SGRoA: Forever Knight S01 E13: Father Figure

SGRoA post 13 of 72

Guys. I am old, and it sucks. I threw my back out on Monday, and here I am, four whole days later, just now able to sit and do this recap. But I’ll have to go back to my heating pad afterward. I am a sad panda this week, and you’re lucky you can’t see my house. Feel bad for the Mr. and the Mini, because I was totally lying down on the job.

But! Recaps you want, and recaps you shall have! Nothing is too painful for my Snowflake army!

In Toronto, they sell comics at the newsstand. But of course our child protagonist isn’t buying – she’s stealing, the little brat. She runs away with her ill-gotten gains, and runs into some old dude who promptly gets shot by a couple of suburban dads with hilarious Canadian accents.

ForeverKnight S01E13 01

“You shoulda checked your arithmetic, Maaaarty. You shoulda checked your arithmetic.” So I’m guessing this guy was an accountant for the Dad Mafia, and he probably left the door open in winter and made them heat the whole neighborhood.

Little Thief saw it all, so now she’s a witness to the perfidy of late-thirtysomethings whose wives left them without a honey-do list to fill their weekend.

The cops don’t roll up to investigate until after dark, even though it seemed to be the middle of the day when the hit went down. Schenke’s at a school concert, so Nick’s partner of the moment is some Indian dude we’ll never see again. But, hey, points for diversity, Metro PD.

Marty was indeed a mob accountant – “Marty Spreadsheets”. Nick actually refers to the mob as “wiseguys”. Looks like a textbook hit, and everyone’s getting ready to pack it in when Nick vamps out and finds the little girl, whose first line is, “I didn’t do it.” What kind of a dystopian hellscape is 90s Toronto that a 12-year-old thinks she’ll be blamed for a mob hit?!

Random Detective tells Nick he did a good job with the girl – in the five words he said to her – and that he should think about having kids someday. Turns out, Nick totes wants to parent, and we’re back to London during the Blitz and some urchin stealing from people in evening clothes and uniforms – Janette in the former, Nick and Lacroix in the latter. This kid has absolutely the worst Cockney accent I’ve ever heard. Uh-oh. Looks like Janette is having inconvenient uterus-feelings.

Back at the precinct, Stonetree is giving guardianship of the witness, Lisa, to Nick. Turns out Lisa’s last name should be Longstocking, because her mom is dead and her dad is on an oil rig and she basically roams the streets by herself. Oh, sure, she had a nanny with a Quebecois accent, but the nanny seems unable to keep her out of trouble. Nanny makes a lot of excuses, and Nick says no one’s blaming her.

Um, guys. I’m pretty sure it’s your job to keep kids from being neglected.

Professionalism - Just Getting By

Sometimes, not even that much.

Anyway. Everyone’s giving Nick’s objections to babysitting the old childfree treatment – “You’ll do fine! Now you’ll want your own! Aren’t you a little old to still not have bred?!” – but I’m with Nick on this one. Also, I’m with common sense on this one. Who hands a little girl to a single dude with no family? Cop or no cop, that’s…asking for trouble? A bad idea? A potential lawsuit? All of the above? Sometimes, the contortions this show goes through for its plots are truly epic.

Lisa’s telling nun jokes in the break room. Who is this kid? Maybe she did do it. Nick takes her home in an unmarked Pontiac, because…I got nuthin’. He makes small talk with her about her dad and comics, and whoever wrote this one is trying to make her super-adorable, but the actress is doing a good job at just being an actual kid, so props to her. Someone pulls a drive-by on them, but Nick notices they’re being followed and saves the day.

Turns out he got shot, and while he’s calling Nat to have her come over and pull the bullet out, Lisa finds his fridge full of blood and asks if he has a drinking problem. Nick then calls Schenke to tell him they’ve been made, oh, and bring some food for this human kid, but Schenke’s watching his favorite show and doesn’t want to leave the house.

That show?

Yeah, it's stuck in my head, too.

Yeah, it’s stuck in my head, too.

There’s some adorable (barf) banter, and then it’s back to London and Janette’s inconvenient uterus. Lacroix doesn’t have much to say, which isn’t surprising to me, because I know all the spoilers from later in the show. Let’s just say that tween-aged children probably trigger some vampire PTSD for him.

Nick and Janette don’t care, of course, and are lavishing presents on the urchin and playing happy family. This, as Lacroix’s raised eyebrow and distance from the kid tell us, will not end well.

I hope they're not Nazis, but I don't feel very confident about it.

I hope they’re not Nazis, but I don’t feel very confident about it.

Blah blah, more sad kid conversation. I so don’t care.

Schenke shows up with food and the news that the shooters used a rental with a stolen credit-card and they can’t trace it, but they’re all over ballistics and search warrants and lineups. Too bad the Dad Mafia is also hard at work, making plans to kill Nick and the kid on their amazing new technology.

Trust me, it's the same guy. That accent is still ridiculous.

Trust me, it’s the same guy. That accent is still ridiculous.

Nat comes to take the bullet out of Nick’s shoulder, and the wound is still open, which is a “definite improvement”. Apparently she’s had him on fake blood and some sort of “program” to turn him human again, and it must be working because he can see himself in the mirror and feel pain.

scratch

What the what now? Since when do vampires not feel pain? Heal quickly, yes. Not be incapacitated by pain, sure. But failing to feel it? That’s dangerous.

Just ask him. You know, when you're done drooling. YOU'RE WELCOME.

Just ask him. You know, when you’re done drooling. YOU’RE WELCOME.

Nat gets the bullet – a .357 – and then we have to talk about Nick’s feelings about children. Barf. But then it’s time for more Lacroix!

Lacroix suggests they keep the kid, because it’s what Janette wants, and because the kid would “never betray his own.” He thinks making the kid a vampire would be an “interesting experiment”.

Lacroix. Whut are you doin? Lacroix, stahp. I’m just going to say it: Livia. Livia, Livia, Livia. STAHP.

Nick puts Lisa in his bed, on his gross black-and-red satin sheets. Oh, barf-o-rama. Also, if he can’t feel anything, why bother with satin sheets? Isn’t the point that they feel nice on the skin? Lisa tells Nick some bedtime stories about her dad killing sharks with scuba knives and how much she misses him and her mom and how her mom’s car accident was all her fault, and so is Marty Spreadsheets’s murder. You know, fun stuff to help everyone sleep.

In London, Nick puts the mojo on the urchin – who’s been with them long enough to get a haircut and new clothes and learn to play the piano – and tells him to leave because he’s in danger. So, good on you, Nick.

While Lisa’s sleeping upstairs, Nick is bottling his own blood from a giant barrel in his kitchen. Using a gravy boat. While wearing a puffy shirt. Like you do.

I wasn't kidding.

I wasn’t kidding.

I…am speechless. I have no idea what that scene was about. I don’t – I can’t – What?

Dad Mafia has found Nick’s loft, and they show up in a brand-new panel van, dressed as workmen of some sort. Lisa gets herself up, gets some pizza, and pours herself a glass of “wine”. Jeez. I think this kid has some more serious problems than anyone cares to know.

She tries to wake Nick up, which is impossible, seeing as he’s dead, but gives up pretty easily only to open his shutters a little and almost burn his face off. So there’s one more thing she can add to her list of faults. Nick’s blundering around the apartment, trying to heal, but he’s been temporarily blinded, and this makes him remember that Lacroix and Janette tracked down their British urchin and turned him into a vampire.

You moron.

You moron.

I have to assume the writers had no idea what was going to come out about Lacroix in later seasons, because this – No. He would have taken no part in making a child vampire. None. I can’t even blame it on long-forgotten fatherly feeling, because surely that impulse is embodied by Janette and Nick, his new “children”. Livia’s existence precludes a child-turning Lacroix – or this episode needs a better explanation than “Janette wanted it.”

Schenke’s giving parenting advice to Lisa’s father while Dad Mafia are breaking in to the loft. Nick’s all vamped out, so even if he’s blind, he can still take down the bad guys. Lisa sees him all fangy and asks if she’s dreaming it. Nick defeats the other bad guy and can suddenly see again, and he puts the mojo on Lisa to make her forget what she saw.

Meanwhile, there’s been a call about an explosion at Nick’s place. O…kay? There wasn’t, but whatever, a bunch of squads and Schenke are on their way. Lisa is returned to her father, and everything’s fine. Except we never find out what happened to the urchin vampire.

Ugh. Guys. This one was so bad. The kid was a good actress, but the plot contortions, the absolutely out of character behavior, the childfree bashing – Just ugh. All over.

Hopefully, next week will be better, because we have the obligatory rock-star-accused-of-murder plot. FK probably won’t do it better than Castle, or Law&Order, or – well, any cop show, really, but it has to be better than this was.

 

Show SGRoA Post List
  • Super Giant Recaps of Awesome: Forever Knight S01E01: Dark Knight Part 1
  • SGRoA: Forever Knight S01 E02: Dark Knight Part 2
  • SGRoA: Forever Knight S01 E03: For I Have Sinned
  • SGRoA: Forever Knight S01 E04: Last Act, Gladiator Edition
  • SGRoA: Forever Knight S01 E05: Dance By The Light Of The Moon
  • SGRoA: Forever Knight S01 E06: Dying To Know You
  • SGRoA: Forever Knight S01 E07: False Witness
  • SGRoA: Forever Knight S01 E08: Cherry Blossoms
  • SGRoA: Forever Knight S01 E09: I Will Repay
  • SGRoA: Forever Knight S01 E10: Dead Air: Thumbs Up Gif Party Edition
  • SGRoA: Forever Knight S01 E11: Dead Issue
  • SGRoA: Forever Knight S01 E12: Hunters
  • SGRoA: Forever Knight S01 E13: Father Figure
  • SGRoA: Forever Knight S01 E14: Dying For Fame: Science Channel Edition
  • SGRoA: Forever Knight S01 E15: Spin Doctor: Cute Kitten Edition
  • SGRoA: Forever Knight S01 E16: Only The Lonely: Tina Fey and Amy Poehler Edition
  • SGRoA: Forever Knight S01 E17: Unreality TV
  • SGRoA: Forever Knight S01 E18: Feeding The Beast
  • SGRoA: Forever Knight S01 E19: 1966
  • SGRoA: Forever Knight S01 E20: If Looks Could Kill
  • SGRoA: Forever Knight S01 E21: Fatal Mistake
  • SGRoA: Forever Knight S01 E22: Love You To Death
  • SGRoA: Forever Knight S02 E01: Killer Instinct: Basic Edition
  • SGRoA: Forever Knight S02 E01.5: Killer Instinct, Commentary Edition
  • SGRoA: Forever Knight S02 E02: A Fate Worse Than Death
  • SGRoA: Forever Knight S02 E03: Stranger Than Fiction
  • SGRoA: Forever Knight S02 E04: Bad Blood
  • SGRoA: Forever Knight S02 E05: Forward Into The Past
  • SGRoA: Forever Knight S02 E06: Capital Offense
  • SGRoA: Forever Knight S02 E07: Hunted
  • SGRoA: Forever Knight S02 E08: Faithful Followers
  • SGRoA: Forever Knight S02 E09: Undue Process: Trigger Warning Edition
  • SGRoA: Forever Knight S02 E10: Father’s Day
  • SGRoA: Forever Knight S02 E11: Can’t Run, Can’t Hide: Kermit Face Edition
  • SGRoA: Forever Knight S02 E12: Near Death: Stargate Edition
  • SGRoA: Forever Knight S02 E13: Crazy Love: Beyonce Edition
  • SGRoA: Forever Knight S02 E14: Baby, Baby
  • SGRoA: Forever Knight S02 E15: Partners Of The Month
  • SGRoA: Forever Knight S02 E16: The Fire Inside
  • SGRoA: Forever Knight S02 E17: Amateur Night
  • SGRoA: Forever Knight S02 E18: The Fix
  • SGRoA: Forever Knight S02 E19: Curiouser and Curiouser
  • SGRoA: Forever Knight S02 E20: Beyond The Law
  • SGRoA: Forever Knight S02 E21: Queen of Harps: Amazing Babies Edition
  • SGRoA: Forever Knight S02 E22: Close Call: Star Trek Edition
  • SGRoA: Forever Knight S02 E23: Be My Valentine: TV Dick Edition
  • SGRoA: Forever Knight S02 E24: The Code
  • SGRoA: Forever Knight S02 E25: A More Permanent Hell
  • SGRoA: Forever Knight S02 E26: Blood Money
  • SGRoA: Forever Knight Special Features Edition
  • SGRoA: Forever Knight S03 E01: Black Buddha, Part 1
  • SGRoA: Forever Knight S03 E02: Black Buddha, Part 2
  • SGRoA: Forever Knight: S03 E03: Outside The Lines
  • SGRoA: Forever Knight S03 E04: Blackwing: WTF Edition
  • SGRoA: Forever Knight S03 E05: Blind Faith
  • SGRoA: Forever Knight S03 E06: My Boyfriend Is A Vampire
  • SGRoA: Forever Knight S03 E07: Hearts of Darkness
  • SGRoA: Forever Knight S03 E08: Trophy Girl
  • SGRoA: Forever Knight S03 E09: Let No Man Tear Asunder
  • SGRoA: Forever Knight S03 E10: Night In Question
  • SGRoA: Forever Knight S03 E11: Sons of Belial
  • SGRoA: Forever Knight S03 E12: Strings
  • SGRoA: Forever Knight S03 E13: Fever
  • SGRoA: Forever Knight S03 E14: Dead of Night
  • SGRoA: Forever Knight S03 E15: The Games Vampires Play
  • SGRoA: Forever Knight, S03 E16: The Human Factor
  • SGRoA: Forever Knight, S03 E17: Avenging Angel
  • SGRoA: Forever Knight S03 E18: Fallen Idol
  • SGRoA: Forever Knight S03 E19: Jane Doe
  • SGRoA: Forever Knight S03 E20: Francesca
  • SGRoA: Forever Knight S03 E21: Ashes to Ashes
  • SGRoA: Forever Knight, S03 E22: Last Knight


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    1. Pingback: SGRoA: Forever Knight S01 E18: Feeding The Beast | Catherine Winters

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