SGRoA: Vampire Diaries, S1 E10: The Turning Point

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Because it’s halfway through the season, yes, but also because for once, Stefan broke up with Elena, and I can’t wait to see how absolutely zero consequences there are for that. Let’s go!

Oh, the recap tells me that Damon actually mentioned someone was covering up Logan’s death. I missed it because like 90% of this show’s dialogue is pointless or repetitive, so remember that as a writing tip, kids! If you bore your audience with mostly nonsense, they won’t get the details they need for future plots to make sense.

We start where we left off: Logan on Jenna’s doorstep. She’s mad, he says he was out of town, she says she knows, she got his stupid email. Logan is surprised by the email, so someone was covering something up. Jenna doesn’t let him in, though, and he goes on to eat a jogger on the street. These vamps have just no concept of self-preservation, do they? Weirdest monsters ever, damn.

Jeremy is reading his dad’s diary and learning about the vamps. It’s a standard TV journal: leather-bound, no lines, plenty of weird little sketches to go along with the narrative. I have never seen a journal like this in my life, so maybe that’s how we know this is all a simulation, when our diaries become screen-ready.

Damon and Stefan are discussing where they’re headed, because they “can’t stay here”, even though that’s obviously what’s going to happen for seven more seasons, when Sheriff shows up. She wants to talk to Damon about another vamp attack, Logan’s attack. Damon keeps up the pretense that he’s an upstanding member of the founding families and Stefan listens from inside. Sheriff wants Damon to be in charge of hunting it, because he’s the only one who’s ever killed a vampire before.

Matt and Caroline are flirting and Bonnie and Elena approve. They talk about Damon attacking Bonn and Stefan leaving Elena.

Stefan can’t leave now that there’s another vampire in town, obviously!!!!!! How dare Damon think he’s going to keep his plans to leave? I dunno, Stef, maybe y’all should just bail, leave these people to the hell they keep making for themselves.

Stefan immediately goes to tell Elena about it, while Matt justifies hanging out with Caroline to his friends. I don’t understand why these scenes are cut together, but they are, so.

Me, watching right now.

Oh, holdup, the journal isn’t Jeremy’s dad’s, it’s from the 1800s. First gen vamp hunting. The dude is related to them, but was a horror writer. Easy way to keep the truth on the down-low. Good reason to kill the novelists. (no but fr, you’ll get so many more jokes if you read my books.)

Caro follows the compass for Damon, who takes it from her at what looks like a random commercial building and then mojos her to forget he asked the favor and go home. He can’t just use it, because he interferes with the signal, obviously, but I’m wondering if vamps have some sort of extra magnetic signature? What is the compass picking up on? How does it point to a vamp? I mean, yes, hand-wavy magic, obviously, but…. I dunno, I like puzzles. Extra iron from all that blood?

Damon walks in and Logan shoots the shit out of him, six shots, all over the body. They’re wooden bullets, too! Nice. Logan knows it all, obviously. He woke up in the ground behind a car dealership, no idea who made him. Logan assumes it’s Damon, but no: Damon only bit him. Someone fed him, and now he can’t even get into his own home because he has to be invited in? To his house?! That’s bullshit, man, nobody’s magic works that way, it’s ridiculous. He’s been living at a motel and eating people, who are now stacked up like cordwood in his warehouse.

Cut to the school’s college fair, where we meet the true horror: Military recruiters.

Just a cover for Sheriff and Mayor to talk about vampires. And for us to get point-three seconds with a bunch of other characters. Tyler makes art (I thought he was dead?). Matt wanted to be an astronaut once. Stefan stares longingly at Elena and we’re back to the warehouse for lore convos.

Logan lets it slip that the rings and the daywalking aren’t “in the journals”. Damon refuses to answer any more questions, because he suspects Logan was turned by one of the hunters, or a vamp working for the hunters, and he’s not going to give anything else away. Logan refuses his questions and shoots him some more before leaving.

To go to the college fair? Time has zero meaning in this show, and while it was full daylight when Elena and Stefan started talking about their latest breakup, it is now fully 8 PM by the clock in the hall, and fully dark outside.

Have I told y’all the story about how I have a novel almost fully finished, except that I fucked up the timeline and put like, seven weeks of story into four weeks of book time? Yeah, I’ve been thinking I have to fix that before I publish but, like, CLEARLY I should stop giving a shit and just rake in the dollar dollar bills, y’all.

Miss Piggy looking irritated or angry

Elena takes Jenna away and Logan starts in on Stefan about daywalking. Logan threatens Stefan with exposure; Stefan is hard as stone. Logan’s getting nothing, and he’ll thank Stefan for it.

Elena asks Jenna how Logan acted when he came to the house, because she’s thinking vampire. Jenna says he was very insistent on being invited in, and Elena tells Jenna never to even speak to him again. Stefan calls Damon, who relays his meeting with Logan and tells Stefan he’s feeling vengeful. Stefan says Logan is at the school, so Damon hangs up, saying he’ll see Stefan momentarily.

Caroline tells her mother she wants to go into broadcast journalism. Sheriff says, “But you don’t even read the paper”, and when Logan shows up a second later, I’m fully rooting for him to kill her. What a bitch. Be nice to your kid, lady, or someone will cheer for your death. She immediately draws her gun, but then puts it away, because what does she think she’s going to do? Kill Logan? Bury him in another shallow grave? Logan has guessed correctly that she covered up his death, and she shows him she has zero compunction marking him as the enemy now. He threatens her; she calls for backup.

Jeremy tries to talk to Tyler about art. Ends in a fight. Mayor drags them off to talk, to which Alaric seems to have some objection? Yeah, that guy’s a vamp. Or some sort of overlord of hunters or something. He knows who’s involved, seems like.

Logan offers Caroline a ride home, and she accepts, because why wouldn’t she? Especially with an interest in journalism. But of course, he knocks her out basically as soon as she’s in her seat. Good thing some kids saw her get into his car. I hope.

me, thinking about Caroline dying

Matt tells Elena that Caro got in Logan’s car basically immediately. Stefan goes after her.

Mayor tells Tyler and Jeremy to fight, like real men, but Tyler doesn’t want to and they’re soon interrupted by Alaric, who calls Mayor “an alpha-male douchebag” and says if Mayor keeps pushing, it’ll end up with the two grown men in a fight. Mayor takes Tyler and walks off, telling Alaric “you’ve marked yourself”, whatever the fuck that means.

Logan calls Sheriff from the car: he’s going to turn Caro. Stefan pulls him out of the car, and Damon shoots him on the street. Stefan takes Caro, Damon tells Sheriff they’re on Elm Street and Caroline is fine. Logan gets his life by telling Damon there’s another way to break the spell on the crypt beneath the old church. He hits Damon as Sheriff drives up, then escapes, and Damon apologizes to Sheriff because he “wasn’t strong enough” to stop Logan.

Stefan goes back to the school instead of either staying with Caroline or helping Damon, which is certainly A Choice.

Jeremy talks to Tyler again, trying to connect with him over his terrible father, but Tyler wants none of it, of course.

Stefan and Elena drama.

Elena says she loves him. They both look so constipated, I’ll assume they’re sad, or something, but they still have sex.

Alaric shows up at Logan’s weird warehouse, saying he’s a friend of Jenna’s, she deserves the best, she’s going to get it. Logan tries to get him to fight, but Rick says he’s not a violent man “by design”. Logan vamps out, thinking he’ll kill Rick, but no such luck: Alaric has a stake at the ready, and boom, no more Logan. Maybe.

Matt tells Tyler he likes Caroline, and he’s not going to apologize for it.

Sheriff tenderly strokes Caroline’s hair, then gets a call and leaves.

Elena and Stefan have after chatter and cuddles. Apparently the sex was good, not bloody. Elena snoops, obviously, and finds out she’s a dead ringer for Catherine and immediately freaks out.

Sheriff thinks Damon killed Logan, but Damon is at the church ruins when she calls to thank him. “This town owes you so much.”

Elena leaves Stefan’s, drives way too fucking fast, hits someone standing in the road and flips the car. She seems mostly okay – except that the person she hit’s bones all immediately knit together and they come after her.

a chipmunk turning suddenly with dramatic sound effect

Luckily, we don’t have to wait for the holidays to be over before we come back from mid season break! I’ll see y’all next week to find out who the fuck is coming after Elena now!

SGRoA: Vampire Diaries, S1 E9: History Repeating

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Isn’t there a really good song by that title? *rummages around* Here it is!

My brain: twice as searchable as your grandma’s attic! Let’s get started!

Bonnie is falling asleep in math class when a ghost walks by, and she wanders out of class to follow it. Looks like it’s one of the old witches in her family, the one Gran told her about, who owned the jewel: Emily. Bonnie follows her out of school, into the woods, to her grave and her ruined homestead. Emily says this is where it started, and this is where it has to end. Bonnie has to help her – and Bonnie is back in math class, but then wakes up at the graveyard raveyard where everyone ends up these days.

Bonnie didn’t make it to school, so Elena has to talk to Caroline about her relationship with Stefan being “complicated”. Caro tries to talk to Matt before class, but gets only a dismissive “Hey”.

New history prof time! Alaric Saltzman, and I KNOW that stupid first name is some obscure-to-me vampire reference from, like, a video game or something, because I have seen dozens of Alarics in fantasy fiction. Why?

plain text reading "because why not"

I have zero idea, I told you, it’s obscure to me. It’s not in any of the standard vampire fiction a typical late GenX woman would have been exposed to, so if you know, hit me up in the comments. Also, he’s played by the guy who played Warner in Legally Blonde, so making jokes about him will not be difficult. Just like getting into Harvard Law.

So, once he tells all the kids he goes here now, he tells them he goes by Rick.

Damon and Stefan are fighting.

Oh, wait, Bonnie did show up at school? She’s telling Elena about the dream, and that she can’t tell Gran, because Bonnie doesn’t want to embrace it, she wants it to stop.

Jeremy goes to talk to Saltzman. This is our fifth scene in 7 minutes, y’all, and it’s killing me today. I mean, it kills me every day, but ffs, can we just stay with one character for a second? This show’s editing makes me motion sick. (No, I don’t have tiktok, why do you ask????) Something something clean slate for Jeremy, something something bring your grades up, extra credit, blah blah. Jeremy has to write a paper about history: local, in-depth, nothing that’s just regurgitated from Wikipedia.

Matt again refuses to talk to Caroline, so she stops him and asks wtf his problem is. He doesn’t have one; they’ve always just been “hey” friends, and he snuck out of her room after the party of last episode because he didn’t want to get in trouble with Sheriff. Caro is chagrined.

Stefan shows up.in the parking lot to talk with Elena, bring her up to speed on Damon not being dead. (Seven scenes in under ten minutes!) And to tell her he won’t be going to school anymore, which she interprets as him backing away from her, and then… she gets mad? even though she’s broken up with him like a gajillion times?

Sorry, I can’t deal with the NT relationship drama. I don’t understand it, and I refuse to engage in it.

Damon offers to help Bonnie by taking that jewel off her hands. He knows she thinks she’s in over her head, and my god, what I wouldn’t give for a show that was told from Damon’s POV. I think stuff would actually happen! She refuses, of course. He tells her he’ll get it back, no matter. I believe him, but we all know even if he does get it, there won’t be a consequence for our “heroes”, so.

Bonnie throws the jewel in a field.

Jenna’s scoping out Rick at The Grill. He’s not worth it, Jenna. Just ask Elle and Vivian!

Elena complains to Stefan about Damon harassing Bonnie. Emily apparently was Catherine’s “handmaid”, which – like, okay, if Emily were also a vampire, I would understand them travelling in the States in the 1860s under that story, but why would a vampire have a human witch servant? Slave? Did Catherine OWN Emily?!?!

this show’s writers

Look, I know it must sound cool to set things during major upheavals in history, especially if you’re writing vampires, especially for television. I get it!

But you can’t introduce a conflict like the American Civil War and literally never mention any of the reasons it started or the effects it has on this community! Emily was a Black witch in the American south – in a slave state! – in 1864!!!!!!!!!! YOU CANNOT KEEP IGNORING THIS SHIT. Or, I mean, you definitely can, and your show will just be deeply shitty because you can’t stand the implications of the things you’re writing. The reason societal upheaval makes such a delicious plot point is because you explore the implications. You humanize the conflict. You show me the moonlight glinting on a broken bottle or whatever that writing tip is. You don’t ignore it because you’re uncomfortable. It makes you, the writer(s), look stupid and cowardly.

ANYWAY. Emily was Catherine’s handmaid. The jewel belonged to Catherine, which means…. Well, Stefan doesn’t know. He’ll have to ask Damon.

Jenna tells Jeremy that his dad was super into their family history, he had a bunch of stuff in a box in his closet, just waiting for Jeremy’s paper. For her help, he introduces her to Saltzman.

Stefan and Damon are fighting.

Elena has Caro and Bonn both over for dinner, and Caroline apologizes to Bonnie, who then admits she threw the jewel away. Caro is mad for half a second, but then finds the necklace next to Bonnie’s bag.

the necklace rn

Jenna still doesn’t know Logan is dead? Does anyone know Logan is dead? IS Logan dead?!?!?! Seems like the local news guy just disappearing would be…. noticed?! Anyway, she’s flirting with Saltzman, whose wife was … murdered? or is missing? He just says “the cops call it a cold case”, so, like, murdered by vamps, right?

Stefan and Damon are fighting.

The horrible Aughts curling iron tried to attack Elena this episode, but it didn’t work, so her hair looks terrible. The girls do a seance to get the message Emily is clearly trying to send. The candles get high, the window blows open, Bonnie rips the jewel off and throws it on the floor, the candles go out. When the lights come up, the jewel is gone.

a chipmunk turning suddenly with dramatic sound effect

Stefan and Damon are playing catch. And fighting.

Turns out Damon wants the jewel to bring Catherine back.

Bonnie finds the jewel in the bathroom, then gets trapped in there. A lot of wildly unnecessary screaming later, she seems possessed by Emily. Like, they don’t say that, or anything, but again, I know how narratives work.

Damon finally give us a story about the past: when the townspeople were burning vamps in the church, including Catherine, Damon begged Emily for help. She trapped Catherine’s essence or something in the crystal, using the power of the comet passing over, and Catherine’s body is hidden underground, somewhere? Until the body part, that sounded okay, but we lost the thread a little there. The comet had to return before the jewel could be used, and Damon promised Emily that her lineage would survive if she did this, because obviously the townspeople would come for her, too.

Emily tells the other girls that she’s going to finish this, and she won’t let Damon have the jewel, and it must be destroyed. So she doesn’t want Catherine back? Seems weird. Bonnie-as-Emily heads for the churchyard, aka, graveyard raveyard. Damon meets her there, and she says that he can’t bring Catherine back, things have changed, she’s only interested in protecting her family line.

Jeremy finds the box of stuff from his Dad, including a journal from 1864. Jenna comes home with Saltzman, who very studiously stays on the outside of the threshold. She doesn’t invite him in.

Emily saved everyone in the church – all vampires. Can’t have Catherine without the rest of them, so Emily burns them – or she starts a fire, anyway. It goes out, Damon bites the crap out of her, and then she looks dead, even though there’s a shit ton of blood in the human body and a three-second bite is not going to bleed anyone out instantly. (That is a general vampire-fiction complaint; no one ever drinks long enough to kill anyone.) Stefan feeds her his blood and heals her? turns her? both? Who knows.

Matt confesses he’s very lonely to Caroline.

Damon says he’ll leave, now there’s no hope of getting Catherine back.

Emily is no longer possessing Bonnie, who has no recollection of what just happened. Stefan didn’t change her: she will if she dies with his blood in her system, but she’ll be back to human once it passes.

Elena doesn’t break up with Stefan; he breaks up with her instead. Coming back was a mistake; he and Damon are leaving. Elena begs him to stay. He walks away from her, but this is only episode 9, so, y’know.

Jenna rips up a pic of her and Logan from high school. You’ll regret that if you ever figure out he’s dead.

Matt and Caroline have snacks in bed.

LOGAN’S NOT DEAD Y’ALL!!!! He shows up at Jenna’s and asks to be invited in!!!!!!!! And then the episode ends!

Legit, I did not see that coming!

Despite my crankiness, this was not a horrible episode. I just hate the “setting up the gameboard” episodes in any series, and feel like there should be a better way to do this, but unless you’re writing, like, Mad Men or something, you’re not allowed to in Hollywood, I guess. Let’s hope something happens next time!

SGRoA: Vampire Diaries, S1 E8: Candles

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Can you imagine if the entire episode was a fight about scented candles? It would be GLORIOUS. Alas, we have to go back to a Vicki-less Mystic Falls and hope Damon and/or Caroline are up to something entertaining. Let’s go!

We open on the Salvatore home and Stefan waking from a nap or something. He doesn’t feel alone in the house, strange noises, open windows, etc. A female vamp attacks him, but it turns out it’s his bestie, in town for his birthday! Aw, that’s sweet. Mine don’t celebrate shit unless it’s in The Big Book of Empire Rules, or whatever-the-fuck Mircalla calls it.

Turns out Damon and Stefan are the only ones who have the magic rings to deal with sunlight, so that’s an interesting tidbit that will, like all of the mantelpiece guns in this show, surely come to nothing. But it means Bestie has to stay at the house all day, so.

Jeremy is reporting to Sheriff that Vicki went away and is fine, so they can call off the search. Sheriff goes through all of these people to poke a hole in the story, to see if it’s true, blah blah, and of course, all the stories line up because they already made them. Sheriff doesn’t like it, and Matt’s pretty pissed at Stefan, but the real kernel of this scene is Elena breaking up with Stefan.

again.

Damon finds Lexi the bestie trying to nap, and she doesn’t seem to like him much. She accuses him of being “only the bad parts” of a vampire, and I think she meant “only the FUN parts”, because frankly, Damon is the only interesting one on this show.

Bonnie is leaving Grandma’s, because her dad doesn’t want her spending so much time around the “witchy nonsense”. Grandma re-emphasizes that Bonnie needs to be wearing the jewel, not just carrying it. Bonnie wants to give it back to Caroline, but Grandma says no: it’s Bonnie’s, it was their ancestor’s, it was never for Caroline. Bonnie wishes it were prettier.

Jenna and Elena are wallowing in their boy sorrows, because Jenna thinks she got ghosted, not that Logan fuckin died.

patrick stewart making a "yikes" face
yikes on bikes

Jeremy, meanwhile, asks them to keep it down because he can’t focus on his homework, and he’s so behind. No one needs therapy when there’s vampire mojo!

Damon delivers vervain to Sheriff, and she makes sure to tell him it’ll be enough, because it’s a small circle. She also confesses that they may have to consider that the vampire is walking around in daylight, and they’ll look into anyone new in town. Damon offers his help, of course!

Bonnie shows up at Elena’s and asks why Elena hasn’t returned her calls. Is she going to stay in bed forever? Yup, says Elena, so Bonnie curls up next to her to have girl talk, after which Bonnie does some levitation magic to get Elena’s mind off Stefan.

Caroline runs into Damon and starts telling him off before he mojos her and tells her to throw a huge party at The Grill to help Damon solve the “vampire problem”. Oh, and he wants his crystal back. Good luck.

Bestie Lexi tells Stefan to fuck Elena and she’ll be his forever, because vamp sex is that good. I mean, I guess? I’m asexual, though, so like, no sex is ever going to be worth forever on its own. Like, you couldn’t eat a meal of only seasonings: you can’t have a relationship of only sex that lasts “forever”. He waxes philosophical about Elena choosing him and choosing forever.

Elena is 17, btw. Choosing forever.

Lexi offers Stefan blood from a bag, but he says he can’t have human, at all. Another blood-as-hard-drug metaphor. Yawn.

Damon comes in and invites them to Caroline’s party, and Stefan obviously doesn’t want to go, but Lexi does, and the plot needs it, so.

Elena shows up at Stefan’s just as Lexi is in a towel and Stefan is in the shower, and of course Elena jumps to a conclusion, but the salient bit of this is that Lexi now understands that Elena is a Catherine stand-in, and demands Stefan explain himself.

Gonna call it: I like Lexi. Think she’s gonna die within a few episodes? because I do.

Stefan says that Elena’s nothing like Catherine, so Lexi says “so not a heinous bitch, then?” But, like…. ehhhhhhhh. I wouldn’t call Elena not a bitch. She’s just a different bitch.

Lexi goes to the party, but Stefan goes to talk to Elena, even though they’re broken up? Ughghhhgghhhhhhh, I hate neurotypical relationship drama, it’s so boooriiiiiiiiing. Be together, be apart, I don’t care, just stop having dumb fucking conversations where nothing gets said!

Caroline corners Bonnie and asks for the jewel back, but Bonnie says no. Caroline says it makes her look fat (I do not have an eyeroll big enough for this, omfg) and then tries to rip it from Bonnie’s neck! Bonnie asks what the hell is wrong with Caro and walks away. Good job, Bonnie.

Stefan offers Matt support about Vicki.

Damon demands the jewel from Caroline, who says it shocked her. Damon doesn’t know why it does that, and also calls Caro stupid and useless and then goes outside, presumably for some air, but also because dumb teens make out in semi-public dark places where it’s easy to eat them.

Lexi’s hair extensions are hideous. I can’t believe she’s 350 and walking around like that. Girl. Do you not have enough money for a decent stylist? Then maybe don’t get extensions.

A lot of little nonsense scenes: Elena and Damon fight about Stefan. Bonnie tells Caroline not to let Damon treat her badly. Two, three lines tops. Half a minute at most. Bad editing, bad writing, bad pacing. Sheriff’s deputy finds the dead couple. Lexi mojos free drinks and gives one to Elena, who complains that Stefan can’t cut loose or be himself around her. Because they’ve been dating so long, right? This relationship should already be in years-long secure territory? It’s been like 2 months!

Mugatu yelling "I feel like I'm taking crazy pills!"

Also, apparently alcohol dulls blood cravings, so there are a lot of alcoholic vampires. Seems like maybe organizing a series of willing blood donors and preserving/bottling the blood would be ideal, if no one wants to sip and no one wants to kill unless they’re evil? Is this show some weird metaphor for how people in Hollywood seem to feel about food? Whose dissertation on this can I read?

Caro complains to Matt about her bad night. He’s kind, he listens, he tells her her strengths. Aw. Matt’s a nice guy. He doesn’t deserve this show. They run into Sheriff outside, but she lets Matt take Caro home, though no one else is allowed to leave the Grill, given the teen murder and all.

Sheriff takes the un-murdered girl into the Grill, asks her to point out the killer. She points to Damon, who’s talking to Lexi, and Sheriff poisons Lexi’s drink and hauls her out, thanking Damon for the vervain on the way. Lexi vamps out, gets shot, keeps going for the Sheriff, but Damon stakes her?! Stefan and Elena watch from a hidden point, and Stefan says it’s part of the plan? What plan? Damon’s plan? To make you miserable??

Really cannot stress enough how often this kind of sloppy nonsense kills a narrative for me. You have to explain things! You have to set them up so that they make sense when they happen! Shit that comes out of nowhere for no reason isn’t a “surprise” or a “reveal”, it’s a mistake that takes people out of the story.

We get zero explanation yet, either. Sheriff thanks Damon and then we’re watching Matt tuck Caro into bed. Don’t have any idea where Stefan and Elena even are.

Okay, wait, I’m rewinding, because then Stefan is saying he has to kill Damon? Gimme a minute, I’ll be right back.

IT’S PART OF DAMON’S PLAN. They pan from him to Stefan so fast I thought Stefan said it, so this is bad editing. ANYWAY.

Stefan wants to kill Damon immediately, but Elena stops him to save him from himself. Or so she says; I actually think Stefan’s right for once, and should actually take the energy from watching Lexi die and use it to some purpose. But no, we all know we’re just going to talk with Elena some more. There’s a reason I call this show Pretty People Talking (derogatory).

He does give it a try, though! Good for you, Stefan! He ends up only staking him in the stomach, though, because Damon spared him, so now they’re even. And then he just leaves the house. Good job, Stefan. That’ll absolutely change Damon’s behavior.

text in black on a white background that reads "It may be stupid but it's also dumb"

Bonnie has an actual vision of running through the woods, ending up at everyone’s favorite murder mausoleum, hearing a Corvid, and saying “It’s coming”.

And that’s where this disappointing episode ends.

SGRoA: Vampire Diaries, S1 E7: Haunted

I know what I’d prefer to be haunted by, that’s all. Let’s get to it!

Vicki tries to eat Tyler, but Stefan and Damon show up just in time, and Damon mojos Tyler. Opening sting, and then we’re back with Jeremy and Elena. Jeremy wants to join the search party the cops are setting up for Vicki, but Elena tells him he should go to school. He leaves for the police.

Who will probably send him back to school soon, because Vicki calls Matt and tells him she’s fine. She’s taking some time to figure things out, and he shouldn’t worry, and then she hangs up to complain about being locked in the Salvatore home during her transformation.

Nothing about Logan’s death is on the news or in the paper – ah, the paper, do y’all remember them? Newspapers? I loved me a crossword puzzle back in the day. Anyway, the founders are clearly hiding the death – unless Logan, like Vicki, is gonna get bit 45533467875216637578 times before having his neck broken.

Damon has the compass, tho, so that’s something. Also Vicki says she’s hungry and Stefan gives her bottled animal blood. She and Damon say she should have han blood, but she won’t be able to sip yet, so no. Damon and Stefan have a little fight about morality, but Vicki takes the animal blood and asks for seconds.

Damon meets Elena at the door. She calls him arrogant and glib, and he tells her it’s dangerous to go around calling vampires names, but I say you should come up with ever more elaborate insults, Elena. Make a fun game out of it. I perhaps do not have the best sense of self-preservation.

Elena’s there to ask about Vicki. Stefan tells her it’s going to take time, Vicki’s a drug user, there’s a lot going on. Elena says, “So she’s a vampire with issues?” and omg

Data the android laughing on the bridge of the Enterprise-D
Adele - Laughing
woman in a green top doing a spit take

Honey. Sweetie. Elena. THEY ALL HAVE ISSUES, THEY ARE VAMPIRES. They all have issues before they’re vampires, because they’re humans. Have you met people who didn’t have issues? I know I haven’t met anyone untraumatized since 2019, because, uh…. *gestures vaguely at everything* , but also, HUMANS HAVE ISSUES. You have issues! Your brother! No one in this town gets therapy! Vicki was doing all those drugs!

Ahem. Anyway. Bonnie is at her grandma’s, and her grandma is fuckin Whitley Gilbert from A Different World – aka, Jasmine Guy. All of these actors are so much better than this material, it’s not even funny. Anyway, Gran tells Bonnie that they have to remain secret, and Bonnie points out that everyone already knows Gran is a witch. Gran says they also know it’s not true. No on believes, and that keeps them safe.

Bonnie wants to get to the “fun” part of witchcraft, but Gran says it’s dangerous and not fun, and Bonnie needs to be prepared. She needs to learn before she can practice, to be safe. But, like, she’s already practicing? Bonnie is a natural witch, she’s having “visions” where she doesn’t see anything and making fire with her mind and shit. I’d get to the practice faster, Whitley.

Damon overhears the Lockwoods talking about losing the compass and how they might be in danger from the vampire, so there goes any secrecy the founders had.

Tyler offers Matt his support.

Caroline gives Bonnie the jewel.

In her efforts to be my favorite character, Vicki is still complaining. She’s hungry and she has to pee – wait, why, she’s dead! Which she actually says! during a lore lesson where Stefan tells her that caffeine helps their circulation and drinking coffee can help.make them warmer to the touch. Weird, but whatever, I said I would take the lore at face value and I am. She asks how long it’s been since he’s had human blood, with Elena sitting there, for some reason, and Stefan is evasive, as usual. “Years and years.” Feh!

Stefan goes out to get more blood for Vicki – wait, he doesn’t bottle his own?!

NEVER FORGET.

He goes to get more blood, Vicki comes back into the room and Elena immediately starts in on how Vicki has to let Jeremy go. So Vicki threatens her. Delightful! I can’t wait for Vicki and Damon to eat this whole town, Stefan included. Maybe leave Caroline.

Stefan comes back and tries to explain to Elena what’s going on with Vicki. “Imagine every sense in your body operating at super speed.”

“She’s uncomfortable in her own skin.”

“It can be hard to separate your feelings. Love, lust, anger, desire, they all become one urge.”

(Okay, okay, I can’t really separate feelings at all, I had a ten-minute debate with my partner last night about whether or not hungry is an emotion because I think it should be, but I’m alexithymic, what do I know?)

Vicki has run off to hang in Damon’s room, and he comes back from lunch just to tell her he changed her out of boredom. Well, not “just”, but now it’s dark, I guess? He says she’s been cooped up all day and they go to leave, but Damon says she’s bored and they should actually be teaching her. They go to the yard, and Damon shows her super speed, and so she… runs away, obviously. Damon brushes it off with a “My bad”.

She goes right to Matt, where she realizes she needs an invitation, and where Matt starts in on her immediately. Where was she, there’s murdered people in the woods, the cops are looking for her, and no, he’s not going to drop it! What’s wrong with you?! Stefan shows up, but Matt tells him to get lost, because Vicki doesn’t want to see him.

Elena comes home to Jeremy calling Vicki, and she offers that they go to the school Halloween party and maybe forget Vicki for a while? But Jeremy says Vicki got him out of the depression surrounding their parents’ deaths, and he’s not giving her up. I like this scene for 2 reasons: We get a very definite date to place us in time, since everyone is walking around Virginia in October in sleeveless tops, no jackets, an trees in full leaf. And we get a little of Jeremy’s headspace, because I like him, too. I hope he and Vicki can make a go of it.

Vicki texts him that she’s stuck with Matt; will he meet her at the school Halloween thing? Duh. Of course he will.

The school Halloween thing has liquor? Ok, sure. Bonnie isn’t drinking, but Caro is.

The Lockwoods are… late for the school party? I guess. Mr wants to leave, but Mrs wants to finish her drink at The Grill, so Mr leaves her, allowing Damon to slide into the booth instead. So she can flirt wildly with him, of course. She asks if he’s related to Zack, and Damon tries to mojo her into telling him how she knows him, but she’s un-mojo-able. But Zack’s on the Founders’ Council, duh. And she’s left him several messages lately, why won’t he call back? Out of town, says Damon, and it’s news to him that Zack was on the council, too. But if it’s about the vervain, Damon can help. He knows about the vervain? Well,. he’s a Salvatore, so of course! (And therefore he’s absolutely NOT a vampire! which is, I assume, the subtext there. Good job, Damon.)

Matt and Elena have a couple’s costume from last year, sexy nurse and hot doctor. Matt says Vicki’s there, dressed as a vampire, and Elena is immediately off to find Jeremy before he can get to Vicki.

Who is having a lot of trouble navigating a crowd, because she’s starving. Luckily Stefan’s following her and pulls her into an empty room to tell her she should leave, that she’s likely to do something she’ll regret.

Zack had promised the Lockwoods more vervain. Damon asks how many people he needs to supply, and she says their children, friends, family, and the council members. How many council members? Oh, well, Zack knows. Anyway, Mrs is so late, she really has to go or her husband will be unhappy. So Damon asks if she’s happy with the husband, and she calls him out for flirting, but with a smile. He says she started it, and he should escort her to the school. There are so many vampires out tonight!

She laughs and wishes the real ones would be as easy to find, then tells him that they eliminated as a suspect everyone who showed up to the Founders’ Day party during the day. So the council doesn’t know about the rings! And the rest of their suspects were “dead ends”.

Damon shows up at the party and goes for a drink from a cauldron Bonnie is standing at. He asks about Caroline, then notices Bonnie’s necklace – the jewel. He tells Bonnie it’s his, and then tries to take it from her, but power crackles and shocks him and he has to let it go. Bonnie is shocked and runs off; he’s shocked by what appears to be the force of her power.

Vicki finds Jeremy and they go make out in the bus parking lot while Stefan and Elena search frantically. Vicki’s telling Jeremy she has to leave, she can’t stand living with Matt, won’t he come with her? He takes like, zero convincing, and she immediately is nibbling him. She vamps out as Elena comes around the side of the bus. Elena hits her with a board, she throws Elena, Stefan comes out, Vicki runs. Elena and Jeremy try to hide, but Vicki catches Elena and bites her – so Stefan stakes Vicki.

Jeremy keeps screaming her name, and I’m afraid she’s really dead, you guys! She had so much promise! She was so fun! She still has a body, it’s right there, one staking?! After all those times she almost died and didn’t?!?!?!?!

Stefan calls Damon for help with the body, and the story, I presume.

Bonnie has run home to Gran, who immediately tells her the jewel is not a piece of costume junk. It belonged to one of the most powerful witches in their family: Emily Bennett, a greatx3 or 4 or something grandmother.

Damon shows up to help and Elena is mad about it. Damon says none of this nonsense matters to him, and then she’s mad about that. Damon also tells her to leave, because she’s bleeding, and that seems to shut her up for the moment. She walks resentfully away.

Matt snags her as she walks through the party, and Elena lies that she doesn’t know where Vicki is. Matt believes this, despite Elena being an awful liar.

Stefan took Jeremy home, and is waiting for Elena, but she goes right to Jeremy to talk about it. He asks why everyone has to die on him, and…

Matt goes home to an empty, silent house. (Where are their parents?!)

Elena asks Stefan to mojo Jeremy to forget Vicki, and he says he can’t do it, because he doesn’t eat people. Damon has been standing out of frame, I guess, and offers to do it instead. If Elena is sure, he’ll do it. Elena is sure. Vicki’s left town. She told Jeremy not to contact her.

Damon goes into the house, and Elena tells Stefan that she wishes she could forget, too. Forget meeting him, forget everything that’s happened since. But she admits she can’t forget – because she can’t lose the way she feels about him.

a fuzzy orange cat with text reading "excuse me while I barf in my mouth"

SGRoA: The Vampire Diaries, S1 E6: Lost Girls

SGRoA post 116 of 119

Probably not gonna get anyone half as cool as that guy, but you never know! Let’s get started!

So, uh, y’all are gonna think I’m super dumb, and I might be, it’s not out of the question, but – I literally just realized that the stupid “Dear Diary” bits are why the show is The Vampire Diaries. Like. The diaries are the point. Were there books? Did they follow the diary convention the whole time? Because let’s be honest, it’s been 5 episodes and we’ve only seen the diary thing in, like, 2 of them. Just, y’know. In my defense.

Anyway, Elena is trying to come to terms with thinking Stefan’s a vamp. She drives over to his place as he’s charging into the night with a stake for Damon and he opens the door to… what they say is 1864, but Stefan’s coat and hair definitely say 2000s trying to do “history” without a scrap of historical costume knowledge available. I don’t think the carriages are anywhere near correct, either. Oh, and here comes Catherine with her titties out and her hair all unkempt. Feh.

Ms. Banner would never approve

We get the title sting and then we’re back in the Aughts, with Elena demanding to know what Stefan is. He says she already knows, or she wouldn’t be here. She repeats the question, and through teary eyes, he tells us: “I am… a vampire.”

news to this guy

Elena runs away, but he moves faster and cuts her off, which just makes her leave faster. And then he shows up in her bedroom, insisting she’s safe with him, doing nothing to prove it. He tells her he’s a vegetarian, and that she can’t tell people because it’s dangerous, and she just wants him to leave. “If you mean me no harm, you’ll go.” He does. He is supposed to be our good guy, after all.

Damon has eaten everyone at the graveyard party and calls Stefan because he wants his ring. Stefan doesn’t have it and asks what Damon has done. Nothing, he says, because whatever he did is a direct result of being captured and starved. So really, what did Stefan do? Stefan says the town won’t believe anymore animal attacks, and Damon says he knows how to cover his tracks, while burning all the bodies. But what’s this? Vicki’s still not dead!

Stefan and Elena meet for coffee and explanations. He eats, he drinks, the ring explains the sun, holy items don’t work. Damon mojoed Caroline. He’ll tell her everything, and she’ll get to decide what she does with that information.

Logan and the sheriff are at the graveyard rave. Logan says the smell is awful, and asks how he should report this. Sheriff says drug deal gone bad, and then they find Vicki’s ID.

You know? I would have loved to see this show from the vampire hunters’ perspectives. I just think it would be so much more interesting and give so many more plot opportunities. How they came to the knowledge. How true or not they’ve thought it was all these years. How seriously or not they take their pledges to deal with the vamps. Like, just would be better, all around, imo.

sigh

Damon keeps hounding Stefan for the ring, and keeping Vicki alive on his sofa. Mostly by turning her, it’s true, but hey. What’s a guy to do?

Stefan takes Elena to see where his house used to be, and explains that he’s “been 17 years old since 1864”, all while looking straight into the camera with his 30-year-old face. Seventeen my ass, dude, and I know someone who’s been 17 for almost 600 years. She has never been to high school; she would find you offensive. Don’t know if she’d kill you, but she absolutely would hate you.

she’d like that this cover is in Empire colors

He promises he won’t hold anything back from Elena, and yeah, sure, buddy. We believe you. He and Damon were born there, and we go Flashbacking again, to absolutely the worst costumes I’ve ever seen. The boys look like it might be the 1920s, and their shirts are open, no undergarments, in front of Catherine wearing an 1890s hat, titties still out, hair some prom spectacle from 1994, in a polyester dress.

meme mom is horrified

Damon wants to break them up in the Aughts because he and Stefan both loved Catherine. More flashbacks, more bad costumes. We even get the dreaded half-up hairdo! Catherine chose Stefan to take her to the first Founders’ Day Ball, and everyone is looking so well-fed and happy and I’m just…. Virginia! 1864! WTF?!

like, this is the Norfolk Navy Yard that year, feels like we should party!

Yes, yes, rich people have always been above the fray but, like, come ON. Also, is Damon a Confederate because he’s evil? Why isn’t Stefan fighting? Did he just… not? Even though mostly everyone did? Yes, even 17-year-olds?

Feh, I say again. It takes like 30 seconds to Google this kind of shit and keep your audience engaged in the story. I’m super checked out because all of this – bad costumes, bad writing, an inability to understand basic history – has utterly broken my immersion. I’m wondering how they got food to the town to throw a party instead of paying attention to anything else.

And a corset lacing scene with no chemise. It’s like they did a bingo card!

even Nicole disapproves

Turns out Catherine was a vampire, and obviously, she’s gotta be both men’s dame, right? She wanted a polycule but mojoed both guys to not tell the other about the vampirism. Weird way to set up a throuple, but whatever.

Ooh, yay, more town founder vampire hunters! Logan did manage to get the watch from Jeremy. Lockwood – who looks like the Gabriel Macht you get on Wish – takes out the watch part and puts in something that looks like a compass, so I’m guessing it will find the vamps. Seriously, I could watch hours of this, but then we’re off to have a dance party with Damon and Vicki.

And apparently Damon didn’t turn her? because she complains about her life and he says she’s pathetic and then he snaps her neck.

Me, watching right now.

But then we come back from commercial and she’s alive again. The number of this woman’s deaths is too damn high!

Damon says he drank from her, she drank from him, he killed her, now she has to feed to finish the transformation. She doesn’t believe him, says she just wants to go. He tells her to stop by Jeremy’s on her way home, and if she sees Stefan or Elena, tell them to call him.

The hunters are on the prowl. Sheriff gives Logan the compass and some wooden bullets (finally, some good fucking lore!) and some stakes. The bullets won’t kill, but they will slow them down. He’s at the entrance to… the cemetery? no one has said where they’re staking out – heh, staking – but this is some sort of operation to catch the vamp.

Vicki does indeed go see Jeremy, complains she’s hungry and her head hurts, and raids his fridge.

Stefan explains the vervain amulet.

Jeremy calls Matt to help Vicki, and the three of them see Logan reporting on the murders. She freaks out, obviously, but Stefan comes in with Elena at that moment and takes over for the boys who can’t know how to help. He tells Elena that Vicki needs to feed on human blood; if she doesn’t, she’ll die.

I have to say, the woman playing Vicki is great. She is not given a ton to work with (none of them are, let’s be real), and I really feel for her every time she’s on screen! It would be so easy to make her a throwaway character, another dumb druggie bitch, right? But she’s played with such intelligence and sensitivity and a real sense that her bad decisions are all made out of suffering. Oh no. Is Vicki this show’s Miles O’Brien?

Stefan says she has a few hours. Right now she doesn’t remember anything, but as she gets closer to death, she will get those memories back, and then she’ll know she has to choose. “The same choice you made?” snarks Elena to Stefan, and then leaves the room.

I’m sorry, what choice would you have had him make? No one has explained this in words so that Vicki knows what’s going on. She has zero idea she’s gonna be a vamp or a corpse. Did anyone explain it to Stefan? Did he know what he was choosing, or was he – a SEVENTEEN-YEAR-OLD – merely choosing to live, as almost any human would do?

Elena rn

Vicki almost bites Jeremy and runs out of the house to stop herself (BECAUSE NO ONE HAS SAID SHIT TO HER ABOUT WHAT’S HAPPENING). Stefan says he can track her and Elena yells at him to go do that. I hate all these people, my god.

Logan is wandering in the dark forest with his little compass. Who vampire hunts at night? Apparently the sheriff and her deputies, too, because Logan is being pointed toward the cemetery and calls for backup.

Damon shows up at Elena’s and does his little villain dance on the catwalk. He’s the only one having fun here, I love him.

Elena is visibly afraid, so he guesses that Stefan told her about the fangs. There’s the usual posturing and implied threats, the fun snappy dialogue. She makes a quip about Catherine and Damon leaves.

Stefan finds Vicki in the cemetery, and we’ve got like 5 minutes left, so my guess is that we’ll all converge. Ooh, maybe Logan gets eaten? He seems too important, but maybe?

Vicki’s crying: she doesn’t want this, she doesn’t think. But maybe. Will she be better? No, it doesn’t matter, she wants to go home. Will Stefan take her home?

Probably, but Logan shoots him with a wooden bullet before he can answer. Stefan hits the ground, Logan threatens with the stake. Vicki screams No! but it’s Damon who sinks his teeth into Logan, and Vicki who finishes him off, says she’s sorry, and runs away.

Damon takes the compass and his ring and takes off; sheriff and deputies find Logan but no Stefan, so I guess he ran away? despite being woodshot?

sometimes, you do have to include details

Stefan shows up back at Elena’s to bring her up to speed. He says he’ll find Vicki and teach her to eat animals, but what are they going to tell everyone else? A story, he says. A lie, she counters, and then breaks up with him.

Despite her copious tears, don’t think this one’s gonna stick, either! Until next week, Snowflakes!

SGRoA: Vampire Diaries, S1 E5: You’re Undead to Me

SGRoA post 115 of 119

Goob morning! No, wait, afternoon, but since my day is just getting started, goob morning! Let’s see if VD (hee hee, I’m 12) can keep its winning streak going!

Ooh, we have a new exterior shot of the Salvatore home, so the inside matches the outside now, good job! We open on Damon in the dungeon (well, in the basement, but vampires!), so my hopes are sky-high that we get more events that happen because of events before them, instead of the first three episodes’ meandering nonsense. Maybe if it takes 3 television hours for your writers to figure out what they’re doing, you should not make those first three scripts? Call me crazy….

Anyway, Damon in the dungeon. Three days since the party, and Stefan is going on about how vampires used to be reeducated when they were a danger to the community. Yeah, right, sounds very fangy to me, not like human life has always been cheap or like vampires have always been a little more violent than anyone wished. Reeducation. Okay, why not.

Within a week without blood, Damon will be a mummy, unable to hurt anyone. “So you’re just gonna leave me in the basement?” No: when his circulation stops (do they have circulation?!), Stefan will move him to the family crypt, and reevaluate in 50 years. Jesus, this is fuckin brutal, first of all, and I’m the one who invented gross new things made of wood to silence vampires. Second of all, tho, I don’t think it’s going to work, and not only because Stefan told Damon the whole plan like a Bond villain, but that has to be part of it.

Third of all, I was going to get into a lore discussion, but y’know what? I’ve decided not to care. I will take what this show gives me for lore and I will not argue. I’m trying to enjoy this show on its own terms. I mean, I love a soap opera, too – I’ve watched both iterations of Dark Shadows! – I just… this show makes it hard to like it, let’s be honest. But I’m trying!

Elena wakes up and finds Vicki in the bathroom. Go Jeremy, maybe? Jenna knows Vicki is there, but does think Jeremy could try to be crafty about it, but it’s fine. Also, she won’t be home for dinner because she has a date with Logan. How’s Elena’s love life? Cryptic, as usual, and though Elena appears to be over it, we all know you don’t get 8 seasons of soap shenanigans out of permanently breaking up.

Stefan lets Uncle Zack know that Damon is in the basement. Zack is surprised Stefan’s going to school, just like I have been this entire time, but Zack’s objection seems to be just for the day.

Bonnie and Caroline are talking in Caroline’s room before school. Look, I don’t know about y’all, but I’m autistic and school was exhausting. I rolled out of bed 10 minutes before my ride showed up and I certainly wasn’t having all these early-morning convos. These are the least teenaged teenagers ever – and I’m not even talking about the vamps!

pictured: all my scenes before 10 am

Anyway, Caro says she can’t remember what happened at the party, maybe she let Damon bite her? But she’s having a lot of memory problems lately, so who knows? Bonnie asks about the crystal, which is now on a whole-ass gold chain, so again, it’s a jewel, but whatever. Caro says Damon gave it to her – or was going to give it to her, it doesn’t matter, it’s hers now. Bonnie says it’s ugly, and they head to school.

Where Bonnie is hanging around Elena to talk some more before class. (I made it with about 2 minutes to get to my locker and roll up to my first class, but sure, we’re all dressed hours before our day starts in TV High School Land!) Elena is amazed that Caroline is acting like nothing happened (srsly) and Bonnie says Caro is in denial. And then Bonnie says goodbye, because Stefan is here. We’re inching back to “3 lines and we’re done” territory, hate to say it. Also hate that every episode seems to start with morning of a school day and end at bedtime (sometimes of another day, hard to tell). Like, it would make sense if these kids weren’t written to be 27 in all their other interactions.

only one allowed to be the world’s oldest teenager

Elena is … mad? that Stefan didn’t call her for four days? because he was dealing with Damon, which he … called and told her about? And Stefan says she’s right to be angry with him?

I have no idea what’s going on here. She told Jenna she didn’t like the secrecy, so what’s with her now being pissed about the length of time? Is it not done to go four days without a call? I’m from the 90s, y’all, what is this interaction about?!?!?!

They make plans to meet at The Restaurant, which is apparently called The Grill, so I wasn’t far off, after school. Caro comes up to ask where Damon is, and Stefan tells her he’s gone. Permanently. Elena reminds a close-to-tears Caro that this is a good thing.

Oh my God, we don’t have to sit through any of the school day, thank Jeebus. Stefan hasn’t shown up to the grill, so Elena plays pool with Matt. Meanwhile, Zack tells Damon that he’s the reason Zack forwent a human family and that he resents Damon for his very existence. Damon tries to strangle him through the bars on the door in the definitely not a dungeon basement, and Stefan comes home just in time to stop him. Yawn. Not that getting some character stuff from Zack isn’t good, it totally would be, but this scene has been in everything.

Elena and Matt discuss Jeremy and Vicki. Stefan’s an hour late. Matt encourages Elena to spill her problems, and she talks about Stefan’s secrecy again. Matt says he thinks Stefan’s probably okay, but Elena needs to talk to him. Stefan shows up and is cagey about why he’s late, and they start fighting, but are interrupted by an older man saying he recognizes Stefan. Stefan hasn’t aged a day! Elena and Stefan leave the man staring after them – and of course, when Elena wonders what that was about, Stefan gets evasive.

Logan joins the sheriff at the grill. She says they’ve checked all the habitats on the other side of the lake and every vacant building in town, but they can’t find the vampires. Logan offers that it must be a private residence they’re after, then, and no one has a mole in the high school? No one mentioned two men in their thirties at least signing up for classes? Joining the football team? Damon and Stefan haven’t exactly been on the down-low, my god. Everyone in this town is missing half a brain or something.

They still don’t have the pocket watch; Sheriff says it’s passed down through the male line, so Logan should start with Jeremy to find it. So the Sheriff has a whole brain. Dammit. That feels so wrong.

Jenna shows up for their date, cutting off the vampire chat.

At home, Elena tells Jeremy she’s “miserable”, so he tells her to go eat something. Of course, because this is not just written about teen girls, but also apparently by them, Stefan is in the kitchen, making chicken parm and calling the cheese “mootsarell” like he’s from Long Island circa 1990. Like. If I were 16, I would definitely think that finding my crush in my kitchen would be romantic, but I also wouldn’t have put it in a story because unless you get rid of all adults all the time, 16-year-olds do not make each other dinner in each other’s kitchens. Not even adults do this shit, even when it would be achievable and romantic. Mash them Barbies together, girls!

He’s making her dinner so he can talk to her, to tell her everything, so if she breaks up with him, at least she’ll really know whom she’s dumping. So he starts talking about Catherine, but it’s all surface shit and absolutely nothing about her effect on him, which is what I would want to know. Who gives a shit about Catherine’s olive skin or selfishness? What did it mean TO YOU, Stefan? How did she change YOU? Who are YOU?!

Vicki, meanwhile, has found Elena’s leftover painkillers from the car accident over a year ago. Opiates just make me barf, so this would be wasted on me, but she’s excited to get fucked up. Jeremy objects to being high all the time, and Vicki warns him not to try to change her just because they’re together.

Stefan has moved on to books and sitcoms. And music, which he says he loves all of, then mentions a bunch of 70s artists and that he liked “that one Miley song”.

captain kathryn janeway, rolling her eyes

Elena cuts her finger chopping garlic and Stefan freaks out a little cuz he gets her blood on him and he vamps out a little and she notices but of course he regains control, she calls it a hallucination, and they kiss.

Caroline is firming up plans for the next day’s bikini carwash when Damon starts pulling on their psychic bond. The corvid shows up and she shoos it away – or tries, at least.

Stefan comes home and interrupts so they can have two sentences together that cover everything we already know. *sigh*

Bikini carwash is gross. The guys are also washing cars, but they all have shirts on, so. Some girl is mean about someone’s car so Bonnie uses her witch telekinesis to… get water on her.

Look at that. Twice in one ep.

Banter banter banter. Elena says Stefan should take off his ring to protect the stone, which he says is “lapis LATSuli” and, uh, no, it’s LAZ-oo-lie, but whatever. Logan reminds Jenna of making out in the school parking lot, and Elena runs into the guy who recognized Stefan from years ago, when his uncle Jonathan was mauled in the woods by an animal. The older Stefan also had a brother Damon and they look the same, and had the same ring, and it was in June of 1953.

And that’s why you don’t live with humans if you’re trying to be secret, duh.

Damon keeps trying to call Caroline throughout.

Elena goes right to Stefan to ask more questions about his family.

Vicki takes Jeremy to hang with her friends at the cemetery and get high. I love this. I usually get high and then go to the cemetery because it’s the only halfway quiet place around to take a walk, but it would be nice with friends, too!

Elena asks Logan to look up stories from the 50s “for a report”, and it gets him another dinner date with Jenna to help Elena out.

Caroline is finally compelled to help Damon. Who is very sweaty, despite undergoing mummification? Like, I just have really dry skin, and even when I run a fever or something, I just don’t sweat that much. Weird.

Anyway, she opens the door, Zack tries to stop her, but no dice. Damon breaks his neck and runs after Caroline, but she escapes the house after he’s trapped in a beam of sunlight.

Bonnie lights bitchy girl’s car on fire, I assume, but Stefan diverts her attention and the fire goes out. She hopes no one saw, and while I would think that even a short-lived to the point of being momentary car fire would attract some notice, this town is full of half-brains, so nope. No one saw you being a witch, Bonnie, feel free to continue!

Oh, but it was a big enough fire for someone to call Logan about it. Again, I’m assuming, since that’s usually how narrative works, but who knows? He lets Elena have access to the digitized files at the station so she can figure out Stefan’s a vampire and runs off.

Jeremy gets mad at Vicki for taking the painkillers from the house, because Elena will notice if they’re gone. Except they’re a year old and she isn’t using them. I wouldn’t notice that, and I notice car fires, tell you what. Her friends hate him. They have a fight. Honestly, these two would be more interesting than anyone else, except that I’ve seen this rich kid/poor kid small town dynamic eleventy billion times already.

Matt tells Stefan to be honest with Elena.

Elena finds the story she’s looking for, which was clearly filmed yesterday and had filters put on it to make it look old-timey. It doesn’t work, this is an extremely bad prop. But Stefan’s there in the background, haunting the door to his house.

Sheriff asks Caroline what’s wrong, if it’s boy troubles. Caro says if she wants to talk boys, she’ll call her father, who is successfully dating one.

I just love Caroline, Caroline’s my favorite

Stefan goes home and finds a dead corvid, a dead Zack, an empty dungeon.

Elena starts voice-overing about how there’s not supposed to be weird shit in the world, and, girl.

Data the android laughing on the bridge of the Enterprise-D
the world is nothing BUT weirdness

Bonnie shows up at her grandma’s house, talking about how she doesn’t know what’s happening to her.

Light shines through Caroline’s crystal and makes a star pattern.

Logan looks for the pocket watch and gets almost caught by Jeremy.

Elena puts together the vampire clues, both in her mirror and in voiceover.

Damon finds the loser cemetery party and eats Vicki.

Stefan prepares to kill Damon, and is interrupted by Elena at the door: “What are you?”

Aside from the last 15 minutes or so being exhausting, this wasn’t a terrible episode. Not as good as the last one, but they’re definitely trying harder. Until next time!

SGRoA: Vampire Diaries, S1 E4: Family Ties

SGRoA post 114 of 119

featuring not-not-Michael-Gross!

My internet is crazy bad today because it’s windy, but let’s try to do this!

Elena wakes in the night, and it’s another dream – this time, one of Stefan’s. Which Damon… gave him? He says something about how easy it was to get into his head just now. He also says that there’s no more reason to be afraid: they caught the mountain lion who was attacking people! Isn’t that wonderful?

Not really, according to Stefan. Why would Damon cover his tracks? (Because it’s 2008 and you can’t get away with killing indiscriminately in a small town, and you never really could, so he’s been smart about feeding is not the reason, unfortunately.) Because he’s decided to stay awhile, and keep trying to seduce Elena. The vervain, not verbena, amulet stops him from mojoing, it’s true, but he is handsome and maybe rich (vampires should be, imo) and he doesn’t usually have to mojo women, so, like, watch it, male model Stefan.

look at that Blue Steel! Le Tigre!

Damon also mentions his ability to unflinchingly listen to Taylor Swift, which is impressive, Damon! She’s worse at writing than your writers’ room! (I’m sure she’s quite lovely on a personal level, good for her for making money, but that woman has zero musical talent, I’m sorry, it’s true.) And then he stabs Stefan! What?! Just casually shoves a knife in as he leaves the room. Ok. Sure.

This scene went for over four full minutes, btw. I’m very impressed, it was mostly coherent and gave us actual information! Good job!

After the opener, Elena and Aunt… Jenna? Homegirl vanished last episode, I can’t remember her name. Anyway, they’re watching the local news on TV (a thing you could still do in 2008!). Logan Fell is reporting on the mountain lion being caught, and it turns out that Jenna moved away because of a bad breakup with Logan. She doesn’t want to talk about it, though, so they turn to the … safe deposit box that Elena has? Oh, it’s a box that was in the safe-deposit, gotcha. Someone wants to borrow stuff for Founders’ Day, a holiday that seemingly every television show town has, but that I have not once encountered in real life. What about y’all, does your town do this?

Anyway, Jeremy doesn’t want Elena to lend anything out, because “it’s mom and dad’s stuff! you can’t just give it away!” and Elena says it’s a LOAN. Poor Jeremy. Please get him a therapist!

Stefan shows up, and Elena immediately takes him upstairs to make out, during which he notices in the mirror that he’s started to vamp out. Elena calls a timeout, gently, and he agrees they’re getting too hot n heavy. Elena changes the subject by asking him to the Founders’ Day Ball. The party was super important to her mom, who was very involved in the Founders Committee, or whatever made-up thing they call it. It was her favorite party every year, and this is the first since her death, etc, etc, and Stefan says he’ll be pleased to go.

I’m shocked, y’all! These two scenes also lasted several minutes, they led into each other, they follow in a logical progression and nothing has been done and then immediately undone??!!!

shook, y’all! SHOOK

Caroline is trying on dresses for Damon’s approval – I assume for Founders’ Day, because they’re formal. No yellow, he says, and the she says he can’t go with her, because her mom won’t like him, but he mojos her and gets invited. Obviously. OMG, he’s lying on her bed reading New Moon and asking what’s so special about Bella. Damon, I take it all back, you’re my new favorite.

let’s sit together and talk shit about other vampire writers

He misses Anne Rice: “she was so on it.” Caro asks why he doesn’t sparkle: “Because I live in the real world!” (Then give up your magic rings and vervain amulets, thanks.) We also get a good lore convo: he needs the ring to be in the sun, and you can’t become a vamp just from bites. Caroline asks if he’ll kill her, and he says he will, but he needs her still, so not yet!

Damon’s my favorite, I will be taking no questions at this time, thank you.

Tyler is with his parents at The Restaurant, and his mom wants him to focus on Founders’ Day. Vicki comes around as their server, and Tyler won’t talk to her. Dad asks for the check; turns out he’s the mayor? Crazy.

Bonnie and Caroline come in, and Bonnie’s asking Caro to go with her to the party, but Caro says she’s going with Damon. Bonnie should go with Elena, but no-go, because Elena is going with Stefan. Bonnie calls Damon “dangerous”, but Caroline – despite being told in the last scene that he fully intends to murder her – says he just has complicated family problems, which she will tell Bonnie, as long as Bonnie doesn’t tell Elena.

Back to Tyler and Vicki: His parents are gone, so now he’ll acknowledge she exists. But no, thanks, she calls him out on how he treats her like crap, and she’s done. Except… not, of course, because she’s in high school, and all she really wants is to be asked to the party.

Jeremy, seated at the bar, sees all of this and points out that 1. she shouldn’t have to ask to be asked to a party, and 2. she knows she’s making shitty decisions, and yet continues to make the same choices. Jeremy is the only sane person in this town, swear to god.

Back at the Salvatores’, Uncle whoever-I-called-him finds Damon in the living room, “just going through Stefan’s homework” and not understanding why Stefan keeps going to school. Harvard in the 70s made a little sense, but high school? Uncle Zack (that’s his actual name) wants to know why Damon’s here, really, and Damon says it’s just to spend time with family! And then he puts his hand on Zack’s throat and threatens him a little, for a treat, and then leaves.

Stefan finds Zack on the floor, and Zack’s all “you’re in danger! the town’s in danger! danger!”

And Stefan’s all like, yeah, I know, but I would have to drink humans to stop him, so…. And Zack suggests vervain, but Stefan reminds him that it hasn’t grown in that town since 1865, “Damon saw to that” and like. Buddy. Guy. Have I got news for you!

Also, you can apparently eat people without killing them, so WHAT IS THE PROBLEM. Seems like you’re keeping yourself down for no clear reasons, like every “noble vampire” guy since we invented sexy vampires. Yet another reason Damon’s my fave. Stefan:Nick Knight :: Damon: Lacroix.

Zack takes him down to the basement where he has a whole vervain grow operation. It’s 2008 in Virginia, if you can grow fussy herbs, you could grow less-fussy ones and make wayyyyyyy more money. Just sayin’.

Y’all. We’re only 15 minutes in? I can’t believe I have so much to say this week!

Tyler shows up at Elena’s for the box of history stuff, and so he and Jeremy can yell at each other a little. This is the first useless scene in this episode, and I don’t even think it’s that useless. Just too short to get anything accomplished, really.

Bonnie comes over to do Elena’s nails for the party, and to tell her what Caroline told her not to repeat: Catherine chose Damon, so Stefan told her a bunch of terrible stuff about Damon, and she ended up believing Stefan and leaving Damon. Elena says that’s none of her business; Bonnie insists it is, because obviously Stefan is a manipulative liar. Elena defends him, and Bonnie points out that Elena can’t know that Stefan did or didn’t tell a bunch of lies to break up a relationship.

Stefan and Damon are getting dressed. Stefan says they should keep a low profile, seeing as they were at the first Founders’ Day party. Damon says he’ll make sure Elena has a good time, since Stefan isn’t going. Stefan complains about just wanting to live his life. Damon: “You’re dead, dude. Get over it.”

Jeremy filched a pocket watch from the antiques box, but they need to give it to Tyler’s mom for the history bit of the party. Elena accuses him of selling it, but he just took it, since it’s passed down to oldest sons. He tells her to take it and get out.

Oh, Stefan wasn’t getting ready: he brought scotch in to Damon’s room because it was spiked with vervain. He’s not even dressed when Damon pours a glass, then pours it out on the carpet and complains about going to the party angry. He thought they were having a moment!

No, wait, Stefan does get dressed. Zack thought that plan would work, he was sure! Stefan wasn’t.

There’s a huge receiving line to get into the party. Vicki’s waiting in it, when Tyler leaves his parents and leads her around back, because “the line’s too long”. Uh-huh. Not because you don’t want to have to treat her properly in front of your parents (whose house this is, I guess? They were greeting the line, so.).

Caroline’s mom is a cop, working the party, in uniform. She asks who Damon is, and Caroline says he’s basically no one. Mom says he’s too old for Caro, who shoots back, “because if he was younger you’d approve?” Mom asks where Caroline’s dad is, and she says, “Memphis.” Mom says good, and Caro adds, “with Stephen” as she walks away. Ooh, did mom get left for a gay? I love it, I hope Dad is living his best life with Stephen.

especially Caroline’s mom!

So party party party….. A bunch of stuff around the house is from the town’s families, on loan for the party to show off the Founders, I assume.

hopefully not this kind

Jenna runs into Logan, who doesn’t even dodge her barbs; he ignores them and asks her to dinner. She says no and hoofs it out the room.

Elena finds the first Founders’ Day guest list from 1864, showing off how everyone running this town has always run it, and finding some familiar names. Before Stefan comes up with anything, Damon and Caroline pop up, Damon talking about how those were their ancestors, obviously. Caroline says she’s bored and wants to dance, and takes Stefan because Damon refuses. No doubt some little machination of Damon’s, but I don’t think it’s gonna pan out.

Also, why the fuck would a small town in Virginia have a party in 1864?! Was anyone alive? Did they have any food or anything? Like, I know that obviously not every single town would have been in dire straits, even in Virginia, but, like, this feels like a very weird year to choose to have all your vampy goings-on. The midst of war is not usually a time for small towns to have big, fancy parties.

So Damon starts telling Elena about their ancestors, about how all the men in the family are cursed with sibling rivalry, going all the way back to the original Salvatore brothers. Their name was practically royalty in the town until the war. Like… the war they were in the middle of when they had their party?! The turning point was the Battle of Willow Creek, where Confederate soldiers fired on civilians in a church. Damon says the civilians were thought to be Union sympathizers, so the founders wanted to burn the church down with the people in it.

But Catherine was in the church, and they went to rescue her and got shot dead outside. Elena blows by all the questions about Confederates and war crimes and how, in the middle of shit like that, anyone was having a party, and tells Damon she can’t get in the middle of their family shit, sorry, please move on.

Tyler has, of course, hid Vicki the entire night, and now will neither dance with her or show her around, because he’s hiding her. Vicki calls him on it, again, and sticks to her guns this time, only to be interrupted by Tyler’s mom! She’s very polite, but Vicki goes, and she tells her son, “That’s what you get for bringing trash into the party.” Bitch! Your kid is the trash, ma’am, make no mistake.

Bonnie lights a candle with her mind, so that’s pretty cool!

Stefan and Elena reunite and dance.

Logan apologizes to Jenna, and gives condolences for her sister’s death. But Jenna’s not having it, because he cheated on her. Thanks for the condolences, tho!

Stefan doesn’t want to talk to Elena about Catherine, but she tells him that he can, if that ever changes. Also, she’d like to, y’know, KNOW him. He tells her to let Catherine go, that Damon is turning her against him, and she says it must be working, and leaves. But like, she’s right: he tells her nothing about himself, vaguely brings up his ex and then refuses to talk about that, too – so what is Elena to believe? He won’t open up, and other people whisper in her ear. Why wouldn’t she believe them, when he won’t say anything?!

Mrs. Lockwood (Bitch) asks Elena where the pocket watch is, and Elena says she couldn’t find it. I don’t know why she didn’t bring it to the party, weird.

Damon takes a jewel (tho he calls it a crystal) from a hidden compartment in one of the boxes of artefacts. Caro tells him not to steal and he points out it’s not stealing if it’s his.

agreed

Logan apologizes again, because someone in that writers’ room really wants to mash these Barbies together. Jenna says yes to a lunch.

Bitch Lockwood berates a cater waiter because the candles aren’t lit in the dining room. Bonnie watches this, then lights them all with her brain.

In the ladies room, Caro hints that Stefan likes her to Elena, but Elena notices something under her scarf – the bite. Elena is concerned, but Caro tells her to mind her business and runs out.

Elena goes right to Damon and tells him to stay away from Caroline, or she’ll go to Caroline’s mom – the sheriff. She then goes to Stefan and tells him he was right about Damon, and she shouldn’t have doubted him. Caro has bruises everywhere – bite marks! Why doesn’t Stefan look surprised? He’s handling it, he says, and there are things he can’t tell her. She needs to trust him. Trust is earned, she reminds him, and before he can, he runs off.

Vicki shows up at Jeremy’s, because of course. I expect that will last exactly until the next episode.

Caroline tells Damon she didn’t tell Elena anything, that Elena pulled the scarf and saw but Caro didn’t give him up, please don’t be mad, and damn, girl. This relationship is no good, baby. He eats her, of course, but while Stefan couldn’t poison Damon’s drinks, he could spike Caroline’s. It only took a sip to incapacitate him, too. He drags Damon away to a cell.

Caroline wakes up and finds the jewel, just as Elena comes over. Caroline starts shaking and crying; must be the mojo wearing off. Elena comforts her.

In the house, a group of founders gathers. Lockwood is still looking for the pocket watch, not believing Elena’s white lie. Logan says he’ll get it, because they need it. They need all the artefacts. Five bodies drained of blood can mean only one thing: The vampires are back.

You guys! What! What happened?!?! We have plot. We have foreshadowing. We have actual human emotions and responses!!!!!

I’m really excited for next week!!!!

SGRoA: Vampire Diaries, S1 E3: Friday Night Bites

SGRoA post 113 of 119

Cute title, I love it. The still on Peacock has little James T. in a football jersey, adorable. Also, Scaredy Cats on YouTube is doing a Forever Knight marathon, one episode a day, so if you want EVEN MORE RECAPS, you should absolutely check Mildred out, they’re amazing.

Apparently it’s going to be super cold here this weekend, maybe a little snow, and I am psyched! All my neighbors stay in the house and shut the fuck up when it’s cold, which keeps my little bass-hating heart (and ears) happy. So let’s celebrate with another 42 minutes of absolutely nothing happening!

We open with “Previously on….” and, like, I don’t want to shit on people who like this show, but really? Even at one episode a week, there’s not enough going on here for you to need a reminder, is there? I assume that as the show goes on, it’ll be more like Buffy or X Files, in that the “previously” will have scenes from several seasons, and will tell you not so much what already happened, as it tells you what recurring themes and/or characters are going to show up. But for this one, it’s just fog and Catherine and Caro getting bit.

We begin with Caroline, waking up and seeing a truly gross wound on her neck. Do these guys bite with all their teeth? Weird. And ew. And Damon, start cleaning up after yourself.

So she freaks out, Damon wakes up, and she starts throwing things at him. But she’s dressed in a nightie? So at some point after the sex, she got up, presumably used the bathroom, put on a nightie, put away her other clothes, and never looked at her neck? And Damon couldn’t be bothered to heal her. And then he vamps out, I assume attacking her again, but we get the opening screen before it resolves.

seriously, tho. also, now I have to join the subreddit, sigh

Bonnie and Elena show up to school still discussing dating. Bonnie now thinks Elena should play the field, and not settle on Stefan, since she had a non-visual vision about him. But Elena says Stefan is a big part of her world starting to feel normal again. It’s been anywhere between three days of school and, I dunno, three months? Either way, no, Elena. No.

Vicki got tix to see The Posers when they play The Rat. Jeremy tells her to have fun with Tyler. She wants him to go, and she’s not worried that anyone will know she fucked him, because she’s with Tyler, officially, I guess? But Jeremy gets butthurt that she was just fucking him for drugs, which she doesn’t deny, but she does wish he’d drop it.

Stefan tells Elena that Bonnie doesn’t like him much, and Elena says that’s because “she doesn’t know you”. Uh-huh. Because you do, I suppose. Some friend of Matt’s watches Elena and Stefan and tries to get Matt riled up? Oh, it’s Tyler talking, I had no idea he looked so much like Eric Balfour, I haven’t been paying that much visual attention.

Tyler throws the football at Stefan, who throws it back like a vampire, so then he and Elena have to discuss his football career as they enter the school. She says he should join the team, he says he shouldn’t. I, very shockingly, cannot care.

They keep talking about it in history, where literally no one knows when WW2 ended or when the US joined it, and also the teacher calls on someone the captions say is “Miss Juan” but who, given her being Asian, is probably a Miss Wan or Won. I love extra jokes in the captions, delightful.

And then the history teacher gets into, like, a date fight with Stefan? Who knows a bunch of dates that no one could possibly know from a basic education up till this point!

Wait, no, I’m sorry, it’s a bunch of dates that most people should know? Civil Rights Act, 1964. JFK assassination, 1963. Roe v. Wade, 1973. Lincoln’s assassination, 1865. Korean War, which finally trips Stefan up, supposedly, but no, he’s right, teacher is wrong, and now he’s got it in for Stefan. Who tells Elena he knows all that because he’s a loner who reads. Because she asked. Because my god, how could anyone KNOW all those FACTS!

Mugatu yelling "I feel like I'm taking crazy pills!"
y’all, I’m not that smart, and not a history buff

Stefan changes his mind and tries to go out for football, but History is the coach, and he doesn’t want to let Stefan try out, but he relents, just to see Stefan get his ass kicked. He won’t, obviously, why bother setting this shit up.

Elena goes to… cheer practice? maybe? who knows. But Caroline, who wasn’t in class and has been ignoring Bonnie’s 100 texts, shows up to practice in Damon’s powder blue convertible. Vampire? Maybe, but it’s daytime, and I didn’t see 🪄 magic ring 🪄, so.

Oh, we’re back from commercial, and just… still at practice. Elena walks away from cheer because Caroline puts her in the back and is driving them too hard, maybe? Unclear. Stefan aces his tryout, even though Tyler doesn’t like him, either.

Back at home, Damon is reading Stefan’s diary, doing his best Lacroix impersonation, but falling extremely short. He says he wants to make up with Stefan, but then laughs about it, so I guess it was a joke? I really cannot stress enough how opaque everyone’s actions are, and how absolutely none of the dialogue or facial expressions help with any of it. It’s just mashing Barbies together. “Oh, this will be such a cool line”, and then none of the work to settle it nicely in its environment. It’s the bad, fast architecture of cities, only in television form.

every building looks like this, somehow.

Bonnie is still on her witch kick, this time obsessing over the numbers 8, 14, 22. Apparently we got the FBI raid of Mar-A-Lago on 8/14/22, so that’s nice, but probably not what it’s referencing, given this was 08. Lizzie Murphy became the first woman to play Major League baseball in 1922, but also, probably not what Bonnie’s obsession is about. Shame. Some League of their Own shit might liven the place up.

She and Elena and Stefan are all having dinner together, with takeout at Elena’s house, where her Aunt and brother are… not. Look, if you want a show where characters get to just do whatever, whenever, MAKE THEM ADULTS. I’ll overlook a ton if these are people in their 20s, but how do you just… disappear a family so we can have happy fun play adult time?

Anyway, Damon and Caro show up, uninvited, and Stefan tries to make Damon leave, but it’s… too rude, or something? I don’t know, Elena just lets them in, seemingly tired of Stefan and Damon fighting. After like 2 days of acquaintance. Sure, fine. This is absolutely how human beings behave.

ugh, thank god

Tyler grabs Vicki’s ass at the restaurant, and she tells him not while she’s working. Jeremy is watching sadly from a table with Matt, until he gets up and starts a fight with Tyler to impress Vicki, or something. Who knows. Once again: definitely how humans behave.

Damon helps Elena do the dishes, and she asks about Catherine, whose name is spelled with a C in today’s captions! Apparently they both dated her? But Damon won’t say much more, and they chat about cheerleading instead until Bonnie comes in. Leaving Stefan and Caroline alone, so Stefan can interrogate her about her scarf and why she can’t take it off – until Damon comes back in and mojos Caro to help Elena in the kitchen, so HE can be alone with Stefan, and Stefan can lecture him about using Caroline like a juice box and Damon can threaten to use Elena similarly, now that he’s gotten his invitation into her house.

Everyone goes home except Stefan, and while they’re making out in Elena’s room, he turns into Damon – because this is a nightmare (not just a strange dream). Oh, but Corvid on the windowsill! Damon’s affecting dreams? How? Why?

Next morning, Elena gets out of the shower with a full face of makeup on, so she does have some talent, let’s give credit where it’s due! She stares at herself in a mirror, and that’s the whole scene. I am not complaining that nothing happens hyperbolically. Nothing is literally happening in more than half these scenes.

At the pregame festivities, Stefan gives Elena a necklace that smells. Rose? she asks, and he says no, it’s “an herb”. That’s it. An herb. I assume we’ll find out what kind of herb – because this is clearly a protective amulet or somesuch, I know how fantasy works – we’ll find out when the writers think it finally matters, or can be a cliffhanger or bombshell or whatever, but again – THIS IS NOT HOW HUMANS BEHAVE.

Also at the festivities, History prof singles out Stefan as the great hope of the football team, who have apparently been losing for years. Tyler gets mad about Stefan starting even though he’s new and slips away from the… pep rally/bonfire/whatever the fuck they have going on. I went to almost every home football game in high school (everyone did, small town, had friends in band), and nothing even vaguely resembling this ever happened. Hence, “festivities”.

Me, watching right now.

Tyler runs into Vicki, and then sees Jeremy drinking over her shoulder, so he starts a fight, of course. Stefan breaks it up, Tyler tries to hit him and it doesn’t do much. Jeremy tries to stab Tyler with the broken bottle, but gets Stefan in the hand, but of course it heals immediately, confusing Elena who showed up conveniently to ask about Stefan’s cut. This is not how you drop breadcrumbs, but whatever, 10 minutes left.

Oh, remember at the big bonfire, how “cold” it was at night? Well, it’s football season in Virginia, and the cheerleaders are all wearing sleeveless uniforms and Elena is running around in a halter top. When is this? Nobody knows!!!!!!

Elena asks Bonnie about her Stefan vision. Bonnie says she felt death.

Damon surprises Elena at her car, saying he’s hiding from Caroline because she talks too much. You know what? Damon’s the only person who seems to talk like a human at any given moment, props for that, Damon. You’re awful, and not nearly as charming as you should be, but you are trying.

He tries to mojo Elena, but can’t, presumably because of the amulet. She slaps him and walks away.

Matt shakes hands with Stefan, trying again to be friendly, and wishes him “good luck tonight”, when it’s been night for seemingly hours of show time. They’re playing tonight, tonight?! God, I just want, like, some sort of counter or calendar or fucking SOMETHING. WHEN ARE WE.

Damon calls Stefan out on the verbena amulet, so we didn’t even save that reveal for a pivotal moment. Perfect. They have a little fight about Damon being a dick to Stefan about Catherine all these years (145, they say), and Stefan says something about Damon still having humanity, so Damon eats History Prof when he comes around the corner looking for Stefan.

This is also not how vampires behave, but whatever.

Matt and Tyler get into a spat in the locker room, so Matt walks out,only to immediately find History’s body. Ambulance called, game called off, I assume, and Bonnie realizes that History’s blood is spilled next to Caroline’s car? I have to assume, because she looks at the license plate and then the blood and then has some sort of reaction, a lot of heavy breathing and crying.

Elena and Stefan talk about the “animal attack”, and she mentions his not-cut hand again, but he brushes it away and then they hug.

Stefan decides there’s nothing human left in Damon, because a human being has never been a relentlessly evil asshole before. Ok. Sure. But it gets us to the point of the plot, which is that they fight each other. All the time. Over a woman who’s been dead for almost two centuries.

Till next time, kiddos – and keep an eye out, because I think I’m going to start doing 2 recaps a week! Double your misery, double no fun!

SGRoA: Vampire Diaries, S1 E2: Night of the Comet

SGRoA post 112 of 119

Ugh, that title makes me think of Archive 80? 88? on Netflix, which was weird and amazing and cancelled after 1 season because Netflix. There was a whole thing about Haley’s Comet, it was so cool. Anyway, let’s get started!

We start with a Metric song, one that’s on my vampire playlists, too. Little different when it’s about Josephine, imo. A couple is camping in the woods, waiting to see the comet. He goes outside, she hears rain, obviously it’s his blood dripping down on the tent. Hey, Damon, maybe you wouldn’t have to kill so many people if you didn’t waste food!

Dear diary: Elena can sense change, and Stefan is *awake*. They’re both very hopeful and pinning their good moods on the other, which in no way is a good idea, in case you wondered. I mean, I know I have a lot of emotional advantages because of the alexithymia – I will never have an emotion and immediately think I should act on it, for example – but anyone can separate their overall mood from another person, and you should. Regulate your own selves, my loves. It’s actually much easier that way.

Aunt Jenna is off to Jeremy’s parent-teacher conference, which again, feels like a thing the writers wanted to happen, not an actual parent-teacher conference. For one thing, it’s still August! It would be back-to-school night, if anything. Meetings first thing in the morning on the maybe? second? week of school are trouble, Jenna. No wonder you’re asking Elena if you look adult enough.

Jeremy left early to visit Vicki in the hospital, but she’s asleep and it’s not visiting hours, so he’s led away by a very nice nurse, so you know she’s probably not in the profession anymore. America gets better by the day!

Stefan and Elena make eyes at each other while history teacher talks about the comet, and then that’s the end of class, and Elena borrows Stefan’s copy of Wuthering Heights, with the byline of Currer Bell. It must be like a first or second edition then, yes? and he says he’s read it several times…. Should anyone be touching this book? Is it even able to go, like, out? Should it be anywhere near a high school?!

I would just absolutely love to visit the planet where they grow tv writers, it must be so bizarre.

Bonnie is still going on about being descended from Salem witches, as if any of that were more than petty small-town power struggles. Caroline saw some hot guy while drunk… last night? The bonfire was LAST NIGHT? How the fuck is time working in this show? You have big drunken bonfires on school nights?

no! I have no idea!

Jeremy tries to start some shit with Tyler about Vicki, and threatens to kill him. Hope that comes up again later, but my hopes are very low.

Elena chats with Matt about Vicki, conveniently in a place Stefan can overhear, and apparently Vicki said she was attacked by a vampire? I missed that.

The history teacher also teaches Jeremy, and that’s who Aunt Jenna is meeting with, because Jeremy has missed 6 classes because he’s on drugs. How long has this school been in session?! Yesterday was the first day, but he’s missed 6 history classes? Days of classes?

Y’all, I know this seems like I’m nitpicking or being a bitch for no reason, but this is extremely basic shit that I find intensely confusing when I watch shows. All these disjointed scenes and weird time jumps I could overlook if they didn’t insist on contradicting themselves and setting up absolutely insane plot points that no human has ever experienced. Drunken teen bonfire on a school night? No one plans that, come on. School started yesterday, 6 classes gone? On what planet? School started yesterday, parent-teacher conference today? Why? I have a novel I haven’t released yet because I realized – after several rounds of edits and beta readings – that I had written about 7 weeks’ worth of plot for 3 weeks of book time. Now I have to go back and fix the timeline, which is an enormous pain in the ass, but I refuse to let a book go on sale when it’s confusing and poorly edited!

Shit like this – dumb shit, shit that no one thought to check because “why would it matter?” – is the easiest way to lose an audience, I guarantee. Or maybe not, maybe everyone is very stupid and doesn’t care, this damn thing went on for 8 seasons, but still. If you want to be GOOD at writing, don’t put in nine different time schemes and then wonder why people have no idea what’s going on in your story – or why they don’t seem to care much.

MOVING ON

Anyway. It seems like History is going to ask Jenna out? But then he just says that raising teenagers is “extremely impossible” and the fact she didn’t say that means she sucks at it.

I didn’t find it difficult at all, and impossible is self-limiting, like unique

Stefan now goes to visit Vicki, after overhearing “vampire”. Matt’s already there – wait, no, Stefan came before? and we have a weird flashback of him mojoing Vicki that it was an animal attack? And then she has some weird fit or PTSD flashback or something? And Stefan jumps out an open window? Welp. Don’t really know what any of that was about.

Bonnie’s grandma says the comet is a bad omen, and the last time it went over, there was a lot of death. But, Caroline reminds us, Grandma’s a drunk, so let’s talk about why Elena and Stefan haven’t fucked yet! I dunno, Caro, because it’s been one…day? Ok, no, I don’t feel comfortable with that assessment of time, so… because not everyone is a slut like you and me? But let’s be clear, here: I kind of love Caroline already. “What’s to think about? Boy and girl meet Boy and girl like each other. And then: sex!”

mmm, I love cake

Elena hops up and goes to… fuck Stefan, apparently.

Jenna picks up tacos for dinner and gives Jeremy half a lecture about weed, of all things, before she turns her back on him and he leaves the house.

Vicki is awake, feeling fine, saying she was attacked by an animal. We get more than 2 lines in this scene only because Jeremy shows up while Matt is still there! Vicki thinks that Matt is suspicious of Jeremy because of the hooking up, but no, it’s because she said vampire and then changed it to animal, duh.

Elena shows up at Stefan’s Craftsman-on-the-outside, French-Country-chateau-on-the-inside, and no one seems home, but oh noez! Corvid! Damon’s home. Ian Somerholder’s hair is absolutely awful in this scene, very distracting. Anyway, he tells Elena about Catherine, whose name is apparently spelled with a K, but not on this blog. We only make an exception to the proper spelling for Janeway. Stefan shows up and cuts that short, then stares hard at Damon for almost a full minute, despite Elena leaving the room.

No, wait, the house? Wasn’t she here to jump his bones? Why did she just leave? Oh, and Damon and Stefan get their 2 boring sentences about humans v. vampires in.

Oh, Elena tells Jenna that Stefan is “on the rebound and has family issues”. Is that why you left? Does that really affect the decision to fuck a guy you’ve known for 20 minutes, though? You weren’t there to propose?

Y’all, I’mma use up all the world’s question marks, damn. I just do not have a clue here.

Pictured: me, I guess?

I’ll say one thing for the ridiculous scene length: it does make the episodes go very fast. Vicki’s having dreams about Damon all vamped out, still in the hospital.

Bonnie and Elena have a weird “conversation” (5 sentences) about dating, and they literally sound like 40-year-olds. Oh, and they’re handing out flyers? for the comet festivities? the…same afternoon? Anyway, “at least I put myself out there!” says Elena.

Discount Rick Grimes asks if Elena’s worth it; no real answer from Stefan.

Vicki’s out of the hospital, asking Jeremy for drugs.

Everyone is in the town square or the green or whatever for the comet, and they’re all lighting candles like it’s an Easter service, while staring up at a mostly motionless, huge-ass comet. Looks like it’s in the atmosphere, huge. This one we’ll ignore, I understand it’s for story purposes.

Elena and Stefan make up after he apologizes “for yesterday”, so at least this isn’t the same day! They talk around Catherine, vaguely, the way everything happens to these people. Elena’s life is “too complicated to even think about dating”, but NOTHING IS HAPPENING, ELENA. NOTHING.

this is why I blow shit up in my stories

Damon is hiding inside the main restaurant set where Vicki is, for some reason. She says she knows him, he says that’s unfortunate, she goes to take her pill in the bathroom, Damon attacks her again.

Jeremy lets the Vicki cat out of the bag, so to speak, to Elena and Caroline and Tyler, who are now also in the… restaurant? which is now full of people? Whatever, they all go looking for Vicki, and Elena tells Jeremy again to get his shit together.

Matt asks Stefan if he’s seen Vicki, he says no, but he did see her at the hospital yesterday, and then Matt says he’s always looking out for Elena, which is a conversation that 1. makes sense, and 2. is totally how humans talk.

the writers are from France

Stefan hears Vicki and Damon, so he heads to where they are, on top of a building. Damon is trying to prove that Stefan can’t mojo if he’s not eating people, and Vicki says that Damon did it, but then Damon mojos her to say Stefan did it, rips off her bandage, and shoves her at Stefan. We’ve seen this fight a million times, right? It’s only good in Interview, when Claudia demands a caretaker from Louis, let’s be honest. Damon then mojos Vicki so none of that ever happened, and she just thinks it’s the painkillers.

Stefan goes back to the restaurant (so much back and forthing), where Matt thanks him for finding Vicki, and then Stefan asks Bonnie and Caroline where Elena is, but she’s gone home. Bonnie give him Elena’s number and email and tells him to text, but she touches him when she gives him the paper and has another non-visual vision. “What happened to you?” she says, frightened, but, like, clearly nothing! This whole show has been so far 84 minutes of ABSOLUTELY NOTHING HAPPENING.

Jenna is searching Jeremy’s room when Elena gets home. Everything she finds is pot. I – well, I’m from a legal state and I gently parented my kiddo, so I don’t understand any of this nonsense. Maybe get the kid… I dunno, uh… THERAPY?!

Jeremy sees Vicki and Tyler kissing.

Caroline gets attacked while wearing the world’s worst outfit. No wait, she just runs into Damon? They sure built it up to an attack, but then they just talked.

Despite seeing the comet earlier, Elena goes to Stefan’s and drags him into the yard to look at it again. She was just going to go home (she was home) and write things in her diary that she should be saying to him, so she does – and still starts “Dear Diary”? Anyway, they like each other, and Stefan has the mentality of a 15-year-old, so it’ll all be fine. They kiss.

Oh, Caroline took Damon home! And he bites during sex, and then the episode ends. Damon. My guy. Stop it. Honestly, I don’t have a lot of enforcement mechanisms in my vampire world, but I’d invent some just for him. Might invent some for him anyway, bump him off in the next Imperial Vampires joint if he doesn’t shape the fuck up, just so I can feel like someone punished him.

Until next week, Daimons!

SGRoA: VAMPIRE DIARIES, S1 E1: Pilot

SGRoA post 111 of 119

Yes yes yes, Snowflakes! Because I have Peacock for a while, and because I haven’t seen this show before, AND because it stars James Tiberius Kirk, apparently?!?!?!, I will be recapping Vampire Diaries, aka Pretty People Talking. Yes, you read that right: I’m a slut for Star Trek. Let’s get started!!!!

We are off to a great start, with a deep mist shrouding the forest and a voiceover about being alone for centuries. Lol. Look, man, if you don’t know how to make friends, fangs can’t do the work for you.

Two people driving through the forest, chatting about a… concert, I think? Guy sounded like James Blunt, we already have a James Blunt, they drove an hour each way! Of course they suddenly hit the fog, and then the guy standing on the road in the fog, just as we drive out of cell range. Of course it’s a vamp, and of course both these people die, and then we get a little title sting.

And the hits keep coming! Our main guy, who is the voiceover and the killer, I assume, is now talking about how he should never have come home… but he had to KNOW HER. Cut to a teenager writing “Dear Diary”, and we are in for a RIDE, my loves. This show is gonna suck, I hope in all the best ways.

The diary entry is all exposition: dead parents, depression that’s stopping TODAY, because it’s the first day of school. So these relationships are all going to be exceptionally age-appropriate, wonderful. She lives with a woman doing a Ph.D and a dude. There is no indication of who these people are in relation to her.

In the car on the way to school, the girl driving our girl (my god do I hope people get names soon) says her grandma says she’s psychic, because their relatives are from Salem. I’m glad I’m not doing any sort of substance game with these cliches, I’d be the first known marijuana fatality already.

MAIN GIRL’S NAME IS ELENA, thank you, damn. A bird or something hits the car, and Other Girl pulls over after a brief flirtation with losing control. She then tells us exactly what we just witnessed: “It was like a bird or something, it came out of nowhere.” Good to know I don’t actually have to, y’know, WATCH the show, they’ll recap it all for us! Also, this is right after OG gets on Elena for looking out the car window like she’s zoned out for the last hour or something, instead of enjoying the scenery while listening to a friend. But OG seems way too invested in car eye contact – you know, when neurotypicals have to be dangerous as fuck so they can carry on a conversation in a car? Such a deficit, they should get some ABA for that – so I guess Elena not drilling holes into the side of her face with her eyeballs is some sort of slight, I guess.

Anyway, the point of all that with the bird and whatever is just to establish once again that Elena’s parents died in a car crash, and maybe that she was in the car? That part is much less clear than the bird thing, so I know the writers really have their priorities straight.

Guy in black leather jacket over black hoodie with black sunglasses enters the high school. Do you think that’s him? Our vampire?!?!?!

Elena and OG are walking in, too, and OG wants to call someone the t-slur?! Damn, girl, wtf. Even back in the day that wasn’t acceptable, at least not in my circles. This is from 09, y’all. Not. Acceptable.

Elena waves at a guy in a letter sweater, but he doesn’t wave back. Ex, apparently. And gets concern-attacked by someone named Caroline.

Outside, the school drug dealer is giving pills to a girl, whose boyfriend walks up and makes some sad early 2000s references. Oh, the drug dealer is Elena’s younger brother.

Elena and OG walk by the office, where James T. is signing up for HIGH SCHOOL, which – okay, I’mma go on a tangent here.

Look, I get why it makes financial sense to have teenagers in your vampire stories. I do, I understand capitalism and how it fucks with art, I’m not a child, it’s fine. But. I am wildly uncomfortable with the romances that then must, by definition, exist in these stories. Like. A 30-year-old Josephine and a 600-year-old Grant is bad enough. You get around it with some character work and the understanding that 30 is usually considered grown enough to make bad choices (for fiction’s sake, at least). But these are LITERAL CHILDREN, and while I don’t think teens are incapable of good decisions, I do think they’re not capable of the kinds of complications that come with relationships with immortals. In short:

I also think that no vampire would go to high school. Ever. For any reason. Like, come the fuck on. Literally no one would go to high school if they didn’t have to.

Anyway, he mojos the secretary into thinking he has all his transcripts and whatevers, so he can go to high school, instead of just, like, lurking. You really wanna have homework and be expected to be in class, Jim? I don’t, and I’m very human and only 46, so, like, yeah. Tell me another, young adult vampire writers.

Elena runs into her brother and yells at him for being stoned on the first day of school. She’s gonna “ruin his buzz” every time, because she “knows he’s not this person”. I mean. Kid lost his parents, Elena. I’ve seen zero mention of therapy, so…? How exactly does one deal with trauma, then? Drugs seem a pretty good bet, and hey, he’s being entrepreneurial about them!

Every girl in school wants Kirk’s hot, non-teenage ass, but he only has eyes for Elena. We get to see them staring at each other in history class, and learn they’re from Virginia, so… am I gonna have to watch that video on confederate vampires that YouTube offered me for like two months straight? Bummer, I like my vamps European and unaccountable.

After school, Elena heads to the cemetery to hang out and offer us more diary entry voiceovers. She must have said she was fine like 100 times today, and that was hard. 🙁 (I’m not trying to be a bitch, it’s not Elena’s fault. She’s not dumb, she’s just written that way!)

A crow or raven (I can’t tell the difference, it’s a black Corvid) perches on a nearby gravestone and caws. Spooky! And then someone turns on the ground-level fog machines and she runs away, thinking she sees a figure in the fog, only to run into Kirk and accuse him of following her. Oh, his name is Stefan!

this ship has everything. transporters, holodecks, teenage vampire romance….

To be fair, he does say it STEFan, not stefAHN, so, you know. Of course she’s bleeding, and of course he vamps out, and it looks much better than previous makeup artists were able to do. Paler skin, better contacts, all in all, more realistic looking, so that’s good.

Oh, Stefan has a journal, too! Where he talks about being “unable” to resist her, because he tried so hard, huh? Just couldn’t stop himself from going to her town, going to the high school, finding the office, signing up for classes and mojoing the secretary. Just…unavoidable, really, such a shame he absolutely HAD to do all of that.

Miss Piggy looking irritated or angry

Lil Bro goes to a restaurant where his previous customer – Vicki – is working. She blows him off and delivers food to Elena’s ex, who’s her brother, and who’s eating with the guy who picked her up at school, Travis. Also, she apparently hooked up with Lil Bro – whose name is Jeremy – over the summer, and she’s broken it off, but he keeps harassing her. Fun!

Caroline has all the deets on Captain Kirk, which boil down to a lot of nothing.

Kirk shows up at Elena’s house to apologize for bailing on her earlier, and we get to know that she’s living with her Aunt Jenna. Kirk is also returning her diary, which she dropped at the cemetery. She grabs a jacket and invites him in, but he stays at the threshold, making me think “you don’t have to stay out there” 1. doesn’t count as an invitation and 2. he needs one to enter her home. (Such a bizarre piece of lore for a monster, honestly. I should look up some papers about it or something, because it’s never made sense to me.)

This is the part of the episode where we get nine million tiny scenes in a row, all with, like, half a piece of information. I can’t stand TV structure like this, it drives me crazy to constantly bat back and forth. I’m a viewer trying to understand a narrative, I’m not a pinball. So we had Lil Bro and Caroline, and Stefan at the door, and back to the restaurant where OG (whose name I still don’t know) is talking to Elena’s ex about getting back with Elena. His name is Matt, apparently, and now we’re on to Elena and Stefan walking in and Matt being introduced, and now everyone is sitting at one table. Like. We could have just put everyone in one place from the getgo, trust me.

you knew Trek gifs were coming

ANYWAY. We’re about halfway through! Some dude who looks like the Andrew Lincoln you get on Wish confronts Stefan about the couple killed in the open. Stefan says it was an animal attack, but Rick Grimes isn’t having any of that, thank you very much. He begs his Uncle Stefan to consider that people will remember him, and he’ll just stir things up. You know, for every long, useless closeup of an attractive person, we could just have dialogue that tells us things and lets people sound like people, not like a setup. But this is a pilot, so I suppose I should be nicer.

Data the android laughing on the bridge of the Enterprise-D

Stefan opens a cabinet of his old journals while a cover of “Running up that Hill” plays, his nephew’s denunciation still ringing in his ears. Such drama!!!!!!

In history the next day, only Stefan has the answers about the casualties of the civil war battle fought in Mystic Falls, their town. Stefan of course corrects the teacher. Real low profile there, guy.

Big bonfire that night (I assume, all of these scenes feel like they were written separately and then edited together, nothing happens because of something else, everything happens because that’s how you make hit TV, I guess.), and OG touches Elena, apparently has a vision, and instead of using the very visual medium of television to show it to us, she just tells Elena she saw a crow that was following her.

oh no, I’m being a bitch again

OMG, OG’s name is Bonnie! 24 minutes in! Anyway, she blames her non-visual vision on alcohol, and goes to get some more while Stefan takes Elena off to walk somewhere. Don’t worry, her brother clocks them leaving, she probably won’t die. They recap how they met for us, and then Elena takes like 4 seconds to tell how her parents died (and that she was in the backseat). Stefan tells her not to worry: she won’t be sad forever.

Oh, Vicki’s boyfriend was Tyler, not Travis, and of course he has to sexually assault her for them to break up. Maybe. She’s not interested in Lil Bro Jeremy, tho, either, even though he helped get Tyler off her.

Back to Elena and Stefan, Elena complaining about her ex, Stefan vamping out a little.

Then back to Vicki, because this…. Look, I know it’s supposed to build tension or something, but I’m pretty sure that only works when the people making the media are, like, talented and know what they’re doing, so, you know. She gets stabbed or something, I wasn’t paying a lot of attention because I was writing this paragraph, and also I don’t really care, because someone is going to tell me what happened to her as soon as this Twilight commercial is over.

Matt comes to bother Elena about breaking up with him and moving on, another 2 lines before he’s gone and Caroline is hitting on Stefan for 2 lines and then Elena is talking shit about Caroline to Stefan and then Elena goes after Jeremy and they find Vicki, who is alive still but has a neck wound that makes Stefan run for home. Where a crow shows up, just before Ian Somerholder shows up to complain about the 90s and grunge.

And even they only get like 4 lines before we’re back at the party, Vicki being loaded into an ambulance. Let people talk! Damn! Everyone is still standing around at the underage drinkfest, for some reason, and Bonnie tells Elena that even though she’s not really psychic, she has a feeling this is only the beginning.

Then back to Stefan and Damon (not a Ferengi, unfortunately), where we learn that Stefan eats animals and Damon doesn’t think that’s the stuff, but, like, HOW do you get away with killing these days?! Dude. No. Figure your shit out, because you are putting so many people at risk for your macho nonsense. Anyway, they fight about it, and about Elena, and they’re throwing each other out windows and shit and like, again, no. You do not have breaking windows on the regular money, my guy, I can guarantee that.

We also learn that they have magic rings that let them be in the sun, and what have I done to myself? Taken in by James T’s cute little face and his lovely chemistry with La’an Noonien Singh and I got caught up. Shaking my head at myself. The things I do to entertain… well, let’s be honest, myself, at this point. I’m not sure y’all are out there.

Elena and Jeremy get a little scene where she disapproves of his drinking at the party, though she did the same. And then Bonnie and Caroline, where Caroline laments that no one she likes likes her back, and then Matt watching over Vicki in the hospital. Lotta siblings hanging out together, is that a thing that happens? Mine were all much younger than me, we were never in the same school, but my brothers also never hung out together, and they were all two years apart.

Home stretch, y’all, and I can compliment the music, which is excellent but a little much for teens with fangs, if you ask me.

We do a voiceover wrapup, writing in our little journals, and apparently Elena looks like Catherine, from THE PAST, so we’re hitting all the beats here. Yay? Stefan shows up at Elena’s, and she finally invites him in for reals. (We’ll ignore that there’s no fucking way Virginia is cold outside during August, when schools start. Just be glad he got his little invite.)

Well! That is definitely one of the shows of all time! This is gonna be a fun – *checks how many seasons there are* – THREE YEARS?!