Author Archives: Catherine Winters

SGRoA: Vampire Diaries, S1 E13: Children of the Damned

Posted on by
Reply
SGRoA post 122 of 122

Guessing not her children, but, like, I feel the quality will be similar? Let’s get started!

We open on Mystic Falls, 1864, and Catherine murdering people who are traveling through the woods at night?! Who travels at night in the 1860s, let alone during wartime?

Damon’s still human in this scene, and I did a double take, because he looked like Chris Pine, and I really don’t think we should stack any more Trek actors in here, honestly. Don’t sully their resumes. Catherine gets him to kiss her while she’s all bloody, because TV vamps never have any fuckin table manners, and I think this is to prove that he was totally into her without mojo, because that was brought up in the “previously on” bit, and it wasn’t a point I remembered, because who can tell what you’re supposed to think is important with this show? Impossible, honestly.

After the open, Elena and Stefan are waking up together. Does Jenna ever know where Elena is? Damon comes in and they get mad, but he just says if he sees something he’s never seen before, he’ll throw a dollar at it.

but it’s Damon, not smiling

He’s ready to get started on getting Catherine out of the tomb, though Stefan has assured Elena that they will not be helping Damon in actuality. So they fuck again while Damon waits for them.

Flashback Time! To Catherine in a Victoria’s Secret lace-trimmed “corset” with no shift under it! I’m so glad that the stupidity is apparently carried on the looks-like-this genes, because both Catherine and Elena are dumb as hell and wear the worst clothes. Emily comes in to tell Catherine that “Miss Pearl” is here to see her, so Catherine comes downstairs in a satin ball gown and half-up hair at, like, 10 am. Emily and Miss Pearl are both costumed more-or-less appropriately, but main characters on this show get to… time travel? I mean, that’s generous, it’s really that no one wants them to look “ugly”, but vampires should be low-profile! Why would Catherine be walking around like this, drawing bizarre attention?

they say autists get derailed by unimportant details. I say details are important!

Miss Pearl is Anna’s mother, apparently, and has come by to tell Catherine that someone in town is selling vervain tincture to the townspeople to drive the vamps out.

In the future, Anna calls Jeremy and someone she’s staying with, who’s new – is it Tyler again? Why do I never recognize this guy? Is he just so bland he slides right out of my brain? – anyway, whoever this new vamp is is jealous and doesn’t like bottled blood, but they’re going to see “the witch”, so he has to be fed and looking normal so she won’t be able to tell they’re vamps. I think. The dialogue is, as usual, not great at, y’know, giving information, so. Anna tells him they’ll hunt soon – Oh, it’s Ben the bartender! Whew, thanks for that, Anna. They’ll hunt soon, but she wants Ben to be watching Bonnie while she gets the journal.

Stefan and Elena talk about whether Damon believes them (in their lie about helping him), and what his actual motivations are – is he doing this all for love, or what? Stefan insists Damon is strictly a sadist, has zero respect for human life, yadda yadda, we’ve all heard it before. I am of the opinion that none of that precludes love or heroism, but I am not writing vamps for children.

They’re going through some box of old shit and Elena finds what looks to me like a muzzle, made out of random scraps. Jeremy comes in before any explanation and asks what they’re doing; Elena says they’re looking for the journal. Oh, says Jeremy, I gave it to my history teacher.

Cut to Alaric reading the journal in what surely has to be the first instance of one scene naturally following another in this show, and we get Flashback Time to Jonathan Gilbert showing the compass to the Salvatore dad and the Lockwood ancestor. Salvatore dad is played by that older guy Samantha slept with in SATC?

Richard. think he cheated on her after insisting on a relationship. Samantha was the only one I liked, so I remember him

Stefan interrupts them just to set up that Richard hasn’t told the boys yet, but they can both be counted on to fight the vamps. I mean… only if you tell them, Pop.

Alaric is copying the diary and leaving it in an empty locker, but he keeps the original on him. Anna is cruising the school, trying to scare him? I dunno, feels like you could just, like, go in and ask for directions or a phone or something and be INCONSPICUOUS, but that does not seem to be a word these vampires know. Alaric gets some weird homebrew vamp-hunting gun all put together and goes back to his classroom only to find Stefan.

Stefan disarms him pretty quick, but assures Alaric he won’t hurt him, and gives back the gun. He starts interrogating Alaric, who confesses the dead (parapsychologist) wife and the weird shit he’s investigating. Stefan asks about the journal…which has been taken from Alaric’s desk in the confusion. Finally! INCONSPICUOUS!!!!!!!!!!

Anna takes the journal back to the motel to read. She opens to a passage about “the most beautiful woman in town”: Miss Pearl. Flashback Time again! This is Forever Knight levels of history!

Pearl and Catherine are in the apothecary shop (well-kept and fully stocked in 1864, I will never stop harping on it), and Catherine has changed into a gown from 1875 and a hat, but still has her titties out and her hair down. Pearl is nervous, and says she knows Catherine is going to “change both of them”, obviously referring to the Salvatores. Jonathan Gilbert comes in to talk to Pearl, who’s obviously into him. Or pretending to be? Hard to say.

Richard is talking with Stefan about Damon, who apparently left the Confederacy out of principle!

woman in a green top doing a spit take

Ok, sure, you want 21st century viewers to like him (I’m guessing because he’s the fan fave) and so he can’t be a Confederate, but come on. Come on!!!!!

Anyway, he turns to complain about Damon being a deserter TO DAMON, who is walking on his other side. Why were you talking like he wasn’t there?! This show is bananas, y’all, utter bananas.

Richard says they need to step up and stop “these killers” and Stefan asks what he’s talking about. He says demons live among them, and Damon says he should just say the word. “Vampires,” says Richard, and they need to be killed, and both boys are looking anywhere but at their Dad.

Dad says there’s a plan to kill the vamps, and the boys are gonna help.

Damon goes to Elena’s place to make dinner and is chatting with Jenna about her love life and Logan being off in the Bahamas, working on his tan. Lol.

Stefan asks Alaric how long he’s known about Stefan. Just recently, he says, after meeting Damon when he witnessed Damon killing Amanda Grayson. Stefan warns him against revenge, but Alaric is stalwart. Stefan warns him not to let Damon know, or Alaric will die. Stefan offers his help.

Damon and Elena are setting up dinner and Damon is flirting, which Elena shuts down (unlike Jenna, who seemed to quite enjoy it). He asks where Stefan is, and Elena says nothing, so Damon asks if he can trust Stefan. Elena lies, and then again not any more convincingly when he repeats the question more intensely.

Flashback Time to Catherine lying playfully to Richard about croquet as Damon and Stefan show up in 21st- century slacks and jackets with suspenders and floppy, untied cravats? I think? they just look like scarves, and the first sign of hardship due to war is how appallingly Damon’s coat fails to fit him. It’s ok, though, because Catherine is in a late 1700s bodice with – let’s all do this one together – “her titties out and her hair down”!

Damon says something about Catherine seeming to like their dad, and Stefan has the brilliant idea (/s) to tell Dad about her, so Dad can help protect her. Damon thinks this is the stupidest thing he’s ever heard, and implores Stefan to keep the secret. Back in the present, he talks vaguely about Stefan betraying him, and he wants to trust him but can’t. Elena quips that he has to give trust to get it, and he says he just wants Catherine back, and will not let anyone stand in the way of that.

While sitting around waiting for Stefan, Damon and Jeremy play video games and talk about the hot-to-weird ratio Anna has after Jer dodges her phone call. Elena and Jenna talk about how hot and evil Damon is, and of course Damon can hear every word. Jenna asks what Elena was doing with all the boxes of old shit, and she says looking for her bio parents, which leads to the revelation that no one’s told Jeremy about Elena’s being adopted yet. I’m sure that won’t backfire on them at exactly the wrong time.

Ben and Bonnie are on a date at… The Grill.

womp-womp

I mean, I love taking all my first dates to my basement to see where I do laundry, why doesn’t everyone have a first date at their work?! He says something about “next time” and then very subtly asks about Elena. No sarcasm, he is being very subtle, asking her generally about her friends and stuff. Oh, Ben. Now I’ve learned to recognize you, I fear you are not long for this world, especially given your competence.

and one for Ben

Stefan shows up, and Elena and Damon talk with him on the porch. He’s pissed the journal is missing, and they all go in to ask Jeremy about it. He wonders why everyone is so obsessed with that journal –

and says that Anna knows about it and wants to meet him at The Grill. Elena gets a phone call from Bonnie simultaneously, to talk about the date, which Bonn says is going great, and then immediately gets off the phone. Stefan comes upstairs and says that Jer and Damon have gone to see Anna, but he has the copy of the journal, so they needn’t worry.

Jer and Anna flirt at The Grill while Damon listens from a discreet distance – one that allows him to see Anna and realize who she is during another Flashback. Damon, Catherine, and Pearl are talking, and Damon can’t believe how calm Pearl and Catherine are about the townsfolk getting closer to figuring out they’re vamps. Catherine says they’re “the respectable ladies of Mystic Falls” and I will just show you exhibit A:

it’s an off-the-shoulder 1850s style this time

But the important part is Damon remembering meeting Annabelle, Pearl’s daughter – aka, Anna of the terrible curling iron accident.

Elena and Stefan are reading the journal and find that Dad offered to take “the secret of the witch’s spellbook to [his] grave.” Which leads to a Flashback of Stefan trying to convince Dad that some vampires might be good! we should give them a chance! and Dad of course saying that they’re demons, and any human helping them will also die. Which causes Stefan to know where the grimoire is – in Dad’s grave, yes? Or a Salvatore family crypt or something? Like, yes, Stefan, taking things “to the grave” in these cases is often literal, no one needed you to say that.

Ok, well, maybe Elena does. Sorry. I forgot she’s… Elena.

Damon follows Anna to her motel, and they have a little posturing.

Stefan takes motherfucking TORCHES to his dad’s grave to dig up the grimoire, which for some reason is italicized in the captions? Why? I have a grimoire right upstairs, it’s nothing fancy. Didn’t Damon call it a “witch’s cookbook”? That’s all it is, just spells and trivia and little notes. I’m considering putting actual recipes in mine, because I’m so much a kitchen witch. It doesn’t need italics like it’s ~~**foreign**~~ or something, lololololol.

Stefan has a flashback to Catherine biting him and being poisoned by vervain, which his father fed him in hopes of routing the vampires. He knew when Stefan was asking about nice vamps that someone was talking in his son’s ear, and he sends Stefan for the sheriff as Catherine writhes in her shiftless 20th-century corset on the floor.

never letting it go

Anna brings Damon up to speed on her plans and what she knows, and what she needs from him: the grimoire. Sorry, he says: he works alone. And leaves.

Bonnie kisses Ben and realizes he’s terrible, so she tries to slip out to the bathroom, but Ben obviously picks up on her disquiet and drags her out the back way, all vamped out.

Elena is pointing a flashlight into the grave when Stefan finds the coffin, but what about the torches, Elena? Not enough light for y’all? Stefan finds the grimoire, of course, and instead of immediately secreting it on his person and getting the fuck out, they open it and start reading long enough for Damon to show up.

They fight a little – I can’t let you raise the vampires, I should have known better than to trust you, yadda yadda. Damon threatens Elena, then actually feeds her and says he’ll kill her and turn her. So Stefan gives up the grimoire to get her back, like an asshole. Why are TV and movie people’s principles never actually worth fighting or sacrificing for? He wasn’t even gonna kill her! Now how are you going to stop anything? Damon knows you’ll fold if he even looks at Elena wrong. Fuckin dumbasses. FEH.

Damon has his own flashback to Catherine being hauled out of the Salvatore house, how his father stopped him from outing himself as a vamp sympathizer so he wouldn’t be killed as well. Richard is a much better father than he was a boyfriend.

They muzzle Catherine and put her in a paddy wagon, and Damon thinks Stefan flat-out told their dad about Catherine, so there’s the big betrayal, just more typicals incapable of using language.

They also take Pearl away, thanks to Jonathan’s compass, but not Emily or Anna – who is at Elena’s to visit Jeremy, and kidnaps her the moment Stefan steps away.

This was a good one! See how much story you can give us when every scene doesn’t have to be only two lines long?! I do sort of wish we could get an entirely in the past episode, I think it would tell the story better, but I can’t expect competence from this writers room, they’ll never live up to that. Hope we keep it up next week!

SGRoA: Vampire Diaries, S1 E12: Unpleasantville

Posted on by
Reply
SGRoA post 121 of 122

Judging by Elena’s truly heinous 60s cosplay in the thumbnail, my historical costuming/vintage fashion ass is going to find this very unpleasant indeed. Let’s see what they fuck up today!

So the “last time on” includes nothing from the last episode except Alaric’s wife. Thanks for wasting everyone’s time!

And look, I’m a Star Trek fan, I love a good filler episode. Some of the best Treks have nothing to do with overarching plots: Data’s Day, that Allamarane episode of DS9. Show me a bottle episode, and I’ll probably love it. But STUFF HAS TO HAPPEN, first of all, and it shouldn’t follow immediately after a cliffhanger ending with new vampires.

This episode starts with Elena asking Stefan who the new vamp is, and Stefan not knowing. So this is where we should have ended up last episode, instead of fucking around in Georgia and killing Gina Torres! Stefan gives her back her vervain necklace and made bracelets for Jeremy and some other friends (I’m guessing Bonnie and Caroline). Meanwhile, downstairs, Jeremy invites the pizza guy in while waiting for Elena to pay him, and dude looks way too happy about it. The obvious musical sting really brings it home. Why hasn’t Elena told Jeremy and Jenna not to invite strangers in? Seems like vamp protection 101.

Damon is looking for a book when Stefan goes home to yell at him about going to Georgia. Thank you, Stefan, it was rude of Damon to make us all watch that. They trade barbs, but no information.

Alaric and Jeremy discuss Jeremy’s paper, on which he got an A, and Alaric wants to make sure Jeremy doesn’t really believe in vampires. Oh, and, could he see that journal Jeremy cited? Of course!, and Jeremy hands it over.

Ah, I am being shown a poster for the “50s Decade Dance”, which… why is decade in there? but it would explain Elena’s thumbnail costume from the 60s. Almost no American has any idea what a specific time period looked like or is called; just ask the girl in my high school madrigal choir who made posters advertising our “Renaissance Victorian” costumes. And as we come around the corner, Caro is thanking Elena for the vervain necklace. She does wonder what the occasion is, so Elena takes the opportunity to say she’s fine with Caroline being with Matt.

Matt is applying for a busboy job at The Grill, talking to the bartender who also used to be a star football player at the high school.

Bonnie and Elena are talking about Elena being adopted over fries. Elena says she looked at her birth certificate and it lists her parents as her bio parents, so Bonn urges her to speak to Jenna. You know, that thing Elena did at the end of the last episode?

Elena leaves to go to the store, and we STAY WITH BONNIE FOR MORE PLOT!!!!!!!!

Damon wants to start over with Bonnie, but she threatens him with fire. Ben, the bartender, who is apparently now a character, asks if there’s a problem. Damon says no, but Ben says he wasn’t talking to him. Damon takes himself off, and Ben asks how Bonnie has been. She’s shocked he knows her, but he, like, just graduated, and says of course he does.

New Vamp calls Elena, saying she won’t get away from him next time, but he’s just across the street? talking on the phone and watching her drive away? Is this not “next time”? I wouldn’t be afraid of this guy after that, tell you hwat.

Stefan says he called because it’s a predator thing, but, uh, no. Velociraptors would never. Stefan goes on to give back the compass, and explain to Elena about the Gilberts being a founding family who hunted vamps.

Caro and Matt are…making posters for the dance? and then they get into a weird fight because Matt isn’t going to the dance cuz he has to work, and he thinks Caroline is being a bitch about it? I can’t parse this one, kids, seems dumb, let’s keep moving.

Anna’s trying to get Jeremy to hang out with her, but it’s a no-go. I blame the clear curling iron attack that happened just before filming: no one’s gonna date a girl with hair like that.

Green and Briscoe
Okay, I shouldn’t be mean, but come on! The great curling iron terror of the Aughts was traumatic!

Elena once again asks Jenna about the adoption. Apparently, Elena’s dad was a doctor, and one night a 16-year-old showed up at his office, already in labor. He delivered Elena and the mother disappeared. Elena’s dad fixed the birth certificate and brought her home. They only ever knew the birth mother’s first name: Isobel.

this teen Isobel also gave up a daughter….

Stefan brings his dad’s journal to Damon, and says that to get Damon out of town, Stefan is willing to consider letting Catherine escape the raveyard – but just Catherine. Also, the journal won’t help, but he brought it because Damon was looking for it. Damon wonders what Stefan’s ulterior motives are, but Stefan warns him not to apply his own habits to everyone else. Stefan wants him gone. If it takes Catherine to do that, fine.

Elena is getting ready for the dance, and as she goes into the bathroom to… straighten her dry, straight hair with a round brush and a hair dryer?! Okay, fine, whatever. While she’s drying her dry hair, the compass is going crazy on her bed. The new vamp attacks her, but Stefan stops him, and we still haven’t seen his face except when he delivered pizza. Also, Elena is wearing slouch socks and low tops from 1989? I hope they show this outfit full length so I can get a pic. It’s so, so bad.

this is the best I could manage, but seriously, what is going on here

She’s gotta be wearing a Bump-It, right? That hair is insane.

Uncharacteristically, we come back from commercial (yes, peacock has commercials, it’s free from my internet provider, but irritating) to Stefan having invited Damon over, and the three of them actually come up with a plan. They go to the dance, show Elena off as bait, see who bites. Stefan thinks it’s dangerous, but Elena says they should do it

Everyone at the dance seems to understand what 50s means, so good on the costume department for doing one thing right. If Elena weren’t the main character, I’d think we were dressing her badly to make a point about how dumb she is, but I’m pretty sure I’m not supposed to think she’s dumb in the first place, so who knows why she looks like that and dries dry hair.

Alaric immediately sees Damon at the dance, so we’ve got prickly bystanders ready to fuck shit up, always a sign of a very good high school dance. He invited Jenna to help him chaperone, and she looks adorbs, and hopefully will prevent any fights.

Bonn and Caro wonder why Damon’s here – “What is this, a threesome now?” snarks Caro. “You and the Salvatore brothers?” First of all, good for Elena, who has the personality of a shoe, to get two hot vamps, stop being jealous, Caroline. Secondly, Elena says no, she just has to learn to like Damon if she’s dating Stefan. She promises, Damon will behave.

Jenna and Alaric discuss his wife, and how he has no idea how she died, and living without answers is the hardest part.

Oh, here’s the vamp, still in his hoodie. Wait, is that Ben from the bar? Is that why he’s a sudden character?

But it’s only halfway through the episode, so we come back to Elena dancing with Stefan and not seeing anyone suspicious, unless he’s wearing a pompadour. Stefan laughs that it wasn’t one of the better fashion choices, and all I have to say to that is you better keep it to yourself on the bridge of Pike’s Enterprise, Lieutenant Kirk.

god, it’s so tall

Anna shows up at the dance to continue stalking Jeremy, and the curling iron seems to be winning. Poor Anna. Unless all this “homeschooling” is really because she’s also some sort of creature. Ooh, that would be good, I like Jeremy so much better than anyone else in this show.

Ben is tending bar, so probably not the new vamp, but they look basically the same to me. Bonn and Caro are over at The Grill for point-five seconds so Bonnie can drool on Ben, Caro can tell her she can do better, and Matt can brush by Caroline without even a “hi”. Is The Grill, like, across the street from the school? Everyone is always just showing up in random spots around town, but everyone also has a car? What is this place actually like? I need notes about Mystic Falls city planning, please and thanks.

Alaric introduces himself TO DAMON. THE VAMP HE KNOWS KILLED HIS WIFE. Damn, Warner, you got some balls.

He asks a ton of questions, and when Damon finally side-eyes him, he apologizes for being nosy and moves on, but Damon’s vampy senses are tingling. That’s right, Damon, don’t trust him. I like you better for your big chaos energy (says the woman who always ends up being chaotic good).

Bonn asks Ben out, to success! Caroline is inspired to talk to Matt, who’s still brushing her off. He tosses out a line about how busing tables is what “washed-up jocks do for a living” and I’d also like to see more Matt, frankly. These problems are so much more interesting than the vampire nonsense – but probably only because I’m filling in with my own brain, which already knows how to make vampire nonsense interesting, so. Clearly all of this would be better with better writing.

me, better writer! but now with pink hair

Anna and Jeremy are helping at the punch station. Have y’all ever been to a school dance with punch? I haven’t. Not even prom, I don’t think. And I went to a rich school, so I just wonder.

Anna is bugging Jeremy about the journal, and he says he gave it to Alaric. She gets real agitated real fast, and yup, called it: She vamps out!!!!! and then runs away, of course. Is she connected to the other vamp stalking Elena? She should be, but I don’t trust this show to know that, so we’ll have to wait and see!

I haven’t mentioned, but all the music for this dance is, like, angry Limp Bizkit covers of oldies songs. Why?

It’s so bad, the band is so, so bad. They clearly had the rights to the songs, why not a decent wedding band or something? Why not the real songs? “Great Balls of Fire” doesn’t need gravelly half-shouting, fuck’s sake. I want to like this show, I do, but it’s like every single choice they make is always the worst one!

Anna goes to Alaric’s office to get the journal, and the other vamp shows up. His name is Noah, and Anna says he shouldn’t be toying with Elena. But he likes her, she looks like Catherine, and he’s not afraid of the Salvatore bros. They’re clearly here to get the vamps out of the raveyard, and I’m here for it.

My Boyfriend’s Back! My childhood BFF and I did a dance to that for a middle-school talent show and repeated it a couple times, it was fun! This version is awful, but at least it doesn’t sound like Fred Durst.

Elena! pay no attention to the beautiful celebrities!

Stefan and Elena finally spot Noah. Stefan goes after him and tells Elena to get Damon. Turns out Noah just gave away his hoodie, and he’s making another phone call. Elena has 5 seconds to leave the dance, or he kills Jeremy. Noah corrals her into a classroom and starts beating the crap out of her. She stabs him with a pencil, makes a stake out of a mop handle, and still has to be rescued by Damon and Stefan. They torture him with the mop handle, and he admits he’s here for Catherine, is fake hurt they don’t remember him, and tells them the grimoire they need to raise Catherine can be found with the help of the journal. He won’t tell them anything else, and Stefan kills him – just as Alaric shows up.

Damon mojos him, of course, but he’s holding vervain, so he fakes the mojo?!?! Damn, I’m beginning to like Alaric. Not a big fan of Hunters, but, y’know, credit where it’s due, and all.

Stefan and Damon talk about the grimoire. Stefan is going to help find it, just so he can make sure that Catherine and Damon leave, and the other 26 vamps die.

Back at The Grill, Caroline is apologizing to Matt because… I guess at some point she said the thing about washed-up football guys? Totally missed that, but okay, sure. They talk about their relationship, and he says he isn’t over Elena, and he doesn’t want to fuck it up with Caroline. She tells him that he’s already lost her, because he played everything out in his head and decided for her what their next step should be – so, see ya.

Alaric takes Jenna home. He officially asks her out, and she says yes. Aw. Cute. She says he can talk about his wife all he wants, and he says her name was ISOBEL.

Caroline is walking home alone, once more making me wonder about Mystic Falls city planning. Matt pulls up in his truck and tries to get her to get in, but she refuses, so he gets out and kisses her. Aw. Cute! And Matt isn’t anyone’s dad, thank god.

Elena has a taste for killing. Ha, no, omg, can you imagine?!?! But she feels exhilarated by the evening’s events, not horrified or depressed. Stefan says it’s just the adrenaline, and she’ll crash soon. He also tells her he’s going to help Damon get Catherine out, and Elena says she’s on board. She wants what Stefan wants.

Ben locks up The Grill under Anna’s watchful eye, and it turns out, he’s a vampire too!!!!! He’s in on this raveyard scheme, not sad that Noah is dead, is trying to get Bonnie to like him to neutralize her, and kisses Anna.

For an episode that didn’t seem very promising, I have to say this one packed it all the fuck in. I had to write paragraphs today! PARAGRAPHS. I’m thrilled we advanced so many plots. Keep this up, and I might even start to like this shit.

SGRoA: Vampire Diaries, S1 E11: Bloodlines

Posted on by
Reply
SGRoA post 120 of 122

I was sick last week, Snowflakes, but luckily, it was just a quick cold, nothing serious. Trouble is, I have a lemon of a body, so I was horizontal for almost a full week. Good thing I can do recaps from my bed! Let’s get started.

We pick up where we left off: Elena watching (presumably) a vampire crawling at her, stuck in the upside-down car. That vamp runs away once he sees her face, and then Damon shows up to get her out of the car. She babbles about Catherine and then faints, so of course Damon moves her some more, and carries her from the accident.

Alaric is… writing a journal? thinking out loud with his mouth closed? it’s unclear, but his voiceover is about killing Logan and how he knew there was “evil” in Mystic Falls. He looks at a framed pic and has a flashback to… Amanda Grayson from the NuTrek shows?!?! Who also was in Dracula: The Series?!

such a good autistic mother

The backstory is that vamps killed her, almost certainly, but we transition back to the present after point-three seconds and two lines of dialogue about sleeping in, so, you know. Just Vampire Diaries things!

Elena wakes up in Damon’s 70s Chevelle, and also in the state of Georgia. You know, Elena, who just got in a rollover accident and has a head injury that made her unconscious for several hours? She should definitely be on a road trip, good call, Damon!

Anyway, she makes him stop the car and refuses to talk to Stefan when he calls. Oh, and she took off her vervain necklace, so Damon points out he could mojo her, but he refrains. Stefan, after Damon hangs up, throws some shit around the room and will almost surely go do something stupid instead of waiting to talk to Elena, because this is television, and no one ever waits. (I am told that people do that irl, too – like, they have a feeling and immediately think they must act on it – but I refuse to believe real people are that dumb. Probably to my detriment, but that’s ok, I can live with it.)

Damon’s taking her to “a little place right outside of Atlanta”, and I’m guessing it’s Catherine’s estate or plantation or whatever, but let’s drag it out for half the episode, I guess. Elena agrees to stop arguing if Damon agrees not to mojo her. Which he does. Epic restraint, Damon, I’d put her back to sleep immediately.

Jeremy comes upon Alaric digging through his own car, but Alaric has some story? about losing his ring at the gym? and digging around in the car for it. And then he finds it? and mentions it’s a family heirloom. What is this for? This show has the worst, clunkiest foreshadowing I’ve ever seen, my god. And I bet the ring won’t even matter, or if it does, it’ll be in five episodes after we’ve forgotten the stupid thing even exists.

Jeremy then tells Alaric that he’s going to write about his own family during the Civil War, and we’re on to Bonnie and Stefan. He asks Bonn for a spell to find Elena, to make sure she’s okay. Bonnie demurs at first, but then does the “spell”, which is just her holding Elena’s necklace. Nothing happens; Bonnie thinks she’s broken.

Damon doesn’t know who the vamp in the road was, but he does confirm it was a vamp. Elena seems surprised he doesn’t know who it is, but he says they’re not all hanging at the vampire bar and grill together, they can’t possibly all know each other. He brings Elena to Bree’s Bar, where they meet his old friend, GINA MOTHERFUCKING TORRES.

She kisses him with full tongue, and introduces him to the bar as: “the man who broke my heart, crushed my soul, destroyed my life, and ruined any and all chance of happiness.” As she pours them all shots.

They met in college, and she’s a witch. Like, obviously, she’s Gina Torres. Honestly, I’m shocked it’s not a plantation.

Jeremy meets a cute girl in the library: Anna.

Bonn goes to Grams for help, and Grams says it’s a mental block. Bonnie has to deal with her fear – presumably about vampires – before her power will come back.

Damon wants Gina to get him into the raveyard tomb, but it’s a no-go. She can’t override Emily’s spell, and she definitely can’t do anything if Damon doesn’t have the jewel, so.

Bonnie goes to the church ruins and falls into a hole in the ground.

Elena finally talks to Stefan, just long enough to be like, “you lied! I don’t wanna talk!”

Bree calls someone to tell them Damon’s in town.

Bonnie has some scrapes and bruises, and freaks out because there’s a carved pentacle on the wall of the basement or whatever she fell into.

Stefan goes to see Grams, looking for Bonnie, and Grams says she doesn’t know where Bonn is, but Stefan does. Stefan knows what Bonnie’s afraid of, what she is, and what Grams is. Stefan also offered his hand, as a gesture of trust, because Grams will know what he is the instant she touches him, if she didn’t already. Grams tells him to go find Bonnie.

Anna asks Jeremy what his paper is on. “How hysteria about the war influenced certain writers.” She tells him to “focus that”, which is not a sentence that makes sense in English, but okay. He says, “the origins of local folklore and myths.” Oh, says Anna, you mean the vampires.

Back to the bar in Georgia! Thank god I don’t have to move every time we switch scenes, I’d be exhausted. It’s like that clip of Liam Neeson jumping over a fence.

Back in the bar, Elena and Damon are discussing lore. Vamps don’t procreate, so no, Elena is probably not related to Catherine. And Damon can eat and drink for fun, as long as he has enough blood.

Jeremy insists there are no vampires, just an allegory for Union soldiers. Anna calls him smart. She says she has to go, then mentions a journal her grandfather showed her, full of creepy stories. Jeremy perks up at the journal mention, and asks if she has to go. I’m interested, too, so obviously…

We’re in the basement with Bonnie, who seems as downtrodden as if she’d been in there for a week, not, like, ten minutes. I know soaps are about heightened emotions, but come on. Somebody ove up and just deal with your shit instead of being mopey or incandescent with rage or ebullient with joy. Sometimes, you just have to get out of the basement, Bonnie, and wailing about it just makes you unlikeable.

So she stands around with her hand on the pentacle, listening to “voices”, freaking herself out.

Stefan shows up and scares the crap out of her, but they get out of the hole. And of course it’s night! Because this show absolutely refuses to understand how time works!

ah, if only

Someone with an extremely square jaw shows up at Bree’s. She tilts her head at him towards Damon.

Amna suggests a vampire movie night over foosball, but Jeremy says it’s just too soon, he just got out of something, like he’s fuckin 40 and twice-divorced or some shit.

Elena steps out to take a call from Jenna asking where she is – which she also did like 5 scenes ago? – and someone grabs her. Damon finds her dropped phone and somehow follows her to a power station, where Square Jaw attacks him for killing “his girlfriend”: Lexie the Bestie. Elena tries to talk him down by talking about Lexie, like they knew each other so well? Elena says Lexie would want Square Jaw to be better than Damon by not killing him? and he listens to her? So Damon is fine, continuing the long tradition of absolutely zero consequences.

Y’all, we’re in the last 10 minutes of this episode and nothing has happened. How did we go all the way to Georgia for nothing to happen?!

Bonnie returns to Grams, who met Stefan at a protest in 1969. They reminisce for a minute and talk about being creatures in a town where “no one knows”, despite literally everyone seemingly knowing.

Damon gets threatening after Bree called Square Jaw, and she tries to save herself by telling him if he gets Emily’s grimoire, he might be able to reverse the spell on the raveyard. He takes her heart as thanks. We could have had all this happen in ONE SCENE, and not have had to think about head-injured Elena drinking in a bar for, like, 5 hours straight.

Elena and Damon have a moment in the car on the way home, and it’s cute! This show is infuriating, because I can see what it could be, and it simply insists on never being that, in always making a shitty choice. Case in point: Elena finally talks to Stefan, and it’s dumb and boring and like, are they breaking up again? or not? The big revelation this time is that Stefan saw Elena and her parents in the car accident, and he pulled Elena out of the submerging car. That was the first time he saw her, and he thought she was Catherine, but he stalked her till he was convinced she wasn’t.

Also, he found out she’s adopted.

Anna has tracked down and printed out every news article about animal attacks in Mystic Falls. She gives them to Jeremy to prove her point about vampires.

Jenna knew Elena was adopted, but didn’t tell her because her dead parents asked Jenna not to? They’re dead! WTF, Jenna?

Oh, and Alaric’s wife was killed by Damon. Told ya.

Holy cannolis, y’all. This was a slog. Let’s look forward to next week, when they might hire a couple good writers again!

SGRoA: Vampire Diaries, S1 E10: The Turning Point

Posted on by
Reply
SGRoA post 119 of 122

Because it’s halfway through the season, yes, but also because for once, Stefan broke up with Elena, and I can’t wait to see how absolutely zero consequences there are for that. Let’s go!

Oh, the recap tells me that Damon actually mentioned someone was covering up Logan’s death. I missed it because like 90% of this show’s dialogue is pointless or repetitive, so remember that as a writing tip, kids! If you bore your audience with mostly nonsense, they won’t get the details they need for future plots to make sense.

We start where we left off: Logan on Jenna’s doorstep. She’s mad, he says he was out of town, she says she knows, she got his stupid email. Logan is surprised by the email, so someone was covering something up. Jenna doesn’t let him in, though, and he goes on to eat a jogger on the street. These vamps have just no concept of self-preservation, do they? Weirdest monsters ever, damn.

Jeremy is reading his dad’s diary and learning about the vamps. It’s a standard TV journal: leather-bound, no lines, plenty of weird little sketches to go along with the narrative. I have never seen a journal like this in my life, so maybe that’s how we know this is all a simulation, when our diaries become screen-ready.

Damon and Stefan are discussing where they’re headed, because they “can’t stay here”, even though that’s obviously what’s going to happen for seven more seasons, when Sheriff shows up. She wants to talk to Damon about another vamp attack, Logan’s attack. Damon keeps up the pretense that he’s an upstanding member of the founding families and Stefan listens from inside. Sheriff wants Damon to be in charge of hunting it, because he’s the only one who’s ever killed a vampire before.

Matt and Caroline are flirting and Bonnie and Elena approve. They talk about Damon attacking Bonn and Stefan leaving Elena.

Stefan can’t leave now that there’s another vampire in town, obviously!!!!!! How dare Damon think he’s going to keep his plans to leave? I dunno, Stef, maybe y’all should just bail, leave these people to the hell they keep making for themselves.

Stefan immediately goes to tell Elena about it, while Matt justifies hanging out with Caroline to his friends. I don’t understand why these scenes are cut together, but they are, so.

Me, watching right now.

Oh, holdup, the journal isn’t Jeremy’s dad’s, it’s from the 1800s. First gen vamp hunting. The dude is related to them, but was a horror writer. Easy way to keep the truth on the down-low. Good reason to kill the novelists. (no but fr, you’ll get so many more jokes if you read my books.)

Caro follows the compass for Damon, who takes it from her at what looks like a random commercial building and then mojos her to forget he asked the favor and go home. He can’t just use it, because he interferes with the signal, obviously, but I’m wondering if vamps have some sort of extra magnetic signature? What is the compass picking up on? How does it point to a vamp? I mean, yes, hand-wavy magic, obviously, but…. I dunno, I like puzzles. Extra iron from all that blood?

Damon walks in and Logan shoots the shit out of him, six shots, all over the body. They’re wooden bullets, too! Nice. Logan knows it all, obviously. He woke up in the ground behind a car dealership, no idea who made him. Logan assumes it’s Damon, but no: Damon only bit him. Someone fed him, and now he can’t even get into his own home because he has to be invited in? To his house?! That’s bullshit, man, nobody’s magic works that way, it’s ridiculous. He’s been living at a motel and eating people, who are now stacked up like cordwood in his warehouse.

Cut to the school’s college fair, where we meet the true horror: Military recruiters.

Just a cover for Sheriff and Mayor to talk about vampires. And for us to get point-three seconds with a bunch of other characters. Tyler makes art (I thought he was dead?). Matt wanted to be an astronaut once. Stefan stares longingly at Elena and we’re back to the warehouse for lore convos.

Logan lets it slip that the rings and the daywalking aren’t “in the journals”. Damon refuses to answer any more questions, because he suspects Logan was turned by one of the hunters, or a vamp working for the hunters, and he’s not going to give anything else away. Logan refuses his questions and shoots him some more before leaving.

To go to the college fair? Time has zero meaning in this show, and while it was full daylight when Elena and Stefan started talking about their latest breakup, it is now fully 8 PM by the clock in the hall, and fully dark outside.

Have I told y’all the story about how I have a novel almost fully finished, except that I fucked up the timeline and put like, seven weeks of story into four weeks of book time? Yeah, I’ve been thinking I have to fix that before I publish but, like, CLEARLY I should stop giving a shit and just rake in the dollar dollar bills, y’all.

Miss Piggy looking irritated or angry

Elena takes Jenna away and Logan starts in on Stefan about daywalking. Logan threatens Stefan with exposure; Stefan is hard as stone. Logan’s getting nothing, and he’ll thank Stefan for it.

Elena asks Jenna how Logan acted when he came to the house, because she’s thinking vampire. Jenna says he was very insistent on being invited in, and Elena tells Jenna never to even speak to him again. Stefan calls Damon, who relays his meeting with Logan and tells Stefan he’s feeling vengeful. Stefan says Logan is at the school, so Damon hangs up, saying he’ll see Stefan momentarily.

Caroline tells her mother she wants to go into broadcast journalism. Sheriff says, “But you don’t even read the paper”, and when Logan shows up a second later, I’m fully rooting for him to kill her. What a bitch. Be nice to your kid, lady, or someone will cheer for your death. She immediately draws her gun, but then puts it away, because what does she think she’s going to do? Kill Logan? Bury him in another shallow grave? Logan has guessed correctly that she covered up his death, and she shows him she has zero compunction marking him as the enemy now. He threatens her; she calls for backup.

Jeremy tries to talk to Tyler about art. Ends in a fight. Mayor drags them off to talk, to which Alaric seems to have some objection? Yeah, that guy’s a vamp. Or some sort of overlord of hunters or something. He knows who’s involved, seems like.

Logan offers Caroline a ride home, and she accepts, because why wouldn’t she? Especially with an interest in journalism. But of course, he knocks her out basically as soon as she’s in her seat. Good thing some kids saw her get into his car. I hope.

me, thinking about Caroline dying

Matt tells Elena that Caro got in Logan’s car basically immediately. Stefan goes after her.

Mayor tells Tyler and Jeremy to fight, like real men, but Tyler doesn’t want to and they’re soon interrupted by Alaric, who calls Mayor “an alpha-male douchebag” and says if Mayor keeps pushing, it’ll end up with the two grown men in a fight. Mayor takes Tyler and walks off, telling Alaric “you’ve marked yourself”, whatever the fuck that means.

Logan calls Sheriff from the car: he’s going to turn Caro. Stefan pulls him out of the car, and Damon shoots him on the street. Stefan takes Caro, Damon tells Sheriff they’re on Elm Street and Caroline is fine. Logan gets his life by telling Damon there’s another way to break the spell on the crypt beneath the old church. He hits Damon as Sheriff drives up, then escapes, and Damon apologizes to Sheriff because he “wasn’t strong enough” to stop Logan.

Stefan goes back to the school instead of either staying with Caroline or helping Damon, which is certainly A Choice.

Jeremy talks to Tyler again, trying to connect with him over his terrible father, but Tyler wants none of it, of course.

Stefan and Elena drama.

Elena says she loves him. They both look so constipated, I’ll assume they’re sad, or something, but they still have sex.

Alaric shows up at Logan’s weird warehouse, saying he’s a friend of Jenna’s, she deserves the best, she’s going to get it. Logan tries to get him to fight, but Rick says he’s not a violent man “by design”. Logan vamps out, thinking he’ll kill Rick, but no such luck: Alaric has a stake at the ready, and boom, no more Logan. Maybe.

Matt tells Tyler he likes Caroline, and he’s not going to apologize for it.

Sheriff tenderly strokes Caroline’s hair, then gets a call and leaves.

Elena and Stefan have after chatter and cuddles. Apparently the sex was good, not bloody. Elena snoops, obviously, and finds out she’s a dead ringer for Catherine and immediately freaks out.

Sheriff thinks Damon killed Logan, but Damon is at the church ruins when she calls to thank him. “This town owes you so much.”

Elena leaves Stefan’s, drives way too fucking fast, hits someone standing in the road and flips the car. She seems mostly okay – except that the person she hit’s bones all immediately knit together and they come after her.

a chipmunk turning suddenly with dramatic sound effect

Luckily, we don’t have to wait for the holidays to be over before we come back from mid season break! I’ll see y’all next week to find out who the fuck is coming after Elena now!

SGRoA: Vampire Diaries, S1 E9: History Repeating

Posted on by
Reply
SGRoA post 118 of 122

Isn’t there a really good song by that title? *rummages around* Here it is!

My brain: twice as searchable as your grandma’s attic! Let’s get started!

Bonnie is falling asleep in math class when a ghost walks by, and she wanders out of class to follow it. Looks like it’s one of the old witches in her family, the one Gran told her about, who owned the jewel: Emily. Bonnie follows her out of school, into the woods, to her grave and her ruined homestead. Emily says this is where it started, and this is where it has to end. Bonnie has to help her – and Bonnie is back in math class, but then wakes up at the graveyard raveyard where everyone ends up these days.

Bonnie didn’t make it to school, so Elena has to talk to Caroline about her relationship with Stefan being “complicated”. Caro tries to talk to Matt before class, but gets only a dismissive “Hey”.

New history prof time! Alaric Saltzman, and I KNOW that stupid first name is some obscure-to-me vampire reference from, like, a video game or something, because I have seen dozens of Alarics in fantasy fiction. Why?

plain text reading "because why not"

I have zero idea, I told you, it’s obscure to me. It’s not in any of the standard vampire fiction a typical late GenX woman would have been exposed to, so if you know, hit me up in the comments. Also, he’s played by the guy who played Warner in Legally Blonde, so making jokes about him will not be difficult. Just like getting into Harvard Law.

So, once he tells all the kids he goes here now, he tells them he goes by Rick.

Damon and Stefan are fighting.

Oh, wait, Bonnie did show up at school? She’s telling Elena about the dream, and that she can’t tell Gran, because Bonnie doesn’t want to embrace it, she wants it to stop.

Jeremy goes to talk to Saltzman. This is our fifth scene in 7 minutes, y’all, and it’s killing me today. I mean, it kills me every day, but ffs, can we just stay with one character for a second? This show’s editing makes me motion sick. (No, I don’t have tiktok, why do you ask????) Something something clean slate for Jeremy, something something bring your grades up, extra credit, blah blah. Jeremy has to write a paper about history: local, in-depth, nothing that’s just regurgitated from Wikipedia.

Matt again refuses to talk to Caroline, so she stops him and asks wtf his problem is. He doesn’t have one; they’ve always just been “hey” friends, and he snuck out of her room after the party of last episode because he didn’t want to get in trouble with Sheriff. Caro is chagrined.

Stefan shows up.in the parking lot to talk with Elena, bring her up to speed on Damon not being dead. (Seven scenes in under ten minutes!) And to tell her he won’t be going to school anymore, which she interprets as him backing away from her, and then… she gets mad? even though she’s broken up with him like a gajillion times?

Sorry, I can’t deal with the NT relationship drama. I don’t understand it, and I refuse to engage in it.

Damon offers to help Bonnie by taking that jewel off her hands. He knows she thinks she’s in over her head, and my god, what I wouldn’t give for a show that was told from Damon’s POV. I think stuff would actually happen! She refuses, of course. He tells her he’ll get it back, no matter. I believe him, but we all know even if he does get it, there won’t be a consequence for our “heroes”, so.

Bonnie throws the jewel in a field.

Jenna’s scoping out Rick at The Grill. He’s not worth it, Jenna. Just ask Elle and Vivian!

Elena complains to Stefan about Damon harassing Bonnie. Emily apparently was Catherine’s “handmaid”, which – like, okay, if Emily were also a vampire, I would understand them travelling in the States in the 1860s under that story, but why would a vampire have a human witch servant? Slave? Did Catherine OWN Emily?!?!

this show’s writers

Look, I know it must sound cool to set things during major upheavals in history, especially if you’re writing vampires, especially for television. I get it!

But you can’t introduce a conflict like the American Civil War and literally never mention any of the reasons it started or the effects it has on this community! Emily was a Black witch in the American south – in a slave state! – in 1864!!!!!!!!!! YOU CANNOT KEEP IGNORING THIS SHIT. Or, I mean, you definitely can, and your show will just be deeply shitty because you can’t stand the implications of the things you’re writing. The reason societal upheaval makes such a delicious plot point is because you explore the implications. You humanize the conflict. You show me the moonlight glinting on a broken bottle or whatever that writing tip is. You don’t ignore it because you’re uncomfortable. It makes you, the writer(s), look stupid and cowardly.

ANYWAY. Emily was Catherine’s handmaid. The jewel belonged to Catherine, which means…. Well, Stefan doesn’t know. He’ll have to ask Damon.

Jenna tells Jeremy that his dad was super into their family history, he had a bunch of stuff in a box in his closet, just waiting for Jeremy’s paper. For her help, he introduces her to Saltzman.

Stefan and Damon are fighting.

Elena has Caro and Bonn both over for dinner, and Caroline apologizes to Bonnie, who then admits she threw the jewel away. Caro is mad for half a second, but then finds the necklace next to Bonnie’s bag.

the necklace rn

Jenna still doesn’t know Logan is dead? Does anyone know Logan is dead? IS Logan dead?!?!?! Seems like the local news guy just disappearing would be…. noticed?! Anyway, she’s flirting with Saltzman, whose wife was … murdered? or is missing? He just says “the cops call it a cold case”, so, like, murdered by vamps, right?

Stefan and Damon are fighting.

The horrible Aughts curling iron tried to attack Elena this episode, but it didn’t work, so her hair looks terrible. The girls do a seance to get the message Emily is clearly trying to send. The candles get high, the window blows open, Bonnie rips the jewel off and throws it on the floor, the candles go out. When the lights come up, the jewel is gone.

a chipmunk turning suddenly with dramatic sound effect

Stefan and Damon are playing catch. And fighting.

Turns out Damon wants the jewel to bring Catherine back.

Bonnie finds the jewel in the bathroom, then gets trapped in there. A lot of wildly unnecessary screaming later, she seems possessed by Emily. Like, they don’t say that, or anything, but again, I know how narratives work.

Damon finally give us a story about the past: when the townspeople were burning vamps in the church, including Catherine, Damon begged Emily for help. She trapped Catherine’s essence or something in the crystal, using the power of the comet passing over, and Catherine’s body is hidden underground, somewhere? Until the body part, that sounded okay, but we lost the thread a little there. The comet had to return before the jewel could be used, and Damon promised Emily that her lineage would survive if she did this, because obviously the townspeople would come for her, too.

Emily tells the other girls that she’s going to finish this, and she won’t let Damon have the jewel, and it must be destroyed. So she doesn’t want Catherine back? Seems weird. Bonnie-as-Emily heads for the churchyard, aka, graveyard raveyard. Damon meets her there, and she says that he can’t bring Catherine back, things have changed, she’s only interested in protecting her family line.

Jeremy finds the box of stuff from his Dad, including a journal from 1864. Jenna comes home with Saltzman, who very studiously stays on the outside of the threshold. She doesn’t invite him in.

Emily saved everyone in the church – all vampires. Can’t have Catherine without the rest of them, so Emily burns them – or she starts a fire, anyway. It goes out, Damon bites the crap out of her, and then she looks dead, even though there’s a shit ton of blood in the human body and a three-second bite is not going to bleed anyone out instantly. (That is a general vampire-fiction complaint; no one ever drinks long enough to kill anyone.) Stefan feeds her his blood and heals her? turns her? both? Who knows.

Matt confesses he’s very lonely to Caroline.

Damon says he’ll leave, now there’s no hope of getting Catherine back.

Emily is no longer possessing Bonnie, who has no recollection of what just happened. Stefan didn’t change her: she will if she dies with his blood in her system, but she’ll be back to human once it passes.

Elena doesn’t break up with Stefan; he breaks up with her instead. Coming back was a mistake; he and Damon are leaving. Elena begs him to stay. He walks away from her, but this is only episode 9, so, y’know.

Jenna rips up a pic of her and Logan from high school. You’ll regret that if you ever figure out he’s dead.

Matt and Caroline have snacks in bed.

LOGAN’S NOT DEAD Y’ALL!!!! He shows up at Jenna’s and asks to be invited in!!!!!!!! And then the episode ends!

Legit, I did not see that coming!

Despite my crankiness, this was not a horrible episode. I just hate the “setting up the gameboard” episodes in any series, and feel like there should be a better way to do this, but unless you’re writing, like, Mad Men or something, you’re not allowed to in Hollywood, I guess. Let’s hope something happens next time!

SGRoA: Vampire Diaries, S1 E8: Candles

Posted on by
Reply
SGRoA post 117 of 122

Can you imagine if the entire episode was a fight about scented candles? It would be GLORIOUS. Alas, we have to go back to a Vicki-less Mystic Falls and hope Damon and/or Caroline are up to something entertaining. Let’s go!

We open on the Salvatore home and Stefan waking from a nap or something. He doesn’t feel alone in the house, strange noises, open windows, etc. A female vamp attacks him, but it turns out it’s his bestie, in town for his birthday! Aw, that’s sweet. Mine don’t celebrate shit unless it’s in The Big Book of Empire Rules, or whatever-the-fuck Mircalla calls it.

Turns out Damon and Stefan are the only ones who have the magic rings to deal with sunlight, so that’s an interesting tidbit that will, like all of the mantelpiece guns in this show, surely come to nothing. But it means Bestie has to stay at the house all day, so.

Jeremy is reporting to Sheriff that Vicki went away and is fine, so they can call off the search. Sheriff goes through all of these people to poke a hole in the story, to see if it’s true, blah blah, and of course, all the stories line up because they already made them. Sheriff doesn’t like it, and Matt’s pretty pissed at Stefan, but the real kernel of this scene is Elena breaking up with Stefan.

again.

Damon finds Lexi the bestie trying to nap, and she doesn’t seem to like him much. She accuses him of being “only the bad parts” of a vampire, and I think she meant “only the FUN parts”, because frankly, Damon is the only interesting one on this show.

Bonnie is leaving Grandma’s, because her dad doesn’t want her spending so much time around the “witchy nonsense”. Grandma re-emphasizes that Bonnie needs to be wearing the jewel, not just carrying it. Bonnie wants to give it back to Caroline, but Grandma says no: it’s Bonnie’s, it was their ancestor’s, it was never for Caroline. Bonnie wishes it were prettier.

Jenna and Elena are wallowing in their boy sorrows, because Jenna thinks she got ghosted, not that Logan fuckin died.

patrick stewart making a "yikes" face
yikes on bikes

Jeremy, meanwhile, asks them to keep it down because he can’t focus on his homework, and he’s so behind. No one needs therapy when there’s vampire mojo!

Damon delivers vervain to Sheriff, and she makes sure to tell him it’ll be enough, because it’s a small circle. She also confesses that they may have to consider that the vampire is walking around in daylight, and they’ll look into anyone new in town. Damon offers his help, of course!

Bonnie shows up at Elena’s and asks why Elena hasn’t returned her calls. Is she going to stay in bed forever? Yup, says Elena, so Bonnie curls up next to her to have girl talk, after which Bonnie does some levitation magic to get Elena’s mind off Stefan.

Caroline runs into Damon and starts telling him off before he mojos her and tells her to throw a huge party at The Grill to help Damon solve the “vampire problem”. Oh, and he wants his crystal back. Good luck.

Bestie Lexi tells Stefan to fuck Elena and she’ll be his forever, because vamp sex is that good. I mean, I guess? I’m asexual, though, so like, no sex is ever going to be worth forever on its own. Like, you couldn’t eat a meal of only seasonings: you can’t have a relationship of only sex that lasts “forever”. He waxes philosophical about Elena choosing him and choosing forever.

Elena is 17, btw. Choosing forever.

Lexi offers Stefan blood from a bag, but he says he can’t have human, at all. Another blood-as-hard-drug metaphor. Yawn.

Damon comes in and invites them to Caroline’s party, and Stefan obviously doesn’t want to go, but Lexi does, and the plot needs it, so.

Elena shows up at Stefan’s just as Lexi is in a towel and Stefan is in the shower, and of course Elena jumps to a conclusion, but the salient bit of this is that Lexi now understands that Elena is a Catherine stand-in, and demands Stefan explain himself.

Gonna call it: I like Lexi. Think she’s gonna die within a few episodes? because I do.

Stefan says that Elena’s nothing like Catherine, so Lexi says “so not a heinous bitch, then?” But, like…. ehhhhhhhh. I wouldn’t call Elena not a bitch. She’s just a different bitch.

Lexi goes to the party, but Stefan goes to talk to Elena, even though they’re broken up? Ughghhhgghhhhhhh, I hate neurotypical relationship drama, it’s so boooriiiiiiiiing. Be together, be apart, I don’t care, just stop having dumb fucking conversations where nothing gets said!

Caroline corners Bonnie and asks for the jewel back, but Bonnie says no. Caroline says it makes her look fat (I do not have an eyeroll big enough for this, omfg) and then tries to rip it from Bonnie’s neck! Bonnie asks what the hell is wrong with Caro and walks away. Good job, Bonnie.

Stefan offers Matt support about Vicki.

Damon demands the jewel from Caroline, who says it shocked her. Damon doesn’t know why it does that, and also calls Caro stupid and useless and then goes outside, presumably for some air, but also because dumb teens make out in semi-public dark places where it’s easy to eat them.

Lexi’s hair extensions are hideous. I can’t believe she’s 350 and walking around like that. Girl. Do you not have enough money for a decent stylist? Then maybe don’t get extensions.

A lot of little nonsense scenes: Elena and Damon fight about Stefan. Bonnie tells Caroline not to let Damon treat her badly. Two, three lines tops. Half a minute at most. Bad editing, bad writing, bad pacing. Sheriff’s deputy finds the dead couple. Lexi mojos free drinks and gives one to Elena, who complains that Stefan can’t cut loose or be himself around her. Because they’ve been dating so long, right? This relationship should already be in years-long secure territory? It’s been like 2 months!

Mugatu yelling "I feel like I'm taking crazy pills!"

Also, apparently alcohol dulls blood cravings, so there are a lot of alcoholic vampires. Seems like maybe organizing a series of willing blood donors and preserving/bottling the blood would be ideal, if no one wants to sip and no one wants to kill unless they’re evil? Is this show some weird metaphor for how people in Hollywood seem to feel about food? Whose dissertation on this can I read?

Caro complains to Matt about her bad night. He’s kind, he listens, he tells her her strengths. Aw. Matt’s a nice guy. He doesn’t deserve this show. They run into Sheriff outside, but she lets Matt take Caro home, though no one else is allowed to leave the Grill, given the teen murder and all.

Sheriff takes the un-murdered girl into the Grill, asks her to point out the killer. She points to Damon, who’s talking to Lexi, and Sheriff poisons Lexi’s drink and hauls her out, thanking Damon for the vervain on the way. Lexi vamps out, gets shot, keeps going for the Sheriff, but Damon stakes her?! Stefan and Elena watch from a hidden point, and Stefan says it’s part of the plan? What plan? Damon’s plan? To make you miserable??

Really cannot stress enough how often this kind of sloppy nonsense kills a narrative for me. You have to explain things! You have to set them up so that they make sense when they happen! Shit that comes out of nowhere for no reason isn’t a “surprise” or a “reveal”, it’s a mistake that takes people out of the story.

We get zero explanation yet, either. Sheriff thanks Damon and then we’re watching Matt tuck Caro into bed. Don’t have any idea where Stefan and Elena even are.

Okay, wait, I’m rewinding, because then Stefan is saying he has to kill Damon? Gimme a minute, I’ll be right back.

IT’S PART OF DAMON’S PLAN. They pan from him to Stefan so fast I thought Stefan said it, so this is bad editing. ANYWAY.

Stefan wants to kill Damon immediately, but Elena stops him to save him from himself. Or so she says; I actually think Stefan’s right for once, and should actually take the energy from watching Lexi die and use it to some purpose. But no, we all know we’re just going to talk with Elena some more. There’s a reason I call this show Pretty People Talking (derogatory).

He does give it a try, though! Good for you, Stefan! He ends up only staking him in the stomach, though, because Damon spared him, so now they’re even. And then he just leaves the house. Good job, Stefan. That’ll absolutely change Damon’s behavior.

text in black on a white background that reads "It may be stupid but it's also dumb"

Bonnie has an actual vision of running through the woods, ending up at everyone’s favorite murder mausoleum, hearing a Corvid, and saying “It’s coming”.

And that’s where this disappointing episode ends.

SGRoA: Vampire Diaries, S1 E7: Haunted

Posted on by
Reply

I know what I’d prefer to be haunted by, that’s all. Let’s get to it!

Vicki tries to eat Tyler, but Stefan and Damon show up just in time, and Damon mojos Tyler. Opening sting, and then we’re back with Jeremy and Elena. Jeremy wants to join the search party the cops are setting up for Vicki, but Elena tells him he should go to school. He leaves for the police.

Who will probably send him back to school soon, because Vicki calls Matt and tells him she’s fine. She’s taking some time to figure things out, and he shouldn’t worry, and then she hangs up to complain about being locked in the Salvatore home during her transformation.

Nothing about Logan’s death is on the news or in the paper – ah, the paper, do y’all remember them? Newspapers? I loved me a crossword puzzle back in the day. Anyway, the founders are clearly hiding the death – unless Logan, like Vicki, is gonna get bit 45533467875216637578 times before having his neck broken.

Damon has the compass, tho, so that’s something. Also Vicki says she’s hungry and Stefan gives her bottled animal blood. She and Damon say she should have han blood, but she won’t be able to sip yet, so no. Damon and Stefan have a little fight about morality, but Vicki takes the animal blood and asks for seconds.

Damon meets Elena at the door. She calls him arrogant and glib, and he tells her it’s dangerous to go around calling vampires names, but I say you should come up with ever more elaborate insults, Elena. Make a fun game out of it. I perhaps do not have the best sense of self-preservation.

Elena’s there to ask about Vicki. Stefan tells her it’s going to take time, Vicki’s a drug user, there’s a lot going on. Elena says, “So she’s a vampire with issues?” and omg

Data the android laughing on the bridge of the Enterprise-D
Adele - Laughing
woman in a green top doing a spit take

Honey. Sweetie. Elena. THEY ALL HAVE ISSUES, THEY ARE VAMPIRES. They all have issues before they’re vampires, because they’re humans. Have you met people who didn’t have issues? I know I haven’t met anyone untraumatized since 2019, because, uh…. *gestures vaguely at everything* , but also, HUMANS HAVE ISSUES. You have issues! Your brother! No one in this town gets therapy! Vicki was doing all those drugs!

Ahem. Anyway. Bonnie is at her grandma’s, and her grandma is fuckin Whitley Gilbert from A Different World – aka, Jasmine Guy. All of these actors are so much better than this material, it’s not even funny. Anyway, Gran tells Bonnie that they have to remain secret, and Bonnie points out that everyone already knows Gran is a witch. Gran says they also know it’s not true. No on believes, and that keeps them safe.

Bonnie wants to get to the “fun” part of witchcraft, but Gran says it’s dangerous and not fun, and Bonnie needs to be prepared. She needs to learn before she can practice, to be safe. But, like, she’s already practicing? Bonnie is a natural witch, she’s having “visions” where she doesn’t see anything and making fire with her mind and shit. I’d get to the practice faster, Whitley.

Damon overhears the Lockwoods talking about losing the compass and how they might be in danger from the vampire, so there goes any secrecy the founders had.

Tyler offers Matt his support.

Caroline gives Bonnie the jewel.

In her efforts to be my favorite character, Vicki is still complaining. She’s hungry and she has to pee – wait, why, she’s dead! Which she actually says! during a lore lesson where Stefan tells her that caffeine helps their circulation and drinking coffee can help.make them warmer to the touch. Weird, but whatever, I said I would take the lore at face value and I am. She asks how long it’s been since he’s had human blood, with Elena sitting there, for some reason, and Stefan is evasive, as usual. “Years and years.” Feh!

Stefan goes out to get more blood for Vicki – wait, he doesn’t bottle his own?!

NEVER FORGET.

He goes to get more blood, Vicki comes back into the room and Elena immediately starts in on how Vicki has to let Jeremy go. So Vicki threatens her. Delightful! I can’t wait for Vicki and Damon to eat this whole town, Stefan included. Maybe leave Caroline.

Stefan comes back and tries to explain to Elena what’s going on with Vicki. “Imagine every sense in your body operating at super speed.”

“She’s uncomfortable in her own skin.”

“It can be hard to separate your feelings. Love, lust, anger, desire, they all become one urge.”

(Okay, okay, I can’t really separate feelings at all, I had a ten-minute debate with my partner last night about whether or not hungry is an emotion because I think it should be, but I’m alexithymic, what do I know?)

Vicki has run off to hang in Damon’s room, and he comes back from lunch just to tell her he changed her out of boredom. Well, not “just”, but now it’s dark, I guess? He says she’s been cooped up all day and they go to leave, but Damon says she’s bored and they should actually be teaching her. They go to the yard, and Damon shows her super speed, and so she… runs away, obviously. Damon brushes it off with a “My bad”.

She goes right to Matt, where she realizes she needs an invitation, and where Matt starts in on her immediately. Where was she, there’s murdered people in the woods, the cops are looking for her, and no, he’s not going to drop it! What’s wrong with you?! Stefan shows up, but Matt tells him to get lost, because Vicki doesn’t want to see him.

Elena comes home to Jeremy calling Vicki, and she offers that they go to the school Halloween party and maybe forget Vicki for a while? But Jeremy says Vicki got him out of the depression surrounding their parents’ deaths, and he’s not giving her up. I like this scene for 2 reasons: We get a very definite date to place us in time, since everyone is walking around Virginia in October in sleeveless tops, no jackets, an trees in full leaf. And we get a little of Jeremy’s headspace, because I like him, too. I hope he and Vicki can make a go of it.

Vicki texts him that she’s stuck with Matt; will he meet her at the school Halloween thing? Duh. Of course he will.

The school Halloween thing has liquor? Ok, sure. Bonnie isn’t drinking, but Caro is.

The Lockwoods are… late for the school party? I guess. Mr wants to leave, but Mrs wants to finish her drink at The Grill, so Mr leaves her, allowing Damon to slide into the booth instead. So she can flirt wildly with him, of course. She asks if he’s related to Zack, and Damon tries to mojo her into telling him how she knows him, but she’s un-mojo-able. But Zack’s on the Founders’ Council, duh. And she’s left him several messages lately, why won’t he call back? Out of town, says Damon, and it’s news to him that Zack was on the council, too. But if it’s about the vervain, Damon can help. He knows about the vervain? Well,. he’s a Salvatore, so of course! (And therefore he’s absolutely NOT a vampire! which is, I assume, the subtext there. Good job, Damon.)

Matt and Elena have a couple’s costume from last year, sexy nurse and hot doctor. Matt says Vicki’s there, dressed as a vampire, and Elena is immediately off to find Jeremy before he can get to Vicki.

Who is having a lot of trouble navigating a crowd, because she’s starving. Luckily Stefan’s following her and pulls her into an empty room to tell her she should leave, that she’s likely to do something she’ll regret.

Zack had promised the Lockwoods more vervain. Damon asks how many people he needs to supply, and she says their children, friends, family, and the council members. How many council members? Oh, well, Zack knows. Anyway, Mrs is so late, she really has to go or her husband will be unhappy. So Damon asks if she’s happy with the husband, and she calls him out for flirting, but with a smile. He says she started it, and he should escort her to the school. There are so many vampires out tonight!

She laughs and wishes the real ones would be as easy to find, then tells him that they eliminated as a suspect everyone who showed up to the Founders’ Day party during the day. So the council doesn’t know about the rings! And the rest of their suspects were “dead ends”.

Damon shows up at the party and goes for a drink from a cauldron Bonnie is standing at. He asks about Caroline, then notices Bonnie’s necklace – the jewel. He tells Bonnie it’s his, and then tries to take it from her, but power crackles and shocks him and he has to let it go. Bonnie is shocked and runs off; he’s shocked by what appears to be the force of her power.

Vicki finds Jeremy and they go make out in the bus parking lot while Stefan and Elena search frantically. Vicki’s telling Jeremy she has to leave, she can’t stand living with Matt, won’t he come with her? He takes like, zero convincing, and she immediately is nibbling him. She vamps out as Elena comes around the side of the bus. Elena hits her with a board, she throws Elena, Stefan comes out, Vicki runs. Elena and Jeremy try to hide, but Vicki catches Elena and bites her – so Stefan stakes Vicki.

Jeremy keeps screaming her name, and I’m afraid she’s really dead, you guys! She had so much promise! She was so fun! She still has a body, it’s right there, one staking?! After all those times she almost died and didn’t?!?!?!?!

Stefan calls Damon for help with the body, and the story, I presume.

Bonnie has run home to Gran, who immediately tells her the jewel is not a piece of costume junk. It belonged to one of the most powerful witches in their family: Emily Bennett, a greatx3 or 4 or something grandmother.

Damon shows up to help and Elena is mad about it. Damon says none of this nonsense matters to him, and then she’s mad about that. Damon also tells her to leave, because she’s bleeding, and that seems to shut her up for the moment. She walks resentfully away.

Matt snags her as she walks through the party, and Elena lies that she doesn’t know where Vicki is. Matt believes this, despite Elena being an awful liar.

Stefan took Jeremy home, and is waiting for Elena, but she goes right to Jeremy to talk about it. He asks why everyone has to die on him, and…

Matt goes home to an empty, silent house. (Where are their parents?!)

Elena asks Stefan to mojo Jeremy to forget Vicki, and he says he can’t do it, because he doesn’t eat people. Damon has been standing out of frame, I guess, and offers to do it instead. If Elena is sure, he’ll do it. Elena is sure. Vicki’s left town. She told Jeremy not to contact her.

Damon goes into the house, and Elena tells Stefan that she wishes she could forget, too. Forget meeting him, forget everything that’s happened since. But she admits she can’t forget – because she can’t lose the way she feels about him.

a fuzzy orange cat with text reading "excuse me while I barf in my mouth"

SGRoA: The Vampire Diaries, S1 E6: Lost Girls

Posted on by
Reply
SGRoA post 116 of 122

Probably not gonna get anyone half as cool as that guy, but you never know! Let’s get started!

So, uh, y’all are gonna think I’m super dumb, and I might be, it’s not out of the question, but – I literally just realized that the stupid “Dear Diary” bits are why the show is The Vampire Diaries. Like. The diaries are the point. Were there books? Did they follow the diary convention the whole time? Because let’s be honest, it’s been 5 episodes and we’ve only seen the diary thing in, like, 2 of them. Just, y’know. In my defense.

Anyway, Elena is trying to come to terms with thinking Stefan’s a vamp. She drives over to his place as he’s charging into the night with a stake for Damon and he opens the door to… what they say is 1864, but Stefan’s coat and hair definitely say 2000s trying to do “history” without a scrap of historical costume knowledge available. I don’t think the carriages are anywhere near correct, either. Oh, and here comes Catherine with her titties out and her hair all unkempt. Feh.

Ms. Banner would never approve

We get the title sting and then we’re back in the Aughts, with Elena demanding to know what Stefan is. He says she already knows, or she wouldn’t be here. She repeats the question, and through teary eyes, he tells us: “I am… a vampire.”

news to this guy

Elena runs away, but he moves faster and cuts her off, which just makes her leave faster. And then he shows up in her bedroom, insisting she’s safe with him, doing nothing to prove it. He tells her he’s a vegetarian, and that she can’t tell people because it’s dangerous, and she just wants him to leave. “If you mean me no harm, you’ll go.” He does. He is supposed to be our good guy, after all.

Damon has eaten everyone at the graveyard party and calls Stefan because he wants his ring. Stefan doesn’t have it and asks what Damon has done. Nothing, he says, because whatever he did is a direct result of being captured and starved. So really, what did Stefan do? Stefan says the town won’t believe anymore animal attacks, and Damon says he knows how to cover his tracks, while burning all the bodies. But what’s this? Vicki’s still not dead!

Stefan and Elena meet for coffee and explanations. He eats, he drinks, the ring explains the sun, holy items don’t work. Damon mojoed Caroline. He’ll tell her everything, and she’ll get to decide what she does with that information.

Logan and the sheriff are at the graveyard rave. Logan says the smell is awful, and asks how he should report this. Sheriff says drug deal gone bad, and then they find Vicki’s ID.

You know? I would have loved to see this show from the vampire hunters’ perspectives. I just think it would be so much more interesting and give so many more plot opportunities. How they came to the knowledge. How true or not they’ve thought it was all these years. How seriously or not they take their pledges to deal with the vamps. Like, just would be better, all around, imo.

sigh

Damon keeps hounding Stefan for the ring, and keeping Vicki alive on his sofa. Mostly by turning her, it’s true, but hey. What’s a guy to do?

Stefan takes Elena to see where his house used to be, and explains that he’s “been 17 years old since 1864”, all while looking straight into the camera with his 30-year-old face. Seventeen my ass, dude, and I know someone who’s been 17 for almost 600 years. She has never been to high school; she would find you offensive. Don’t know if she’d kill you, but she absolutely would hate you.

she’d like that this cover is in Empire colors

He promises he won’t hold anything back from Elena, and yeah, sure, buddy. We believe you. He and Damon were born there, and we go Flashbacking again, to absolutely the worst costumes I’ve ever seen. The boys look like it might be the 1920s, and their shirts are open, no undergarments, in front of Catherine wearing an 1890s hat, titties still out, hair some prom spectacle from 1994, in a polyester dress.

meme mom is horrified

Damon wants to break them up in the Aughts because he and Stefan both loved Catherine. More flashbacks, more bad costumes. We even get the dreaded half-up hairdo! Catherine chose Stefan to take her to the first Founders’ Day Ball, and everyone is looking so well-fed and happy and I’m just…. Virginia! 1864! WTF?!

like, this is the Norfolk Navy Yard that year, feels like we should party!

Yes, yes, rich people have always been above the fray but, like, come ON. Also, is Damon a Confederate because he’s evil? Why isn’t Stefan fighting? Did he just… not? Even though mostly everyone did? Yes, even 17-year-olds?

Feh, I say again. It takes like 30 seconds to Google this kind of shit and keep your audience engaged in the story. I’m super checked out because all of this – bad costumes, bad writing, an inability to understand basic history – has utterly broken my immersion. I’m wondering how they got food to the town to throw a party instead of paying attention to anything else.

And a corset lacing scene with no chemise. It’s like they did a bingo card!

even Nicole disapproves

Turns out Catherine was a vampire, and obviously, she’s gotta be both men’s dame, right? She wanted a polycule but mojoed both guys to not tell the other about the vampirism. Weird way to set up a throuple, but whatever.

Ooh, yay, more town founder vampire hunters! Logan did manage to get the watch from Jeremy. Lockwood – who looks like the Gabriel Macht you get on Wish – takes out the watch part and puts in something that looks like a compass, so I’m guessing it will find the vamps. Seriously, I could watch hours of this, but then we’re off to have a dance party with Damon and Vicki.

And apparently Damon didn’t turn her? because she complains about her life and he says she’s pathetic and then he snaps her neck.

Me, watching right now.

But then we come back from commercial and she’s alive again. The number of this woman’s deaths is too damn high!

Damon says he drank from her, she drank from him, he killed her, now she has to feed to finish the transformation. She doesn’t believe him, says she just wants to go. He tells her to stop by Jeremy’s on her way home, and if she sees Stefan or Elena, tell them to call him.

The hunters are on the prowl. Sheriff gives Logan the compass and some wooden bullets (finally, some good fucking lore!) and some stakes. The bullets won’t kill, but they will slow them down. He’s at the entrance to… the cemetery? no one has said where they’re staking out – heh, staking – but this is some sort of operation to catch the vamp.

Vicki does indeed go see Jeremy, complains she’s hungry and her head hurts, and raids his fridge.

Stefan explains the vervain amulet.

Jeremy calls Matt to help Vicki, and the three of them see Logan reporting on the murders. She freaks out, obviously, but Stefan comes in with Elena at that moment and takes over for the boys who can’t know how to help. He tells Elena that Vicki needs to feed on human blood; if she doesn’t, she’ll die.

I have to say, the woman playing Vicki is great. She is not given a ton to work with (none of them are, let’s be real), and I really feel for her every time she’s on screen! It would be so easy to make her a throwaway character, another dumb druggie bitch, right? But she’s played with such intelligence and sensitivity and a real sense that her bad decisions are all made out of suffering. Oh no. Is Vicki this show’s Miles O’Brien?

Stefan says she has a few hours. Right now she doesn’t remember anything, but as she gets closer to death, she will get those memories back, and then she’ll know she has to choose. “The same choice you made?” snarks Elena to Stefan, and then leaves the room.

I’m sorry, what choice would you have had him make? No one has explained this in words so that Vicki knows what’s going on. She has zero idea she’s gonna be a vamp or a corpse. Did anyone explain it to Stefan? Did he know what he was choosing, or was he – a SEVENTEEN-YEAR-OLD – merely choosing to live, as almost any human would do?

Elena rn

Vicki almost bites Jeremy and runs out of the house to stop herself (BECAUSE NO ONE HAS SAID SHIT TO HER ABOUT WHAT’S HAPPENING). Stefan says he can track her and Elena yells at him to go do that. I hate all these people, my god.

Logan is wandering in the dark forest with his little compass. Who vampire hunts at night? Apparently the sheriff and her deputies, too, because Logan is being pointed toward the cemetery and calls for backup.

Damon shows up at Elena’s and does his little villain dance on the catwalk. He’s the only one having fun here, I love him.

Elena is visibly afraid, so he guesses that Stefan told her about the fangs. There’s the usual posturing and implied threats, the fun snappy dialogue. She makes a quip about Catherine and Damon leaves.

Stefan finds Vicki in the cemetery, and we’ve got like 5 minutes left, so my guess is that we’ll all converge. Ooh, maybe Logan gets eaten? He seems too important, but maybe?

Vicki’s crying: she doesn’t want this, she doesn’t think. But maybe. Will she be better? No, it doesn’t matter, she wants to go home. Will Stefan take her home?

Probably, but Logan shoots him with a wooden bullet before he can answer. Stefan hits the ground, Logan threatens with the stake. Vicki screams No! but it’s Damon who sinks his teeth into Logan, and Vicki who finishes him off, says she’s sorry, and runs away.

Damon takes the compass and his ring and takes off; sheriff and deputies find Logan but no Stefan, so I guess he ran away? despite being woodshot?

sometimes, you do have to include details

Stefan shows up back at Elena’s to bring her up to speed. He says he’ll find Vicki and teach her to eat animals, but what are they going to tell everyone else? A story, he says. A lie, she counters, and then breaks up with him.

Despite her copious tears, don’t think this one’s gonna stick, either! Until next week, Snowflakes!

SGRoA: Vampire Diaries, S1 E5: You’re Undead to Me

Posted on by
Reply
SGRoA post 115 of 122

Goob morning! No, wait, afternoon, but since my day is just getting started, goob morning! Let’s see if VD (hee hee, I’m 12) can keep its winning streak going!

Ooh, we have a new exterior shot of the Salvatore home, so the inside matches the outside now, good job! We open on Damon in the dungeon (well, in the basement, but vampires!), so my hopes are sky-high that we get more events that happen because of events before them, instead of the first three episodes’ meandering nonsense. Maybe if it takes 3 television hours for your writers to figure out what they’re doing, you should not make those first three scripts? Call me crazy….

Anyway, Damon in the dungeon. Three days since the party, and Stefan is going on about how vampires used to be reeducated when they were a danger to the community. Yeah, right, sounds very fangy to me, not like human life has always been cheap or like vampires have always been a little more violent than anyone wished. Reeducation. Okay, why not.

Within a week without blood, Damon will be a mummy, unable to hurt anyone. “So you’re just gonna leave me in the basement?” No: when his circulation stops (do they have circulation?!), Stefan will move him to the family crypt, and reevaluate in 50 years. Jesus, this is fuckin brutal, first of all, and I’m the one who invented gross new things made of wood to silence vampires. Second of all, tho, I don’t think it’s going to work, and not only because Stefan told Damon the whole plan like a Bond villain, but that has to be part of it.

Third of all, I was going to get into a lore discussion, but y’know what? I’ve decided not to care. I will take what this show gives me for lore and I will not argue. I’m trying to enjoy this show on its own terms. I mean, I love a soap opera, too – I’ve watched both iterations of Dark Shadows! – I just… this show makes it hard to like it, let’s be honest. But I’m trying!

Elena wakes up and finds Vicki in the bathroom. Go Jeremy, maybe? Jenna knows Vicki is there, but does think Jeremy could try to be crafty about it, but it’s fine. Also, she won’t be home for dinner because she has a date with Logan. How’s Elena’s love life? Cryptic, as usual, and though Elena appears to be over it, we all know you don’t get 8 seasons of soap shenanigans out of permanently breaking up.

Stefan lets Uncle Zack know that Damon is in the basement. Zack is surprised Stefan’s going to school, just like I have been this entire time, but Zack’s objection seems to be just for the day.

Bonnie and Caroline are talking in Caroline’s room before school. Look, I don’t know about y’all, but I’m autistic and school was exhausting. I rolled out of bed 10 minutes before my ride showed up and I certainly wasn’t having all these early-morning convos. These are the least teenaged teenagers ever – and I’m not even talking about the vamps!

pictured: all my scenes before 10 am

Anyway, Caro says she can’t remember what happened at the party, maybe she let Damon bite her? But she’s having a lot of memory problems lately, so who knows? Bonnie asks about the crystal, which is now on a whole-ass gold chain, so again, it’s a jewel, but whatever. Caro says Damon gave it to her – or was going to give it to her, it doesn’t matter, it’s hers now. Bonnie says it’s ugly, and they head to school.

Where Bonnie is hanging around Elena to talk some more before class. (I made it with about 2 minutes to get to my locker and roll up to my first class, but sure, we’re all dressed hours before our day starts in TV High School Land!) Elena is amazed that Caroline is acting like nothing happened (srsly) and Bonnie says Caro is in denial. And then Bonnie says goodbye, because Stefan is here. We’re inching back to “3 lines and we’re done” territory, hate to say it. Also hate that every episode seems to start with morning of a school day and end at bedtime (sometimes of another day, hard to tell). Like, it would make sense if these kids weren’t written to be 27 in all their other interactions.

only one allowed to be the world’s oldest teenager

Elena is … mad? that Stefan didn’t call her for four days? because he was dealing with Damon, which he … called and told her about? And Stefan says she’s right to be angry with him?

I have no idea what’s going on here. She told Jenna she didn’t like the secrecy, so what’s with her now being pissed about the length of time? Is it not done to go four days without a call? I’m from the 90s, y’all, what is this interaction about?!?!?!

They make plans to meet at The Restaurant, which is apparently called The Grill, so I wasn’t far off, after school. Caro comes up to ask where Damon is, and Stefan tells her he’s gone. Permanently. Elena reminds a close-to-tears Caro that this is a good thing.

Oh my God, we don’t have to sit through any of the school day, thank Jeebus. Stefan hasn’t shown up to the grill, so Elena plays pool with Matt. Meanwhile, Zack tells Damon that he’s the reason Zack forwent a human family and that he resents Damon for his very existence. Damon tries to strangle him through the bars on the door in the definitely not a dungeon basement, and Stefan comes home just in time to stop him. Yawn. Not that getting some character stuff from Zack isn’t good, it totally would be, but this scene has been in everything.

Elena and Matt discuss Jeremy and Vicki. Stefan’s an hour late. Matt encourages Elena to spill her problems, and she talks about Stefan’s secrecy again. Matt says he thinks Stefan’s probably okay, but Elena needs to talk to him. Stefan shows up and is cagey about why he’s late, and they start fighting, but are interrupted by an older man saying he recognizes Stefan. Stefan hasn’t aged a day! Elena and Stefan leave the man staring after them – and of course, when Elena wonders what that was about, Stefan gets evasive.

Logan joins the sheriff at the grill. She says they’ve checked all the habitats on the other side of the lake and every vacant building in town, but they can’t find the vampires. Logan offers that it must be a private residence they’re after, then, and no one has a mole in the high school? No one mentioned two men in their thirties at least signing up for classes? Joining the football team? Damon and Stefan haven’t exactly been on the down-low, my god. Everyone in this town is missing half a brain or something.

They still don’t have the pocket watch; Sheriff says it’s passed down through the male line, so Logan should start with Jeremy to find it. So the Sheriff has a whole brain. Dammit. That feels so wrong.

Jenna shows up for their date, cutting off the vampire chat.

At home, Elena tells Jeremy she’s “miserable”, so he tells her to go eat something. Of course, because this is not just written about teen girls, but also apparently by them, Stefan is in the kitchen, making chicken parm and calling the cheese “mootsarell” like he’s from Long Island circa 1990. Like. If I were 16, I would definitely think that finding my crush in my kitchen would be romantic, but I also wouldn’t have put it in a story because unless you get rid of all adults all the time, 16-year-olds do not make each other dinner in each other’s kitchens. Not even adults do this shit, even when it would be achievable and romantic. Mash them Barbies together, girls!

He’s making her dinner so he can talk to her, to tell her everything, so if she breaks up with him, at least she’ll really know whom she’s dumping. So he starts talking about Catherine, but it’s all surface shit and absolutely nothing about her effect on him, which is what I would want to know. Who gives a shit about Catherine’s olive skin or selfishness? What did it mean TO YOU, Stefan? How did she change YOU? Who are YOU?!

Vicki, meanwhile, has found Elena’s leftover painkillers from the car accident over a year ago. Opiates just make me barf, so this would be wasted on me, but she’s excited to get fucked up. Jeremy objects to being high all the time, and Vicki warns him not to try to change her just because they’re together.

Stefan has moved on to books and sitcoms. And music, which he says he loves all of, then mentions a bunch of 70s artists and that he liked “that one Miley song”.

captain kathryn janeway, rolling her eyes

Elena cuts her finger chopping garlic and Stefan freaks out a little cuz he gets her blood on him and he vamps out a little and she notices but of course he regains control, she calls it a hallucination, and they kiss.

Caroline is firming up plans for the next day’s bikini carwash when Damon starts pulling on their psychic bond. The corvid shows up and she shoos it away – or tries, at least.

Stefan comes home and interrupts so they can have two sentences together that cover everything we already know. *sigh*

Bikini carwash is gross. The guys are also washing cars, but they all have shirts on, so. Some girl is mean about someone’s car so Bonnie uses her witch telekinesis to… get water on her.

Look at that. Twice in one ep.

Banter banter banter. Elena says Stefan should take off his ring to protect the stone, which he says is “lapis LATSuli” and, uh, no, it’s LAZ-oo-lie, but whatever. Logan reminds Jenna of making out in the school parking lot, and Elena runs into the guy who recognized Stefan from years ago, when his uncle Jonathan was mauled in the woods by an animal. The older Stefan also had a brother Damon and they look the same, and had the same ring, and it was in June of 1953.

And that’s why you don’t live with humans if you’re trying to be secret, duh.

Damon keeps trying to call Caroline throughout.

Elena goes right to Stefan to ask more questions about his family.

Vicki takes Jeremy to hang with her friends at the cemetery and get high. I love this. I usually get high and then go to the cemetery because it’s the only halfway quiet place around to take a walk, but it would be nice with friends, too!

Elena asks Logan to look up stories from the 50s “for a report”, and it gets him another dinner date with Jenna to help Elena out.

Caroline is finally compelled to help Damon. Who is very sweaty, despite undergoing mummification? Like, I just have really dry skin, and even when I run a fever or something, I just don’t sweat that much. Weird.

Anyway, she opens the door, Zack tries to stop her, but no dice. Damon breaks his neck and runs after Caroline, but she escapes the house after he’s trapped in a beam of sunlight.

Bonnie lights bitchy girl’s car on fire, I assume, but Stefan diverts her attention and the fire goes out. She hopes no one saw, and while I would think that even a short-lived to the point of being momentary car fire would attract some notice, this town is full of half-brains, so nope. No one saw you being a witch, Bonnie, feel free to continue!

Oh, but it was a big enough fire for someone to call Logan about it. Again, I’m assuming, since that’s usually how narrative works, but who knows? He lets Elena have access to the digitized files at the station so she can figure out Stefan’s a vampire and runs off.

Jeremy gets mad at Vicki for taking the painkillers from the house, because Elena will notice if they’re gone. Except they’re a year old and she isn’t using them. I wouldn’t notice that, and I notice car fires, tell you what. Her friends hate him. They have a fight. Honestly, these two would be more interesting than anyone else, except that I’ve seen this rich kid/poor kid small town dynamic eleventy billion times already.

Matt tells Stefan to be honest with Elena.

Elena finds the story she’s looking for, which was clearly filmed yesterday and had filters put on it to make it look old-timey. It doesn’t work, this is an extremely bad prop. But Stefan’s there in the background, haunting the door to his house.

Sheriff asks Caroline what’s wrong, if it’s boy troubles. Caro says if she wants to talk boys, she’ll call her father, who is successfully dating one.

I just love Caroline, Caroline’s my favorite

Stefan goes home and finds a dead corvid, a dead Zack, an empty dungeon.

Elena starts voice-overing about how there’s not supposed to be weird shit in the world, and, girl.

Data the android laughing on the bridge of the Enterprise-D
the world is nothing BUT weirdness

Bonnie shows up at her grandma’s house, talking about how she doesn’t know what’s happening to her.

Light shines through Caroline’s crystal and makes a star pattern.

Logan looks for the pocket watch and gets almost caught by Jeremy.

Elena puts together the vampire clues, both in her mirror and in voiceover.

Damon finds the loser cemetery party and eats Vicki.

Stefan prepares to kill Damon, and is interrupted by Elena at the door: “What are you?”

Aside from the last 15 minutes or so being exhausting, this wasn’t a terrible episode. Not as good as the last one, but they’re definitely trying harder. Until next time!

SGRoA: Vampire Diaries, S1 E4: Family Ties

Posted on by
Reply
SGRoA post 114 of 122

featuring not-not-Michael-Gross!

My internet is crazy bad today because it’s windy, but let’s try to do this!

Elena wakes in the night, and it’s another dream – this time, one of Stefan’s. Which Damon… gave him? He says something about how easy it was to get into his head just now. He also says that there’s no more reason to be afraid: they caught the mountain lion who was attacking people! Isn’t that wonderful?

Not really, according to Stefan. Why would Damon cover his tracks? (Because it’s 2008 and you can’t get away with killing indiscriminately in a small town, and you never really could, so he’s been smart about feeding is not the reason, unfortunately.) Because he’s decided to stay awhile, and keep trying to seduce Elena. The vervain, not verbena, amulet stops him from mojoing, it’s true, but he is handsome and maybe rich (vampires should be, imo) and he doesn’t usually have to mojo women, so, like, watch it, male model Stefan.

look at that Blue Steel! Le Tigre!

Damon also mentions his ability to unflinchingly listen to Taylor Swift, which is impressive, Damon! She’s worse at writing than your writers’ room! (I’m sure she’s quite lovely on a personal level, good for her for making money, but that woman has zero musical talent, I’m sorry, it’s true.) And then he stabs Stefan! What?! Just casually shoves a knife in as he leaves the room. Ok. Sure.

This scene went for over four full minutes, btw. I’m very impressed, it was mostly coherent and gave us actual information! Good job!

After the opener, Elena and Aunt… Jenna? Homegirl vanished last episode, I can’t remember her name. Anyway, they’re watching the local news on TV (a thing you could still do in 2008!). Logan Fell is reporting on the mountain lion being caught, and it turns out that Jenna moved away because of a bad breakup with Logan. She doesn’t want to talk about it, though, so they turn to the … safe deposit box that Elena has? Oh, it’s a box that was in the safe-deposit, gotcha. Someone wants to borrow stuff for Founders’ Day, a holiday that seemingly every television show town has, but that I have not once encountered in real life. What about y’all, does your town do this?

Anyway, Jeremy doesn’t want Elena to lend anything out, because “it’s mom and dad’s stuff! you can’t just give it away!” and Elena says it’s a LOAN. Poor Jeremy. Please get him a therapist!

Stefan shows up, and Elena immediately takes him upstairs to make out, during which he notices in the mirror that he’s started to vamp out. Elena calls a timeout, gently, and he agrees they’re getting too hot n heavy. Elena changes the subject by asking him to the Founders’ Day Ball. The party was super important to her mom, who was very involved in the Founders Committee, or whatever made-up thing they call it. It was her favorite party every year, and this is the first since her death, etc, etc, and Stefan says he’ll be pleased to go.

I’m shocked, y’all! These two scenes also lasted several minutes, they led into each other, they follow in a logical progression and nothing has been done and then immediately undone??!!!

shook, y’all! SHOOK

Caroline is trying on dresses for Damon’s approval – I assume for Founders’ Day, because they’re formal. No yellow, he says, and the she says he can’t go with her, because her mom won’t like him, but he mojos her and gets invited. Obviously. OMG, he’s lying on her bed reading New Moon and asking what’s so special about Bella. Damon, I take it all back, you’re my new favorite.

let’s sit together and talk shit about other vampire writers

He misses Anne Rice: “she was so on it.” Caro asks why he doesn’t sparkle: “Because I live in the real world!” (Then give up your magic rings and vervain amulets, thanks.) We also get a good lore convo: he needs the ring to be in the sun, and you can’t become a vamp just from bites. Caroline asks if he’ll kill her, and he says he will, but he needs her still, so not yet!

Damon’s my favorite, I will be taking no questions at this time, thank you.

Tyler is with his parents at The Restaurant, and his mom wants him to focus on Founders’ Day. Vicki comes around as their server, and Tyler won’t talk to her. Dad asks for the check; turns out he’s the mayor? Crazy.

Bonnie and Caroline come in, and Bonnie’s asking Caro to go with her to the party, but Caro says she’s going with Damon. Bonnie should go with Elena, but no-go, because Elena is going with Stefan. Bonnie calls Damon “dangerous”, but Caroline – despite being told in the last scene that he fully intends to murder her – says he just has complicated family problems, which she will tell Bonnie, as long as Bonnie doesn’t tell Elena.

Back to Tyler and Vicki: His parents are gone, so now he’ll acknowledge she exists. But no, thanks, she calls him out on how he treats her like crap, and she’s done. Except… not, of course, because she’s in high school, and all she really wants is to be asked to the party.

Jeremy, seated at the bar, sees all of this and points out that 1. she shouldn’t have to ask to be asked to a party, and 2. she knows she’s making shitty decisions, and yet continues to make the same choices. Jeremy is the only sane person in this town, swear to god.

Back at the Salvatores’, Uncle whoever-I-called-him finds Damon in the living room, “just going through Stefan’s homework” and not understanding why Stefan keeps going to school. Harvard in the 70s made a little sense, but high school? Uncle Zack (that’s his actual name) wants to know why Damon’s here, really, and Damon says it’s just to spend time with family! And then he puts his hand on Zack’s throat and threatens him a little, for a treat, and then leaves.

Stefan finds Zack on the floor, and Zack’s all “you’re in danger! the town’s in danger! danger!”

And Stefan’s all like, yeah, I know, but I would have to drink humans to stop him, so…. And Zack suggests vervain, but Stefan reminds him that it hasn’t grown in that town since 1865, “Damon saw to that” and like. Buddy. Guy. Have I got news for you!

Also, you can apparently eat people without killing them, so WHAT IS THE PROBLEM. Seems like you’re keeping yourself down for no clear reasons, like every “noble vampire” guy since we invented sexy vampires. Yet another reason Damon’s my fave. Stefan:Nick Knight :: Damon: Lacroix.

Zack takes him down to the basement where he has a whole vervain grow operation. It’s 2008 in Virginia, if you can grow fussy herbs, you could grow less-fussy ones and make wayyyyyyy more money. Just sayin’.

Y’all. We’re only 15 minutes in? I can’t believe I have so much to say this week!

Tyler shows up at Elena’s for the box of history stuff, and so he and Jeremy can yell at each other a little. This is the first useless scene in this episode, and I don’t even think it’s that useless. Just too short to get anything accomplished, really.

Bonnie comes over to do Elena’s nails for the party, and to tell her what Caroline told her not to repeat: Catherine chose Damon, so Stefan told her a bunch of terrible stuff about Damon, and she ended up believing Stefan and leaving Damon. Elena says that’s none of her business; Bonnie insists it is, because obviously Stefan is a manipulative liar. Elena defends him, and Bonnie points out that Elena can’t know that Stefan did or didn’t tell a bunch of lies to break up a relationship.

Stefan and Damon are getting dressed. Stefan says they should keep a low profile, seeing as they were at the first Founders’ Day party. Damon says he’ll make sure Elena has a good time, since Stefan isn’t going. Stefan complains about just wanting to live his life. Damon: “You’re dead, dude. Get over it.”

Jeremy filched a pocket watch from the antiques box, but they need to give it to Tyler’s mom for the history bit of the party. Elena accuses him of selling it, but he just took it, since it’s passed down to oldest sons. He tells her to take it and get out.

Oh, Stefan wasn’t getting ready: he brought scotch in to Damon’s room because it was spiked with vervain. He’s not even dressed when Damon pours a glass, then pours it out on the carpet and complains about going to the party angry. He thought they were having a moment!

No, wait, Stefan does get dressed. Zack thought that plan would work, he was sure! Stefan wasn’t.

There’s a huge receiving line to get into the party. Vicki’s waiting in it, when Tyler leaves his parents and leads her around back, because “the line’s too long”. Uh-huh. Not because you don’t want to have to treat her properly in front of your parents (whose house this is, I guess? They were greeting the line, so.).

Caroline’s mom is a cop, working the party, in uniform. She asks who Damon is, and Caroline says he’s basically no one. Mom says he’s too old for Caro, who shoots back, “because if he was younger you’d approve?” Mom asks where Caroline’s dad is, and she says, “Memphis.” Mom says good, and Caro adds, “with Stephen” as she walks away. Ooh, did mom get left for a gay? I love it, I hope Dad is living his best life with Stephen.

especially Caroline’s mom!

So party party party….. A bunch of stuff around the house is from the town’s families, on loan for the party to show off the Founders, I assume.

hopefully not this kind

Jenna runs into Logan, who doesn’t even dodge her barbs; he ignores them and asks her to dinner. She says no and hoofs it out the room.

Elena finds the first Founders’ Day guest list from 1864, showing off how everyone running this town has always run it, and finding some familiar names. Before Stefan comes up with anything, Damon and Caroline pop up, Damon talking about how those were their ancestors, obviously. Caroline says she’s bored and wants to dance, and takes Stefan because Damon refuses. No doubt some little machination of Damon’s, but I don’t think it’s gonna pan out.

Also, why the fuck would a small town in Virginia have a party in 1864?! Was anyone alive? Did they have any food or anything? Like, I know that obviously not every single town would have been in dire straits, even in Virginia, but, like, this feels like a very weird year to choose to have all your vampy goings-on. The midst of war is not usually a time for small towns to have big, fancy parties.

So Damon starts telling Elena about their ancestors, about how all the men in the family are cursed with sibling rivalry, going all the way back to the original Salvatore brothers. Their name was practically royalty in the town until the war. Like… the war they were in the middle of when they had their party?! The turning point was the Battle of Willow Creek, where Confederate soldiers fired on civilians in a church. Damon says the civilians were thought to be Union sympathizers, so the founders wanted to burn the church down with the people in it.

But Catherine was in the church, and they went to rescue her and got shot dead outside. Elena blows by all the questions about Confederates and war crimes and how, in the middle of shit like that, anyone was having a party, and tells Damon she can’t get in the middle of their family shit, sorry, please move on.

Tyler has, of course, hid Vicki the entire night, and now will neither dance with her or show her around, because he’s hiding her. Vicki calls him on it, again, and sticks to her guns this time, only to be interrupted by Tyler’s mom! She’s very polite, but Vicki goes, and she tells her son, “That’s what you get for bringing trash into the party.” Bitch! Your kid is the trash, ma’am, make no mistake.

Bonnie lights a candle with her mind, so that’s pretty cool!

Stefan and Elena reunite and dance.

Logan apologizes to Jenna, and gives condolences for her sister’s death. But Jenna’s not having it, because he cheated on her. Thanks for the condolences, tho!

Stefan doesn’t want to talk to Elena about Catherine, but she tells him that he can, if that ever changes. Also, she’d like to, y’know, KNOW him. He tells her to let Catherine go, that Damon is turning her against him, and she says it must be working, and leaves. But like, she’s right: he tells her nothing about himself, vaguely brings up his ex and then refuses to talk about that, too – so what is Elena to believe? He won’t open up, and other people whisper in her ear. Why wouldn’t she believe them, when he won’t say anything?!

Mrs. Lockwood (Bitch) asks Elena where the pocket watch is, and Elena says she couldn’t find it. I don’t know why she didn’t bring it to the party, weird.

Damon takes a jewel (tho he calls it a crystal) from a hidden compartment in one of the boxes of artefacts. Caro tells him not to steal and he points out it’s not stealing if it’s his.

agreed

Logan apologizes again, because someone in that writers’ room really wants to mash these Barbies together. Jenna says yes to a lunch.

Bitch Lockwood berates a cater waiter because the candles aren’t lit in the dining room. Bonnie watches this, then lights them all with her brain.

In the ladies room, Caro hints that Stefan likes her to Elena, but Elena notices something under her scarf – the bite. Elena is concerned, but Caro tells her to mind her business and runs out.

Elena goes right to Damon and tells him to stay away from Caroline, or she’ll go to Caroline’s mom – the sheriff. She then goes to Stefan and tells him he was right about Damon, and she shouldn’t have doubted him. Caro has bruises everywhere – bite marks! Why doesn’t Stefan look surprised? He’s handling it, he says, and there are things he can’t tell her. She needs to trust him. Trust is earned, she reminds him, and before he can, he runs off.

Vicki shows up at Jeremy’s, because of course. I expect that will last exactly until the next episode.

Caroline tells Damon she didn’t tell Elena anything, that Elena pulled the scarf and saw but Caro didn’t give him up, please don’t be mad, and damn, girl. This relationship is no good, baby. He eats her, of course, but while Stefan couldn’t poison Damon’s drinks, he could spike Caroline’s. It only took a sip to incapacitate him, too. He drags Damon away to a cell.

Caroline wakes up and finds the jewel, just as Elena comes over. Caroline starts shaking and crying; must be the mojo wearing off. Elena comforts her.

In the house, a group of founders gathers. Lockwood is still looking for the pocket watch, not believing Elena’s white lie. Logan says he’ll get it, because they need it. They need all the artefacts. Five bodies drained of blood can mean only one thing: The vampires are back.

You guys! What! What happened?!?! We have plot. We have foreshadowing. We have actual human emotions and responses!!!!!

I’m really excited for next week!!!!