Snowflakes! I know I promised weekly recaps until December, but then I went to a conference. Besides, you know what they say about good intentions, and who wants to be involved in that mess?

Oh, and one more note: If you like my recaps, you should definitely follow me on Twitter. I live-tweet especially terrible Lifetime movies. Last weekend I did the Saved By The Bell movie, and it was awful, but I think I got some good jokes in. I will definitely be live-tweeting the Grumpy Cat Christmas movie, because that looks like comedy GOLD, people.

Let’s recap!

Ooh, we’re back to our Crimetime After Primetime roots. A woman’s getting ready for “bed” by putting on stockings, lipstick, and perfume, but her lover is late. She goes downstairs to tempt him away from his work on someone’s last will and testament, but she’s getting no traction, so she alludes to an affair and stalks off.

Some indeterminate amount of time later, the guy – Jonathan – is dead, seemingly by suicide. He’s been shot in the head, and the gun is on the floor next to him, but obviously we wouldn’t be involved if he’d offed himself, so on we go to the opening credits.

There’s a computer-generated suicide note with no signature, but the maid found him 30 seconds after hearing the shot and there’s no gunpowder residue on Jonathan’s head – typical evidence in a suicide, from people holding the gun flush against the skin as they fire.

Victoria, the wife, seems pretty broken up about it. Schanke throws a little shade on her marriage by pointing out that she and Jonathan slept in separate rooms, and it’s clear he thinks she did it. Nick isn’t convinced, and plays good cop to Schanke’s insensitive cop while they take her statement. 

In the car, Nick points out that Victoria was tested for gun shot residue, and came up negative, but Schanke thinks this is a done deal: Wife did it. Now let’s go home and get some sleep. Nick wants to know what’s really bothering Schanke, and Schanke says nothing, but then goes on to complain about sleeping on the living-room couch.

At the station, Schanke’s campaigning hard for Partners of the Month, handing Captain Cohen a report and telling her that it’s so well-written, he and Nick should be a shoo-in. Cohen’s all, “Stop bitching. You didn’t win last month.” She asks the guys about the case, and their answers are different, so she tells them to go ahead and investigate.

They go down to the lab, and Schanke’s still complaining about POTM. Nick tells him to stuff it, and Nat tells them both that so far, everything is consistent with suicide. Schanke’s not having it. He’s still complaining about angry spouses and not getting any nookie if you sleep separately.

Side note: I love Mr. Winters. I do. But if I could have a whole bedroom to myself, where I could have the TV as loud as I wanted to sleep and no one stole the covers? Well, I think there would be even more nookie if I weren’t annoyed, you feel me?

Mr. Winters: And I concur.

Anyway, Schanke is obviously dying to talk about his marital problems, and goes off on some rant about buying the wrong cream cheese and how that obviously leads to murder. Natalie’s face is somewhere between concern and laughter during all this, but Nick looks very concerned – probably because it’s now Flashback Time!

Janette is dressed in the height of Renaissance fashion, complete with a jeweled ruff, as she packs up to leave Nick after 97 years together. 97 years!

Nick, as usual, is super butthurt about it, and only the sound of Lacroix’s voice on the radio brings him back to the present. Lacroix’s talking about how love isn’t eternal, and when it dies, it’s time to let it go. His caller whines that Lacroix’s not helping him much, but Lacroix says he’s helping him face reality. I’m with Lacroix on this one. It’s why vampire romances always seem weird to me: are you seriously telling me that you’re going to stay with one person literally forever? Dude, no.

Schanke comes by Nick’s place at 5AM, unannounced, bearing pizza and beer, because he’s left Myra. Nick, of course, greets this development with unmitigated terror. He immediately tries to get Schanke to go home, and Schanke’s all butthurt that Nick doesn’t want him to stay. Nick backpedals – “I don’t have enough space! I’m sure Myra will forgive you! GO THE FUCK HOME.” Schanke guilt trips him by saying he has nowhere else to go and Nick’s his best friend, so Nick lets him stay.

Schanke goes off on the concept of freedom, so Nick flashes back to his Nice Guy period. He’s sulking in a corner and moping about love while Janette very kindly reminds him that they’re vampires, and the things that apply to mortal love don’t apply to them, and she needs to go expand her horizons. Nick sulks some more. 

Schanke makes breakfast the next morning, and keeps up a never-ending stream of commentary. Schanke. I love you, really, I do, but people who live alone are not dying for chatter. Trust me.

Nick doesn’t eat, of course, so Schanke gives him a lecture about how Nick doesn’t appreciate him. Natalie calls, saving Nick from more guilt-tripping and once again wearing that delightful mix of concern and mirth as Nick tells her that Schanke’s moved in with him. Nat, you get bonus points this episode. It’s no jeweled ruff, but that look is my favorite thing today.

Anyway, she’s called because the angle of the shot in Jonathan’s body proves murder.

Schanke still maintains it was Victoria, because obviously Jonathan was cheating. Nick is all, “Hey, howsabout we, you know, investigate the murder first?” and Schanke reminds him they work for Metro PD.

Hello, old friend.

They walk into the funeral, and Nick doesn’t want to go in, for some reason. Maybe because it’s super rude to go question people at a funeral? Anyway, Nick zeroes in on Jonathan’s lawyer and pulls him outside – discreetly – to ask about Jonathan and enemies and to get a copy of the will. Nick asks if there were another woman, and the lawyer says “that’s a gross understatement.”

Meanwhile, Schanke’s watching people inside, and sees the look Victoria throws at a cool blonde who’s shown up to the funeral – Julia Winwood. Julia’s got some balls, yo. I don’t think I’d show up at my lover’s funeral if I were the mistress, but Julia also claims she was Jonathan’s personal assistant.

Outside, the lawyer is confirming all of this for Nick, because Julia was written into the will – she gets half of everything. (Victoria gets the other half.) The lawyer also says that he advised Jonathan against writing the will thusly, and told him he should wait until after the divorce was final.

Back in the 1500s, Nick’s being a dick about stuff that Janette wants to take with her – like a portrait she had painted of her, for Nick, by da Vinci. Nick, you’re being a jerk. Knock it off.

Mr. Winters: Look Lady, if you have da Vinci paint a picture of you, for me, and then you want to leave me, I’m keeping the fucking painting. It’s a da Vinci. Of you. For me (talk about awesome presents). I realize Nick is nowhere as cool as I am, but Janette’s the jerk here.

Turns out that Jonathan sent the lawyer a message the night he died, saying he wanted to change the will. The lawyer thinks that Jonathan was going to leave it all to Julia, which is making it look like Schanke is right and Victoria did do it.

Schanke’s all pissed that Nick shared this information first and scooped him on the news about the will. Obviously he’s transferring his issues with Myra to Nick, but it’s irritating. Even the captain tells them to stop acting like they’re married.

Schanke maintains that Victoria did it; Nick thinks she didn’t. They go down to the computer lab where they talk to a geek about getting into Jonathan’s computer. The geek was able to do it, after getting through a bagrillion passwords, and he hands them the latest copy of the will – still a 50-50 split. But he also found that the suicide note was written two days before the murder – all the killer would have had to do was print it out.

Julia had no access to the computer, and claims that Jonathan’s marriage was failing long before she met him.

Victoria claims no access to the computer, either, and seems surprised to hear that Jonathan was going to leave anything to Julia, let alone the whole shebang as Schanke tells her.

Nick and Schanke go back to Nick’s place to have a marital spat, and Schanke gathers up his shit and leaves.

In the sixteenth century, Lacroix comes by to tell Nick to get his shit together. He’s way nicer about it than I would have been, let me tell you, but the memory sends Nick to the portrait of Janette that he wheedled out of her and now keeps behind doors.

His reverie is interrupted by a call from Janette. Schanke’s at The Raven – “scaring away my customers,” she says. Nick gets up to go fetch Schanke, but is stopped by a call from the lawyer. Apparently, someone just transferred money from Jonathan’s Swiss account to one in the Caymans – and Victoria doesn’t have access to those accounts, but Julia does.

Schanke pours his heart out to Janette, who responds by complaining about Nick in similar fashion. Schanke comes to the realization that he misses Myra, but also that Jonathan was going to change the will to leave everything to Victoria – because he loved his wife, like Schanke loves Myra. Schanke runs off to arrest Julia, who’s packing to leave and answers the door with a gun.

Nick shows up to The Raven, and Janette tells him about Schanke’s epiphany and that he left. Nick tells her to call in backup and flies off to rescue Schanke. But instead of just coming to the rescue, he stops the elevator, giving Schanke a chance to disarm Julia and take her in all by himself. So maybe Nick learned something about being a good spouse, after all.

In the coda, Nick and Schanke have finally won POTM, and Schanke is giving a long and rambling speech about it. After some lackluster applause, he tells Nick that he’s taking Myra out for a fancy dinner. Nick says he has his own making up to do, and goes to The Raven to give Janette back her portrait. 

Next week: Some guy is burning homeless people alive. That sounds…grisly. And not appropriate for exclamation points.

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