So. Last week, I signed up for the free trial at MoviePass. I don’t know that I can see over $35 worth of movies a month – they’re cheap out here – but the free trial has been amazing. And since I wasn’t paying for the movie, I saw “50 Shades Of Grey”. Not so you wouldn’t have to – I’m sure someone will drag you to it – but because I can’t criticize something if I haven’t read or seen it.

I did read the books – and they were awful. I mean, just boring, bad writing, and I don’t understand why everyone keeps calling them – and their movie – “erotica”. There is nothing erotic going on. Zip. Zero. Zilch. I mean, yes, there’s some sex, and I’m not going to get into how bad the BDSM in it is, but it’s all so boring, and the same thing over and over. It would probably help if the characters were anyone I cared about in any sense, but I’m completely indifferent to them.

So, anyway. I went to see the movie at my local Movie Tavern so I could have some lunch, and I took notes for you, my Snowflakes. Because I’m like that – and because I could then write lunch off as a business expense.

The attendance was sparse, even for an afternoon. There were some groups of women, a couple couples, and me. I was the only one alone, and the only one taking notes. I hope people thought I was a famous blogger or movie critic or something.

And without further ado, my stream-of-consciousness reaction to the movie:

• Every tie is grey? WTF.
• Annie Lennox is better than this.
• How good a secretary can you be with dead eyes? (Because his secretary was just…not there, mentally.)
• Snark followed by “I’m good with people.” Suuuuuuuuuuure.
• Lame literature question. “You’re an English major? Was is Austen, Bronte, or Hardy?” Bitch, it was King and Rice, but maybe that’s why I didn’t finish my degree.
• Zero chemistry.
• Jamie Dornan is not hot.
• LIZZIE BENNETT WHUT R U DOIN’?!
• This is the world’s creepiest hardware store. And, dude, while you can definitely buy toys there, I would not like to be held down with zip ties. Ouch.
• TAYLOR. He’s the hot ginger from Lie To Me!
• English majors are hopeless romantics? HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA.
• OF COURSE he has a Mac.
• Elliot looks like a child molester.
• “Hey, Bitch, don’t get raped!” *SWOON*
• Flying over Seattle – it’s suddenly Grey’s Anatomy. Heh.
• Ana: “What do I get out of it?” Christian: “Me.” Sorry, nope. The correct answer is “orgasms”.
• Her legs aren’t shaved, though!
• She’s so bony. (Note: I don’t want to body shame anyone here. This is not really a comment on Dakota Johnson so much as it’s that I’m not used to seeing really thin women anymore. Most of the media I consume is either people totally clothed, or people who look like me – ie, fatties. It was just weird for me, seeing so many ribs all at once.)
• Props for condoms, yo.
• Oh, that kinky missionary sex!
• 15 former sex partners is not a lot for someone who’s almost 30, IMO.
• Why wouldn’t you want your own bed?
• OMG THEY’RE MAKING US READ THE EMAILS.
• Why is “submissive” capitalized in the contract?
• One spank. So outre!
• “My staff know only what I choose to tell them.” Bull. Shit.
• OMG, no one wants to go to graduation ceremonies.
• That was not a proper spanking. And no aftercare. Nice.
• Ow, crop to the belly!
• It’s a motherfucking montage!
• Marcia Gay Harden looks like she’s in on the abuse.
• Tempted to nap in my recliner. Those cheese fries were excellent.
• Gliding looks vomit-inducing. Not for me, thanks.
• Thomas Tallis is better than this.
• Ow! Flogger to the belly!
• Let’s hope she never goes back to him and doesn’t ruin that happy ending.

And there you have it. Everything I thought during “50 Shades of Grey”. Did you like the movie/books? Hate them? Yell at me in the comments!