Did everyone get enough pie yesterday? I hope so. And if not, settle in with a slice, because I have a treat for you: An interview with Grant Black, president and CEO of Black Industries, billionaire, and vampire.

Catherine Winters: Thank you for agreeing to talk with me today, Mr. Black. I know you don’t do many interviews.

Grant Black: Indeed.

CW: So. Black Industries. Logistics. Can you tell us a little about that?

GB: It’s shipping. Is this really what you’d like to discuss, Darling?

CW: I thought it was a nice, neutral topic to start things. And don’t call me that.

GB: Darling?

CW: Yes.

GB: So I am to, what? Refer to you as one of my employees, with all the attendant distance of formality?

CW: Catherine is fine.

GB: One would hope it would be, given how well you think you know me already.

CW (resisting the urge to roll my eyes): How about we start again. What would you like to talk about?

GB: …

CW: Fine. I get it. But you agreed to the interview, so, you know. Play along. Darling. 

GB: You’re terribly charming, aren’t you? Fine. “Shall I start like David Copperfield? I am born, I grow up….”

CW: You’ve seen Interview With The Vampire?

GB: This century had quite a steep learning curve for me. I relied rather heavily on television for a while. My…aide thought it funny to bring me vampire movies, but I didn’t mind that one. Dracula, however, in whatever iteration, was always awful. He’d never been a hero, not even when he drove the Turks out.

CW: So you knew Dracula.

GB: How could I not? He was never half so interesting as his women, though.

CW: Like Mircalla Karnstein, Empress?

GB: That is something I cannot discuss. Shall we move on?

CW: To what?

GB: What do those notes in your lap say, Darling?

CW: They’re just general questions, something to jump-start the process. I think I might prefer to just let you talk.

GB: I don’t recommend listening for very long. Not unless…well, we should keep this – What is the expression? Safe for work?

CW (clearing throat): Yes. Well. Fine. So – how about this: Do you think your author portrayed you fairly?

GB: Should I have read your book?

CW: It would have been – I mean, don’t most people like to read about themselves?

GB: I should think I would feel compelled to correct your mistakes, and then where would we be? I should be saddled with another writer to look after, simply because I was vain and couldn’t pass up the opportunity to revel in myself? No, thank you. I’m busy.

CW: “Another writer.” Can we talk about Josephine Berendt?

GB: No.

CW: …

GB: I can wait far longer than you can, Darling. Please don’t test me.

CW: Fine. (riffling through notes) Ah, here we go: What was your childhood like?

GB: Next.

CW: Do you believe in God?

GB: Too complicated. Next.

CW: You’re not making this easy.

GB (smirking): You wanted an interview, Ms. Winters. You never told me you wanted “easy”.

CW: Yes, well, I’m beginning to rethink the whole damn thing.

GB: (more smirking)

CW: Stop being so amused. I’m not. Aha! What was it about dying for the first time that turned you from a drunk in a gutter into an ambitious, driven man of wealth and influence?

GB (shrugging): One needs something to do.

CW: You’re infuriating.

GB: Indeed. Some would call it my best feature.

CW: Stop smirking at me.

GB: As you wish. You are lovely when you’re exasperated, have you been told so?

CW: And, we’re done.

I’d like to thank Mr. Black for taking time out of his busy schedule to come annoy me and refuse to answer a single fucking question.

Next week, we’re back to recaps, Snowflakes!