SGRoA: Vampire Diaries, S1 E2: Night of the Comet

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Ugh, that title makes me think of Archive 80? 88? on Netflix, which was weird and amazing and cancelled after 1 season because Netflix. There was a whole thing about Haley’s Comet, it was so cool. Anyway, let’s get started!

We start with a Metric song, one that’s on my vampire playlists, too. Little different when it’s about Josephine, imo. A couple is camping in the woods, waiting to see the comet. He goes outside, she hears rain, obviously it’s his blood dripping down on the tent. Hey, Damon, maybe you wouldn’t have to kill so many people if you didn’t waste food!

Dear diary: Elena can sense change, and Stefan is *awake*. They’re both very hopeful and pinning their good moods on the other, which in no way is a good idea, in case you wondered. I mean, I know I have a lot of emotional advantages because of the alexithymia – I will never have an emotion and immediately think I should act on it, for example – but anyone can separate their overall mood from another person, and you should. Regulate your own selves, my loves. It’s actually much easier that way.

Aunt Jenna is off to Jeremy’s parent-teacher conference, which again, feels like a thing the writers wanted to happen, not an actual parent-teacher conference. For one thing, it’s still August! It would be back-to-school night, if anything. Meetings first thing in the morning on the maybe? second? week of school are trouble, Jenna. No wonder you’re asking Elena if you look adult enough.

Jeremy left early to visit Vicki in the hospital, but she’s asleep and it’s not visiting hours, so he’s led away by a very nice nurse, so you know she’s probably not in the profession anymore. America gets better by the day!

Stefan and Elena make eyes at each other while history teacher talks about the comet, and then that’s the end of class, and Elena borrows Stefan’s copy of Wuthering Heights, with the byline of Currer Bell. It must be like a first or second edition then, yes? and he says he’s read it several times…. Should anyone be touching this book? Is it even able to go, like, out? Should it be anywhere near a high school?!

I would just absolutely love to visit the planet where they grow tv writers, it must be so bizarre.

Bonnie is still going on about being descended from Salem witches, as if any of that were more than petty small-town power struggles. Caroline saw some hot guy while drunk… last night? The bonfire was LAST NIGHT? How the fuck is time working in this show? You have big drunken bonfires on school nights?

no! I have no idea!

Jeremy tries to start some shit with Tyler about Vicki, and threatens to kill him. Hope that comes up again later, but my hopes are very low.

Elena chats with Matt about Vicki, conveniently in a place Stefan can overhear, and apparently Vicki said she was attacked by a vampire? I missed that.

The history teacher also teaches Jeremy, and that’s who Aunt Jenna is meeting with, because Jeremy has missed 6 classes because he’s on drugs. How long has this school been in session?! Yesterday was the first day, but he’s missed 6 history classes? Days of classes?

Y’all, I know this seems like I’m nitpicking or being a bitch for no reason, but this is extremely basic shit that I find intensely confusing when I watch shows. All these disjointed scenes and weird time jumps I could overlook if they didn’t insist on contradicting themselves and setting up absolutely insane plot points that no human has ever experienced. Drunken teen bonfire on a school night? No one plans that, come on. School started yesterday, 6 classes gone? On what planet? School started yesterday, parent-teacher conference today? Why? I have a novel I haven’t released yet because I realized – after several rounds of edits and beta readings – that I had written about 7 weeks’ worth of plot for 3 weeks of book time. Now I have to go back and fix the timeline, which is an enormous pain in the ass, but I refuse to let a book go on sale when it’s confusing and poorly edited!

Shit like this – dumb shit, shit that no one thought to check because “why would it matter?” – is the easiest way to lose an audience, I guarantee. Or maybe not, maybe everyone is very stupid and doesn’t care, this damn thing went on for 8 seasons, but still. If you want to be GOOD at writing, don’t put in nine different time schemes and then wonder why people have no idea what’s going on in your story – or why they don’t seem to care much.

MOVING ON

Anyway. It seems like History is going to ask Jenna out? But then he just says that raising teenagers is “extremely impossible” and the fact she didn’t say that means she sucks at it.

I didn’t find it difficult at all, and impossible is self-limiting, like unique

Stefan now goes to visit Vicki, after overhearing “vampire”. Matt’s already there – wait, no, Stefan came before? and we have a weird flashback of him mojoing Vicki that it was an animal attack? And then she has some weird fit or PTSD flashback or something? And Stefan jumps out an open window? Welp. Don’t really know what any of that was about.

Bonnie’s grandma says the comet is a bad omen, and the last time it went over, there was a lot of death. But, Caroline reminds us, Grandma’s a drunk, so let’s talk about why Elena and Stefan haven’t fucked yet! I dunno, Caro, because it’s been one…day? Ok, no, I don’t feel comfortable with that assessment of time, so… because not everyone is a slut like you and me? But let’s be clear, here: I kind of love Caroline already. “What’s to think about? Boy and girl meet Boy and girl like each other. And then: sex!”

mmm, I love cake

Elena hops up and goes to… fuck Stefan, apparently.

Jenna picks up tacos for dinner and gives Jeremy half a lecture about weed, of all things, before she turns her back on him and he leaves the house.

Vicki is awake, feeling fine, saying she was attacked by an animal. We get more than 2 lines in this scene only because Jeremy shows up while Matt is still there! Vicki thinks that Matt is suspicious of Jeremy because of the hooking up, but no, it’s because she said vampire and then changed it to animal, duh.

Elena shows up at Stefan’s Craftsman-on-the-outside, French-Country-chateau-on-the-inside, and no one seems home, but oh noez! Corvid! Damon’s home. Ian Somerholder’s hair is absolutely awful in this scene, very distracting. Anyway, he tells Elena about Catherine, whose name is apparently spelled with a K, but not on this blog. We only make an exception to the proper spelling for Janeway. Stefan shows up and cuts that short, then stares hard at Damon for almost a full minute, despite Elena leaving the room.

No, wait, the house? Wasn’t she here to jump his bones? Why did she just leave? Oh, and Damon and Stefan get their 2 boring sentences about humans v. vampires in.

Oh, Elena tells Jenna that Stefan is “on the rebound and has family issues”. Is that why you left? Does that really affect the decision to fuck a guy you’ve known for 20 minutes, though? You weren’t there to propose?

Y’all, I’mma use up all the world’s question marks, damn. I just do not have a clue here.

Pictured: me, I guess?

I’ll say one thing for the ridiculous scene length: it does make the episodes go very fast. Vicki’s having dreams about Damon all vamped out, still in the hospital.

Bonnie and Elena have a weird “conversation” (5 sentences) about dating, and they literally sound like 40-year-olds. Oh, and they’re handing out flyers? for the comet festivities? the…same afternoon? Anyway, “at least I put myself out there!” says Elena.

Discount Rick Grimes asks if Elena’s worth it; no real answer from Stefan.

Vicki’s out of the hospital, asking Jeremy for drugs.

Everyone is in the town square or the green or whatever for the comet, and they’re all lighting candles like it’s an Easter service, while staring up at a mostly motionless, huge-ass comet. Looks like it’s in the atmosphere, huge. This one we’ll ignore, I understand it’s for story purposes.

Elena and Stefan make up after he apologizes “for yesterday”, so at least this isn’t the same day! They talk around Catherine, vaguely, the way everything happens to these people. Elena’s life is “too complicated to even think about dating”, but NOTHING IS HAPPENING, ELENA. NOTHING.

this is why I blow shit up in my stories

Damon is hiding inside the main restaurant set where Vicki is, for some reason. She says she knows him, he says that’s unfortunate, she goes to take her pill in the bathroom, Damon attacks her again.

Jeremy lets the Vicki cat out of the bag, so to speak, to Elena and Caroline and Tyler, who are now also in the… restaurant? which is now full of people? Whatever, they all go looking for Vicki, and Elena tells Jeremy again to get his shit together.

Matt asks Stefan if he’s seen Vicki, he says no, but he did see her at the hospital yesterday, and then Matt says he’s always looking out for Elena, which is a conversation that 1. makes sense, and 2. is totally how humans talk.

the writers are from France

Stefan hears Vicki and Damon, so he heads to where they are, on top of a building. Damon is trying to prove that Stefan can’t mojo if he’s not eating people, and Vicki says that Damon did it, but then Damon mojos her to say Stefan did it, rips off her bandage, and shoves her at Stefan. We’ve seen this fight a million times, right? It’s only good in Interview, when Claudia demands a caretaker from Louis, let’s be honest. Damon then mojos Vicki so none of that ever happened, and she just thinks it’s the painkillers.

Stefan goes back to the restaurant (so much back and forthing), where Matt thanks him for finding Vicki, and then Stefan asks Bonnie and Caroline where Elena is, but she’s gone home. Bonnie give him Elena’s number and email and tells him to text, but she touches him when she gives him the paper and has another non-visual vision. “What happened to you?” she says, frightened, but, like, clearly nothing! This whole show has been so far 84 minutes of ABSOLUTELY NOTHING HAPPENING.

Jenna is searching Jeremy’s room when Elena gets home. Everything she finds is pot. I – well, I’m from a legal state and I gently parented my kiddo, so I don’t understand any of this nonsense. Maybe get the kid… I dunno, uh… THERAPY?!

Jeremy sees Vicki and Tyler kissing.

Caroline gets attacked while wearing the world’s worst outfit. No wait, she just runs into Damon? They sure built it up to an attack, but then they just talked.

Despite seeing the comet earlier, Elena goes to Stefan’s and drags him into the yard to look at it again. She was just going to go home (she was home) and write things in her diary that she should be saying to him, so she does – and still starts “Dear Diary”? Anyway, they like each other, and Stefan has the mentality of a 15-year-old, so it’ll all be fine. They kiss.

Oh, Caroline took Damon home! And he bites during sex, and then the episode ends. Damon. My guy. Stop it. Honestly, I don’t have a lot of enforcement mechanisms in my vampire world, but I’d invent some just for him. Might invent some for him anyway, bump him off in the next Imperial Vampires joint if he doesn’t shape the fuck up, just so I can feel like someone punished him.

Until next week, Daimons!

SGRoA: VAMPIRE DIARIES, S1 E1: Pilot

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Yes yes yes, Snowflakes! Because I have Peacock for a while, and because I haven’t seen this show before, AND because it stars James Tiberius Kirk, apparently?!?!?!, I will be recapping Vampire Diaries, aka Pretty People Talking. Yes, you read that right: I’m a slut for Star Trek. Let’s get started!!!!

We are off to a great start, with a deep mist shrouding the forest and a voiceover about being alone for centuries. Lol. Look, man, if you don’t know how to make friends, fangs can’t do the work for you.

Two people driving through the forest, chatting about a… concert, I think? Guy sounded like James Blunt, we already have a James Blunt, they drove an hour each way! Of course they suddenly hit the fog, and then the guy standing on the road in the fog, just as we drive out of cell range. Of course it’s a vamp, and of course both these people die, and then we get a little title sting.

And the hits keep coming! Our main guy, who is the voiceover and the killer, I assume, is now talking about how he should never have come home… but he had to KNOW HER. Cut to a teenager writing “Dear Diary”, and we are in for a RIDE, my loves. This show is gonna suck, I hope in all the best ways.

The diary entry is all exposition: dead parents, depression that’s stopping TODAY, because it’s the first day of school. So these relationships are all going to be exceptionally age-appropriate, wonderful. She lives with a woman doing a Ph.D and a dude. There is no indication of who these people are in relation to her.

In the car on the way to school, the girl driving our girl (my god do I hope people get names soon) says her grandma says she’s psychic, because their relatives are from Salem. I’m glad I’m not doing any sort of substance game with these cliches, I’d be the first known marijuana fatality already.

MAIN GIRL’S NAME IS ELENA, thank you, damn. A bird or something hits the car, and Other Girl pulls over after a brief flirtation with losing control. She then tells us exactly what we just witnessed: “It was like a bird or something, it came out of nowhere.” Good to know I don’t actually have to, y’know, WATCH the show, they’ll recap it all for us! Also, this is right after OG gets on Elena for looking out the car window like she’s zoned out for the last hour or something, instead of enjoying the scenery while listening to a friend. But OG seems way too invested in car eye contact – you know, when neurotypicals have to be dangerous as fuck so they can carry on a conversation in a car? Such a deficit, they should get some ABA for that – so I guess Elena not drilling holes into the side of her face with her eyeballs is some sort of slight, I guess.

Anyway, the point of all that with the bird and whatever is just to establish once again that Elena’s parents died in a car crash, and maybe that she was in the car? That part is much less clear than the bird thing, so I know the writers really have their priorities straight.

Guy in black leather jacket over black hoodie with black sunglasses enters the high school. Do you think that’s him? Our vampire?!?!?!

Elena and OG are walking in, too, and OG wants to call someone the t-slur?! Damn, girl, wtf. Even back in the day that wasn’t acceptable, at least not in my circles. This is from 09, y’all. Not. Acceptable.

Elena waves at a guy in a letter sweater, but he doesn’t wave back. Ex, apparently. And gets concern-attacked by someone named Caroline.

Outside, the school drug dealer is giving pills to a girl, whose boyfriend walks up and makes some sad early 2000s references. Oh, the drug dealer is Elena’s younger brother.

Elena and OG walk by the office, where James T. is signing up for HIGH SCHOOL, which – okay, I’mma go on a tangent here.

Look, I get why it makes financial sense to have teenagers in your vampire stories. I do, I understand capitalism and how it fucks with art, I’m not a child, it’s fine. But. I am wildly uncomfortable with the romances that then must, by definition, exist in these stories. Like. A 30-year-old Josephine and a 600-year-old Grant is bad enough. You get around it with some character work and the understanding that 30 is usually considered grown enough to make bad choices (for fiction’s sake, at least). But these are LITERAL CHILDREN, and while I don’t think teens are incapable of good decisions, I do think they’re not capable of the kinds of complications that come with relationships with immortals. In short:

I also think that no vampire would go to high school. Ever. For any reason. Like, come the fuck on. Literally no one would go to high school if they didn’t have to.

Anyway, he mojos the secretary into thinking he has all his transcripts and whatevers, so he can go to high school, instead of just, like, lurking. You really wanna have homework and be expected to be in class, Jim? I don’t, and I’m very human and only 46, so, like, yeah. Tell me another, young adult vampire writers.

Elena runs into her brother and yells at him for being stoned on the first day of school. She’s gonna “ruin his buzz” every time, because she “knows he’s not this person”. I mean. Kid lost his parents, Elena. I’ve seen zero mention of therapy, so…? How exactly does one deal with trauma, then? Drugs seem a pretty good bet, and hey, he’s being entrepreneurial about them!

Every girl in school wants Kirk’s hot, non-teenage ass, but he only has eyes for Elena. We get to see them staring at each other in history class, and learn they’re from Virginia, so… am I gonna have to watch that video on confederate vampires that YouTube offered me for like two months straight? Bummer, I like my vamps European and unaccountable.

After school, Elena heads to the cemetery to hang out and offer us more diary entry voiceovers. She must have said she was fine like 100 times today, and that was hard. 🙁 (I’m not trying to be a bitch, it’s not Elena’s fault. She’s not dumb, she’s just written that way!)

A crow or raven (I can’t tell the difference, it’s a black Corvid) perches on a nearby gravestone and caws. Spooky! And then someone turns on the ground-level fog machines and she runs away, thinking she sees a figure in the fog, only to run into Kirk and accuse him of following her. Oh, his name is Stefan!

this ship has everything. transporters, holodecks, teenage vampire romance….

To be fair, he does say it STEFan, not stefAHN, so, you know. Of course she’s bleeding, and of course he vamps out, and it looks much better than previous makeup artists were able to do. Paler skin, better contacts, all in all, more realistic looking, so that’s good.

Oh, Stefan has a journal, too! Where he talks about being “unable” to resist her, because he tried so hard, huh? Just couldn’t stop himself from going to her town, going to the high school, finding the office, signing up for classes and mojoing the secretary. Just…unavoidable, really, such a shame he absolutely HAD to do all of that.

Miss Piggy looking irritated or angry

Lil Bro goes to a restaurant where his previous customer – Vicki – is working. She blows him off and delivers food to Elena’s ex, who’s her brother, and who’s eating with the guy who picked her up at school, Travis. Also, she apparently hooked up with Lil Bro – whose name is Jeremy – over the summer, and she’s broken it off, but he keeps harassing her. Fun!

Caroline has all the deets on Captain Kirk, which boil down to a lot of nothing.

Kirk shows up at Elena’s house to apologize for bailing on her earlier, and we get to know that she’s living with her Aunt Jenna. Kirk is also returning her diary, which she dropped at the cemetery. She grabs a jacket and invites him in, but he stays at the threshold, making me think “you don’t have to stay out there” 1. doesn’t count as an invitation and 2. he needs one to enter her home. (Such a bizarre piece of lore for a monster, honestly. I should look up some papers about it or something, because it’s never made sense to me.)

This is the part of the episode where we get nine million tiny scenes in a row, all with, like, half a piece of information. I can’t stand TV structure like this, it drives me crazy to constantly bat back and forth. I’m a viewer trying to understand a narrative, I’m not a pinball. So we had Lil Bro and Caroline, and Stefan at the door, and back to the restaurant where OG (whose name I still don’t know) is talking to Elena’s ex about getting back with Elena. His name is Matt, apparently, and now we’re on to Elena and Stefan walking in and Matt being introduced, and now everyone is sitting at one table. Like. We could have just put everyone in one place from the getgo, trust me.

you knew Trek gifs were coming

ANYWAY. We’re about halfway through! Some dude who looks like the Andrew Lincoln you get on Wish confronts Stefan about the couple killed in the open. Stefan says it was an animal attack, but Rick Grimes isn’t having any of that, thank you very much. He begs his Uncle Stefan to consider that people will remember him, and he’ll just stir things up. You know, for every long, useless closeup of an attractive person, we could just have dialogue that tells us things and lets people sound like people, not like a setup. But this is a pilot, so I suppose I should be nicer.

Data the android laughing on the bridge of the Enterprise-D

Stefan opens a cabinet of his old journals while a cover of “Running up that Hill” plays, his nephew’s denunciation still ringing in his ears. Such drama!!!!!!

In history the next day, only Stefan has the answers about the casualties of the civil war battle fought in Mystic Falls, their town. Stefan of course corrects the teacher. Real low profile there, guy.

Big bonfire that night (I assume, all of these scenes feel like they were written separately and then edited together, nothing happens because of something else, everything happens because that’s how you make hit TV, I guess.), and OG touches Elena, apparently has a vision, and instead of using the very visual medium of television to show it to us, she just tells Elena she saw a crow that was following her.

oh no, I’m being a bitch again

OMG, OG’s name is Bonnie! 24 minutes in! Anyway, she blames her non-visual vision on alcohol, and goes to get some more while Stefan takes Elena off to walk somewhere. Don’t worry, her brother clocks them leaving, she probably won’t die. They recap how they met for us, and then Elena takes like 4 seconds to tell how her parents died (and that she was in the backseat). Stefan tells her not to worry: she won’t be sad forever.

Oh, Vicki’s boyfriend was Tyler, not Travis, and of course he has to sexually assault her for them to break up. Maybe. She’s not interested in Lil Bro Jeremy, tho, either, even though he helped get Tyler off her.

Back to Elena and Stefan, Elena complaining about her ex, Stefan vamping out a little.

Then back to Vicki, because this…. Look, I know it’s supposed to build tension or something, but I’m pretty sure that only works when the people making the media are, like, talented and know what they’re doing, so, you know. She gets stabbed or something, I wasn’t paying a lot of attention because I was writing this paragraph, and also I don’t really care, because someone is going to tell me what happened to her as soon as this Twilight commercial is over.

Matt comes to bother Elena about breaking up with him and moving on, another 2 lines before he’s gone and Caroline is hitting on Stefan for 2 lines and then Elena is talking shit about Caroline to Stefan and then Elena goes after Jeremy and they find Vicki, who is alive still but has a neck wound that makes Stefan run for home. Where a crow shows up, just before Ian Somerholder shows up to complain about the 90s and grunge.

And even they only get like 4 lines before we’re back at the party, Vicki being loaded into an ambulance. Let people talk! Damn! Everyone is still standing around at the underage drinkfest, for some reason, and Bonnie tells Elena that even though she’s not really psychic, she has a feeling this is only the beginning.

Then back to Stefan and Damon (not a Ferengi, unfortunately), where we learn that Stefan eats animals and Damon doesn’t think that’s the stuff, but, like, HOW do you get away with killing these days?! Dude. No. Figure your shit out, because you are putting so many people at risk for your macho nonsense. Anyway, they fight about it, and about Elena, and they’re throwing each other out windows and shit and like, again, no. You do not have breaking windows on the regular money, my guy, I can guarantee that.

We also learn that they have magic rings that let them be in the sun, and what have I done to myself? Taken in by James T’s cute little face and his lovely chemistry with La’an Noonien Singh and I got caught up. Shaking my head at myself. The things I do to entertain… well, let’s be honest, myself, at this point. I’m not sure y’all are out there.

Elena and Jeremy get a little scene where she disapproves of his drinking at the party, though she did the same. And then Bonnie and Caroline, where Caroline laments that no one she likes likes her back, and then Matt watching over Vicki in the hospital. Lotta siblings hanging out together, is that a thing that happens? Mine were all much younger than me, we were never in the same school, but my brothers also never hung out together, and they were all two years apart.

Home stretch, y’all, and I can compliment the music, which is excellent but a little much for teens with fangs, if you ask me.

We do a voiceover wrapup, writing in our little journals, and apparently Elena looks like Catherine, from THE PAST, so we’re hitting all the beats here. Yay? Stefan shows up at Elena’s, and she finally invites him in for reals. (We’ll ignore that there’s no fucking way Virginia is cold outside during August, when schools start. Just be glad he got his little invite.)

Well! That is definitely one of the shows of all time! This is gonna be a fun – *checks how many seasons there are* – THREE YEARS?!

SGRoA: Blood Ties, S1 E22: Deep Dark

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Ooh, does the whole episode take place at 8pm, the deep, dark, dead of night? I kid, I kid. Let’s finish this!

A psychic shuffles her tarot cards and tells Coreen that she knew she would return. Coreen points out they have a weekly appointment. Ah, but she would return with a specific problem, and Coreen says she did – only it’s Vicki’s dumbass love triangle. Coreen, you’re too nice.

Vicki is on the phone with her abusive mother, who’s being abusive. Lovely. We cut back to the psychic, channeling something that says it wants to help Vicki, too, but her protections are too strong. So instead of being like, hey, demon, GTFO, Coreen takes the psychic’s hands and gets possessed – and Vicki’s tattoos burn as she drops the phone.

Cut to the theme song!

Vicki tries to get hold of Coreen, but she won’t return calls. Vicki goes through her datebook and finds the psychic’s card, so heads over there. Psychic says yes, Coreen was there. Vicki asks what else she had planned for the day, and the psychic says “everyone should be hearing about it shortly.” Vicki asks if there’s some joke she’s not in on, and the psychic says she should have gone to the demon willingly. Vicki hauls her up against the wall, but she doesn’t know where possessed Coreen went, just that she got in a cab, and the psychic is now awaiting her reward. Vicki punches her out: “Consider that your first installment.”

We’re off to a good start, here, and I’m guessing the demon is Astaroth, who gave Vicki the tats in the first place. Poor Coreen, though. She doesn’t deserve possession.

Cellucci’s mother sucks cocks in hell?

Coreen goes to a strip club, immediately chokes the bouncer. There’s like 4 people in there, since it’s the middle of the day, and the stripper is wearing devil horns, which is cute, but also, like, full-on pants, which seems a little weird for a stripper.

Vicki goes to Henry, and it’s apparently taken her four hours to do so? because she tells him that Astaroth has had Coreen for the last four hours. Time on this show is so bizarre. They don’t know where to begin to find her, except that the psychic said everyone would hear about it –

So Vicki calls dispatch, gives Kate’s badge number (!!!!), and asks if there have been any reported disturbances involving a Goth young woman. Henry teases her about using Kate’s badge, and Vicki says, “Please. She’s too busy primping and preening herself in front of Mike to notice.”

I don’t even know where to begin with this one, my god. I guess we end the series where we began: Vicki’s a bitch! ACAB! All the hits!

Anyway, there was a disturbance at Club Vinyl, so off they go.

Mike, meanwhile, is on a kidnapping task force. Hannah Tang, daughter of a Chinese telecom owner, was abducted that morning at her home. Probably Asian gang related, and during the briefing, Mike’s phone is blowing up – from Vicki, obviously. Mike’s pissed, because Crowley kicks him out of the briefing, and refuses her plea for help. Vicki says if he doesn’t help, if cops get there first, someone will die. Mike reluctantly agrees to help after Vicki says it’s Astaroth.

Coreen is kissing the dancers on stage; the club patrons seem to think it’s just a little performative lesbianism and are super down. But Coreen isn’t enjoying this; her face is contemptuous, sneering, hateful. She kicks the other girls off and starts spinning on the pole; security is trying to remove her. Cops show up just before Vicki and Henry, and Astaroth tazes them so she can fight Vicki and Henry instead. She immediately throws Vicki off, but Henry is able to knock her out with Mike helping by distraction.

They take Coreen to Henry’s and cuff her to his bed. I assume we’re doing some sort of exorcism. Astaroth wakes up and tells them it’s not about what he wants; it’s about what Vicki wants.

Henry and Vicki head out to find a priest, leaving Mike to watch Coreen. But Mike very rightly points out that he’s probably going to get fired, maybe already is, for walking out on the task force. Vicki doesn’t care, it’ll only be five minutes, thanks, Mike! and walks out the door.

She and Henry head to a soup kitchen, which to an American lapsed Catholic doesn’t seem like a place to find a priest, let alone an exorcist priest, but maybe Canadian clergy are more into the actual helping of people, and not just the status afforded by a collar. They have a brief discussion about Henry moving; he talks about Toronto as being something he wants that isn’t good for him, and we all know he really means Vicki.

Father Cascioli says it’s been a long time; Henry quips that if he does more midnight masses, Henry will show up more.

not pictured: Father Cascioli

The good father says he can’t help them. Something happened last time he did an exorcism, but this guy is, like, 35 tops. He absolutely would not be an exorcist in the Catholic Church, tell you what. Henry and Vicki guilt him, and obviously they’ll get their way: it’s their show.

Astaroth is giving Cellucci shit about coming in second to Henry, but, like, it’s a demon. He’ll just pick anything that can hurt you. He moves on to Mike’s dad, then offers powers to help Mike solve crimes – and hits on the abductee. Astaroth shows him some vague images, and Mike demands to know where she is. Astaroth says nothing’s free: won’t Mike prop up Coreen’s head so they can be more comfortable?

Before Mike can do so – and obviously get attacked or whatever – Henry, Vicki, and Cascioli come in. Exorcism! Let’s begin. Exorcism! Look out sin!

apologies to Mr. Brooks

Lololololol, no one did any research. Guy’s wearing a red stole and says “Holy Ghost”. Midnight Mass this definitely is not. You can buy a Roman Rite on Amazon for, like, $30, too, so they could have bothered, but then it probably wouldn’t be a Blood Ties episode. He says like two lines, and then they just let Astaroth talk.

Turns out, he took out Coreen’s heart. She’s dying, but that also explains where she was for four hours when Vicki was dicking around. Vicki runs off to find the heart, and Astaroth is left to poke Cascioli about the last exorcism and offers Henry sunlight and blah blah. We all know how TV does exorcisms, right?

Mike has gone back to the precinct, and is immediately suspended pending formal dismissal. He hands over his badge and his gun while Dave and Kate watch, and Vicki is waiting outside. She apologizes to him, but of course he’s not having it. She says there’ll be a hearing, and he suggests a vampire character witness or Coreen shooting blood from her eyeballs, that’ll help!

But what really pisses him off, he says, is that he spent a year trying to get over her, and a year trying to get back with her, but Vicki can’t trust anyone. Mike knows it’s not Henry he’s fighting: it’s Vicki, it’s all Vicki, it’s always just Vicki.

Vicki says she can’t be with anyone because of Astaroth, but come the fuck on. “How do you make plans with something like this hanging over your head?” I don’t know how to tell you this, Vicki, but people just live their lives. People are still having kids, getting jobs, falling in love. The planet’s on fire and everyone wants to be a fascist, but we still have to live! Joy and love are the only things to strive for when everything sucks!

Coreen gets to come out for a bit and apologizes to Vicki for getting her involved, but Vicki was already involved.

Mike and Henry are interviewing the cab driver. He took Coreen for Indian food, she kept talking about demons and vampires, she was in the bus station for an hour or so. She came out looking down, said she had man trouble – she’d lost her heart.

Back at Henry’s, Vicki asks Astaroth why she’s so important to him He needs her to open a doorway for him, so he can be fully in the world, and she has the strength he needs. He casts some shade on God (well-deserved, honestly), and offers Vicki power, and her sight back, obviously. Oh, the priest is still here? He stops Astaroth from offering Vicki more, but, like, what else is he doing? Why is he hanging around? They can’t exorcise Coreen because of the heart thing – shouldn’t someone just be chilling in some headphones, not listening, just guarding?

Bah, after 21 episodes, you’d think I’d know better than to expect logic!

Mike asks Henry to mojo him so he can figure out where the abducted girl is. Henry does; Mike realizes it’s a crypt, not a cell as he thought. He calls Kate, but she dismisses him – and then of course looks up the name he gave her, along with birth and death dates.

Astaroth is taunting Cascioli. Vicki asks if he’ll be able to finish this, and he tells her never to doubt him.

In the home 10-minute stretch! Mike and Henry try locker 666 at the bus station, and bingo bango bongo: Coreen’s beating heart.

Vicki drops it back in with what the captions tell me is a “growly-squishy sound”, Cascioli continues the exorcism, and Astaroth goes into him, instead, leaving Coreen dead. He stabs Henry with a big ass sword, knocks Mike out, then tells Vicki her tats can save Coreen or send him to hell, but not both.

So she saves Coreen, because this is television. Oh, she tries to send him to hell, but he gets away, saying he’ll see her soon. They un-impale Henry, and Coreen seems perfectly fine, and Mike – left, I guess? No one seems terribly concerned that a demon is running around in a priest’s body except Henry, who is convinced that Vicki will turn to black magics now. He wants her to go with him, but, like, whyyyyyyyyyyy?!?!?! She’s so awful! She makes you worse, Henry!

Oh, here’s Mike. The abductee was where the demon said, day saved, apparently. Henry again says not to trust demons. Mike kisses Vicki and leaves, telling her that Astaroth is her problem now, leave him out of it.

Vicki wants to go after him, and Henry tells her not to, but she says she has to try to “make it right”, and Henry’s all, sure, great, “so be it”, and leaves as well.

End credits.

Well. That was… definitely one of the vampire shows of all time! I’m not at all disappointed that Vicki’s alone and unhappy: all of her decisions led to that. I’m disappointed but not surprised that she let Astaroth get away; people in movies and TV are always making very bad choices to save their loved ones, I guess it’s a typical thing? No one can save the world without also saving every friend they’ve ever had, but, like, life has consequences, sometimes people die. Letting the world burn so you can get yours is – well. How we got here as a society, so, yeah. My least-favorite trope, in fiction or in life.

I would highly recommend the books this series is based on, by P. N. Elrod. They are excellent, actually well-written, and worth looking into, especially if you like any of these episodes.

I’ll be back in the new year with a new series. Please do leave a comment or catch up with me on my socials if you have any ideas of what I should do next!

Happy Holidays, see you in 2024!

SGRoA: Blood Ties: S1 E21: We’ll Meet Again

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I mean, I certainly hope not, but this is our penultimate episode, so I understand the sentiment. Let’s go!

Vicki’s trying to close up for the night when Coreen brings in a walk-in client. His name is Lee, and he hears Vicki takes weird cases. Sure, she says, and because he looks all of 16, asks if Mr. Wilson stole his ball.

it’s an older reference, but it checks out

No, says Lee: “you have to help me find my wife.”

After our opening credits (which I just learned have a RAP VERSE, it plays over the closing credits), Vicki asks if they’ve been together long, or if it was “a whirlwind schoolyard romance”. Lee says 400 years, a dozen lifetimes, and I assumed he’s a vampire, but no. Coreen says they’re reincarnated, and I guess that’s what we’re going with.

Everyone heads off to Henry’s – Vicki calls him “a historical consultant”, because of course Henry should be involved. Sincerely. He’s had the most experience with weird shit. Anyway, Lee admires his art and starts talking some 1920s slang, which Henry parries nicely. Henry decides Lee is telling the truth, so they should take his case: that is, find whoever his wife has reincarnated as in this lifetime.

He starts taking them through his history. First time they got together, he was “a mohawk guy and she was a preacher’s daughter”. Like, in the 80s? asks Coreen, and yes: 1682! So he was a Mohawk, not a punk, lol. This episode so far is very charming, I’m having fun.

They stole a canoe and drowned, but at least they were together. They met at a tree, and I guess I’m supposed to assume they always meet at the tree, but he doesn’t actually say that till the next scene, where they’re all four looking for the tree. Only it’s gone: victim to a shopping mall. Vicki quips about “urban sprawl”, and I won’t bore y’all with it, but I’m super into urbanism and city planning, so, Vicki, you have no idea, trust. (Watch CityNerd on YouTube or nebula, he’s excellent.)

Henry leaves to get dinner, because despite the fact it looks like it’s maybe 10pm, he’s “running out of night”. He tells Lee to trust Vicki, and Lee says he does, and also he needs a place to crash. Coreen offers the office couch, and everyone disbands for the evening. Oh, excuse me, the deep, dark, dead of night.

Down at the precinct, Captain Lady (I forgot her name again, she hasn’t been in an episode since single digits, I think) tells Cellucci it’s time for his performance review. He’s immediately defensive: he’s up to date on paperwork! He’s maximizing his downtime! Closes come in cycles, he’ll be solving cases again soon!

Captain is having none of it. This cycle has Vicki Nelson all over it. If Mike isn’t careful, he’ll be following Vicki into the dark. Review is tomorrow.

patrick stewart making a "yikes" face
Mike’s face rn

Back at the office, Lee is talking more about his past lives. They’re all jumbled, he can’t necessarily pinpoint who he was last time. He’s seeing a car wreck, a red VW, and Alice, his girl. He thinks his name was John? They always die together, and are born as the next babies. Sometimes they have years together, sometimes only hours. Vicki doesn’t find it romantic, but Coreen is completely starry-eyed. Have to say, I’m with Coreen.

Lee describes his wife – tone deaf, hates cats – and Vicki calls Cellucci to start finding her. But, like, why not start with birth records?! They die together, they’re born close enough to Toronto to always go to that tree – why are we going straight to Cellucci? Who, by the way, pretends Vicki is his uncle when he answers the phone, because Captain Crowley (! thanks, Vick!) is still around. She’s asking for an accident report instead, which…. fine, okay, it’s maybe the last bad episode I have to watch, let’s just roll with it.

not at all harsh, Tai

Some guy in a dark alley throws a knife at Henry, which he catches, and HOLY SHIT YOU GUYS YOU GUYS IT’S BLU MANKUMA!!!!!!!!

Captain Joe Reese himself! Do you think he ever talks about Nick? Wait, he didn’t know Nick was a vampire, did he? How incestuous is the Canadian acting scene?!

Holy crapballs, this is Augustus? Apparently Henry wants to move on, and Augustus Reese is going to help him do that. They set a meeting for the next night at Henry’s place.

The accident report works out for Vicki and Lee. They find Lee’s brother through it – or, well, John’s brother. The accident was 25 years ago, with only one fatality. They go ask the brother about it, and turns out, Lee was in a coma, and it took the brother 10 years to pull the plug. Lee is incensed and yells at the guy that he should have let him go immediately, and of course the brother slams the door on them.

Still no birth records talk.

Cellucci left the accident report with Mohadevan, so Vicki stops in there to read it. Two paramedics got into a fight at the scene, and Alice was apparently a hemophiliac? Which Mohadevan says is very rare in women, but she gets regular emails from the Hemophilia Society, so she knows how many there are in the city, somehow. Just three, so it’s handy that they just sort of… list people’s medical problems in email blasts, I guess?

Me, watching right now.

Vicki and Lee head off to the one woman in the right age range, Helen. Lee knows her at the door, and she certainly seems to know him back, but what’s this? A husband?!?!?! Like, yeah, guy, she’s 25, not 15. Y’all are out of sync. She lies to her husband and says she doesn’t know Lee, and Vicki hustles him out. He fights the whole way, unable to control his emotions.

Vicki asks Henry to talk Lee out of pursuing Helen. Henry refuses, and Vicki’s objections are pretty lame, honestly. She’s 10 years older! She’s married! So tell him to wait a bit, but Helen clearly knew him on that doorstep, and now she’s going to have to make some decisions, but come on, Vicki. Henry tells her she doesn’t understand her client, and that’s true: she’s fighting against belief in him, which isn’t going to help.

So she… gets Helen’s library records?! WTF. How can she even do that? Canada, do y’all have just absolutely zero privacy laws? A little medical record here, a list of library books there… Like, listen, I know America’s a total shithole, but at least Vicki can’t find all the incredibly shitty books I’ve taken out of the library over the years. Damn.

Anyway, Helen has taken out a bunch of books about reincarnation, most of them repeatedly over the last few years. Vicki also has some sort of alert up, because her computer chimes and we find out that a) it’s the month of the anniversary of the car accident, and b) someone sent flowers to the grave of John Smith, aka Lee. But we never get to learn who’s sent the flowers, so I don’t know what this is doing here.

Then there’s a very weird scene of Lee watching Helen’s husband eat a sandwich on a bench. Husband looks up, sees Lee, then Lee disappears when a bus passes, and Husband throws away the sandwich and leaves.

again, me watching rn

Vicki goes back to John’s/Lee’s brother Jeff, and asks if he knows Helen. He says yes, she came to see him when she was a teenager, and knew things about Alice that she couldn’t have known. He says he once went to see Alice while she was alive and he hit on her, and then Helen told him to forgive himself, because Alice had forgiven him. A pause, then he tells Vicki that she dredges up terrible memories every time she comes, so please leave him alone. Vicki quips back “That’s what my mom says every time I go home for the holidays” and wtf, Vicki, don’t just trauma dump on this stranger! And also, wtf, Vicki, cut your bitch mom off then!

So Vicki calls Coreen and says Helen is a liar, which – yes? Did you see her face on that porch? Were you even there, because I was, and obviously she was lying about knowing him, wtf. Her husband was standing next to her! She can’t just break his heart for something she thought she imagined a decade ago! Jesus, the position you all have put her in, the doubts she’s having, the doubts she had ten years ago… This woman is being tortured, she doesn’t deserve bitch Vicki calling her a liar. Fuck’s sake.

Anyway, Coreen and Vicki head to Helen’s, and Lee is already there, on the lawn, listing all the times they’ve found each other. Vicki’s being a bitch about it, but Helen opens the door and comes out to Lee. She asks why he couldn’t stay away, and kisses him, then tells him it’s too late and sends him away. Coreen goes after him, Vicki stays with Helen – only then they’re both in Vicki’s office, for whatever reasons.

Helen’s pregnant, yikes. No wonder she can’t entertain Lee. She and Vicki have one of those weird conversations about love that’s supposed to reveal something about Vicki, but this episode is clearly written by neurotypicals, so I don’t really understand what’s happening here, sorry. Helen loves her husband, obviously. She also loves Lee, and she will forever, apparently, but this is her first chance at having a baby because of the hemophilia and their timing is ruined and it always ended in tragedy, so…. And all of that I get, but I’m not sure why it’s here, or why we’re in Vicki’s office, or why we have to listen to her deal with her own (incredibly stupid) love triangle.

Maybe I just really hate Vicki, Henry, and Mike. Probably more likely.

Henry and Lee are doing much the same.

Apparently Lee is in Letterkenny, and Helen was on Battlestar Galactica, so that’s a fun fact! Two fun facts!

Vicki busts in on the boys’ night and tells Lee to move on, to learn from his mistakes and move on! So Lee just leaves, and then Henry kicks Vicki out for not believing in happily ever after. And then he pulls the trigger with Augustus, so I guess it’s bye-bye Henry.

We are only halfway through this episode, my god. At least Lee is charming, and Joe Reese was here.

Lee runs into Helen’s husband, who… starts physically fighting him? Pushing him, shoving, telling A 15-YEAR-OLD BOY to stay away from Helen or he’ll regret it. AND THEN ACTUALLY STARTS A FIGHT. With a child!

I – uh – I don’t have anything to say, here. What is this plot?! Helen was just telling us how wonderful this guy is, and he’s starting fights? WITH CHILDREN?!

Lee almost kills the guy, and Vicki and Mike have to fight at the crime scene about it. She tells him about the case, and Captain Crowley walks up to yell at them both and threaten Vicki with jail time for obstruction.

Honestly? Crowley’s right! Mike is throwing away his career to help Vicki, Vicki is obstructing cases! Like, I get it, vampires and gods and past lives and witches and shit, but holy crabcakes, stop meddling! Stop using police resources for your own ends! Stop thinking you can do whatever you want because you used to be a cop, Vicki!

even when they’re not cops anymore

Joe Reese – excuse me, Augustus – is at Henry’s, complaining about the wine Henry serves him. He seems much more relaxed in this new job, good for him. This is actually interesting lore, too: Augustus asks Henry a bunch of questions about what he’s looking for, what the territory he’s giving up is like, stuff like that. I love some good procedures and rules of operations, y’all know that.

Augustus’ family has been keeping the peace between vampires for 4 generations! No wonder he went undercover as a police captain! Gotta keep Nick Knight in check, or he’ll be worse than these jabronis.

Lee stops by the office to thank Coreen, then steal her wallet. Jeff offers him a car, and they reconcile before Lee flees.

Oh, good, last 10 minutes, thank the fates. Vicki calls Mike to tell him that Lee might kidnap Helen, and to look up his old acquaintances from 40 years ago. She also tells him that Lee is dangerous – “He’s been a soldier, a trapper, a thief, a tracker” – and all I can think of is Sinatra. Mike calls the car at Helen’s, but no answer, so obviously we’re all converging on Helen’s.

Lee hustles her out the door, despite her saying she doesn’t want to. He ties her to a tree, seems to be killing them both to restart the cycle? She defends her “kind” husband to him, but again, STARTED A FIGHT WITH A CHILD, and Lee is unfazed.

Vicki and Mike arrive at the house roughly together, and Mike tells Vicki to scram before the other cops show up and they both get in trouble. Vicki goes to Henry, runs into Augustus on his way out, but Henry offers to help because kidnapping is a bridge too far.

Helen is trying to talk Lee out of it. She’s tired, it always ends badly. Lee has a gun on her when Henry and Vicki show up, and Vicki spills the pregnancy news. Everyone’s trying to talk him out of it, but isn’t Henry fast enough to disarm him? It’s a gun, not a stake, what is Henry doing?! Why is he even here?

Next scene, Lee is in the box with Cellucci, because apparently he just gave up? Excellent writing, thanks, love it.

Lee takes a plea, Mike calls the office and tells Coreen, but doesn’t want to talk to Vicki. Vicki also tells Coreen that Henry’s moving on, and we end on a shot of Vicki, staring out at the rain.

Only one more to go!

SGRoA: Blood Ties, S1 E20: The Good, The Bad, And The Ugly

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this episode will surely be two of those!

Happy Thanksgiving! Thought I’d take a week off, didn’t ya, but nope! I like a schedule, even on Turkey Day – or a week earlier, when I’m actually writing this one. There will be an episode next week, too, no worries, I’ll just write it on Wednesday or something. Let’s get started!

We open on a prison visiting room, a man (identified in captions as Charles) in the orange jumpsuit and shackles. He’s asked Vicki to come see him, the “Head Hunter”, to discuss his case. Vicki says she’s not a cop anymore, but he knows. He saw her ad: “No case too strange.” He confessed to killing and beheading a girl, but he says he didn’t do it.

Because he’s a psychic who couldn’t tell what was real, and what was a vision. His “inner voice” stopped when he went to prison, but now it’s back, and it’s picked another victim.

Cut to a car, a pair of gloved hands, a handkerchief, chloroform. Pan up to the street, the driveway – the schoolgirl trying to open the gate, and being snatched.

two good eps in a row?!?!

This opening fuckin SLAPS. We might have the elusive two good episodes in a row! But I’m getting ahead of myself, here, let’s calm down and rejoin Vicki and Charles at the prison.

He doesn’t know the actual victim. She’ll be pretty, she’ll be young, and it hasn’t happened yet, but it’s coming soon.

Mike doesn’t buy a bit of it. “He knew who to pick, didn’t he?” he sneers, watching the video of Vicki’s interview with Charles. It’s rambling, it’s incoherent, maybe he’s working with an accomplice on the outside to do murders together, to make him look innocent! Vicki says she stills has her notes from the original case, they can pull the files and look them over, but Mike refuses. He’s done with this magic bullshit, and Vicki isn’t a cop anymore, and no, he’s not going to waste his time looking into murders that haven’t happened. Vicki protests that magic is real, Mike’s experienced it, but he doesn’t care. He’s done.

mike out!

So Vicki digs into her notes with Coreen, and gets her very own Flashback Time! She and Mike are flirting, and Charles walks in. They tell him they have questions: his van was parked near the scene of a crime. Charles says, “So I was there,” and goes on to reveal that the girl was beheaded with a sickle, so he must be who they’re looking for. Even in Vicki’s memory, Charles seems unsure of these facts, unsure of a lot of things. Doesn’t bode well.

Henry asks after Vicki and Coreen’s health: have they been having dizzy spells, migraines, blackouts, perhaps a pervasive sense of dread? Weird dreams or visions? “No more than normal, ” says Coreen, but of course Vicki’s mean about it.

Henry’s worried about the ritual from last episode, which is probably valid, and Vicki goes on to say that no, her tattoos haven’t been up to anything, either, but if Henry insists on sitting demon watch, he should at least help with the case. So they go to check out a wooded area near “the bridle path”, which I assume is a Toronto thing. It was repeated in Charles’s confessions and in Vicki’s notes.

But when they arrive, Mike is already there with a whole ass crime scene team: looks like someone struck again.

Mike’s pissed that Vicki has shown up, and he refuses to tell her anything. Except this: there are enough differences that Mike thinks the copycat theory is the correct one. Aside from that? Vicki needs to stay on her side of the crime scene tape.

Luckily for Vicki, she brought a vampire. Henry slips past everyone and takes a gander at the body: headless, female. Exactly what they thought.

Y’all. We are only 10 minutes into this episode. So much has happened! So many actual facts and so much real information in the dialogue!! A useful flashback!!! Where has this show been all season? Why were there so many horrible episodes to slog through?! I’m so shocked that this turns out to be good, not bad and ugly. Well, I guess if you count Vicki’s crispy-ass split ends, it’s good and ugly, so there’s that. Sorry to ruin the momentum, I’m just so surprised. It was definitely a suck week after last time’s delightful Danny Trejo surprise, and I’m just so delighted to be so invested.

Mike and Vicki start fighting in Mohadevan’s lab, and she rightly tells them to fuck off somewhere else with that nonsense – though, she did get the chance to say that aside from some hesitation marks on the first body, the crimes are strikingly similar.

Flashback Time! Charles’s confession. He says that “something” told him to slit the girl’s throat, and Mike offers that it was like a voice in his head, and Charles is startled, because it’s that exactly. Vicki pulls Mike out and wants to know why he’s handing their perp an insanity plea?

Mike has doubts about his guilt! No blood in the van, no physical evidence, and this guy’s details are, well, not terribly detailed, are they? Holy crap, this episode is so fuckin tight, I’m honestly impressed.

No wonder Mike’s leaning so hard on the copycat theory. He hates all the magic shit, but he knows it’s real, and now that’s bumping up against his wish to just be a decent detective. He might have put the wrong guy away, and he had doubts at the time – was he right to doubt then? Was he attuned to the supernatural even before he knew it? What an unthinkable encroachment on Mike’s “real” world. But even if the guy didn’t do it, there’s no framework for that in Mike’s cop world, so literally the only way for Mike to be a “good cop” in the “real world” is for Charles to be guilty and this new one be a copycat. Otherwise, he has to capitulate to witches and demons and vampires – and worst of all, to Vicki.

Mike calls the prison: Charles has had one visitor (besides Vicki), his brother, 3 years ago. Kate thinks it would be quite a feat for the brother and Chuck to wait three years to do a copycat, but Mike points out that patience makes people forget, get complacent, be surprised. Still, she’s going to look into old cellmates, people Charles hangs with in prison.

They go to see the brother, Kelly, who is a janitor at a closed hospital, which sounds like an amazing job, honestly, so it probably doesn’t exist, even though it makes sense to me to keep the building in good repair, so the state can sell it or use it again. Mike thinks the government paying for janitorial at an abandoned place is silly, but I get it, I dig it, I’d move to Canada for that job. Just saying.

Kelly is wildly off-putting, at least to me. Maybe just because it’s a story, and I know how they work, and my money is on Kelly being the murderer and him and Charles having some brother psychic bond thing. Mike and Kate tell him why they’re there, and Kelly says it’s horrible, but he wouldn’t know who Charles is associated with these days. Mike asks about childhood, and Kelly says Charles was always the rational one, able to find balance in any situation, except with their psychiatrist mother.

Kelly makes a crack about the cobbler’s children, but says he thinks the past is the past, even if Charles couldn’t forgive her.

Vicki goes back to visit Charles again, to ask about a copycat, and he has a psychic attack or flash or whatever. “Tell Cellucci he’s on the right track,” he says. Interesting: Cellucci is, in fact, off to talk to Kelly and Charles’s mother.

Back at the office, Vicki complains about Charles’s vision, and Henry asks if it would be such a bad thing if Mike found the killer. They should ask him what he’s learned. Vicki says Mike isn’t speaking to her, and Henry says he’ll try: they seem to have more and more in common every day. Vicki turns around to fight about it, proving him right, but he’s already gone.

Rebecca Perkins – oh, hey, murderous family named Perkins, nice touch! – Dr of Psychiatry, worked several high profile cases for the department in the 80s, and has a record. Stealing prescription meds. Lost her license, but no jail time. Currently working as an unlicensed counselor out of her home. They’re going to look her up in the morning.

Henry shows up to mojo Cellucci, and apparently it works, because Vicki and Henry show up at Rebecca’s house in the next scene. Her power is off, seems weird. Oh, wait, it’s the house she raised the kids in? There’s a height chart on the wall, tracking Charles, Kelly, and Sydney, the youngest kid. Who was like, over 6 feet at age 13? Huh, maybe I’m walking back my Kelly theory. Let’s see where Sydney takes us.

They find her office, and Vicki says that Rebecca lost her license, so she must be practicing in a “more grass-roots manner”, so this is her current house? Weird. But it gets weirder: she has files on all of her kids, because she was running experiments on them.

Gave Sydney a ketamine/cocaine cocktail. Gave Kelly progesterone. Gave Charles antidepressants. Before they can learn much more, they hear a noise in the attic. It’s Rebecca Perkins, in a rocking chair, back to the door – and her (?) head falls off.

Obviously they call the cops, and Mike is absolutely incensed that Henry mojo’d him. Vicki tells him they can fight about that after there’s an APB out on Sydney Perkins. Mike tosses her off the crime scene. She’s not getting anything from him.

So she sends Coreen, who loves the undercover stuff. The body was, indeed, Rebecca, but the head was that of the first victim. Turns out Sydney went to school with her, so now we have a link to at least the first murder.

While Coreen was out, Vicki’s been looking through Rebecca’s research. She was trying to control childhood aggression, and divided her kids into id, ego, and superego, then turned them into those, then tried to, like, turn it back? Sydney’s the id, Charles seems ego, and Kelly’s fussy cleaning an empty place is superego. Rebecca created the monster, and therefore is the monster herself.

Vicki goes back to see Charles to give us some exposition about Freud, and to say that she thinks the experiment created a psychic bond between the three brothers. Charles hates this theory, and also refuses to trade his freedom for Sydney’s. Seems like a bad choice, Chuck.

Back at the office , Vicki and Coreen are trying to figure Sydney’s motive. Henry pops in to ask why it matters, and Vicki says it will help her find Sydney and get Charles out of jail. But Henry points out that the brothers were treated like 3 parts of one person – if part of that person killed, and another part knew, then they’re both guilty. Charles is where he belongs.

They also fight about Vicki using dark magic. Vicki scoffs that Henry is trying to protect her from herself, and he says he can’t do that, no, and flounces. For once, I’m sort of with Henry on this one? Vicki should have trusted him more, and should have let him fight his own battle. She’s mad at Henry for protecting her, when she ran roughshod over him for exactly the same purpose.

Coreen offers to listen, if Vicki wants to talk, but no. Vicki wants to read Charles’s confession again, and give us another Flashback Time.

Charles asks Mike if the confession is “good”, and Mike says, with some reluctance or disbelief? that Charles “did very well”. Vicki points out there’s no motive, and Charles can’t even look at her when he says “just cuz.” Vicki accuses him of lying, but he screams that the girl “created awful urges in me”. She had to die.

Back in the present, Coreen says it sounds like he has issues. Vicki agrees, all those boys have issues… and in an epiphany, says none of them acted alone, probably not in any of the murders.

She heads off to the precinct to tell Mike, who’s pissed and tries to throw her out. She says she has to tell him about Sydney and Kelly pops around the corner to be all, “you found him?” Vicki pulls Mike aside and he tells her they have the weapon, it has Sydney’s prints on it, all they need is to find him. She says no, Sydney’s not working alone, Kelly’s in on it.

Mike is having none of it. Kelly’s alibi is airtight, his phone records are clean, he hasn’t talked to Sydney. Psychic bonds don’t exist, Rebecca wasn’t a mad scientist, Sydney Perkins is the sole person responsible. Vicki gives up.

Well, gives up on Mike. She goes back to the empty hospital to check up on Kelly. She finds everything she could be looking for: a head in a box, Sydney’s body, and of course, Kelly, armed with a sickle, saying he’s Sydney, too, because Sydney’s in there, with him. They can’t be three: they need to be one, reintegrated. He committed another murder to get Charles out, so he can kill him, too, and be one.

Kelly and Vicki tussle, and I assumed Vicki would win, or Henry would show up or something, but no: she gets chloroformed!

One last? Flashback Time as Vicki fades into unconsciousness, her and Mike celebrating the confession. Vicki is convinced Charles did it, Mike has some doubts, and then Kelly is there with his sickle, and Mike is talking about how Vicki’s going to get herself killed, and of course, it’s because she’s chloroformed. Kelly’s ready to use that weapon.

Mike goes to see Charles, who has an attack. He says that Sydney and Kelly are together, with Vicki, and Sydney’s ready to kill again. Mike doesn’t have time to get to her, so he calls Henry. While Henry goes, Mike gives in to the psychic bond thing and beats the crap out of Charles, which does, indeed, throw Kelly’s body around a bit. Enough so that Vicki has enough time to break out of a cuff and use her chair to knock Kelly out as he attacks – just as Henry comes to the rescue.

Vicki goes to see Charles, the remaining ego. Kelly poisoned Sydney, then had a psychotic break resulting in a split personality. Charles says they integrated, but Vicki demurs. But she does ask, “If Kelly could feel the beating Mike gave you, why didn’t you know Sydney died?”

“Because he didn’t,” says Charles, as he’s released from his shackles, just as he will soon be released from prison. “They integrated.”

SGRoA: Blood Ties, S1 E19: Wrapped

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Y’all. Y’ALL. WE ONLY HAVE 4 EPISODES LEFT! Now, I have other nonsense to recap for you – True Blood and all those CW shows that are just pretty people talking (with Captain Kirk, apparently?!?!), but what would y’all like to see? I love doing the vampire stuff, but honestly, I could also do a Star Trek or a book series or whatever your little hearts desire. Let me know on my socials or in the comments!

We open on two men who have liberated a truck from its previous owners. They open it and discover their prize: Incan artifacts, including a mummy. We’re doing 1st-season Buffy?

I mean, rip off the best, I guess?

So of course they open the mummy, desecrate it to find gold, and get eaten by… Danny Trejo?!?!?! My hopes for this episode are suddenly sky-high, at least as far as entertainment is concerned. I know better than to expect them to, like, make sense, or anything.

So, yes, Danny Trejo the mummy gets all plumped back up as one robber takes a gold disc off him. Then he kills that guy, and tells the other guy – Wendell – that if he serves Danny, he’ll live. Cue the opener!

most charming guest they’ve ever had

Henry has a dream that Danny is in his house. He tells him he’s made a mistake, asks who the intruder is, and Danny turns around, says “Death!”, and all Henry’s blinds go up and he catches fire. Then he wakes in his bed, and I cheated, cuz I read the description on IMDB (which apparently I should have been doing this whole time, they explain a LOT), but Henry’s kind of vampires don’t dream, so this is a problem. I think this lore is stupid – the function of the brain isn’t completely overridden by vampirism, so why would being a vampire preclude needing to order your memories? (or to sleep at all, eh, Stephenie?) Like, it’s dumb, but it is a problem for Henry, so let’s see what happens.

Vicki’s hair looks terrible as Henry explains this to her, and explains that vampires know when it’s their time to die. Which sounds like spooky magic, but it’s only because they kill themselves, and one tends to plan one’s suicide. Vicki points out he doesn’t have a death wish – unlike her dry-ass hair – but Henry isn’t so sure. Maybe he doesn’t know he wants to yeet himself into the great unknown. Sounds fake, but ok.

Mike and Kate are investigating the truck murder. The guy looks like a mummy, but Mike still wants to get the body’s neck tattoo checked out. Too bad the forensics guys drop a crate lid on the body.

just the forensic guys this time, tho.

Vicki, Coreen, and Henry are trying to figure out his dream They’re going through books on dream symbology, but obviously, that’s not going to work for Henry – the sun is definitely not a good omen for him. He sketches Danny, and Vicki says his vestments look Incan – which she knows because she took a Meso-American history class to pick up boys in college. Nice, Vicki. No sarcasm, I appreciate the unabashed sluttery.

Henry confesses that he thinks the guy in the dream is real, and that he thinks he’s in danger. Vicki vows not to let him die because of a dream.

Meanwhile, Danny Trejo is Danny Trejo-ing at Wendell’s house. Just eating people, learning about the time and place from sucking their brains dry, being evil and “scary-looking”. I mean, maybe he is actually scary-looking, I wouldn’t know, I know he’s Danny Trejo and isn’t gonna hurt me. Wendell has a very definite Mark Ruffalo vibe, I don’t think he’s gonna make it through this, but you do feel for the kid. He warns Danny that he can’t keep eating people, or someone will notice. Danny says he needs a special soul – a nightwalker, an “undying one like myself”.

He asks Wendell for the amulet that imprisoned him, and Wendell brandishes it like a weapon. But Danny holds up a fist and takes 5 years off Wendell’s life, so, yeah, Wendell, just do what you’re told. Danny cuts Wendell’s hand and drips the blood on the amulet while the captions tell me “weird, squishy music” is playing. BRB, gotta go make a playlist…. This apparently makes the amulet inert, and Danny is now unstoppable – and requesting fancier digs, somewhere “with internet”. (I haven’t lived in a major city without Internet since like 1991, it came with all my cheap, poor person apartments, but what’s up, Canada?)

Mike swings by Vicki’s office, and because this is a good episode, he’s already figured out that his body looks like a mummy, but isn’t, and that the actual mummy is missing. Vicki asks if it’s Incan, and how would she know that? Mike is peeved that not only are half his cases supernatural, but Vicki and Henry seem to be personally connected to all of them. I mean, that’s how TV shows work, Mike. I’m sure there’s dozens of Metro Police precincts that don’t encounter anything weird, because they’re not, you know, dramas.

So why did this specific mummy go missing? Coreen says she assumes it’s a curse or an imprisonment, and thank God everyone’s smart this week. Must help when you copy great works of Incan mummy literature.

yes, yes, whedon is awful, but Buffy still slaps!

Kate’s been doing her due diligence on the Incan exhibit. Nothing is missing except the mummy, and obviously Kate and everyone but Mike think it was crushed by the forensics team. Mike points out that the wrappings for the mummy have been disturbed in such a way that the thieves might have been looking for – and found – something valuable inside with the body. Kate says there was only a ring and a necklace – not enough for the thieves to leave everything else. Kate says there has to be an explanation – maybe something outside the box.

Vicki’s running down the list of gang members Mike gave her – the tattoo on the one guy was a gang sign. She finds his trailer and his name: Ron Newbury. And the museum curator just confirmed the existence of the amulet, and that it’s missing. It wasn’t in the manifest because of reasons, no real explanation. Ron rented the garage where he was found in cash, but the receipt was all Vicki found.

Mike starts giving her the business about collecting evidence in non-police ways, but Coreen interrupts. She’s been digging into the lore, and she’s discovered some stuff about Danny. Namely, that he was a priest who wanted to take over the throne of Cuzco.

this episode is 🔥🔥🔥🔥🔥🔥

He’s named himself Pachacamac, another name for the sun god. But then he switches teams to the god of death, and he starts a cult. They try to take over, but are ultimately defeated, and they bind and bury Pachacamac after trying several times, unsuccessfully, to kill him. Guy’s been after power for centuries, and Vicki surmises that using Henry as bait will help them find Danny – because they seem to already have a connection, and because Henry is pretty sure Danny is coming for him.

See how good your episode can be when your scenes take longer than a five-second YouTube ad? When your characters actually get to discuss things with each other, instead of fighting for no reason?

Danny has taken over a mcmansion in the suburbs, and he talks about how his followers will come, their deaths will be glorious, and no, Wendell can’t leave yet! Be part of the death cult, Wendell! Oh, damn, Danny should have waited 10 years: he would have fuckin loved the Grand Old Party’s descent into death madness.

Henry has another dream, but it’s not really a dream. Danny is specifically looking for him, and through this vision learns Henry’s name. Knows who he’s looking for, now. Vicki tells Henry to guide the dream, to communicate and find Pachacamac. Henry insists he’ll find and kill him, but despite Vicki’s suggestion they use the connection, she now doesn’t want Henry to leave his apartment? and she’s going to guard him during daylight? Ok, fine, I guess nothing can be perfect.

Kate and Mike have an argument about Mike shutting Kate out, again, and leaning on Vicki for too much. Mike insists he has other sources, and tells Kate about Wendell, his latest lead. But we all know Kate’s not wrong.

They go to Wendell’s old place and Mike finds a mummified body, but tells Kate he didn’t find anything and destroys the body. That was a person, Mike! WTF? They also find the amulet, half destroyed, definitely not gold anymore. Definitely not working the same magic anymore.

Coreen is aghast, because without the amulet, how do they defeat Pachacamac? Vicki says that the magic still exists: they just need a practitioner with a grimoire. Vicki says she has the magic tattoos, and she knows someone with a grimoire. Coreen says that’s the dumbest fucking idea she’s heard, and she works with Vicki, she knows from dumb ideas. But Vicki is convinced, she’s the only option, even if Henry will freak if he finds she’s doing magic.

Vicki knows best!

(Also, and this is an aside, because it doesn’t quite fit, but I can’t let it go – A grimoire is just an individual witch’s book of spells and information. Like, I have color correspondences and weather aphorisms in mine, as well as some astrology shit and medicinal uses for botanicals, that kind of shit. Homemade soap recipes, tricks for good bread at altitude. Hilarious to me that “a grimoire” is, like, the pinnacle of magical items.)

Oh, Vicki thinks her tattoos draw evil into her life. Huh. I guess? I dunno, this show is so terribly written that the tattoos should be important, but all they give us is Vicki complaining about them or trying vaguely to use them. So, y’know:

Me, watching right now.

Coreen babysits Henry during daylight to go through his magic books and find a spell Vicki can use. There is actually some nice character building in a little scene between Henry and Vicki, but with three-and-a-half episodes left, I won’t bother with it.

Wendell has found Henry. Well, he’s found Henry’s comics. Pachacamac takes another few years from Wendell because he fails to call them graphic novels, and I laughed.

Mike has compunctions about being a cop – I mean, he quibbles about “good” cops who don’t destroy evidence and shit, but we know about “good cops”.

Vicki rightly points out that this isn’t exactly the sort of thing regular cops deal with. Mike wants nothing to do with it. He wants to be a regular cop who plays by the rules – he’s not made for this.

Vicki finds a spell to use, though Coreen says it’s too dangerous and Henry would never agree. Vicki’s pissed she wasn’t shown all the options, including whatever it is they’re talking about, and tells Coreen to get what they need, get set up, and do NOT tell Henry.

Henry has another dream, where Pachacamac tells Henry to meet him, gives the address, and threatens Vicki. Henry insists on going, so Vicki stabs him with a sword – oh, wait, it’s the sacrifice for a spell?!?!?! They need the blood untouched by sun, and herbs grown in dark, and then Vicki drinks it and it’s gonna… give her power, I guess. She immediately doesn’t need her glasses, so there ya go.

She heads off to Pachacamac’s house, and starts with bullets, which obviously don’t work. She offers him her life instead of Henry’s? Oh, the spell poisoned her for Pachacamac – he starts eating her and then dies, all mummied out again. It’s a little anticlimactic, but not much; they did set this up well, and I think this episode is more about how Vicki’s relationships are breaking down.

She goes back to Henry’s, but he isn’t there: he went out immediately to feed, wouldn’t even look at Coreen. So Vicki goes to the precinct to tell Mike it’s done. Mike also refuses to speak to her any longer. She’s back at the office when Henry turns up, complaining about her use of black magic, and that he can’t forgive her, even if it saved his life.

And that’s the end. Looks like we’re wrapping up Vicki’s whole life here in Toronto: Mike’s out, Henry’s out, even Coreen seems rattled. We might get a decent send-off for this thing… if they can keep it together for three more hours!

SGRoA: Blood Ties, S1 E18: Drawn and Quartered

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Fun Fact: when I was in school, first learning about the constitution – so, like, maybe 1st or 2nd grade? – I knew what being drawn and quartered was, but didn’t know that “quartering” was also giving someone a place to stay. So little 7-year-old me was mightily confused by the amendment that protects us from having to quarter soldiers. Like, yeah, I sure hope we don’t have to, damn. Were the British so brutal that everyone wanted to chop people up?!

Oh, well, I mean, nothing about Britons makes me think otherwise, actually, so….maybe I was on to something?

Let’s get on to this recap!

Vicki and Henry are doing a little PI B&E in order to plant bugs in some guy’s office. Henry invites Vicki to a fine art show at a gallery: he has a piece in it, because the show is about the dark side of humanity.

Cut to the gallery: The curator (? I know fuck all about galleries) is leaving a message for someone about showing up to hang the pieces for the show. He says it’s his own fault for thinking the other person would keep a promise for once, and he looks vaguely like my friend Brian. Shout out to Brian!

He gets off the phone and starts looking at the paintings, going to hang them himself, I assume. He puts one on the wall. It’s a big canvas of a house that looks like a bigger version of those Scary Stories illustrations, and it has a window with dangling feet in it – a suicide, one assumes. He says the guy in the painting had no reason to swing: he didn’t have to deal with Maya, the elusive phone interlocutor. He goes out of the room, and someone – something? – walks past the camera behind him. He goes by the painting again, and the legs are gone, and then so is Brian.

alas, poor Brian, we hardly knew ye

Henry shows up at the office the next night, only now it’s not to collect Vicki for the show, it’s to have her start investigating Brian’s disappearance. Guess the picture guy dumped the body, too!

Apparently, Maya is Brian’s girlfriend? And, like, far be it from me to police people’s identities, but Brian was super gay, so that’s surprising. Maya also has an occult symbol tattoo, and she and Vicki admire each other’s ink. Bet Maya’s isn’t as active as Vicki’s.

Maya is… not a good actress, or is super sketchy, I can’t tell if it’s purposeful or not. No eye contact, Henry says she’s a friend, but she’s spacey and self-centered, too hippy-dippy to even have had anything she was doing the night before except “opening herself up to the universe”. Because this show is chockablock with horrible assholes, I have no idea if I’m supposed to like or trust her.

this gif is to Blood Ties was professionalism was to Forever Knight

Vicki and Coreen head to the show, which is going on anyway, mostly to nose around and ask questions. Coreen is excited: she loves “hanging out with artists”. Vicki tells her that makes one of them, and Coreen should “go be pretentious, or whatever it is they do”.

Henry’s piece is a comic-style panel of Vicki killing…something, I can’t tell what, with two handguns. A smarmy little character starts chatting her up about how Fitzroys don’t go on the market very often, and he’s already bought it, and how Maya was planning on dumping Brian. (His name in-show is Jude, but nah, Brian.)

Coreen is also being chatted up by a smarmer, this one younger and more threatening – definitely a whiff of “nice guy” on this one. But Coreen also has better things to say about the art. Most of it is trying too hard to be dark, to fit the theme – but this painting of a house, now, that understood the assignment. The legs are back in the window, and Smarmy No. 2 is the artist, of course.

Mike and Dave find Brian sitting upright, in a chair, on a street corner. Wallet’s still on him, even.

Henry is wearing some industrial-grade guyliner, and Vicki and Coreen have discovered that basically everyone hates Maya, and Coreen has discovered a bunch about Smarmy No. 2, aka Tyrone. Who also hated Maya. The only person who doesn’t hate Maya seems to be Henry, who insists she’s a friend. He met her a couple months ago, and she “experiences the world directly” so as not to “censor” herself, and that’s “admirable”.

Maya shows up with yet another guy, looking very distraught about Brian’s disappearance, and Henry hurries off to talk to her. “Friends,” says Vicki, “riiiiiiiiiiight.” She also notices that the symbol Maya has as a tattoo is in the corner of Tyrone’s painting. She turns to get her camera from the coat check, and runs into Mike, here to notify about Brian.

The main trio go down to Mohadevan’s office, where Henry is a bitch to everyone because he likes Maya for whatever reason, and believes she didn’t kill anyone. Which, like, literally no one said she did. Seriously. Mike asked her where she was, and if she fought with Brian, that’s it. 100% super standard shit. But noooooo, it’s some plot from Mike, and Vicki HAS to prove Maya didn’t do it!! Jesus, Henry’s acting like he’s 12 or some shit. Vicki says she’ll find the killer, Mike tells her to keep Henry on a leash, and Mike and Henry both leave without talking to Mohadevan at all.

Vicki, does, though. Brian drowned. In paint.

the 10th doctor looking confused, with the caption "What?"

Henry mojos Maya about Brian. She had spoken to him before the night he died? or on it? It’s unclear, but she was cheating on him, and he found out, but she never came back to the gallery, so.

Henry and Vicki meet to… have a fight about Maya, apparently. I think it’s supposed to be an update on the case, but Henry’s all “she didn’t do it, I mojo’d her” and Vicki’s all “well, everyone thinks she’s a cheating bitch, so there’s that” and then there’s some dialogue about whether Maya told Henry she’s a cheater that I can’t parse. You actually have to make the subtext make sense for that, and these are Blood Ties writers, so…

Vicki interviews Maya next, and again, it’s like 3 lines of dialogue that don’t add up to people being absolute cunts to each other. Maya admits to cheating, Vicki wants a list of her lovers, Maya balks, Vicki says she’ll be nicer than the cops about it. Smarmy No. 1 comes in to pay for his artwork and to sexually harass Vicki about “nailing her to his wall”. Gross, but what this show is best at: angrily spinning its wheels.

Vicki is convinced Maya is lying, for no clear reasons.

I mean, sure, why not?

Coreen says she should ask Tyrone, because of the coincidence of the symbol, and because everyone Henry’s involved with seem involved in black magic.

Maya fucks Smarmy No. 1, and if I didn’t know it was Tyrone’s weird painting, I might assume he was our killer. This is an awfully big part for this show. Maya kicks him out just after the deed, though, and expects him never to speak of it. He wants a relationship, but accedes to her wishes.

Tyrone and Vicki are calling Maya Enid now, for some reason? Did the editor lose track of the two lines of dialogue that explain the double name to us? Must be a bitch of a job, editing everything into less-than-five-minute scenes where absolutely nothing happens. I’d get confused, too. Tyrone says he knew Enid better than he knows Maya, but he knows Maya was cheating. Vicki wants to look at his work-in-progress, but he refuses, and then asks if Coreen would want to go to a Warhol show, and Vicki tells him to call the office. She leaves – after asking ONE question she already knew the answer to – and Tyrone reveals the WIP: a blank canvas. Huh.

We are just about halfway through, and I have no idea what’s going on, except that Maya is a cheater. Yeah, yeah, dead Brian, haunted painting, but, like… the entire investigation to this point has come up with the clue that sluts are bad. I just… I wish they wouldn’t give me any good episodes at this point, you know? It would be easier than this week on/week off nonsense that I’ve been getting. Sigh. Let’s continue.

Smarmy No. 1, whose actual name is Angus, goes back to the gallery, yet again, to actually pick up his painting. But wouldn’t you know it, ol’ Legs Mahoney is wandering out of his frame again. To steal a bit from the lovely YouTuber Pushing Up Roses, “Well, this guy is dead.”

Angus is also found in a chair, upright, on a corner. Oh, wait, Mike says it’s a parking lot, ok. They notice the lipstick on him – sluts bad! – and head off to the morgue.

Vicki and Coreen are looking up the symbol on Tyrone’s painting and Maya’s tattoo. Protection from demons. Coreen runs off to her date with Tyrone.

Like, y’all, I am not shortening these scenes at all, this is all that’s happening. It’s like a music video didn’t take its Adderall. Like, I am partly ADHD and this is killing me. Killing me! Just stick with one thing for five full minutes, I am begging!

for you to be decent at your jobs

Mike stops by the office to tell Vicki about Angus. Same deal: lungs full of paint, the chair, yadda yadda. Assistant saw him heading to the gallery to finalize a deal – and Mike makes a weird little gesture with his fist, like fist bumping the air? to indicate the deal was fuckin a slut. Hey, you guys, did you know sluts are bad?

Vicki says she knows, she was there, but… she wasn’t? The show seems very clear, that Angus left Maya in broad daylight, and even though Mike says time of death was in the afternoon, it was obviously nighttime when Angus was in the gallery getting killed? Vicki can’t be the 2nd-to-last person to see him alive if we’re to believe the way the show has laid out this timeline and I AM GOING TO RIP MY FUCKING HAIR OUT because you know we’re just supposed to go along with Mike’s timeline and completely ignore what we just fucking watched with our own eyes.

I didn’t know a nearly 20-year-old television show could gaslight me, but here we are.

ANYWAY. Apparently what we’re to believe is that Angus told his assistant where he was going, went to the gallery, sexually harassed Vicki, fucked Maya, then went back into the main portion of the gallery and was murdered by Legs. Despite like a whole day passing between when we saw him with Maya, and when he turned up dead. That was all in one morning. Fine.

Mike has found that about 6 years ago, Maya – then known as Enid Wyman – stabbed her boyfriend with a palette knife and called it performance art. He suspects that the paint in the lungs is just her signature evolving – she just keeps making people into artistic statements. Not a bad theory, I just hate everything going on now. Mike wants to bring Maya in for questioning, but he asks Vicki to be on Henry watch, because Mike has to make a federal case out of everything Henry does, and Vicki just always goes along with it.

So Henry is hanging out at the gallery, Maya telling him stories about her mom, for whatever reason. She makes a move on him, but he says no, then has to mojo her so she won’t think of him that way anymore.

sluts!

Mike and Vicki show up to take Maya in for questioning. Mike says she can go with them, or he’ll get a warrant, and I don’t purport to be an expert on Canadian justice, but a warrant? for questioning? Sure, Jan.

Henry gets mad about it and puts his hands on Mike, because we absolutely cannot have a scene where these two get along. Vicki wrangles, Maya goes downtown, Henry insists she’s innocent.

Coreen and Tyrone are having some pizza or something at Tyrone’s place. He tells her about his muse, an artist named Franklin who no one’s ever heard of, who said that one must sacrifice everything for art, anything other than art is a distraction. So money on the table: Franklin is Legs, killing people who aren’t arty enough. My other theory is that it’s the weird monster thing that Maya keeps putting in paintings, but that makes less sense to me, since it’s Tyrone’s painting that holds Legs in the first place. But with this show, who knows?!

Ohhhhhh, I see. Henry is the toothy guy in Maya’s paintings, because he knew her mom, but her mom couldn’t handle the fangs. So, not the killer. Also why Henry’s so sure she’s not guilty: he knew her when she was little, loved her like a daughter. He’s just being paternal – which he could have let Vicki know at any time. Be for fuckin real, Henry. Open your mouth and TELL PEOPLE THINGS. Made Up Drama, I’m telling you, it’s all stupid MUD instead of an actual plot.

They do some research on the crime scene – well, where the bodies were dumped. Turns out, the parking lot is owned by Edward Franklin – Tyrone’s muse.

Franklin was a weirdo, left behind only a manifesto and a blank canvas, hanged himself. Coreen and Vicki put together that it’s probably a weird killer, possibly connected to Franklin. They go to Tyrone’s place and Coreen distracts while Vicki looks under the tarp, but it’s an actual painting – because Tyrone has moved Franklin’s blank canvas off the easel. But Franklin has plenty to say about how Tyrone shouldn’t have trusted Coreen, and I am so annoyed we had to spend all that time learning sluts are bad instead of getting to see Tyrone interact with his weird ass “muse” of a demon painter! This would have been so much better!

Tyrone says he is willing to sacrifice everything, and starts painting over Franklin’s canvas, ending up with a portrait of Franklin in a noose. The painting moves.

We are in the last 10 minutes. Henry and Vicki lie to Coreen and go to Tyrone’s to slash all his canvases – but oh no, Tyrone has already left to give the haunted one to Coreen! They call, but Tyrone hangs up the phone and Franklin comes out of the painting. Henry and Vicki come back just in the nick of time, to destroy the canvas and therefore Franklin – but not before he sucks Tyrone into the demon realm or whatever with him.

They burn the painting in a montage of everyone from the episode under “epic” music, and finally, another horrible episode in in the books.

SGRoA: Blood Ties, S1 E17: The Devil You Know

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…is Christina, Henry’s dame. It’s Christina. I hope this episode doesn’t move us from Halloween right into the FEH-stive season, if you know what I mean. Anyway, let’s get started!

Henry is on the phone with Augustus

read my books, you’ll get more jokes

… trying to find Christina, I assume. All these vampires are referred to with weird little titles: The German, The Tall Man. These people don’t have names? (Then again, Augustus is a title, too, and he would looooove Henry’s ilk.)

Vicki comes by to yell at Henry for leaving her out of the loop and refusing to let her help him They’re interrupted by another model’s death-by-vampire, and head off to the crime scene. Mike immediately goes in on Henry about Christina, and therefore Henry goes in on Vicki about telling Mike it’s Christina.

But Henry doesn’t think this was Christina: it’s too lurid, attracting too much attention. Henry leaves, announcing his departure because he’s “the only one interested in solving this!” Flounce, queen! Flounce us right into the horrible theme song!

Ooh, rare treat: Flashback Time! It’s not a big one, just Henry remembering Christina before she turned him, his insistence he was ready for it, hers that he wasn’t, and then her feeding him her blood – which I assume in this lore means starting to turn him. That’s usually how it goes; I have the slightly-less-usual trope of vamp blood healing humans, but not doing much otherwise. Maybe get you a little high.

Mike swings by Vicki’s office with Chinese food, so she can tell him (and us) about how vampire territories work. No shade: this is actually pretty well done. Mike has questions, Vicki has answers, we get exposition. (We’re doing much better this week!) Vamps in this lore can’t be anywhere near each other, hence the strict territories. And apparently it’s weird that Henry and Christina were lovers previously, because of that? Like, because you would want to keep being lovers, I assume, barring extenuating circumstances. But beyond that, Vicki doesn’t have any more explanations.

Mike says fine, that’s enough, but what really worries him is that Henry is acting unpredictably – like stealing things from crime scenes.

Turns out there was a brooch of Christina’s – we see it in the flashback – that the latest victim was photographed in, and was on the body at the scene, but was never catalogued. Henry had lied about the crime scene not being Christina’s style. Henry is actively working against them in this case.

Christina is waiting for Henry in his apartment, and she’s Laura Mennell, who has been in roughly one episode of everything ever, but also was one of the Alphas on Alphas, a show that was unceremoniously canceled on a cliffhanger. Poor Gary. Whatever happened to you?

Anyway. She makes some good points about the downsides of digitization, and then says she needs Henry’s help. They do some lame vamp posturing to justify the show’s makeup budget, I guess, and then some even lamer quip-trading, if you can call them quips. Finally, a point! She’s being followed by another vampire, Alexander, who’s trying to ruin her life wherever she sets up shop. If the next vampire mentioned is an India or a Marie or an Oscar, I’m going to have questions, honestly.

Henry says she’ll have to play by his rules while she’s in his territory, and she begrudgingly agrees to answer some questions for Mike. At another time, though: right now she has to go harass Vicki by showing up at the office and saying she “wanted to meet the competition.”

Emma Stone on SNL saying "ew"
Ew.
a fuzzy orange cat with text reading "excuse me while I barf in my mouth"

I – whatever, that’s why God invented memes, so I don’t have to put that into words. The whole scene is like this, Christina threatening Vicki, but just by, like, calling her ugly. She leaves, and Vicki reaches into a drawer to remove a comfort item, a talisman – that fucking sun thingie from the Julian Sands Inquisition episodes!!!!!!!!!!!

I did not see that coming. I thought they got rid of that, that they destroyed it or put it in Henry’s safe or his walls or something! I wonder if Vicki’s cold enough to actually use it – or if Christina is going to be such an awful bitch that we’ll be hoping Vicki’s cold enough. Damn. Okay, last week is forgiven, I’m hella invested in this shit.

So Henry had told Vicki about Alexander on the phone before Christina came in, and Vicki has Coreen look into him next day. He’s a model, one of the references on his CV is Christina. She calls Mike to update, and he invites her to the morgue to take a look at the last vic.

While there, Vicki asks if there’s any way to tell if the attacker is male or female. Mohadevan says not really, but there is one difference in the two models’ deaths. On the first girl, there are signs of hesitation – not remorse or anything emotional, but more like incompetence. Like someone started to claw her throat, and someone more experienced finished it? Okay, that’s my editorializing, but I’m gonna limb it here and say that Christina is using Alexander to get in contact with Henry and she’s gonna throw him right under the bus at every opportunity. Already calling him a stalker. Bet she just wants the boys to fight over her, weird little pick-me.

Oh, hey, Dave’s back! Hi, Dave! Mike gives Dave Alexander’s name for some further digging; Dave makes several remarks about enjoying interviews with models. Ah, Dave. You can go away again, thanks, that’s fine. Oh, and Mike’s unhappy about 3 vampires in his city, and, uh… nah, let’s not tell him. The Raven gang doesn’t seem to be causing any problems.

Henry and Christina have some bite sex on the street? Okay, sure, and then they have a lore conversation. Most of this is to show they’re being followed – a lot of shots of them from a camera lens, zooming in and out. I assume this is Alexander, who “doesn’t follow code” and “wants to make his mark” by “taking out an old one”. Yup. Sure. I wouldn’t believe this woman if she told Henry her name is Christina, honestly. She’s not very well hinged, which we knew, but I had no idea she was such a weird pick-me about Henry.

Christina rn, cringe alert

Coreen, meanwhile, has found Alexander’s sister, right there in Toronto. She hasn’t had contact with Alex in roughly 6 months, and she reported him missing, but of course the police didn’t do anything, and now he’s involved in murders? She says he’s kind and harmless, that he basically raised her after their parents died. He met a woman roughly 9 months ago, and was smitten. Said she was going to help with his career. And she has a picture of him, taken just before he disappeared – a picture taken before sunset, with Alex bathed in light.

Funny. PickMe said he’d been stalking her for a whole year! That he was a vampire that whole time! That he’s trying to make a name for himself!

Oh, but wait, Henry gives us a full-on retcon of everything in this episode. Vamps don’t turn enemies, only friends and lovers. Vamps stay with their parents for a full year, and the newborns are devoted to their parent. So if Christina had turned Alex, they’d be together and he wouldn’t be stalking her, and if he had been stalking her for a year, she wouldn’t have turned him. No, it doesn’t matter that Alex is a baby, he’s trying to expose Christina, not just kill her, and he could do it to any vampire, and that’s really dangerous. That’s why she needs Henry’s help! It’s all so obvious!

Christina offers to see Mike at her midnight couture shoot at an arts center. Seems pretty public, to both Vicki and Mike, and Vicki wonders if Christina is trying to draw Alexander out. She also mentions that it’s strange he went from leaving bodies on doorsteps to elaborately posing them – are they missing something?

Henry’s walking the streets, having a flashback. (Next thing you know, it’ll be gravy boats and puffy shirts.) Christina is teaching Henry not to kill, and how to hypnotize victims to forget. Henry’s a dick about it, because she’s said it all before. Don’t worry, Hank, I didn’t think you were any more likable than you have been.

Vicki heads to the morgue to see Mohadevan. Were there any other weird things about the first body that weren’t on the others? Yeah, says Mohadevan, actually, the first vic was completely drained of blood by two punctures on her wrist. She didn’t bleed out at all, but someone very much wanted it to look like she was drained by someone who didn’t know what they were doing.

Henry finds Alex while he’s wandering, but Alex runs, and then… they have a … thought conversation? This is incredibly weirdly done, but basically, Henry says – out loud – that Alex shouldn’t have involved him. Alex says – offscreen somewhere? with a weird growly voice? – that Henry can save the girl he was chowing in the alley or he can chase Alex. Henry says he’ll have to face him eventually, and Alex retorts that Henry can save Christina, or his other loved ones, but not both. Henry says, “Watch me.”

Vicki brings Alex’s sister to the photo shoot, because again, this is a pretty standard paranormal procedural, and putting family members in danger without telling them anything is pretty standard paranormal operating procedure. (She knows she can talk to him. She’s his sister!)

Mike is questioning Christina with Dave, so standard shit. What was Alex like to work with, what was her relationship with him, when did things change. She has all the answers, even if Mike is a little sharp with the questions. She mojos them into giving it up, and Dave just wanders away, but Mike looks like he might know something is wrong.

Alex is in a hoodie, setting up lights, lingering on the fringes of the shoot. Vicki and Sister show up, but Vicki insists Sister stays backstage for safety. Henry shows up and has some words for Christina: namely, he’s figured out she can’t feel Alex because her body doesn’t consider him a threat. Because it’s been less than a year. Because she turned him.

She turned him and abandoned him, but that shouldn’t matter. Henry has to protect her, because if he doesn’t, he’s next. Vicki’s next. Vicki, up in the catwalks, finding another body and the boxes for the “TrueSun” lighting.

She kills the lights, of course, yelling down to the stage and running in and knocking shit over. Henry and Christina are fine, wrapped in the velvet stage curtain. Vicki finds them with Christina chowing down on Henry’s wrist to heal her burns. She runs off, Henry says he’s going after Alex, Vicki’s like, yeah, fine, whatever. I am also tired of Henry’s relationship drama.

Sister finds Alex first, though, obviously. Alex takes her hostage against Henry, but Henry says he can make her forget, Alex doesn’t have to kill her just because she saw him vamped out.

Oh, I see, Alex has not taken dying well. He ran away, he’s freaked out about hunger, says Christina “did this to” him, he hates vampires, begs Henry to kill him. So Henry obliges, and then I send Henry Nick Knight’s address, and…. No, just kidding, Nick’s already dead, but they could have made a whole series about Alexander whining! For centuries!

Lestat from the movie saying, "still whining, Louis"
Lestat knows

Vicki has headed back to the office, so she apparently just completely forgot about Sister? Like, just straight up left that woman at the arts center. Damn, Vicki, what the hell?

Or maybe better she did, because Christina has followed her. She threatens to kill Vicki (“I’m still hungry”), and then Vicki tells her she knows about the first victim, that all of this was to manipulate Henry into killing that kid. Vicki brandishes the Illuminacion del Sol – the sun thingie – but before she needs to decide whether to use it, Henry is here to save her and tells Christina to get the fuck out of his city, and if she ever comes near him again, he’ll kill her. She protests, and there’s some lame relationship talk, but she ultimately goes.

Henry also goes to tell Mike that he killed Alex, and they get into a little spat about vampirism and justice, so it’s back to Mike and Henry status quo.

SGRoA: Blood Ties S1 E16: Bugged

SGRoA post 104 of 122

Happy Halloween, Snowflakes! I hope you all have as spooky a weekend as you’d like, and get or give as much candy as you want, and that everyone thinks your costume is the coolest. Let’s get spookily started!

We open on two goths leaving a club. One of them isn’t feeling well; he “shouldn’t have had that last hit, I told you,” says the other. “You’re doing too much.” Sick Goth says he’s not doing enough, and refuses to get on the last bus home. Well Goth leaves him, and he drinks blue liquid from a little vial, calling it “sweet poison”. He proceeds to fall down dead, and bugs swarm him.

get swarmed!

Club owner shows up at Vicki’s office, of course, and the look on Vicki’s face perfectly encapsulates how I would look at this woman, too, which makes me rethink all my life choices. Girl is gothed to within an inch of her life, and has come to request Vicki’s help because “the Reaper’s influence has fallen over my sanctum.” Like, look, I understand committing to the bit, I just… don’t go that hard, I guess?

Oh, of course, she’s friends with Coreen. Lexia (who sounds like an electronic home assistant more than mistress of the dark) wants Vicki to investigate the death from the open, a kid named Dante. Lexia apparently has enough issues with the city already, but, like, won’t the city be investigating? Is his death natural? Ruled an accident already? Why are you immediately asking Vicki to do a maybe-homicide before cops have even been there? Or have they been?

Look, y’all, I know it seems super nitpicky, and that the following scenes are going to answer at least a couple of these questions, I hope. But these are not questions that make people continue watching (or reading) some piece of fiction. These are questions that just make your audience disgruntled because they make you look amateurish. Leaving all these common-sense issues just hanging over the narrative might seem like they’ll get people invested, but they’re cheap mysteries that someone in the narrative should have already asked or answered. Most people watching know how a procedural works, and not answering why the cops haven’t yet been involved just makes it look like the writers don’t know how a procedural works, and therefore like they have no idea how to write at all. Just a tip to keep in mind in your own projects, should you have any.

Someone has left Henry a present: a dead girl on his doorstep. That’s it, that’s the scene. Dead blonde, scarf around her neck, no one in the hall. Okay.

Mohadevan has Dante’s body, though she calls him Gene? Because no one named their kids Dante back in the day?

sure, why not

Anyway, he looks way more decomposed than he should, and Vicki points out he’s been swarmed. Looks like he died of anaphylaxis, which no one thinks can happen from bug bites, and, like, okay, wtf. Why is everyone so fuckin dumb this episode? Vicki was so great last week, time looping like a champ, all that tight, informative dialogue, and now this?

anaphylaxis from a bug?!?!?!

Feh! Yeah, I said it, FEH. Double feh! Get the fehck outta here with this, honestly. No one wanted the scab writers back from the beginning of the season, why are you torturing us like this, Blood Ties? I want to like you so bad!

Henry’s dead girl has her throat slashed, but, like, by claws, not a razor. Vicki asks him along to the club, but he says he’s busy without mentioning the dead girl.

Vicki and Coreen head to the club, and Coreen’s hair has grown three sizes. They’re using more wigs in this episode than Marina Sirtis has worn in all of Star Trek history, it’s honestly an accomplishment.

just… an ungodly amount of hair

And this club scene tells us almost nothing. They serve only wine and absinthe, because that’s all Lexia drinks. Well Goth from the opener has some survivor’s guilt for not putting Gene/Dante on the bus. He’ll ask Gene’s mom if he had any allergies. And yes, the bartender says, there are drugs in the club. It’s a club, duh.

No answer yet on whether the police have any sort of anything going on in relation to this death, btw. All those questions I had a few paragraphs ago are still up in the air.

Me, watching right now.

Henry goes to Mike for help. With a lot of preamble, he tells Mike everything he needs to know: Another vampire in town is leaving dead bodies for Henry to find, because he wants Henry’s territory.

… yeah, you were thinking it too

There’s another scene at the club where Vicki and Coreen talk about investigative technique and it’s dumb and boring, and Coreen’s fake hair is wildly distracting. Doesn’t advance anything, not even Coreen’s investigative skills, don’t know why we’re here.

Henry officially reports his dead girl so she ends up in Mohadevan’s office. She asks Mike if he doesn’t want to wait for her official report; he tells her they both know this won’t be in the official report, because it’s a vamp. He also tells her that Vicki is “just so busy”; let’s leave her out of this one. Mohadevan agrees, just as Vicki comes in looking for Gene’s tox screen. Mike hustles her out before she can see the vamped body.

Oh, good, the next scene is nonsense, just what I wanted.

captain kathryn janeway, rolling her eyes

Vicki heads to Henry’s to ask him what’s going on, because both he and Mike are acting weird af. Henry, instead of telling her, I don’t know, fucking any-damn-thing, fuckin, “We’re planning a surprise party for Mike’s cousin’s kids’ best friend”, just tells her that they shouldn’t see each other for a while, and he has to get stuff to his editor, so there’s the door! You know, neurotypical “let’s force drama by having everyone act like they’ve never heard of acting human before”. There’s no good reason for Henry to keep this from her, and it’s fuckin dumb.

FEH.

Coreen is still wearing the hair when Vicki gets the background check results for Lexia: no priors, no real trouble of any kind. She also got the tox results for Gene/Dante: unknown substance in the blood. Vicki thinks regular old drugs, but Coreen insists it’s paranormal, that there can’t possibly be drugs at a nightclub.

Marcia from the Brady Bunch saying "Sure, Jan"

At the club, bartender is talking to Well Goth, says she’s sorry about Dante. “Gene,” he corrects her. She confirms that he hasn’t “said anything” to the people asking questions, then gives him a vial, which he refuses. They argue briefly about whether the drugs killed Dante, and then she leaves – and leaves the vial with him.

Coreen and Vicki come back to the club to ask Lexia if she’s selling drugs like another 4 times. She just keeps saying no, and no one is bright enough to ask if literally anyone else could be selling in the club, and then she walks away.

Well Goth has taken the vial, is super high, stumbles out the door to the dumpster, et voila, bug snack.

Lexia goes off on Coreen for being, like, a traitor to all of gothdom, or some shit, jesus. This is the wrong thing to be mad about! People keep getting eaten by bugs outside your club! DO YOU WANT TO SOLVE THE PROBLEM?! (Of course not, that wouldn’t be ~*dramatic*~ enough for these shit ass writers.)

Someone finds Well Goth and everyone runs outside; Vicki calls an ambulance. He’s still alive, luckily, and Coreen grabs one of the bugs for study. But don’t get too excited: this show knows how to waste momentum like nothing I’ve ever seen, so we’re off to Henry and Mike making decisions about what’s best for Vicki – a grown ass woman who can make her own decisions, last I checked.

a "keep calm" poster, but it says "fuck this guy"
these guys, I guess, sentiment stands!

OMG, it’s a fuckin vampire history lesson. I DON’T CARE, HENRY. I might have cared, if this came at almost any other point in this episode, or if you were TALKING TO VICKI, but no, just ridiculousness from Henry and Mike grandstanding about how the victim of the other vamp was a person. Anyway, they decide not to tell Vicki she might be in mortal danger just for hanging with Henry!

Vicki comes up with the idea that whatever the substance is from the club, it might be attractive to bugs, like a pheromone. She goes to Mohadevan to run it by her, and Mohadevan says she’d need a pure sample to test for that. Vicki also asks about the Jane Doe she and Mike were working on, so Mohadevan gives her the name, and tells her that she’s not supposed to tell her it has something to do with Henry.

Mohadevan for the win!

Mike and Henry get a lead on a photographer that might lead them to the vamp, or be the other vamp, and Henry gives Mike a short sword so he can behead the other vamp if needs be. They check his studio out, find not much, then Vicki shows up. They try not to tell her anything. Still. They insist they’re just teaming up on a case, not that Vicki is in mortal danger.

We are in the final 10 minutes. Who are we looking for? What happened to these kids? Were the police ever called? Is it a drug? Where is the bartender getting it?

Coreen gets wired up to go back to the club and perhaps get some answers. I think this is all supposed to happen in one night, because the hair is still ominously perching on Coreen’s head. And then Vicki says she’ll meet Coreen back at the office at midnight? IT ISN’T EVEN MIDNIGHT?!

Vicki goes back to Henry’s for more made up drama, as we called it on The Knot message boards back in the day. After she leaves, Henry figures out that the other vamp is his dame, Christina.

Okay, so, bartender is some sort of creature that can inject people with the drug, so she does that to Coreen, then tells her that it’s open season on Vicki, and she wanted to be the one to kill her. Some sort of bug demon, there’s an unsatisfying fight, no real answers, and then Henry runs her over with a van. I’m not joking. He squashes her like a bug.

There’s some more drama about Henry and Christina and Mike and Vicki, but this episode exhausted all my goodwill. Upshot: Henry wants to handle it on his own, and thereby set up a multi-episode arc. Great, sure, whatever, can we roll credits now?!

FEH!

SGRoA: Blood Ties, S1 E15: 5:55

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So, before I even start, gonna take a stab and say that this episode will give us the ticking clock I was looking for in the last one, but who knows? I could definitely be wrong, not all my predictions come true. Just, like, a lot of them.

Henry and Vicki show up to a hotel with a secret third friend, who has hired them to retrieve an antique bowl that he sold to someone named Benoit. He shipped the bowl, but never received payment, was unable to contact the guy, et voila, call in Vicki to retrieve it. Henry is complaining because he’s hungry, but then stops them: he smells something, pain and hate and fear. Vicki quips that it’s “a no-tell motel”, and first of all, Vicki, there was a legit maid in a uniform and a gorgeous wooden front desk fully staffed after dark, so what? and she adds that basically nothing bad could possibly be happening there, so secondly, which is it? Cheap motel, where bad shit happens constantly, or happy fun place?

Vicki, I’m just getting tired now

They all start booking it, following Henry, whom secret third friend calls a bloodhound. Henry says there are hundreds of presences in the hotel, and then there’s black things coming in through a window and Vicki’s tattoos are glowing and

she wakes up on her couch. The clock reads 5:55.

This opening fuckin SLAPS. I know, I get lost in details, but, like, it just hooks you, gives you everything you need to know in a few lines of dialogue, and then comes at you with danger and the entire premise of the episode. It’s a time loop or a premonition or a countdown, but you know you’re going on a RIDE. Well done!

Vicki relates the dream to Coreen, who has woken her from a short nap. She says she died in the dream, after feeling every part of the entity go through her. Coreen makes a quip about chips after dinner, but then Secret Third Friend walks in to hire Vicki to retrieve his fuckin bowl!!!!!!!!

I love this shit, maybe it’s the weed, but I’m pumped for this episode

His name is Jacob Keller, and he starts the opening credits. He needs to get paid for this bowl, or he’s out of business. Vicki is extra bitchy about him doing business with people who only disclose their PO boxes, but I suppose that’s a little more understandable after her dream.

So! We are off! Vicki calls the PO box place and sweet talks the real address out of the clerk on the phone. She collects Henry and Jacob, and of course they walk in to a crime scene, Mike and Kate hovering over a dead body. It’s Benoit, of course, single stab wound to the belly, place has been trashed. Vicki’s annoyed: first normal case she’s had in weeks and of course the guy is dead. There’s a weird digression about Mike’s “lucky” tie being about “getting lucky”, but Mike says that no, he and Kate were out celebrating closing another case, one that Vicki had worked before her eye condition made her leave the force.

So obviously, Vicki has to be a bitch about it, and is bitchy about Kate being the one who broke the case. Now, this i will buy as related to her disability, but jesus, Vick.

you could TRY

Vicki spies a note on Benoit’s desk – “Empire Hotel, midnight” – says nothing about it to Mike, and leaves with a parting shot about Kate.

So we get the same scene from the opening: hotel front desk, maid in uniform walks by, Vicki and Henry walk in, and – wait. Jacob isn’t with them, and as they start wandering the halls, Vicki is asking Henry what Mike’s lucky tie might mean, and they walk right by Jacob sitting in an alcove.

spock and kirk from TOS. kirk says "whut?"
I am very confused

Neither Henry nor Vicki manage to notice him until he walks up and interrupts their conversation to ask where his bowl is, and then they catch up to the rest of the open – Henry’s hungry, a lady drops a room service tray (at a no-tell motel?) and Vicki says she’s done this before. But instead of just a fluttering curtain, they see a man with a case. Vicki says that’s their guy, Henry attacks him, he drops the case. Jacob steps forward to get his bowl, but Vicki stops him as her tattoos flare, Henry goes to her, and the guy with the case opens it and lets out a bunch of spirit-looking things. He seems to be injured? by the case opening? and Vicki tackles him

just before waking up on her couch, at 5:55.

just a sucker for a time loop, what can I say?

Jacob walks in and Vicki is ready. She tells him all his business and then reads him for filth for lying to her. She knows he’s after a box, not a Roman glass bowl, and she wants some fuckin answers, because she’s already died twice for this thing and it’s still only 5:55! So tell her!

Jacob says it’s got powers, it’ll give you eternal life. “It’s a lot more than that,” says Vicki, and they’re off, grabbing Henry as he walks into the office.

They go to Benoit’s office, hoping to prevent his murder. Almost make it, too – Benoit dies just after they show up.

When Mike arrives, Vicki gives him shit about the tie and Kate, and he says he feels like he walked into a fight he didn’t know he was having, and like, Mike. Michael.

Do you not feel like this every time you’re with Vicki? Because I do, and I’m not even on the show!

She gives Mike a rundown of the scene and leaves, and poor Mike. He is not cut out for dealing with Vicki’s paranonsense.

Back in the hallway! Vicki wants to end it “right here”, but there’s still 20 minutes left, you might have one more go-round on this one. Guy comes around the corner, Henry attacks, case falls to the ground. Vicki wants answers from case guy, but of course Jacob opens the box, tattoos, spirits, bam!

5:55!

She tells Coreen to keep Jacob there, meets Henry at the car, makes it to Benoit’s office before he’s dead. He denies knowing anything about a box, but they hustle him out the door. He complains that he’s been looking for it for 25 years, and how could anything so beautiful be dangerous? No dice, but Vicki makes a crack about getting there “too soon”, because even in a time loop….

They bring Benoit to the office, where Coreen has stalled Jacob successfully. Vicki charges Henry with keeping everyone in one place, and heads over to the hotel, calling Mike in for backup on her way.

Box guy is dead when they show up. No sign of the box, but Vicki remembers a janitor from Benoit’s office who seemed shifty. They find him in the lobby with the box, and he tells Vicki not to open it or look at it, but she does! AND THEN BAM, 5:55!!!!!!!

Vicki draws a symbol she saw and has Coreen research it before getting Mike, preventing Benoit’s murder, and catching the janitor guy before he gets to the hotel. Henry and Coreen keep Jacob corralled until Vicki calls; she wants Henry to bring him to the precinct and asks about the symbol.

It’s for the Knights of Babylon, a secret society that was started in the 1500s when they came into possession of Pandora’s Box. Legend is, no human can withstand the temptation to open it, something Vicki seems to already know intimately.

Mike can’t really hold anyone for anything, so he and Henry go to the hotel with Vicki to get the box. But this time Box Guy has a gun, and Mike gets shot in the chest and dies.

Vicki wants to open the box, to go back again, to save Mike. Henry refuses. Some things can’t be changed, they have the box, that’s the thing that counts….

But of course, it isn’t. Henry sees that she would die for Mike, and he opens the box for her… and it’s 5:55.

Vicki calls Mike, gives Coreen the night off, takes Benoit to Henry, and goes to get the box alone. Or thinks she’s alone: janitor has followed her. Turns out both guys are Knights of Babylon, but Box Guy is stealing the box and Janitor is recovering it. Janitor has a gun on Vicki, but Henry shows up just in time to take his weapon and the box – because Henry isn’t tempted to open it.

Henry takes the case to seal it up in the walls of his apartment, and Vicki thanks him for ending the world for her. He drinks from her in the elevator, and then she wakes up…

at 5:56.