SGRoA: Blood Ties, S1 E15: 5:55

SGRoA post 103 of 122

So, before I even start, gonna take a stab and say that this episode will give us the ticking clock I was looking for in the last one, but who knows? I could definitely be wrong, not all my predictions come true. Just, like, a lot of them.

Henry and Vicki show up to a hotel with a secret third friend, who has hired them to retrieve an antique bowl that he sold to someone named Benoit. He shipped the bowl, but never received payment, was unable to contact the guy, et voila, call in Vicki to retrieve it. Henry is complaining because he’s hungry, but then stops them: he smells something, pain and hate and fear. Vicki quips that it’s “a no-tell motel”, and first of all, Vicki, there was a legit maid in a uniform and a gorgeous wooden front desk fully staffed after dark, so what? and she adds that basically nothing bad could possibly be happening there, so secondly, which is it? Cheap motel, where bad shit happens constantly, or happy fun place?

Vicki, I’m just getting tired now

They all start booking it, following Henry, whom secret third friend calls a bloodhound. Henry says there are hundreds of presences in the hotel, and then there’s black things coming in through a window and Vicki’s tattoos are glowing and

she wakes up on her couch. The clock reads 5:55.

This opening fuckin SLAPS. I know, I get lost in details, but, like, it just hooks you, gives you everything you need to know in a few lines of dialogue, and then comes at you with danger and the entire premise of the episode. It’s a time loop or a premonition or a countdown, but you know you’re going on a RIDE. Well done!

Vicki relates the dream to Coreen, who has woken her from a short nap. She says she died in the dream, after feeling every part of the entity go through her. Coreen makes a quip about chips after dinner, but then Secret Third Friend walks in to hire Vicki to retrieve his fuckin bowl!!!!!!!!

I love this shit, maybe it’s the weed, but I’m pumped for this episode

His name is Jacob Keller, and he starts the opening credits. He needs to get paid for this bowl, or he’s out of business. Vicki is extra bitchy about him doing business with people who only disclose their PO boxes, but I suppose that’s a little more understandable after her dream.

So! We are off! Vicki calls the PO box place and sweet talks the real address out of the clerk on the phone. She collects Henry and Jacob, and of course they walk in to a crime scene, Mike and Kate hovering over a dead body. It’s Benoit, of course, single stab wound to the belly, place has been trashed. Vicki’s annoyed: first normal case she’s had in weeks and of course the guy is dead. There’s a weird digression about Mike’s “lucky” tie being about “getting lucky”, but Mike says that no, he and Kate were out celebrating closing another case, one that Vicki had worked before her eye condition made her leave the force.

So obviously, Vicki has to be a bitch about it, and is bitchy about Kate being the one who broke the case. Now, this i will buy as related to her disability, but jesus, Vick.

you could TRY

Vicki spies a note on Benoit’s desk – “Empire Hotel, midnight” – says nothing about it to Mike, and leaves with a parting shot about Kate.

So we get the same scene from the opening: hotel front desk, maid in uniform walks by, Vicki and Henry walk in, and – wait. Jacob isn’t with them, and as they start wandering the halls, Vicki is asking Henry what Mike’s lucky tie might mean, and they walk right by Jacob sitting in an alcove.

spock and kirk from TOS. kirk says "whut?"
I am very confused

Neither Henry nor Vicki manage to notice him until he walks up and interrupts their conversation to ask where his bowl is, and then they catch up to the rest of the open – Henry’s hungry, a lady drops a room service tray (at a no-tell motel?) and Vicki says she’s done this before. But instead of just a fluttering curtain, they see a man with a case. Vicki says that’s their guy, Henry attacks him, he drops the case. Jacob steps forward to get his bowl, but Vicki stops him as her tattoos flare, Henry goes to her, and the guy with the case opens it and lets out a bunch of spirit-looking things. He seems to be injured? by the case opening? and Vicki tackles him

just before waking up on her couch, at 5:55.

just a sucker for a time loop, what can I say?

Jacob walks in and Vicki is ready. She tells him all his business and then reads him for filth for lying to her. She knows he’s after a box, not a Roman glass bowl, and she wants some fuckin answers, because she’s already died twice for this thing and it’s still only 5:55! So tell her!

Jacob says it’s got powers, it’ll give you eternal life. “It’s a lot more than that,” says Vicki, and they’re off, grabbing Henry as he walks into the office.

They go to Benoit’s office, hoping to prevent his murder. Almost make it, too – Benoit dies just after they show up.

When Mike arrives, Vicki gives him shit about the tie and Kate, and he says he feels like he walked into a fight he didn’t know he was having, and like, Mike. Michael.

Do you not feel like this every time you’re with Vicki? Because I do, and I’m not even on the show!

She gives Mike a rundown of the scene and leaves, and poor Mike. He is not cut out for dealing with Vicki’s paranonsense.

Back in the hallway! Vicki wants to end it “right here”, but there’s still 20 minutes left, you might have one more go-round on this one. Guy comes around the corner, Henry attacks, case falls to the ground. Vicki wants answers from case guy, but of course Jacob opens the box, tattoos, spirits, bam!

5:55!

She tells Coreen to keep Jacob there, meets Henry at the car, makes it to Benoit’s office before he’s dead. He denies knowing anything about a box, but they hustle him out the door. He complains that he’s been looking for it for 25 years, and how could anything so beautiful be dangerous? No dice, but Vicki makes a crack about getting there “too soon”, because even in a time loop….

They bring Benoit to the office, where Coreen has stalled Jacob successfully. Vicki charges Henry with keeping everyone in one place, and heads over to the hotel, calling Mike in for backup on her way.

Box guy is dead when they show up. No sign of the box, but Vicki remembers a janitor from Benoit’s office who seemed shifty. They find him in the lobby with the box, and he tells Vicki not to open it or look at it, but she does! AND THEN BAM, 5:55!!!!!!!

Vicki draws a symbol she saw and has Coreen research it before getting Mike, preventing Benoit’s murder, and catching the janitor guy before he gets to the hotel. Henry and Coreen keep Jacob corralled until Vicki calls; she wants Henry to bring him to the precinct and asks about the symbol.

It’s for the Knights of Babylon, a secret society that was started in the 1500s when they came into possession of Pandora’s Box. Legend is, no human can withstand the temptation to open it, something Vicki seems to already know intimately.

Mike can’t really hold anyone for anything, so he and Henry go to the hotel with Vicki to get the box. But this time Box Guy has a gun, and Mike gets shot in the chest and dies.

Vicki wants to open the box, to go back again, to save Mike. Henry refuses. Some things can’t be changed, they have the box, that’s the thing that counts….

But of course, it isn’t. Henry sees that she would die for Mike, and he opens the box for her… and it’s 5:55.

Vicki calls Mike, gives Coreen the night off, takes Benoit to Henry, and goes to get the box alone. Or thinks she’s alone: janitor has followed her. Turns out both guys are Knights of Babylon, but Box Guy is stealing the box and Janitor is recovering it. Janitor has a gun on Vicki, but Henry shows up just in time to take his weapon and the box – because Henry isn’t tempted to open it.

Henry takes the case to seal it up in the walls of his apartment, and Vicki thanks him for ending the world for her. He drinks from her in the elevator, and then she wakes up…

at 5:56.

SGRoA: Blood Ties, S1 E14: Wild Blood

SGRoA post 102 of 122

IT’S OCTOBER!!!!!! Official spooky times, Snowflakes, and I am pumped. I bought myself a witchy cup for the season, dressed my house skeleton, David S Pumpkins, up in his pumpkin suit, and I am ready for candy – and badly written vampires! Let’s see what Vicki’s a bitch about this week!

Henry and Vicki are talking about the stars; Henry explains how he sees the sky, how everything is lit up like daylight, how people glow. Vicki – who in the books is struggling hard with losing her vision to a degenerative condition – says she’d love to see like that, which segues into a discussion of vampirism. Apparently Henry’s species are viciously territorial, and end up killing each other when they stay too close for too long.

High Waisted Dad Jeans
obviously only with his own species, tho, or Toronto would be unlivable

I prefer commie vamps, but hey, the aughts were a disturbing and different time.

A woman is burgling? searching? a house – she’s all in black, with a flashlight. It seems she finds what she’s after when she comes upon a jaguar’s head, mounted on the wall, but of course that’s when the presumed homeowner comes back. He looks like Sal from Mad Men in this light.

He hears her make some noise and loads a gun to go looking, and ends up attacked by something snarly – presumably an animal. As he lies dying, the woman cleans out a bunch of artefacts, and we cut to credits.

Mike and Kate are dragging a woman in black into the precinct. “Melville” has been killed, he’s a drinking buddy of the mayor, the woman was last seen around his house… blah blah. I assume Melville is the victim we saw before, but that isn’t at all obvious or clear. Crowley is already on Mike about getting this case right. They have to tie her to the animal that killed Melville – “he was torn apart” – but Mike doesn’t even think it was an animal, because Melville’s head was left neatly on a table, separate from his chewed-up body.

Kate is also giving Mike the business this episode, and while he’s been better lately, he’s still Mike “Goddamn” Cellucci, so I’ll allow it. She doesn’t necessarily think the woman – Felicia – is solely responsible, and she doesn’t think Felicia will give up the partner and the animal. But Mike is convinced, so they go in to interrogate her.

I do really have to give credit to the writers, here. I assume the strike ended and everyone went back to work at some point before these last few episodes, because we are getting mostly excellent exposition at every turn. Snappy dialogue, lots of details, and even the character bits – like Henry talking about stars – have been engaging and worth watching. I’m excited to see what our monster is this week, and I like that we’re letting Mike be an actual cop, instead of an adjunct to Vicki.

Felicia was home watching TV, obviously. Cop show. The one with the forensic guys? Mike says that’s a good guess, because that one was on that night, and hoo boy, this is one of those moments when you realize how much society has changed in a short time. “On TV that night”. Amazing. Not a usable metric anymore, not even for boomers who still watch cable (because they only do Fox “news”).

Anyway, why was she out? Got a burger. Why did she run when the showed their badges? No answer to that, but she definitely didn’t kill anyone, especially not Melville, whom she doesn’t know. Honestly, she doesn’t seem guilty, but I’m pretty sure she was the lady who took all the artefacts. Also, she looks like Donna Murphy, it’s amazing.

we have Donna Murphy at home!

Mike heads to Vicki’s, to hire her to work the homicide. That’s weird enough, but obviously you have to get the star of the show involved in the episode. No, what’s remarkable about this scene is Henry, lying on a light table, looking like he’s gonna seduce anyone who walks through the door like the weird little twink he is. Delightful, please give me more camp in this show, it’s begging for it.

Henry is drawing Mike, who says he doesn’t want to be in Henry’s “funny books”. I was going to make a crack about it being 2008, Mike, don’t you know what a graphic novel is? …but, uh, well…

at least Mike doesn’t think it’s porn?

Mike tells them about the case – since Henry is now also working with Vicki – and Henry perks up at the mention of the head on the table, but what’s driven Mike here was that he thinks he saw Felicia’s eyes glowing at the end of the interview. So he thinks this might be more up Vicki’s aisle, so to speak, but balks at paying Vicki, and all I can say is that’s karma! Vicki doesn’t pay Coreen, Vicki doesn’t get paid.

it’s the ciiiiiiiircle of liiiiiiiiiiife

Henry and Vicki head out, and Mike is right back to the interrogation mines with Kate. Felicia is giving them bupkis, talking about “dark sides” and other creative interrogation licenses do not advance the plot. Felicia is calm, unflappable, even, though odd. I wonder if she’s a shape shifter.

Henry and Vicki break into Felicia’s place. They find pics of her family in front of their house, so obviously that’s their next stop – after the apartment complex’s storage room, where they find a putrid smell and a bunch of claw marks.

So, basically, Mike has outsourced the investigation so he can just keep Felicia in the box all night? I mean, interesting concept, but usually there’s a ticking clock or some other impetus to these kinds of cases. Did Mike just… want a bunch of dialogue this episode? Did he sprain something? I suppose it doesn’t really matter, and the dialogue between him and Felicia is, admittedly, pretty good. He finally gets the tiniest reaction out of her by mentioning cats – specifically, she’d “be surprised at the size of cats some people keep”.

WERECAT!

Or should I make that plural? Felicia’s family have no records: no school, no immunization, no medical records. They have drivers licenses, but that’s it, and Vicki heads off to see them in the morning. But her dad has nothing to say; his son died a year ago, and his daughter left a month after, and she’s in the city full of evil people that he doesn’t want to know about. He says all she knows about animals is standard: cows and horses, dogs and cats. She didn’t understand the virtue of discipline, and besides that, he has nothing to say. She chose evil, and now she’s paying the price.

Back at the office, Henry presents his research on shapeshifters, and says that a regular animal kills out of instinct, but whoever killed Melville was motivated by hate. Hence the beheading. And shapeshifters would fit with Vicki’s impression of the dad: he got all twitchy when she mentioned cats.

justified, if it were these cats

Crowley is pissed that the interrogation isn’t getting anywhere. The press is on her ass, and Mike has fuck all. He insists that Felicia is going to break, but even Kate thinks he’s wrong. Crowley says he has till morning, and that’s it. Kate harangues him about not letting anyone truly be a partner, and this is no different, and she leaves as Vicki comes in to let Mike in on the werecat theory.

Unfortunately, there is zero connection between Felicia and Melville still. So Vicki is off to find that next piece, while Mike stays in the box.

On her way out, Kate stops her, concerned for Mike. He’s starting to believe all this supernatural shit, and it’s ruining his career. Kate sounds truly concerned for Mike, truly worried that he’s fucking up. Instead of trying to allay those fears or reassure Kate that Mike is still a good cop, Vicki gets an attitude and tells Kate that if she knew anything about him, she’d trust his instincts, because say it with me now –

I… have zero idea why they’re making Vicki so unlikable. Is she supposed to appear strong, by these little fits of pique and temper? Because it doesn’t work. Is she supposed to seem vulnerable, irritable because of her eye condition and resultant disability? Because that doesn’t work, either. Vicki just reads as a cunt, and it’s getting tired, frankly. I’m not against an unlikable main character – I write them all the time – but we still have to root for them. We have to be interested, not off-put. She needs a reason to be a bitch, but all we’ve been given is that… she’s a woman, I guess?

A woman on the street sees a black jaguar and calls 911 to report it – but Felicia is still in the box?! Uh-oh. This is her dad or – more likely – the sister who briefly stood up for her to Vicki after Dad called her evil. Or maybe even the lost brother, though I’m pretty sure he ended up on Melville’s wall.

Mike is getting nowhere, at least until he mentions her father and gets a lot of anger back. She says her dad won’t even hate the people who hate him, but Mike says she wouldn’t be like that. She’d do the “right” thing. She says to leave them out of it, and then lawyers up.

Crowley says they found the jaguar, case solved! We won’t ask how a cat set a head on a table, that won’t look good for our stats, it’s fine. Just close it already.

Vicki and Henry go over to the crime scene, to try to connect Felicia and Melville. He has taxidermied heads everywhere, and a whole bookcase dedicated to lycanthropy. They find the jaguar head and make the connection to Felicia’s family. Time to go back to the farm and figure out what they’re hiding in the barn.

Felicia has a great lawyer, already threatening to sue for illegal imprisonment and demanding formal apologies. I’m in love.

Vicki and Henry immediately find a cat – the sister – and Henry has his fangs out while the jaguar actor is just… chillin’. Vibing, even. All that cat’s body language is super relaxed, so there’s a bunch of silly cuts to make it look like they’re fighting, or at least sizing each other up. It’s the goofiest, and I’m glad this show isn’t that improved.

The sister, Alyssa, was in the city to take the heat off Felicia. Melville did kill the brother. Dad says they should stay hidden, that they can’t avenge him. Melville has been killing people when they’re shifted so he can hunt the most dangerous game and still get away with it. Felicia couldn’t let it go. Dad would do literally anything to keep the secret: he’s going to kill Felicia.

But of course Mike can’t hold Felicia any longer, and he misses Vicki’s call about her dad coming to off her. Felicia leaves, Mike gets the message and goes after her – without telling Kate anything, not even an excuse.

The big showdown happens in the precinct parking lot. Lots of crying between Felicia and her dad, Mike acting as therapist and then as benevolent authority when he lets them go. There’s been enough killing, and Felicia wasn’t really murdering so much as avenging. Felicia and her dad take off, tearfully arm in arm, and Mike quips to the just-arrived Henry and Vicki that his job has really gone down the tubes, because now he’s chasing “weer” cats.

BEGGING

SGRoA: Blood Ties, S1 E13: DOA

SGRoA post 101 of 122

Happy Thursday, or whenever you’re reading this, I can’t tell you what to do. Let’s get right to it!

Vicki’s opening her office for the day when she realizes someone’s behind her. We’re supposed to think it’s a criminal of some sort, but it’s an undercover cop: Deeds. She says he looks like hell, undercover must not agree with him (because she’s a bitch! Get it?!) and he says he needs her help with a homicide. She wonders why? He’s a cop, he knows how this goes. He says this one’s a little weird, because he’s the dead guy, and then walks into her office through the door.

Vicki’s face rn

So after the credits, we get right into it. I have to give the writers a TON of credit here: they pack in an enormous amount of exposition just with dialogue that feels like two people actually talking, which is not usually a strong suit. Deeds has been divorced 4 times, he doesn’t know who killed him, he woke up at his apartment, and he wants to know why he’s a ghost. This is all in like, 45 seconds, I’m not kidding, it’s great!

Also, why can he sit on the couch, but he just phases right through stuff he wants to touch? Excellent point, Deeds, I’m very sad you’re dead. You’re the first character I’ve liked.

He was undercover with a biker gang. Last check in with Fry, his handler, was… well, he can’t remember. Doesn’t know where his body is. Vicki has more questions, but Coreen comes in, and she can’t see Deeds. Womp-womp, that’s disappointing, and then Deeds ruins everything by telling Vicki that Coreen is wearing a red thong, so Vicki can… prove to Coreen there’s a ghost in the room? Which Coreen already believed?!

kristen wiig in bridesmaids saying "are you fucking kidding me?"
I take back every good thing I said about you, Deeds. gross

Vicki goes right to Mike, since the undercover supervisor isn’t going to tell her, a civilian, anything. Mike asks why she’s so into Deeds all of a sudden, and she has to admit he’s a ghost client. Mike refers to him as ‘Dirty’ Deeds and says he never trusted him: Deeds didn’t care how he closed a case, just that he did. Lotta people might want to see him dead, and the fact that so far, no body has turned up and no one knows he’s dead seems to point toward more nefariousness than usual. So says Mike, at least.

Mike says he’ll check with Fry –

and Vicki makes a parting shot about him mixing stripes and checks. (Because she’s a bitch!)

Vicki heads to Henry’s next, obviously. Henry doesn’t have a lot of experience with ghosts, and he can’t see Deeds – who is rifling through Henry’s bedroom. Vicki – who has, in 12 episodes, never once spoken about this guy to Henry, whom she has spent all of those episodes with – defends Deeds’ “natural curiosity” and has to be told by Henry to get Deeds out of his things.

I mean, takes one to know one, I’m not perfect, but….

Henry asks for some details, after Deeds asks if Vicki and Henry are together. Vehement denial. So she and Mike are still a thing? Absolutely not. Then Deeds might have a chance? Vicki rolls her eyes.

Deeds was at the Standard, a biker bar, with a girl. Henry says he knows the place – he doesn’t always hunt in the opera circuit – and Vick makes a crack about fast food.

Mike has a sit down with Crowley (the character formerly known as Captain Lady) about Deeds. He was running with the Wolverines, backstory of an ex-con with international drug shipment experience. The Wolverines haven’t had the best luck lately: drug shipment stolen, member killed, clubhouse firebombed.

not the same Wolverines

Mike says he just has a hunch about Deeds being in trouble; he also says that he was a “good cop, lousy person.” Crowley admits that Internal Affairs was looking into him, since he hadn’t provided any actionable Intel in months. They’re sitting in a diner, across the street from a Wolverines hangout spot, and they both see Deeds show up and interact with the bikers. Like, Deeds makes eye contact and points Mike out to the biker guys on the corner, and Crowley says he’s so good at playing his part, he might not be playing anymore.

a black and white dog making a puzzled face. text says "dude, wait, what?"
10 minutes in, and I have such whiplash!

Coreen and Henry are doing research. Henry says Deeds reminds him of a myth he’s heard: early vampires visiting loved ones, appearing at first benign, but then stealing the life force of the living. The fact that Deeds doesn’t know how or where he was killed disquiets Henry; he doesn’t think Deeds is who he says he is, perhaps, or wants what he says he wants. It could be a ghost; it could be Astaroth, or something he sent to do his bidding.

So Mike “arrests” Deeds and brings him back to the precinct, then calls Vicki to come by. Deeds’ voice is weird, and he’s burning up (he hugs Vicki as if he hasn’t seen her) and is eating the world’s bloodiest roast beef sandwich, thing looks like it was served with red food coloring as the au jus. I’m a carnivore, but gross. Might be something to this whole vampire variant thing.

Henry heads to the Standard to ask a few questions. He has to mojo the bartender – in this show, they give an extra deepness to his voice, works nicely – and bartender says that Deeds met a girl, they talked, they danced, they headed to the men’s room. Deeds booked it out of there a few minutes later, but the girl sat at the bar looking stoned for a few minutes – before she died.

Crowley and Mike have a productive conversation about Deeds, and what he might be doing: maybe not stealing, but selling out the Wolverines, either to another gang or to a different law enforcement agency. Crowley tells Mike to be careful, but yes, keep on it.

Back at her office, Vicki delivers the news that Deeds’ body is still walking around, eating gross roast beef, and Ghost!Deeds says “he’s killing my health regime” and IT’S A REGIMEN. REGIMEN. Jesus, this one kills me, everyone thinks they’re the same fucking word, but they’re not! No Child Left Behind really out here leaving everyone born after 1985 behind, huh? Stop reading with vibes!

I’m begging

Anyway, Vicki asks who wants to kill him, and he asks her to specify really kill him, or just sorta kill him. Jesus, Deeds. No wonder you’re friends with Vicki.

Vicki and Henry meet at the morgue. Mohadevan has the girl from the bar, who looks to be in her 20s, but has the body of a 70-year-old. And a stomach full of raw meat. Mohadevan says it’s like the girl just “burned up”.

Deeds shows up in the morgue, and doesn’t appear to know Henry (“he’s my chiropractor,” quips Vicki) or the girl, though he says she’s pretty. Henry spies something in his pocket, and after a little weird small talk, Deeds leaves. Vicki maintains that that is not the Deeds she knows; the ghost is the “real” Deeds. Henry is less sure the ghost is even a ghost, and tells Vicki to be vigilant, even around the ghost!Deeds.

Mike is tailing Deeds, and spies him going to The Dragons, another gang in the area. The woman he speaks to tells him he’s already received his payment for letting the Dragons take over a Wolverines spot, and she tells him to impress her with more handovers. Deeds is really gross to her, too, basic sexual harassment, and tells her just before she walks off that she’ll be “tasty” when she finally lets him hit.

So. Deeds was selling the Wolverines out to the Dragons, and not giving the police anything to work on, and might be a weird, split personality ghostpire.

Look at that. Twice in one ep.
sure, sounds good

The girl from the bar – Tessa – was an addict, ran some drugs low-level. Her mom says she’d gotten clean in the last few months, but wanted to save her still-using boyfriend, who died 4 days before Tessa did.

ned flanders, fry, and other memes looking suspicious
suspicious

The head of the Dragons, Chuntao Fang, seems to be reading a police file?!? when Mike busts into her office. She says she doesn’t talk to cops, and he says she talks to Wolverines. He wants to know about Wolverine homicides, and she doesn’t give him anything, but I think he was just there to let her know people are paying attention.

Vicki and Henry are coming up with a theory of the monster: it’s moving from body to body. First the boyfriend, then Tessa, then Deeds. So ghost!Deeds is probably the real Deeds, and the body is inhabited or possessed or something. Vicki praises Henry’s deduction skills, and Henry says he wants to be employed by her, as a detective. She admits he’s been very helpful, he almost kisses her, but Coreen comes in with coffee to interrupt. Vicki is snarky, and Coreen pronounces cruller like “crooler”, and the subtitles spell it “crueler” and I am confused.

am I insane? it’s a cruller!

Deeds does a drive-by in front of a bar. No, I don’t know which gang he’s targeted, or why. Just drives up, shoots out the window, drives away.

Mike and Vicki have a decidedly unsatisfying meeting. Vicki’s found more “burned up” victims that form a straight line to Deeds, but doesn’t know what’s causing it. Mike can’t tell her what he’s found, because of the internal affairs investigation, but he does ask Vicki to ask Deeds wtf was going on.

So she does, bizarrely for this show. He gets defensive, obviously, and leaves, despite Vicki telling him that they can maybe get the thing out of his body before it’s really dead, and that the thing is attracted to some sort of particular essence – in other words, something was going on with Deeds that made the monster want him, something unsavory. Deeds gives her nothing, but Henry does feel him leave, which can’t be good for Deeds’ body.

Henry’s here because he and Coreen have found the monster, they think: an ekimmu, a Babylonian spirit that moves from body to body to create violence and chaos. It lives in a constant state of hunger, with raw meat its meal of choice. It has to touch people to move on, and if they can get ghost!Deeds to be there when it does, they can maybe put him back in his body. They just need a way to trap the ekimmu, but Vicki says that’s not the hard part. They’ll have to find Deeds, too, since he just fired her.

Henry ribs her gently about picking a fight in two dimensions (because she’s a bitch!), but she says everyone was thinking he was dirty, she had to ask. Henry finally tells her he saw Deeds with papers in his jacket, and it’s the file on Chuntao Fang! That’s what she was reading; that’s why Deeds was hanging around the precinct. If they can figure that out, they can maybe figure out who’s next, and fix everything.

so much going on!

Ok, y’all, last 10 minutes, we can do this. So! Vicki and Mike figure out what files are missing, that they’re all about Chuntao, and that they’re dated before the ekimmu took over Deeds’ body. So that determines that Deeds was working to put the Dragons against the Wolverines, and definitely not for the Metro PD. Mike goes to get a warrant from Crowley, and Deeds corners Vicki as soon as Mike leaves.

Vicki tells it she knows what it is, it tries to eat her with this bizarre tongue thing, she kicks Deeds nuts and he runs away.

couldn’t help myself

Ghost!Deeds justifies his actions to Vicki, saying he was taking bikers off the street, getting them to fight each other. Vicki says some nonsense about doing things the “right” way and being “one of the good guys” and, well. Y’all know what I feel about that.

But good news! Henry’s found a cedar dagger, because Babylonian problems require Babylonian solutions. They have to strike when the ekimmu is between bodies.

Oh, I see, the ekimmu did the drive-by on Wolverines to impress Chuntao and move into her body. Vicki and Henry show up just in time to stab the weird tongue thing (the ekimmu), save Chuntao, and save Deeds.

Or, at least, save Deeds long enough for him to tell Vicki he’s sorry, she’s right, they are supposed to be good guys, and then he dies.

Mike shows up, and takes an intensely traumatized Chuntao into custody. Vicki apologizes to Henry for being a bitch specifically about Henry not really believing there was a ghost? But he did?

Whatever, it’s the end, I do not have the energy to care anymore. At the end of the day, this episode is over, and I have to go to the back to restock my bitch and confusion memes. See you next week!

SGRoA: Blood Ties, S1 E12: Norman

SGRoA post 100 of 122

yes, Mother?

Y’all! I saw Dr Mohadevan in a movie!!!! She played a nurse for like 30 seconds, she did great, just like she does every week for us on this… delightful show that I chose to recap. Yup. No one to blame but myself….

We open on Henry and Vicki watching the 1922 Nosferatu. Henry says it’s sad that Orlock kills himself for passion – after all, vampires feel the sun long before they see it, and he chooses to stay. Vicki gets visibly uncomfortable with Henry’s flirting, they almost kiss, blah blah.

Look, I’m not against romance. In the book series this show is based on, all the characters are likeable, and you do really feel that Vicki is struggling between Mike and Henry, because they represent very different life paths to her. In the books, this sort of character building pays off, and lets us understand the characters better and enjoy the stories more.

But this is a late-aughts, syndicated on Lifetime, vampire TV show. The writing has gone almost out of its way to make these people awful, if not downright vile, and I just cannot give a flying fuck who they end up with. This isn’t character building; these scenes in the show are conflict for conflict’s sake, and they honestly just piss me off. Gonna go read the source material just to get these assholes out of my head.

ANYWAY. Some guy is lifting weights. Subtitles tell me it’s Andrew, so sure, and thanks for letting me know how grunty he is while lifting. Andrew cuts himself while futzing with the weights, and his blood melts concrete? I rewound, but no, that’s concrete, damn. His blood opens a circle and a pentagram, and some Ethan Hawke-looking motherfucker pops up and promptly kills Andrew with super long nails to the neck. Cue opening credits!

Vicki’s demon tats are burning, and she says she should just get them removed. Coreen says she shouldn’t, that they’re powerful, but Vicki doesn’t trust it and doesn’t know how to use them. She also throws in a jab about how they’d be worse if they were Hello Kitty, and, wow, Vicki, rude.

what could she possibly have done to you?!

Vicki and Coreen start getting snippy with each other, because this is 2007 and it was a truth universally acknowledged that two women couldn’t have a conversation without being bitches. Thankfully, they’re interrupted by Camille Stokes, seeking Vicki’s services.

She’s a psychic, and she had a vision of Vicki dying at the hands of the demon Andrew summoned, presumably. Vicki is snarky AGAIN, but Camille is insistent, and Vicki tells her to call if she has more visions. Even so, Camille leaves and Coreen is concerned – the pentagram, the chalice, the knife, all these things were supposedly destroyed after the last demon encounter. Henry took care of it. “Yeah,” says Vicki, “I thought he did.”

Down at the precinct, Mike is taking a call about a clawed body. Like an animal? Apparently, yes. Poor Andrew, we hardly knew ye. Kate offers to go with him to the crime scene, since Dave is in court.

Vicki pushes her way into Henry’s apartment over his protestations that it isn’t a good time. She wants to talk about Camille, and gives the bum’s rush to Henry’s lady friend. Oh, the knife and stuff are from the Norman Bridewell case, which was obviously 11 or fewer episodes ago, and yet I have zero idea what we’re talking about. I think that was the incel who summoned demons? Did he look like Ethan Hawke? Is that who the demon is?

Anyway, she interrogates Henry about destroying the stuff used in that summoning, and he says he “took care of it”, not that he destroyed it. Oh, because he separated them. Vicki wants them destroyed, and yeah, that seems the better plan? Why didn’t you just do that, Henry? But he agrees to contact the friends who have the other items (he has the knife) and destroy everything tomorrow.

Camille is… hanging out by a dumpster? PLOT TWIST: she’s the demon in disguise! What! I’m genuinely surprised, good going, episode 12!

I can hear it, too

And yeah, I think this is that incel guy. He contacts Astaroth, the demon who wants Vicki, for whatever reason, and of course Vicki and Henry are going to gather the shit Norman needs to summon so he can snatch it from them. Again, Henry, why didn’t you just destroy stuff before?!?!

In Mohadevan’s lab, Mike and Kate have no ID, but enough evidence to assume it’s the same killer as “5 months ago”, and Kate notices built forearms and palm callouses, pointing to a hockey player. Mike isn’t thrilled about this being Norman again, or a copycat, but he is impressed with Kate’s deductions.

He’s not as impressed that Vicki leaves her office door unlocked, but, like… it’s an office? She has clients coming in all day? Weird ask, Mike.

He tells her about the body, she tells him about “Camille”, he tells her to go to his sister’s vacation home in Mexico for a while. She tells him it’s not like witness protection, and she’s right. Lore says demons will find you. Mike asks what the plan is, so she tells him, and the we cut to her and Henry gathering items.

Vicki, predictably, is a bitch to Henry’s friend holding the chalice, and I like that he’s a bitch back to her, but she could just… not be a bitch. Like, I think they’re trying to show her as fed up with demons or being in danger or something, but she has just been vinegar in every scene, complaining, whining, yelling, confronting. I don’t get it.

Henry’s friend put a concealment spell on the chalice, so it won’t be seen ever again, and that’s that. He’s not helping find the thing, even to destroy it, because it’s safely invisible and probably not able to be destroyed anyway.

Vicki walks home because she’s so pissed.

Kate tries to get some info out of Mike about the case and Vicki’s connection to it, then settles simply for warning him away from it when he doesn’t give her anything. He tells her he won’t work too hard, and she says she’ll buy him a drink. Oh, good, rope another person into this bizarre love triangle.

I can hear this one, too!

And… chalice friend is dead. Obviously saw this coming, we were set up to, but Norman dressed up like Vicki to kill him and take the chalice – because the magic of the concealment spell dies with the one who cast it.

Mike and Kate are of course called to the antique store where the chalice was hidden to examine the body. They’re bouncing some theories back and forth when Vicki shows up, because Mike called her. Kate isn’t thrilled, because Vicki’s NOT A COP ANYMORE. This is Kate’s first homicide case, I think, and no, Mike, she doesn’t want a civilian fucking it up for her. Just because you think Vicki can do no wrong doesn’t mean it’s true.

Vicki makes a snarky comment about bodies first thing in the morning, and Kate says it’s “always nice to have a joke at a crime scene”, and Vicki responds with “OUCH”.

VICKI. WTF. You’ve been a raging cunt to everyone in this episode and you can’t handle Kate’s actually incredibly mild joking criticism? Seriously? Seriously.

Seriously, just so awful.

Vicki tells Mike about Maurice, the chalice guy, and that the killer has what he came for, and he just needs a couple more things. She goes back to the office and tells Coreen to track down Camille, the psychic, because she may also be in danger. Vicki isn’t going to just give in; she’s going to find the other items and destroy them.

Oh, hey, look at that! Remember Dr. Sagara, the random pop up character that they all acted like we knew already? Turns out she’s one of Henry’s closest friends, and he gave her the grimoire used in the ritual. Vicki is outraged by this, but I don’t know why, and I refuse to care.

But just minutes after telling a grieving Henry that he isn’t responsible for Maurice’s death, she tells a grieving Henry that he’s painted a target on Sagara. Which one is it, Vicki? Is Henry responsible or isn’t he? Or do you just want to yell?

a "keep calm" poster, but it says "fuck this guy"
And by guy, I mean Vicki

Henry refuses to contact Sagara, because he maintains that doing so would put her in danger, would lead the demon guy right to the book. Vicki wants to go get the book and burn it, right this minute. They have this conversation on the street, by the way, within hearing distance of an unhoused person.

Who is, of course, Norman. Jesus Christ, Vicki, were you a cop? I’m starting to have my doubts.

So I’m guessing Dr Sagara is dead. Fuck’s sake.

Sure enough, he shows up dressed as Henry, she hands over the book, but she also distracts him with talking – first about how much potential Norman had, which pleases him, and then about making Vicki truly love Henry, like she did. Huh, all this time, I thought Dr Sagara was pretty cool, but knowing she fucked Henry makes me suspect she’s just hiding her awfulness better than Henry or Vicki do. Anyway, Norman doesn’t kill her, so yay, I guess?

He does, however, take the advice to go tell Vicki he loves her. Advice meant for Henry, of course, but he goes to her office and repeats some of Sagara’s words about fear, and he gets Vicki to kiss him.

Which goes badly, because Norman doesn’t know how to kiss, obviously. So Vicki changes tack and says they should go get the dagger from his apartment and burn it and the book. To which Norman-as-Henry responds, “the knife is in my apartment?”, and then knocks Vicki out cold.

So he can show up as Vicki, at Henry’s apartment! It’s like someone saw that X-Files 2-parter where Mulder and the Area 51 guy switch bodies and thought it would be as charming to do with these horrible flesh bags. It’s not. Not even a little.

this is a great episode, truly amazing tv

Real Vicki tried to call Henry upon regaining consciousness, but Henry doesn’t answer. He seems to be fooled, but obviously knew it wasn’t Vicki when she failed to scream at him as soon as he opened the door. He almost kills Norman, but Vicki busts in at the last moment for a Vicki-on-Vicki fight. Real Vicki gets the upper hand through her tattoos, and Norman turns into himself and then bats and whooshes out the door. Vicki kisses Henry for real, for some reason? because Norman slashed him? and she’s bleeding? does that hurt him that badly? … Well, they kiss, anyway, and then Vicki says she has to warn Coreen that Norman shape changes.

Which, of course, he does again to get into the office and snatch her. Trade the dagger for Coreen, meeting place at his apartment, all to get us to the big showdown.

Camille’s body turns up, and she had a record, so they can ID her. She lived in Norman’s building, and Vicki conveniently calls just then to tell Mike she’s headed to Norman’s apartment. Mike tries to dissuade her, but of course that won’t work or it ruins the cool ending sequence!

the writers when confronted by a single question

Kate calls out all Mike’s secretive nonsense regarding this case. He says he’ll fill her in when he can, but she knows that’s a cop out. She tells him he can keep it all to himself, and that’s exactly who he’ll have for backup – himself. She won’t help him when it all hits the fan.

Oh good, last 10 minutes! I do have to admit, this episode has kept it together much better than most. I’m just mad that none of the characters are worth a pinch of spit.

Everyone converges at Norman’s, and of course, it looks like he’s going to prevail. There’s a little chanting, a little portal opening, and then he slices Vicki with the dagger. But what’s this? Vicki had the dagger blessed by a priest on the way over? The spell starts faltering, Norman gets stabbed, and they throw him into the portal to close it – but not before he confirms that weird stuff has been attracted to Vicki since she was branded, and that she should embrace the power of her tattoos.

whoo boy. I have to give it up to the writers for keeping the plot together (enough), but fuck’s sake, why is Vicki a bitch?!

till next week!

SGRoA: Blood Ties, S1 E11: Post Partum

SGRoA post 99 of 122

Emma Stone on SNL saying "ew"
Ew.

I just… I don’t think pregnancy and vampires should be anywhere near each other, ok? Not a huge fan of the weird Twilight baby, not hopeful that this episode won’t squick me out, but let’s get started!

Coreen needs an advance, and Vicki says she’d better return that new outfit instead. Coreen counters by asking for a raise. Vicki walks away.

PAY YOUR EMPLOYEES

A woman in a hot tub is doing birth affirmations while a man rubs her shoulders. He leaves, but then someone else’s hands are there, releasing an inky substance into the water.

After the intro: A guy is in Vicki’s office, telling her about how his wife’s doctor told her to talk to the baby, that it would help the pregnancy. But after a while she would talk *with* the baby, not *to* it. And then she was hearing things. Marlisse, his wife, checked into the clinic full time, and he hasn’t seen her in a month. He’s convinced the doctor is running a cult of vulnerable pregnant women, and yeah, gonna go ahead and say

Emma Stone on SNL saying "ew"
Ew.

He’s been to a bunch of PIs and the police, all of whom have laughed him out of their offices except Vicki. He’s convinced something is wrong with his baby, and he hasn’t spoken with his wife since she went to the clinic. He just wants to know if they’re safe.

Vicki takes the case, of course, and apparently our C plot today is Coreen being unable to live on the wages Vicki pays, so. I’ll sum it up here with this:

PAY YOUR EMPLOYEES

Marlisse went through every intervention available to get pregnant in the first place, Vicki explains to Henry and Coreen over Chinese food. If Dr. Hobson’s clinic is a cult, they’ll need to move quickly, so Vicki needs help with the research. Coreen is off to interview the Deskins, who used Hobson to get pregnant and provided a testimonial. Vicki’s off to find herself a “husband” to go undercover. Henry offers; she reminds him he’s “not a morning person”.

snort

She walks into the precinct and announces to Mike: ” I want you to be my baby daddy.” Kate spits out her coffee, Mike says he’s flattered, and Vicki shows him Hobson’s commercials.

Hobson combines “cutting edge technology with a holistic approach” and boasts a doubled success rate over other clinics. Vicki wants to get invited to stay on the baby ranch, so she has to forge some records and look exhausted and Mike needs to be her worried, supportive partner, Ricky. Who’s Ricky? Why, of Ricky and Lucy, of course. Mike declines. Ike and Tina? George and Gracie? Moose and Squirrel?

Nope. Plain old Mike and Vicki.

She’s in! It doesn’t even take that much, honestly, they just tell him they’ve been trying for 5 years, since their honeymoon, and miscarriages, blah blah. Vicki will have to stay for at least a month, but they say they’re okay with that. To which Hobson replies, laughing, “Let’s have a baby!”

Mike and Vicki both think they got in too easy, so Mike’s first order of business – after he fills a cup with his “swimmers”, that is – will be doing a more thorough background check. Then they have to put on a show of saying goodbye, and they get a liiiiiittle too into the kissing.

Henry and Coreen head off to the Deskins’. Henry seems to get bad vibes from the sidewalk, but they go in anyway. Mr. Deskins says he’s surprised the testimonial is still up, it’s been so long. But without Hobson, they – he corrects himself, HE wouldn’t have had Travis. Mrs. Deskins is dead: fell off a ladder a few years ago.

Hobson’s process feels strange when you’re going through it, he says, but you can’t argue with the results. Henry says their client called it cultish, and keeps looking at a pic of Travis on the mantle. Deskins can see that, but he got a kid out of it, and of course he’s not in a tv show, he doesn’t know that his wife’s death was weird.

Travis, who looks to be maybe 10, tops, but probably closer to 7 or 8, comes through the door at this point. Did his friend’s dad walk him home? He shakes his head, stares at Henry – who sniffs him back – and then runs upstairs without a word.

So my bet is demon babies.

but, like, more!

Oh, no, wait: in the street, Coreen asks what lit a fire under Henry’s ass to leave so fast. Henry says there was blood on the kid – blood that wasn’t his.

Vicki’s welcomed warmly by a lady on the ward. she gives her whole name, and I’m beginning to wonder if this is a Canadian thing. I don’t know about y’all, but most of the time I introduce myself, I only give a first name. No one needs to be googling me because we chatted in an elevator or something.

Lady talks about all the hydrotherapy and green juice smoothies and shit, and how Hobson is so amazing, and Vicki murmurs agreement. Vicki looks around, doesn’t see Marlisse, and asks if that’s everyone. Turns out, the “Alpha Mommies”, the high risk pregnancies, are in another ward, no real contact. “No visitors?” Vicki says, and Lady says they visit, sometimes, but only if they bring “loving energy”.

a unicorn barfing rainbows

Coreen and Vicki have a phone call to catch the other up. Coreen says the blood on Travis was animal; a lot of pets are missing in the neighborhood. Vicki tells her and Henry to find more couples who used the clinic, and to check out those kids, too. I’m guessing we’re gonna find more dead moms.

Mike talks to someone who used to work with Hobson. She says he’s a good doctor, and his results are legitimately double. He went to Austria to study new IVF techniques about 10 years ago, came home all woo-woo holistic. She says that’s not concerning in and of itself, but Hobson doesn’t specify his techniques, hasn’t published, so who knows what’s really going on? She calls the mother “guinea pigs”, but, like, he’s clearly knocking them up with his demon seed. These women are being assaulted.

I didn’t like writing “demon seed” anymore than you liked reading it

During Vicki’s physical (which is just her drinking a smoothie), she asks the nurse? clinician? if anything goes wrong with the babies. He tells her to relax. The smoothie is to improve the uterine lining, and she’ll get plenty of rest and relaxation, and her baby will be fine. Everything is based on research, and Hobson knows what he’s doing – down to choosing the method of insemination for every patient. And hey, “you can’t argue with the results!”

That’s beginning to sound like some kind of spell, honestly. Literally everyone involved with the clinic has said that exact phrase. Creepy.

Vicki finds Marlisse, who is on bedrest at 36 weeks (human pregnancies are full term at 38). She says she’s never felt better, and that Vicki will get used to the smoothies, even if not the weird dreams that Hobson says are a standard side effect. I mean, yeah, you have weird dreams while you’re preggo, smoothies or no. I wanted her to describe them, but she moves on to asking about the outside world and telling Vicki that her husband (Mitch!) was ruining her positive aura with his negativity. He just doesn’t understand what this means for them, you see.

And then changes subject again: what’s Vicki’s story? She gives a line about waiting too long to start trying, and then says she wanted to meet Marlisse specifically, because no one else will tell her what the complete treatment is. Will her baby be healthy? Marlisse says of course! Just feel! and Vicki watches as her weird demon baby with a tail?!? pushes up against Marlisse’s stomach.

I knew it was gonna be icky

Vicki confesses that she was hired by Mitch. Marlisse is falling asleep, but Vicki tells her to be vigilant. Hobson comes to usher Vicki out, and it seems he didn’t hear any of her PI stuff.

Coreen finds another testimonial family and goes to see them. Lost pet posters all over the neighborhood, and as she climbs the steps to ring the bell, an 8 to 10 year old kid pushes past her. She says hi, he turns –

And it’s the same fuckin kid!

a chipmunk turning suddenly with dramatic sound effect
demon seed! demon seed!

Lady who welcomed Vicki is pregnant! She says Vicki’s next because Jonah – the clinician/nurse guy – likes her. And Jonah has a special sense for who gets pregnant. Is Jonah the demon?!?!?!

Coreen and Henry go back to see Mr. Deskins. Henry asks where Travis is, and Deskins says upstairs, doing homework. Coreen asks if Deskins ever heard any stories about the other kids born through the clinic as Travis sneaks out – and Henry follows.

Deskins says just the usual, kids who aren’t really yours, you put it out of your mind. But they did get a photo from one of the other families who had a kid around the same time they did – and it is, of course, the same kid.

Mike comes to visit Vicki, and they bring each other up to speed. Vicki tells him about Marlisse’s baby pressing against her skin and says she hope babies don’t do that and, uh, hate to tell you, Vick, there’s only so much room in there. Usually it’s not a whole baby and tail, it’s just hands and feet, but yes. You can see baby parts pressing against your belly. I thought it was one of the few perks of pregnancy, frankly.

She asks Mike to test the smoothies. Mike thinks she should leave, and not ingest anymore, but she’s gonna solve this first. More kissing.

Mr. Deskins says that Travis was a normal kid, but then after his mother died, he seemed not quite human. Meanwhile, Travis is luring another kid into the woods, because “we’re adventurers”. Travis tells him to wear a blindfold, and he’s gonna stab him, but of course Henry intervenes. He hypnotizes the kid to never play with Travis again. Kid runs away home, and now it’s Travis’s turn.

Henry tells him not to hurt other people, but Travis says “he wants me to. He tells me to!” Henry tells him he will not hurt people or animals, and Travis seems under control. Coreen and Henry catch up: she thinks Travis killed his mom, and Henry knows there’s a deep, deep evil inside him that won’t be held at bay for long.

Vicki gets caught looking in on a hydrotherapy affirmation session between Jonah and a patient. Hobson is furious, but fobbed off with an “I couldn’t sleep” and “I wanna know what the program is” – but he suggests Vicki should leave. She promises to trust the program more, and Hobson says that’s good, but he and Jonah share a look after she goes back to her room.

Coreen has a theory about changelings, but that’s just autistic people, Coreen. Henry asks if Vicki wants kids, and Coreen replies that “older women are always going on about their biological clocks.” Gross, Coreen.

misogyny is gross, Coreen

There’s a Germanic myth about dark elves who get human women pregnant, and there ya go. Schwarzalf, straight from Austria, courtesy of Jonah, no doubt. Vicki figures it out, too, by going through files. She sends a fax and seems to get away clean.

Mohadevan has tested the smoothies: Vicki’s is just fertility herbs, and Marlisse’s is to make someone happy and compliant. Mike calls Vicki to let her know; she makes Marlisse promise not to drink any more because it’s bad for the baby.

Vicki faxed Mike; Kate takes it out of the machine and it’s in code, advising Mike to check out Jonah.

Marlisse sees the weird baby tail, goes to Vicki for help. Vicki’s gonna break her out, but Jonah foils her and tells her to relax and accept his help later tonight. He locks her in her room.

Coreen brings Mike up to speed about the Schwarzalf in a scene that’s entirely too long, but the upshot of which is that yes, Jonah is the elf.

Henry comes to spring Vicki; Jonah pops his head in long enough to tell her that Marlisse is in labor, so Jonah will have to wait on assaulting Vicki. Henry brings Vick up to speed about Jonah being the elf and that iron will kill him. Vicki says they should end this now and a hallway fills with smoke for some reason?

ned flanders, fry, and other memes looking suspicious
sure, Jan

Marlisse has her baby and wants her husband. The baby seems fine.

In the mist hallway, Mike shows up and hits a creature – I assume the elf/Jonah – with a tire iron, and then the creature and the mist are just gone. I – you know what? I’ve run out of gifs. Just… imagine my dumb face all scrunched up, because why the fuck is this show always so bad in the last 10 minutes? Did everyone get tired? Did the network want “more action” or something? Why is it always a decent 20 minutes and then utter shit?

Jonah insists on holding Marlisse’s baby, and he turns into the elf. Henry saves the baby, Mike kills the elf, there’s gonna be some weird police interviews for this one. Henry says Marlisse’s baby still has darkness, but obviously no connection to the elf anymore.

And that’s the end, because of course we just trail off. And I knew this one was gonna be gross, but honestly, not as bad as I thought! This was actually a really engaging episode for me, until the end. None of the conflict was forced, everything made sense until the end. All in all, I’d give it 8/10. Solid B.

see you next week!

SGRoA: Blood Ties S1 E10: Necrodrome

SGRoA post 98 of 122

Two vampires enter, one vampire leaves. Or at least that’s what I said when I saw this episode title. Let’s dive right in!

Vicki and Henry are on an infidelity stakeout – Vicki is still a PI, after all. Henry tells a story about getting caught in flagrante with a Vegas mobster’s moll, and getting dumped in the dump. It’s cute, which is something new for this show.

Meanwhile, at a funeral home, the new guy is getting his embalming skills critiqued by I’m assuming his boss, an older undertaker. Neither of them seems thrilled, but young guy is especially bored-looking, in addition to wearing the world’s worst wig. They leave the dead guy to be filled or drained with red fluid, but the transfer is interrupted by a hooded figure, who brings the corpse back to life.

The body’s name is Diesel Swanson, and Boris, the older undertaker, has called Vicki in to look for the body. He doesn’t want to call the cops, wants “discretion”. The back door was “jimmied” open, and he doesn’t want to call the cops because he has the resurrection on camera – something he says the police wouldn’t understand.

Back at the office, Henry is sniffing the hell out of Vicki, and after an uncomfortable amount of time, he says she smells like death. No duh, she went to a funeral home. Why do you like it so much, Henry? Weirdo.

Vicki shows him the resurrection video. Henry says the necromancy is probably Egyptian, based on the mask of the necromancer. Guy left no prints, never showed his face, knew which door was closest to the body… Vicki thinks it’s an inside job.

So she and Henry head down to ask the ME if she knows Boris, the head undertaker, in a professional capacity. She does, has since she started the job. She doubts very much that he had anything to do with the resurrection: “Nobody likes an Easter weekend.”

woman in a green top doing a spit take
they hired funny writers this week, y’all!

Oh! She recommended Vicki to Boris! Thank God for subtitles, they literally have never said the ME’s name before this episode. It’s Dr. Mohadevan.

So it’s a no on Boris, no on another disgruntled employee. It really comes down to motive: maybe Swanson did it for himself? But Henry points out that Swanson has merely been reanimated, not resurrected: he has no free will, retains no personality. His animation serves only the necromancer who raised him, not his own ends, so it’s highly unlikely this was set up by Swanson or his widow.

Vicki goes back to talk to Ivan, Boris’ son, the young undertaker. He talks about growing up at the funeral home, how the other kids thought it was cool. He doesn’t seem entirely genuine, but maybe that’s the wig. Even his goatee looks suspect, though I’m pretty sure that’s real. Vicki asks about unhappy customers; he claims they’ve never had one.

On to the widow; this is, after all, a procedural. Swanson had been a boxer, but got a ban for betting against himself? for himself? doesn’t really matter. He was kind of a drunk, got a job at a local sports bar as a resident celebrity and got free drinks. Widow is packing to move to her sister’s, and seems sad, but not destroyed. Also seems like she didn’t have a reason to resurrect him, and doesn’t know anyone who would.

not a lot of jokes when they’re being competent, sorry

Vicki heads to the precinct, because of course we need Mike on this. He asks why the police weren’t called, and doesn’t interrupt when Vicki says Swanson is walking around. She asks if he’s heard anything about grave robbery; he says that’s major case squad; she asks him to keep an ear out.

Coreen has been investigating the mask; it represents Anubis, which she says all weird, AN-you-beess, whatever. It’s Canada.

Supposedly Anubis resurrected Osiris, which is not what I remember from Anne Rice, but hey, it’s mythology. So now all Vicki has to do is find an Egyptian necromancer operating in Toronto.

Vicki and Henry are fighting because… Henry didn’t want to work the case? When did that happen? Literally nothing happened at the medical examiner’s office or since then to indicate Henry didn’t want to help on this case. But he’s reacting to Vicki as if this is something they both know happened, that was in the text, that we the audience also know happened. Problem is that we don’t, and that this is how almost every conflict on this show is rendered. Nothing happens, suddenly everyone’s angry and they all know why. And I, like I hope a good chunk of their audience, am sitting here, staring at the TV with furrowed brow, absolutely fucking lost.

like. what???????

Don’t do this. Don’t write like this. I have no idea how so many people working on this show, week in, week out, were all just like, yeah, conflict happens for zero reasons all the time! this is a great script! but, like, just… explain shit! Give these people conversations! Stop cramming in conflict for its own sake!

ANYway… Egyptians believed the soul was split in 7 parts, all of which Henry knows, because when you’re alive for 400 years, you get to learn things, even if Vicki snarks about it. I swear, this show is so relentlessly neurotypical sometimes, why is being smart bad? Why do these people hate facts and think it’s ridiculous anyone would know anything?

Miss Piggy looking irritated or angry
I’m sorry, I’ll get over myself. Maybe.

OMG, it really is two dead guys enter, one dead guy leaves! Swanson is fighting in the Necrodrome! Announcer guy has a big ol’ mask on, probably the necromancer or knows them. There’s a cage, there’s lighting, there’s an audience. NECRODROME!

Dave lectures Mike about looking at the bright side of an early-morning body dump. He brought French crullers! And obviously the body is from the Necrodrome, a wrestler who died of an aneurysm a few months ago. Mike immediately makes the connection to Vicki’s boxer bodysnatcher, and Dave is confused – there hasn’t been a homicide?

Mike goes to see Dr. Mohadevan, who lets him know that Swanson might have been poisoned by Tylenol. So now he’s on the case, and when Vicki isn’t very helpful – because she doesn’t have anything new – he goes off to interview the widow.

Luckily, we stay in the precinct for Mohadevan’s autopsy of the wrestler guy. He has half a carved stone stuck in his throat, much like Swanson had something shoved in his mouth by the necromancer.

Mike’s interrogation of Mrs Swanson focuses on the Tylenol, whether or not he was poisoned. She maintains booze did him in: why doesn’t Mike go check the bar?

So Mike does, and I’ll be honest, I don’t know why we’re working the case twice? They cut this book down to 40 minutes and can’t give us an explanation for any of the fights, but we can have Vicki and Mike both do the same job twice? The bar bouncer gives Mike his full name, for some reason, probably because he’s the necromancer or some shit. Episode started off so well, and now nothing is funny *or* sensical.

After doing more book research, Vicki posits that the necromancer is the guy who wrote the thesis they’ve been using to research? Is that why we had a very weird conversation about Coreen having a friend at the museum who lets her borrow stuff? When were they going to tell us it was a phD thesis?

TELL YOUR AUDIENCE THINGS!

Henry and Vicki go to thesis guy’s apartment, I guess? They aren’t telling us, just Vicki says it’s thesis guy and then she and Henry meet Swanson in a stairwell. He can talk, apparently, good for him. He runs past them and jumps off a balcony and is just gone.

Henry and Vicki search the apartment. She finds a printed page of… HTML?!

They take the page to Coreen, who… types it into her computer? and they find the Necrodrome site? that plays video of the Necrodrome? A TYPED SHEET OF HTML?!?!?!?!?!?!

Y’all, I do not understand how computers work. I don’t understand how my phone works. I am a late-adopting, only know how to get on the internet because I got it when I was 18, certified GenX computer illiterate. And even I know that a printout of HTML is not going to get you any of this. WTF.

Vicki needs Necrodrome explained to her, so maybe it’s just that Vicki’s dumb and doesn’t know things, so lashes out at anyone with facts. She calls Mike to tell him about Necrodrome.

Oh, look, the bouncer guy is the thesis guy is the necromancer. At least someone knows some narrative tricks.

And now everything moves very fast: Mike tells Vicki to stay out of it; the computer nerd at the precinct finds the server for Necrodrome in Toronto; Henry hears a train announcement in the Necrodrome video. Everyone converges. Mike gets there first, and no, turns out Ivan is the necromancer. He’s killed thesis guy, but Mike will make a better challenger for the fight.

Vicki and Henry show up just before things get started. Henry hits the sirens in Mike’s car, so the audience scatters. Ivan monologues about the crimes – he doesn’t want to be an undertaker – and then Henry comes in and saves the day. They arrest Ivan, they let Swanson die again, and return him to the funeral home so his widow can see him.

Ok! That certainly was one of the television shows of all time! I hope you’re all backing the writers’ guild, because holy shitballs, is it apparently difficult to write 40 minutes of anything that makes sense. I mean, I only write novels, I get to edit as long as I want, I have to imagine the working conditions on this show were absolute garbage, because so is their output.

Just explain things!

SGRoA: Blood Ties, S1 E9: Stone Cold

SGRoA post 97 of 122

Okay, Snowflakes, I’ve had a bowl, my water bottle is full, and I’m ready to be shocked at the mediocrity of syndicated vampire TV from the aughts. Let’s do this!

Mike and Vicki are running. Things are still touchy – Mike did almost kill Henry, and Henry returned the favor. They’re both unhappy about all of it.

Two people are making out. She tells him to close his eyes and concentrate on other senses, and then we make him do a creative writing 101 exercise. He insists on doing it in front of a mirror, to better enjoy her beauty. She asks if he’d “do anything for her beauty”, and he says yes, and then she turns into motherfucking MEDUSA and turns him to stone.

Cut to Vicki’s office, and who should be in there but the victim’s agent: “He’s the kind of kid who never misses a booking.” Vic was named Brandon, an actor, “very dedicated to his craft.” She’s been referred by Cellucci; Vicki agrees to take the case. Coreen points out that Mike giving her a case is like another guy giving flowers. Vicki warns her not to give relationship advice.

Henry paints a portrait of his dame every year, to think about what she gave him and what she took away. Henry, therapy is easier, I promise. Vicki tears him away to go to the club where Brandon was last seen. Server remembers Brandon, and points Vicki to the “boss lady”, and of course, it’s Medusa.

She doesn’t give a name, and claims she doesn’t remember Brandon. She runs a clean club, so if it was drugs, he didn’t get them there, and she doesn’t remember him acting up with anyone at the club… but of course, the way she says it, we know he did, and that’s why she killed him. Good ol’ dramatic irony.

They both notice the snake tattoo on her chest, which I’m sure will come up later. Or, at least, it’d better, because I refuse to believe it’s only there so Vicki can be a jealous bitch [derogatory] about Henry looking at boobs. You’re not even dating him! WTF, Vicki? I hate some of this writing so goddamn much.

Henry did get some info at the club, as well: a website called Fox City, whose tagline is “Post Em and Boast Em”, with a bunch of photos of girls. Brandon was apparently a poster there, and the last thing he posted was *drumroll please*:

Medusa’s tattoo.

Mike also goes to the club and talks to Medusa, who tells him Vicki and Henry already asked. But this became a police matter just hours ago, so he had to ask… and Medusa had to flirt with him about it. Mike’s not bad-looking, I guess, but, like, he’s kind of awful? Oh, so, yeah, I should be rooting for her, huh.

Adele - Laughing
lol

Vicki and Henry break into Medusa’s house, and Henry hears a heartbeat – from a statue. Henry says it’s definitely alive, and then they hear someone at the door. Medusa has brought Cellucci home! Damn, girl, you work fast!

Vicki and Henry hightail it out of the house, and Henry grabs Brandon’s statue on the way out. They take it back to the office and brainstorm what could have turned a guy to stone. Henry points out that even though Medusa is Greek and owns the club where Brandon was last seen, they both looked her in the eyes and they aren’t stone, so. He also tells Vicki that Medusa brought home Mike Cellucci. Oh! Medusa’s name is Elena, I had missed that. Vicki says Mike just caught the case, that’s why he was there.

Marcia from the Brady Bunch saying "Sure, Jan"

Vicki goes to Mike the next day and tells him about Elena’s boobs on Brandon’s Fox City page. Mike proceeds to tell her it’s nothing and badger her about all the kinds of evidence she doesn’t have. They fight, and Mike reminds her that she’s off the case, since Brandon was officially reported missing. Vicki admits that, but has evidence! If Mike will just come to the office to see it… But Mike has to file paperwork on Elena’s burglary from last night, and that’s Vicki’s final straw. Mike is being manipulated and she’s not going to get through to him about it.

On her way back, Vicki drops by the club and leaves a message for Elena: “Ask her, does her house feel empty?” She immediately lets Henry know, and good thing: someone’s in the office. He attacks Vicki and they scuffle, but really, he’s here to smash Brandon.

Then there’s a whole scene where Henry comes to the office and he and Vicki talk about beauty and it’s all very terrible, and not very illuminating of character. I’ll spare you.

Mike goes to the club to pick up Elena. He tells her that Brandon had a crush one her; she pretends she didn’t know, though Vicki had been told as much and had already mentioned it the other night. She introduces Mike to her security guy, Dmitri. Mike goes to question him and Elena protests: “I thought we were going out.” Mike says it’ll just take a minute, and Elena is not pleased.

Dmitri says he likes working for Elena, he respects her. Mike prods him a little about the men who must bother her; Dmitri counters that Mike should be asking about Brandon. “Aren’t you looking for him? Why ask about her?” Mike says this is looking for Brandon, and there’s probably hope for him yet. Not completely a simp? is that how the kids say it?

Henry and Coreen go back to the club to see if there are statues in the VIP room, while Vicki buries Brandon. There are 5 or 6 more stone guys, and they get pics of all of them before Dmitri shows up.

Elena tries to make out with Mike, but he’s hesitant. She keeps asking if he finds her attractive, beautiful. He tells her that if she doesn’t have any confidence in her looks, he can’t provide it to her. She realizes he’s not in it for her looks when he tells her he would like to see her again, but he doesn’t do the fawning she seems to want. She assures him that wasn’t what she’s looking for, and he says he’ll call her.

They’ve figured out she’s Medusa, and Coreen takes us through the myth, how Athena punished her for being raped. Vicki goes on a little boomer rant about how Medusa can’t turn it around and cry victim while turning men to stone. Agree to disagree, Vick, we don’t know anything about these men. I’d like to hear the woman out first, actually. Coreen says Vicki should tell Mike; Vicki says Mike doesn’t want to hear it.

So Coreen calls Mike herself and tells him. And tells him that more of the victims were posting on Fox City, so, yeah, Vicki, I think she does get to turn a bunch of wannabe Tucker Maxes to stone. Absolutely.

I say again

Vicki has gone to confront Elena with pics of the victims and Elena says she can see why Mike called Vicki crazy. I mean, he definitely didn’t, and you’re not a nice person, Elena. Vicki isn’t the enemy, she’s just a cop, being a cop. You don’t need to make it personal, jeez.

Vicki goes to Henry’s to get a sword to kill Elena. Henry protests: Medusa is still in many respects very human. Has Vicki ever killed a human before? Will she be able to? Vicki has of course killed before! She was a cop!

Henry says he should hold the sword; Vicki insists she can murder, no problem.

At the club, or maybe her house, I’m losing steam in the back end here – Elena tells Dmitri to smash the statues. She tells him they’re still alive in there, Dmitri says he’s not afraid of her, and then Mike shows up (it’s definitely the club).

She sends Dmitri to get her a sandwich or something, and Mike very gently asks if the way she talks about her looks has something to do with trauma. Elena tells him about her sexual assault as Vicki and Henry creep up the back stairs, sword raised by Vicki already. Elena says she was made ugly, that she’s done things, and Mike asks if she’s “taken care of” those people who blamed her. She accuses him of being just like them, takes off a mask and turns him to stone.

But of course, Vicki’s here to stab her in the back – or, well, take off her head, and as soon as that’s done, everyone is alive again. Dmitri is crushed, however.

Mike meets Vicki in the forest, where she buried Brandon, and I think that she’s gonna tell him, oh, yeah, he got smashed and I buried him and here’s his body so his family can have some closure. NOPE! She tells him that Brandon’s agent hired her to get back $6000 she had loaned Brandon, and that Brandon had spent it on two plane tickets to Greece, because “he really thought they had something.” Uh-huh. Okay. Sure.

Mike says people fall in love with the wrong people all the time. Vicki agrees. End of episode.

Don’t really know how to feel about this one, kids. I mean, I definitely think any of this plot would have been better handled by almost anyone, but especially by anyone who knows what “nuance” means. But it wasn’t awful, so…. All in all, like a 70%. It passed. Barely.

SGRoA: Blood Ties, S1 E7: Heart of Ice

SGRoA post 95 of 122

Yes, the next episode is Heart of Fire, and maybe George RR Martin would be riled to hear it, but I’m betting these two are going to be more boring misogyny and baffling conflict-for-the-sake-of-conflict that comes outta nowhere. But let’s find out!

Vicki’s looking for an accountant who just stole $15 million. Cellucci’s hanging with her, because we start almost every episode at stasis: everything is fine with everyone, and we’ll get angry for no reason later. I appreciate the episodicality, the effort to make it a “drop by whenever!” sort of show, but I don’t know if it works so well here.

She goes through his cell records and finds a girlfriend, so case closed! Which is good, because Vicki needs to get paid. Cellucci offers to buy dinner, then invites her to Dylan’s birthday party on Saturday. Dylan is turning the big oh-seven, and he asked for “Aunt Vicki” to come to the party. Cellucci was over at Molly’s house, and Dylan overheard him talking about “seeing” Vicki again.

yeah, I don’t know either

But Molly’s always liked Vicki, which is nice, but Vicki passed on the birthday party.

Cut to a group of unhoused people, including Francine, who thinks the shelter can “keep their damn salty soup” and then is quickly murdered by something that growls and sees in black, white, and orange – like a FLIR infrared, but not, like, really. Artistic FLIR.

Francine’s friend Annie shows up to Vicki’s office, since Tyrell and Linda have also disappeared in recent weeks. Vicki remembers Annie from working the beat; Annie says Vicki was the only decent cop she ever met.

Annie knows

Cellucci and partner whose name I cannot remember show up to a different crime scene. There’s no blood, so we can definitely look forward to another unhinged Cellucci rant about Henry. 1 victim, a pretty young woman, fang marks on her throat. Cellucci scans the crowd and sees a guy who doesn’t belong: JULIAN MOTHERFUCKING SANDS.

I mean, that can’t be right, and also how sad, because he was just found dead on Mt. Baldy in California. He’d been missing for a while, but weather and other conditions prevented a big search.

In any case, Cellucci tells the crime scene photog to get pics of the guy, but he’s already bolted. Dave, the partner whose name I should remember because it’s the same as my house skeleton, says it’s fine, they’ve been taking pics for ages, they’ll have him.

Vicki goes with Annie to the encampment and searches Francine’s space. No one new around the camp, no one had a beef with Francine. A lot of her stuff is gone already, which is to be expected, but doesn’t give Vicki any clues. She follows some drag marks to a culvert, and they find Francine’s bag.

At the precinct , Captain Lady is going through Cellucci’s desk and haranguing him about going through cold cases. He thinks it’s a copycat or repeat of a “vampire” killer; she’s a bitch for no reason, as usual. Do you not, like, have your own job to do, Cap? You just spend your days and taxpayer funds micromanaging Cellucci 40 hrs a week?

Henry is working while Vicki wants help with her case. Henry’s mad about it before Vicki says she wants to use his nose like some sort of fanged bloodhound, and then Vicki bounces, so the point of this scene is…absolutely nothing. Excellent!

Vicki takes Annie and the bag to Cellucci, who hates the unhoused and thinks their problems aren’t worth investigating. In other words, a “good cop”. Vicki badgers him, and finally he says he’ll help her if she helps him.

Oh! Henry goes to the culvert where the bag was and starts sniffing. They should have put this right after the other scene, because otherwise it looks dumb and pointless, but I don’t know why I expect these people to know how to write. (Credit where it’s due: this episode is much better than the last couple, but they don’t get a free pass just because they managed to follow the rules of procedurals for 15 minutes.) He hears the growling and does his little black-eyed vamped out routine.

Cellucci shows Vicki his vic. She tells him that Henry doesn’t kill, and Cellucci doesn’t buy it. She also alibis Henry, which he also doesn’t buy. Cellucci says if Henry didn’t do it, he’ll help Cellucci solve it. Sounds fun.

Henry runs into what is obviously a human who says he’s hunting a “windigo”, according to the captions, so I assume a Wendigo, which is the usual spelling.

sooooooooory about the spelling, eh?

So Henry brings the guy back to Vicki’s, where he (guy) describes the Wendigo as “pure hunger”, which will crack and gnaw one’s bones. Guy maintains it killed Francine, and he knows because he’s met the Wendigo before. It killed his dad, but never came at him, so he’s been hunting it ever since. Anyone who sees the Wendigo is marked for death; it’s followed him here. Oh, he’s unhoused, too. Huh. Didn’t look it, weird.

Henry says the cops can handle this, and Vicki agrees, especially since her deal with Cellucci. Henry refuses to help, though, so who knows.

OMG, IT IS JULIAN SANDS!!!!!! Holy shit. How did they get an actual name in this fuckin show?!?!

I love him, this is great

His name is Javier Mendoza, pronounced like a Castillian. He says he’s hunting for Cellucci’s killer, and they both know who it is: Henry Fitzroy.

a chipmunk turning suddenly with dramatic sound effect

Coreen is telling Vicki the history of Wendigo myths, that they all stem from people not wanting to believe how fast other people turn to cannibalism in the wilderness, and I’ll tell you what, I don’t like thinking about it either. There was some thread I ran across on Twitter during the Titanic submersible debacle that discussed it, from some sort of expert, and, like, do not go looking for facts if you are easily squicked. People like to eat people, it’s weird.

Javier Mendoza is an officer of the law – CANON LAW. He’s working for the Church, trying to bring Henry down. Delightfully unhinged. Catholics would try to hunt mythical creatures before pedos, wouldn’t they. Makes sense!

Mendoza says he has a way to neutralize vampires so they don’t kill again; he offers them “salvation”. Please. He wants Cellucci to turn Henry over, after claiming that Henry killed a woman around 50 years ago, after “seducing” her. I’ll put real cash money down that she’s related to Mendoza in some way, and that Henry isn’t responsible. I know how narrative works, and I’m pleasantly surprised that this episode seems to as well.

Cellucci, Vicki, and Henry get together to discuss the vampire cases. Henry maintains he didn’t do it. Cellucci asks if there are any other vampires in town he should know about –

….mayyyyyyybe!

– to which Henry replies, “We’re not all in the same book club.”

Y’all, I cackled.

Cellucci has brought every cold cases he thinks Henry’s involved in and starts badgering Henry. Henry recognizes the woman Mendoza brought, and says that yes, he killed her. No further details, and Cellucci knows he can’t bring charges for a 1944 murder, so Henry and Vicki leave, heading back to the encampment.

They go down into the sewer to look for more clues and run into Indigenous Guy from before. There’s growling, and all three of them head further in to hunt the thing. Which they find, and which attacks Henry and Vicki, but lets them go in favor of Guy. Henry ends up injured, and Vicki offers to feed him, but he refuses and says he’ll drop her off. They won’t be catching a Wendigo tonight.

There’s a little montage, and then Cellucci has a “hypothetical” conversation with another detective. If you knew who the killer was, but couldn’t make it stick, and another agency said they could deal with it and put the killer away – would she turn it over, even if the other agency maybe wasn’t as on the up-and-up as the regular cops?

She says she’d hand him over, because the important thing is to get the bad guy off the street. Even if that means no due process.

just a lil reminder

Coreen is still researching how to kill the Wendigo. She’s got silver bullets and hearts made of ice, and Vicki connects Guy hiding by the fire and Annie being near the fire to the ice heart, so they’re gonna try fire to kill it. Henry doesn’t think it’s their job, and he’s stayed alive by “picking his battles”, but Vicki rightly points out that there is no one else. Guy died, and he was the only one to even know what it was. Cops aren’t gonna touch this. Henry gives in.

Cellucci meets Mendoza at a dumpster, nice place. Mendoza maintains that Henry is just running around seducing and killing women all over the place for the last half-millennium. he says he needs Cellucci’s help, needs him to use some weird object on Henry to sap his power so Mendoza can kill him. Cellucci is hesitant, so Mendoza throws in a little misogyny to get the job done: it’s the only way to save Vicki from Henry’s clutches.

captain kathryn janeway, rolling her eyes

Vicki has a super soaker flamethrower, which is a choice on the prop master’s part. Explains why it was only a hundred bucks, though.

Oh, look at that: Mendoza has his “murder victim” imprisoned, and he’s going to let the sun kill her, because she’s a vampire. He tells her that he’s going to “save” Henry, too. Yup. That’s a canon cop.

Cellucci goes to find Vicki, but runs into Coreen, who presses some silver bullets on him. She describes them as “supernatural penicillin” – even if they don’t kill a creature, silver will almost always hurt one, or weaken it.

Vicki and Henry find the Wendigo, but Vicki’s flamethrower craps out at the last minute. Cellucci saves them with the bullets – yay! But then puts the object on Henry and reveals Mendoza – boo!

Mendoza takes Cellucci’s gun and locks him and Vicki out of the room he’s got Henry in. (Why the sewers have rooms with gates and locks, I have zero idea.) Vicki and Cellucci leave Mendoza to it, and the episode ends.

TWO-PARTER! I would have preferred a more drawn out battle with the Wendigo, then, but I guess we have to leave a full 40 minutes to defeat poor Julian Sands. See ya next week!

SGRoA: Blood Ties, S1 E8: Heart of Fire

SGRoA post 96 of 122

Y’all. I will not lie to you: I am high as shit rn, had a whole bowl and then remembered it was recap writing day. But! I will not leave all, like, 4 of you who read these in the lurch! And who knows, I’ll probably be funnier, that would be my luck. Let’s do this thing!

You may remember from our last episode that Mike “Goddamn” Cellucci put an amulet on Henry “Fucking” Fitzroy (yes, I gave them nicknames) so that Julian Sands could capture and kill Henry on behalf of The Church. This was all after killing a Wendigo and solving the last case, as well. Busy bees!

So we open on Mike and Vicki exiting the sewers. Vicki is pissed. They have a huge fight in the street where Cellucci blames his bad behavior on being a cop, and for once, I agree!

Julian (I forgot his character name, sorry) is torturing Henry, obvies. I don’t know what’s actually more painful: the physical torture, or the quoting of Revelation. A hundred smutty fanfics have been inspired by Henry on that St. Andrew’s cross though, I know that.

At Vicki’s office, she and Mike have stopped fighting, and he’s telling her about the amulet. It’s called the iluminacion del sol, shaped like a sun with 8 rays. Vicki sends him back to the precinct to look up everything he can find on Javier Mendoza, which is Julian’s character!

Oh, lol, I completely forgot there was another case, with the vampire-bitten sex worker. Oops. Dave found out her name: Amy Davidson, street name Champagne. Captain Lady is on a rampage, so that Kate girl says she’ll cover for Cellucci’s absence and babysit his I guess unauthorized search for Mendoza’s background.

not that sorry, but, y’know

Javier is reading Henry’s biography, for some reason? or, like, charges? court charges of… vampirism?

Wait, it’s a flashback, Julian is the priest in both timelines. Really getting the vibe that part 2 here was not written by the part one writers, tell you what. It lasts like 15 seconds, anyway, I don’t know why it’s here?

Mike and Vicki question a friend of Champagne’s, ask if she ever had a date with Javier. Friend doesn’t know, but Friend definitely did. He took her to an old church, where he had a woman chained in the basement. The woman tried to bite Friend, who pepper sprayed everything and ran.

So that would be the vampire that Henry made, and Javier killed in the last episode to “save her soul” after repeated torture. Nice. Didn’t think this storyline was gonna go anywhere, seeing as how I forgot it existed, but I take back my earlier critique.

In Flashback Time, Henry asks the girl…guarding him? (ok, sure jan) for water. It’s the mid 1500s, and she’s got a loose veil hanging long from one pin in the back of her long, flowing hair. Historical accuracy is, uh, not a concept for these guys, eh? And then we’re back in the present, where Javier attaches some tubing to the Iluminacion del sol and starts emptying Henry of his blood.

spock and kirk from TOS. kirk says "whut?"

Like. Can you use vamp blood like that? Just, like, throw it on your plants or put it in moisturizer or something? Will it weaken Henry to lose it like it does humans? Why does Henry have blood flowing like humans do? Is that vampire biology, do they make blood? All the time? I’ve been thinking they eat the blood, and then the body converts that to whatever systems/substance animates them, like we do with food, just, like, way more efficient. And maybe magical, I’m not sure, it’s fantasy, after all, and I’m not a world-builder. This is just so… weird.

So Coreen is researching the Iluminacion, and she goes to see some professor named Dr. Sagara, and clearly we are supposed to know this person, who also knows Henry – but you guys, I have no clue who this bitch [affectionate] is. Never seen her, hadn’t heard the name except when Vicki said it a couple scenes back.

More torture – ohhhhhhhh, the bloodletting is so he’ll be hungry! Doesn’t explain why it’s in his veins, tho, but whatevs. Blah blah God, blah blah torture, blah blah Flashback Time.

Vicki and Mike roll up to the church, so confrontation and rescue are imminent – or are they? We’re only halfway through.

Javier shows Henry Delphine’s “confession” for more torture. A lot of monologuing from our villain.

Plot Twist! Delphine is alive, in the church Vicki and Mike went to. But before they can rescue her, the blinds open automatically and she’s sunlit toast. They search the church and find that Javier had been surveiling them. Mike is getting cold feet about being a dick to Henry: he thinks no one should die like Delphine did. “She wasn’t alive,” sneers Vicki, but to his credit he won’t be needled like that. “No, I mean, no one should have to be so vulnerable and alone.” Right on, man. Maybe someday I’ll take the “Goddamn” out your name

They head back to the precinct to regroup, and Kate has the results of the background on Javier Mendoza: bupkis. But she googled the name on the off chance, and he was a Grand Inquisitor who specialized in getting confessions out of witches.

to be honest , I kinda saw it coming this time

Apparently at the church they found a cup with stuff in it. Turns out that’s a Chinese herb for longevity and vampire blood. Javier has been making his own immortality potion to hunt vampires. Damn! Van Helsings could never. They do some actual investigative work and figure out Javier is hiding in another church – walking distance to Chinatown, just like the last hideout.

Vicki and Mike are checking churches, she wants to split up, he doesn’t, so obviously they do. I assume this was solely so Mike could complain about Vicki’s demon tattoos and how they seem to protect her, and so she would be in more danger when she finds Javier.

More Flashback Time with Henry and 2007 1500s girl. I’ll be honest, I don’t care, but it does show us that Henry isn’t hurt by holy objects. Girl lets him out and he eats her, which seems mean. Oh, wait, he changes her. Seems like that would need more consent, but ok.

Dr. Crusher rolling her eyes with the caption, Sure, Jan, from the Brady Bunch meme

Vicki is indeed in a bunch of danger: Javier grabs her before she even knows it’s the right church. He uses her as another form of torture, and reveals he’s still mad about 1500s Girl, cuz he had to kill her.

Mike calls Coreen when Vicki doesn’t call in. She has news about the Iluminacion: it steals the vampirism out of people, and Javier will have a key for it that will release if turned counterclockwise, but will destroy the heart if turned clockwise.

Javier leaves Henry and Vicki alone, but Vicki saws through her ropes. Mike runs into Javier on his way out; his pistol-whips him and takes the key. He bursts into the room and Henry attacks him, but Mike still gives up the key and the way to save Henry. But Henry doesn’t drink that much, just enough to go after Javier – whom he summarily devours, after saying a decidedly post-Vatican II Catholic grace.

Vicki pockets the Iluminacion, and everybody goes home. The end!

Gotta say, everything picked up with this two-parter. I was much happier doing these two recaps than I’ve been since FK ended, truth told! Decent pacing, a pretty good story, adequate – sometimes good! – writing. Let’s hope they keep it up!

SGRoA: Blood Ties, S1 E6: Love Hurts

SGRoA post 94 of 122

All I can think is this:

such a good movie, highly recommend, it was free on Tubi a little while ago

We open at Vicki’s office, where she’s talking to the Gary Shandling you get on Wish about following his wife to prove cheating. For whatever reasons, she’s trying to talk him out of it? Vicki, how do you pay your bills?

Coreen wants it to be a fun little X-File, but Vicki says it’s not. And in the next scene, we do see that she is cheating, and her husband’s name is actually Gary. And then, of course, she’s dead, because this is a spooky cop show, after all.

Ooh, daylight’s all blue-filtered again. Are we Twilighting here? Vicki shows up to Gary Shandling’s ritzy house, swarming with cops, because Gary called her as well after finding his wife dead. 2007 TV hairdressers have gotten to Vicki, too, and it’s a tragedy of big, barrell-rolled half-waves all going the same direction and never moving. I’m glad TV people got big into braids and shit again; the aughts were a terrible time for TV hair.

Vicki goes out for drinks with Henry, who… does magic to her martini when she complains about it? Can he just… do that? WTF kind of vampire are you, Henry?

and also, wtf did you do to the drink? more gin? more vermouth? olive juice? WHAT?!

Anyway, Vicki’s complaining that Gary made a joke about hiring a hitman, and then his wife’s dead, and she doesn’t like being an alibi. Henry maintains she’s complaining because regular murder is boring, and yikes, even if it is, like, it’s murder? She really shouldn’t be complaining that someone else’s life ending horribly is “boring”, come on now. I already hate all of you people; don’t make it worse.

Henry asks if her client is afraid of the “justice” system, and she warns him not to talk bad about the cops, and what the fuck did I just ask for, Vicki? Did I ask for you to go all “back the blue” and be more of an asshole? No, I did not.

no, I don’t know why they’re always cops. or working with cops. not my fave genre, but I make do

Vicki won’t say Mike is bad at his job, so Henry leaves.

Next day, Vicki’s asking the trophy wives in the neighborhood what happened. They maintain that they’re all very happy, someone broke in to kill Gary’s Wife (I missed her name, sorry, I’m not rewinding), and it couldn’t have been anyone they’ve hired, because they vet everyone before they’re allowed in the neighborhood. Also, they all share the same gardener, who was “teaching us flower arranging” last night during the murder. Sure, sounds legit.

Mike and partner have nothing, all the prints have checked out. Oh, Dave, his partner’s name is Dave! Anyway, some woman hands Cellucci a file (Kate), and Dave makes some crack about them being in love? and then she says that whoever sent the file says that next time Cellucci wants a case from 1932, he can go fuck himself. Only, you know, no swearing. Also, who the fuck is Kate? Why is Dave making cracks about them flirting? WHY DOES THIS SHOW MAKE ZERO GODDAMN SENSE?

me, looking up “last writers strike” and going OHHHHHHHHHHHHH

Vicki chats up the gardener. He says he gave a class in flower arranging. Marcy didn’t go, and now I know the vic’s name is Marcy, though she was invited. The gardener is hitting on Vicki hard-core, standing way too close, giving her flowers, quoting poetry. Vicki giggles and tries to get the interview back on track, but fails, because…the guy is hot, I guess? Seems kinda gross and too familiar to me, but what do I know, turns out the A in A spec doesn’t just stand for autism, so, you know.

She then runs into one of the other husbands, who’s looking for his wife in his backyard, where Vicki’s been giggling at the gardener. He doesn’t have any real ideas, except for Gary. He has a whole collection of figurines that his anthropologist mother collected, and I assume they’re, like, erotic? because that’s how Vicki reacts, though most of them seem to be just heads. I hope this comes up again later, because I also had to sit through the line, “Women were really women back then,” and I would like my money back. (I spent no money on this DVD, it was a gift, but honestly, is my time not worth anything?)

So, so far, we have a sex-obsessed trophy-wife village, Henry doing bizarre magics that don’t seem to accomplish anything (colder? maybe he made the drink colder? the captions said “whoosh”?), a creepy gardener, Cellucci and a random extra, and anthropological statues that are sexy, despite a complete lack of phalluses. Great episode, thrilled that we still have… holy shit, more than 30 minutes to go.

a little pink person with a yellow speech bubble that says "oh no"

Pointless scene to almost kiss Henry, and then… the gardener is in Vicki’s dreams. Ah. Got it. Gardener is a weird creature, or witch, or whatever, killed Marcy while also giving flower lessons. Excellent. Now I just have to sit through…28 more minutes. Delightful.

More pointlessness with Henry. I think it’s supposed to be banter, like they’re in a 40s movie or something, but it’s just bad. Like, very badly written, and it’s not advancing the story of the episode or the story of the characters, so why is it here? Why am I sitting through this? (I mean, I do it for you guys, but besides that?)

Vicki goes to see Mike, he dismisses the gardener. She asks him to dinner, he gets jealous about Henry, and again, I’M BORED. It’s a procedural, get back to the fucking procedure. We know Mike hates Henry. We know he’s still hung up on Vicki. WE FUCKING KNOW.

So Vicki takes Henry to the country club to unleash his “mojo” on the trophy wives, since Vicki thinks they’re lying about the flower-arranging class. Henry says he doesn’t have “mojo”, but he did weird magic to Vicki’s drinks that did apparently nothing and she was then happy with said drinks, so, like, it’s more than charm, obviously, Henry. And more weird jealousy-nonsense about Henry biting the trophy wives.

I might be having a less-than-stellar pain day, too, but come on. Boring.

This country club looks like a 90s McMansion, so I guess none of these people is old money. Henry can’t find any evidence the trophy wives are lying, though. Coreen and Vicki are talking about Henry and Mike, of course, on their way back to the neighborhood to interview the gardener again, for some reason. Because whoever wrote this episode is not an actual human, is my guess, but maybe they’re just neurotypical, same difference.

Coreen posits that the killer is an incubus, and then they both hear screaming and Vicki busts into someone’s bedroom. There’s a hooded figure and a bright blue light coming out of the woman’s mouth, and then the figure is gone and no one’s seen anything. For some reason the anthropologist’s son is there, along with the lady’s husband? and Coreen? OK, sure.

Oh, because it’s an incubus, the episode is supposed to be sexy? Got it. Maybe have it written by someone who’s, I dunno, like, HAD SEX, tho? None of this reads as “sexy” unless you’re, like, 11 and don’t know what the word actually means yet.

Aha! The anthropological things can be used to summon incubi. At least they came back around to those, though someone should really have googled for five seconds before creating them. Apparently, the wives have a drinking – excuse me, “networking” group, where they get drunk as shit. They played with the artifacts one night and then the gardener showed up the next week, so seems like he’s the incubus and I was right.

Less than 15 minutes to go!

Arguing with Mike about whether or not incubi exist, and secondarily, whether one is at work in this case. Yawn. They need to use “sexually frustrated” Vicki as bait to trap the incubus. Vicki goes to borrow the artifact. Dude who owns it is mad about it, especially because his wife paid off the mini-mansion mortgage. Yawn. Henry and Mike are both at the trapping, with Vicki in her underwear. Jealous fighting. Yawn.

hail, hail, the gang’s all here!

They trap the incubus, he says he didn’t kill anyone. He gets food, shelter, and sex from the gardener job, he loves the women, what’s his motive? Fair point, dude, and this actor is putting his whole ass into the work, but still. Coreen’s hair is very, very weird. They move onto another artifact, one of the Furies: Megara.

she could never

But she did, and they go to the last trophy wife’s house and save her. The fucking end.

I remembered this show being not very good, but still fun. Much like I remembered Moonlight. I don’t know what I was smoking in 2007 (not true, it was nothing, I wasn’t even on cigarettes then!), but I watched all these shows, and I did not remember them being the absolute steaming piles they have turned out to be. Is it hindsight? Is it changing social mores? I don’t know.

And I know these recaps aren’t as fun as, say, a good FK episode, but, like, WHY ARE THEY SO BAD. I know there was a writers’ strike in ’07; I had no idea they hired ten-year-olds off the street to write absolutely insane trash and then put that on the actual television.

No wonder these things only got single seasons. I wouldn’t be able to slog through more than that.

ANYWAY – I’ll be back next week, ever hoping for a half-decent 45 minutes of television, but I don’t have high hopes. If y’all have any vampire show suggestions, I’m down, because oh my god. Could something else be worse? Yes, of course, crappiness has no boundaries. But I’m getting to a point where it feels like anything could also be better, and I want to have fun! I want to make cool jokes! I don’t want to have to keep being like “why are NTs like this”, because it’s boring!

I love you guys, and I love recapping, but I dunno. Might have to start recapping the YouTubers I watch – at least they’re interesting!