Snowflakes! Did you miss Nick? I did. A little. Okay, fine, a lot. But he’s back, and he’s bringing his whole cult with him!
We open on a bunch of people holding their hands over a glowing globe. They look pretty happy, except for the dude who’s skulking around the basement with a ladder and a flashlight. And a toolbelt. Oh, I see. Cults never tip for good electrical services. Also, he’s being stalked by someone with a mop bucket who pours all the water out all over the basement, then flips the breakers so that’s the end of our electrician. Can’t wait to hear the motive for that one.
After the opening, we learn that Nick’s been deep undercover with The Luminologists for two weeks with no contact. The captain’s not pleased with having no leads, so she yells at Schenke about getting in there and getting some news from Nick.
Now, I know deep cover is a police thing, and that you might not hear from your people for a bit. But doesn’t Nick have a handler or something? Can’t Schenke send a uniform to pick him up for some charge, just to take him downtown and debrief him? I mean, there are ways to work with someone’s cover and – you know what?
In the cult, some dude in a Brooks’ Brothers knock-off shirt is talking about how Luminologists don’t worship the sun. It’s just a symbol, a focus point to facilitate meditation. They’re scientists.
They focus their minds and make discoveries. But the problem is that there’s just so much psychological bullshit holding them back. You know, this sounds less like a cult and more like Tony Robbins. I mean, I’m pretty sure motivational speakers don’t impede murder investigations, but does Canada not have, like, Heaven’s Gate or the FLDS or anything?
It’s a weaksauce cult, is what I’m saying, here.
Anyway, Tony Robbins Lite’s speech about forgiving ourselves brings us to Flashback Time. Nick – in a truly terrible British accent – is on an Egyptian archaeological dig with another vampire. Other vampire dude – who is 1600 years old?! – thinks that he can find a cure for vampirism in these ruins because the “Kush” have some legends about vampirism. Like, you know, every other single culture in the world. But whatever keeps you sane, dude. I’d expect to find a lot of paraphernalia from a culture named “Kush”, but I live in the Mile High City – Mile no longer required.
Back at the precinct, Nat’s asking Schenke where Nick is. Why everyone’s on Schenke’s ass all the time about Nick, I don’t know. Because they’re partners, I guess? But the Captain would have had to sign off on undercover work, and –
Anyway. Schenke and the Captain were supposed to have a conference call with Nick that afternoon, but Nick didn’t call. Nat’s concerned, and Schenke’s annoyed, but thinks that Nick probably just couldn’t get away without blowing his cover. He also acknowledges that this is a weaksauce cult – “They certainly won’t force him to eat cyanide, if that’s what you’re thinking!”
And we’re back to Schmooks Schmothers telling us about “science” and “receiving” and I’d really like some of that Kool-Aid right now, thanks.
After the commercial break – which I most sincerely hope was this when it aired – some woman in a pixie cut grabs Tony Robbins Lite out of a counseling session, saying, “It’s David again! He’s got a gun! He says he’ll kill himself!” David’s sitting in the cafeteria – which is, strangely, really nice – with his gun. He’s crying because his parents came to visit and want him to leave the Luminologists.
TRL spouts a bunch of nonsense at David, who rightly says, “That doesn’t mean anything!” – but of course TRL convinces him to hand over the gun and submit to more nonsense therapy. Oh, and TRL’s name is Matthew. Matthew has Nick and Pixie Cut and some other people sitting in on David’s post-suicide-attempt therapy, which is another strike against this being any sort of cult at all. As he tells David that “the light is our cure. The light is our knowledge”, Nick flashes back.
They’re looking at a bunch of papyri, just touching them with their hands and all, and not marveling at all about how these things are perfectly intact and readable. Apparently Nick knows some lady Egyptologist who’s the best translator evar or something, and she’s in the neighborhood, so Other Vampire (seriously, I don’t think he’s gotten a name yet) asks Nick to go fetch her and get her to work on his improbable papyri. (If anyone wants to use that as a band name, go right ahead.) Nick agrees, reluctantly, because Nick has to do everything reluctantly. Taking out the trash? Reluctant. Watching Game of Thrones? Reluctant. All of his Facebook statuses have the smiley for “feeling reluctant” after them.
Back at the station, some lawyer is yelling at Captain Cohen. I think it’s because there’s someone famous’s kid in the cult? Maybe? Might be his kid? I wasn’t really paying attention. But Schenke walks in and the lawyer is all over him about Nick. OH. The lawyer is the electrician’s dad. He’s convinced the electrician was murdered, and that TRL had something to do with it. I don’t know why, though. This guy is the least menacing cult leader ever – as further evidenced in the next scene, where he attaches a rainbow sticker to Nick’s head for some therapy.
OMG, it’s a Lisa Frank cult.
He tells Nick to visualize the sun’s healing energy, which of course is not going to work on a vampire, because apparently vampires have no ability to imagine anything but their own narrow circumstances. We’re treated to a montage of Nick getting burned and then a bunch of killing flashbacks while TRL talks about “eradicating evil” and “vaporizing your sins” and, I don’t know, the synergistic needs of thinking outside the box or something. Nick vamps out, but luckily turned his back to TRL beforehand, so TRL just thinks he’s having trouble letting go of his guilt.
After therapy, Nick goes to the kitchen to stir something. Schenke’s managed to sneak in and is trying to talk to him, but Nick just keeps a-stirrin’. Lisa Frank Jesus has nabbed Nick! Oh noez!
In his office, TRL talks to some dude who’s body is improbably half in shadow and half in incredibly bright light. I mean, I get it, you don’t want to show us who the murderer is yet, but damn, FK. Hire someone with an ounce of talent, ‘kay? TRL tells the murderer to tell everyone else not to recruit any new members until the murder is solved. Murderer’s name is Barton, apparently, and TRL gives him orders to do a background check on Nick, because Nick’s told TRL some “very disturbing things”. I don’t know what, though, because Nick hasn’t been shown saying a single word to this dude.
Nick finally talks to Schenke, telling him he shouldn’t have come and professing he’s fine. He tells Schenke to tell Captain Cohen that he’s going to stay with the cult, and Schenke shouldn’t come back.
Man. Canadians are really susceptible to feel-good gobbledygook. We’d better not export Dr. Phil.
Schenke goes to the lab to tell Nat how weird Nick’s being, and Nat doesn’t want to hear it, because obviously she’s worried. But she won’t jump on board the Nick Is A Cult Member train – at least not to Schenke. She does go to see Janette, though. She gives Janette the rundown and asks how susceptible Nick is to being brainwashed. Janette doesn’t seem concerned, because she’s counting on his vampirism to keep him safe and at the top of the food chain. This reassures Nat, but I can’t imagine why, considering Nick is usually a straight-up dope about being a vampire.
At the cult house, TRL comes in to see Nick and praise him about how well he reacted to his first “cleansing”. Nick says he doesn’t remember much, and TRL talks about how it can dredge up thoughts, feelings, and fantasies that people have. TRL thinks Nick will do well there, and Nick offers to give him all his money – which TRL refuses.
In Egypt, Nick’s brought Egyptology lady to see Other Vampire – whose name is Monroe. There’s a lesson about the Kush and some shameless pandering to Helen’s skills in translation, and then we’re off to the hieroglyphic races. Monroe takes her into a tent and asks Nick to go get a cup of tea for her, which probably means it’s snack time for Monroe.
Back at cult HQ, Nick scares Pixie Cut with a mop bucket. She shares her story of how TRL rescued her from her husband and two children, and how she doesn’t know where the kids are now. Which I think is supposed to paint the cult in a bad light, but honestly, flaky people gonna flake, yo, kids or no kids.
Schenke digs a little deeper into the case and finds out that the electrician had a trust fund, the beneficiary of which was TRL. Nat comes in with the electrician’s toxicology report, and he was on a habit-forming psychotropic. Schenke points out that everyone in the cult have psych problems, so it’s not so strange the dude would be on meds. But it is kind of strange that all of them are rich – even though TRL’s not taking money? Supposedly? But then we see Nick handing him a check, so I guess that whole “I don’t want your money” bit was just window dressing.
Schenke tells Captain Cohen that Nick might have been suckered into this thing, and she’s pissed. So’s Schenke. But he needs access to Nick’s banking records to see if he’s given away any money, and the captain agrees.
Nat, worried again, takes things into her own hands by going to the cult and crying all over everyone because her life is falling apart. Some clean-cut dude who’s probably Barton The Killer tries to turn her away, but Pixie Cut is having none of that nonsense. “Can’t you see she needs us? Can’t you see she chose us?” she says, and takes Nat away into the belly of the beast.
Cohen gets Nick’s undercover identity’s bank records, as well as Nick’s actual records, and hands them over to Schenke. She tells him that if Schenke’s really worried, they’ll go pull him out tomorrow, if Schenke just says the word. They’re partners, after all – if Schenke’s worried, something’s probably up. Schenke of course finds all Nick’s money, and is all WHUT about it.
Oh, and sure enough, Monroe eats Helen, and it’s apparently all been a bet with Lacroix. Monroe said he could get Nick to deliver Helen just by telling Nick what he wanted to hear. Lacroix wasn’t convinced, but concedes that the look on Nick’s face is well worth the price he paid for it. When will Nick stop being so damn gullible?
Nat spins some story about violent urges and suicidal ideation for Pixie Cut, who’s all full of sunshine and rainbows and polar bears frolicking with puffins.
Pixie Cut is singing TRL’s praises, which is good, because TRL turns on the security cameras and listens in on this. He’s not happy about a new member, though, and calls Barton, who’s flying high on about a million rainbow stickers. TRL tells Barton to “take care of it”, so Barton obviously pulls out a gun to kill Nat, because that’s way easier than just giving her the bum’s rush out of the building.
While Pixie Cut goes to find TRL, Nat calls Schenke to give him the rundown. Too bad she’s still on camera, and now TRL is onto her plans and clicks around to find Nick. Schenke says he’s coming right over to get her and hangs up. Clean-cut guy – Barton, obvies – finds Nat and does try to get her to leave.
Meanwhile, Nick slips into TRL’s office (while TRL goes to the bathroom or something? Who knows?) and looks for the videotape of his cleansing session. He goes to put it in the VCR and notices that there’s cameras everywhere. Which – shouldn’t he have noticed that before? It’s not like everyone had nannycams and buttoncams in the 90s, guys. Not with audio and good resolution.
Anyway, TRL finds him and is all, “Looking for something, Detective?” But before Nick can answer, we cut back to Nat and Barton. Barton says he knows she’s a spy and pulls his gun on her, but before she’s hurt, Pixie Cut brains him with a board and says that Barton’s been poisoning everything, just like the electrician, trying to bring TRL down. She runs away with the gun, because even though Barton looks like a serial-killer-in-training, it’s always the true believers who will kill for their vision.
She goes to TRL’s office and eavesdrops outside as Nick and TRL talk about the electrician’s death and how Nick’s a detective. She walks in, gun raised, and points it at TRL, because he hasn’t lived up to expectations. It’s a little muddled, because Pixie’s crazy, I guess? Or because the writing is a bit sub-par? Yeah. Anyway, she admits to murdering the electrician, and Nick takes the gun from her, and Schenke takes her and TRL into custody. Everybody’s happy. Ish.
Next week: Natalie goes rogue when her niece is murdered. You guys know what that means!
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