SGRoA: Blood Ties, S1 E7: Heart of Ice

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Yes, the next episode is Heart of Fire, and maybe George RR Martin would be riled to hear it, but I’m betting these two are going to be more boring misogyny and baffling conflict-for-the-sake-of-conflict that comes outta nowhere. But let’s find out!

Vicki’s looking for an accountant who just stole $15 million. Cellucci’s hanging with her, because we start almost every episode at stasis: everything is fine with everyone, and we’ll get angry for no reason later. I appreciate the episodicality, the effort to make it a “drop by whenever!” sort of show, but I don’t know if it works so well here.

She goes through his cell records and finds a girlfriend, so case closed! Which is good, because Vicki needs to get paid. Cellucci offers to buy dinner, then invites her to Dylan’s birthday party on Saturday. Dylan is turning the big oh-seven, and he asked for “Aunt Vicki” to come to the party. Cellucci was over at Molly’s house, and Dylan overheard him talking about “seeing” Vicki again.

yeah, I don’t know either

But Molly’s always liked Vicki, which is nice, but Vicki passed on the birthday party.

Cut to a group of unhoused people, including Francine, who thinks the shelter can “keep their damn salty soup” and then is quickly murdered by something that growls and sees in black, white, and orange – like a FLIR infrared, but not, like, really. Artistic FLIR.

Francine’s friend Annie shows up to Vicki’s office, since Tyrell and Linda have also disappeared in recent weeks. Vicki remembers Annie from working the beat; Annie says Vicki was the only decent cop she ever met.

Annie knows

Cellucci and partner whose name I cannot remember show up to a different crime scene. There’s no blood, so we can definitely look forward to another unhinged Cellucci rant about Henry. 1 victim, a pretty young woman, fang marks on her throat. Cellucci scans the crowd and sees a guy who doesn’t belong: JULIAN MOTHERFUCKING SANDS.

I mean, that can’t be right, and also how sad, because he was just found dead on Mt. Baldy in California. He’d been missing for a while, but weather and other conditions prevented a big search.

In any case, Cellucci tells the crime scene photog to get pics of the guy, but he’s already bolted. Dave, the partner whose name I should remember because it’s the same as my house skeleton, says it’s fine, they’ve been taking pics for ages, they’ll have him.

Vicki goes with Annie to the encampment and searches Francine’s space. No one new around the camp, no one had a beef with Francine. A lot of her stuff is gone already, which is to be expected, but doesn’t give Vicki any clues. She follows some drag marks to a culvert, and they find Francine’s bag.

At the precinct , Captain Lady is going through Cellucci’s desk and haranguing him about going through cold cases. He thinks it’s a copycat or repeat of a “vampire” killer; she’s a bitch for no reason, as usual. Do you not, like, have your own job to do, Cap? You just spend your days and taxpayer funds micromanaging Cellucci 40 hrs a week?

Henry is working while Vicki wants help with her case. Henry’s mad about it before Vicki says she wants to use his nose like some sort of fanged bloodhound, and then Vicki bounces, so the point of this scene is…absolutely nothing. Excellent!

Vicki takes Annie and the bag to Cellucci, who hates the unhoused and thinks their problems aren’t worth investigating. In other words, a “good cop”. Vicki badgers him, and finally he says he’ll help her if she helps him.

Oh! Henry goes to the culvert where the bag was and starts sniffing. They should have put this right after the other scene, because otherwise it looks dumb and pointless, but I don’t know why I expect these people to know how to write. (Credit where it’s due: this episode is much better than the last couple, but they don’t get a free pass just because they managed to follow the rules of procedurals for 15 minutes.) He hears the growling and does his little black-eyed vamped out routine.

Cellucci shows Vicki his vic. She tells him that Henry doesn’t kill, and Cellucci doesn’t buy it. She also alibis Henry, which he also doesn’t buy. Cellucci says if Henry didn’t do it, he’ll help Cellucci solve it. Sounds fun.

Henry runs into what is obviously a human who says he’s hunting a “windigo”, according to the captions, so I assume a Wendigo, which is the usual spelling.

sooooooooory about the spelling, eh?

So Henry brings the guy back to Vicki’s, where he (guy) describes the Wendigo as “pure hunger”, which will crack and gnaw one’s bones. Guy maintains it killed Francine, and he knows because he’s met the Wendigo before. It killed his dad, but never came at him, so he’s been hunting it ever since. Anyone who sees the Wendigo is marked for death; it’s followed him here. Oh, he’s unhoused, too. Huh. Didn’t look it, weird.

Henry says the cops can handle this, and Vicki agrees, especially since her deal with Cellucci. Henry refuses to help, though, so who knows.

OMG, IT IS JULIAN SANDS!!!!!! Holy shit. How did they get an actual name in this fuckin show?!?!

I love him, this is great

His name is Javier Mendoza, pronounced like a Castillian. He says he’s hunting for Cellucci’s killer, and they both know who it is: Henry Fitzroy.

a chipmunk turning suddenly with dramatic sound effect

Coreen is telling Vicki the history of Wendigo myths, that they all stem from people not wanting to believe how fast other people turn to cannibalism in the wilderness, and I’ll tell you what, I don’t like thinking about it either. There was some thread I ran across on Twitter during the Titanic submersible debacle that discussed it, from some sort of expert, and, like, do not go looking for facts if you are easily squicked. People like to eat people, it’s weird.

Javier Mendoza is an officer of the law – CANON LAW. He’s working for the Church, trying to bring Henry down. Delightfully unhinged. Catholics would try to hunt mythical creatures before pedos, wouldn’t they. Makes sense!

Mendoza says he has a way to neutralize vampires so they don’t kill again; he offers them “salvation”. Please. He wants Cellucci to turn Henry over, after claiming that Henry killed a woman around 50 years ago, after “seducing” her. I’ll put real cash money down that she’s related to Mendoza in some way, and that Henry isn’t responsible. I know how narrative works, and I’m pleasantly surprised that this episode seems to as well.

Cellucci, Vicki, and Henry get together to discuss the vampire cases. Henry maintains he didn’t do it. Cellucci asks if there are any other vampires in town he should know about –

….mayyyyyyybe!

– to which Henry replies, “We’re not all in the same book club.”

Y’all, I cackled.

Cellucci has brought every cold cases he thinks Henry’s involved in and starts badgering Henry. Henry recognizes the woman Mendoza brought, and says that yes, he killed her. No further details, and Cellucci knows he can’t bring charges for a 1944 murder, so Henry and Vicki leave, heading back to the encampment.

They go down into the sewer to look for more clues and run into Indigenous Guy from before. There’s growling, and all three of them head further in to hunt the thing. Which they find, and which attacks Henry and Vicki, but lets them go in favor of Guy. Henry ends up injured, and Vicki offers to feed him, but he refuses and says he’ll drop her off. They won’t be catching a Wendigo tonight.

There’s a little montage, and then Cellucci has a “hypothetical” conversation with another detective. If you knew who the killer was, but couldn’t make it stick, and another agency said they could deal with it and put the killer away – would she turn it over, even if the other agency maybe wasn’t as on the up-and-up as the regular cops?

She says she’d hand him over, because the important thing is to get the bad guy off the street. Even if that means no due process.

just a lil reminder

Coreen is still researching how to kill the Wendigo. She’s got silver bullets and hearts made of ice, and Vicki connects Guy hiding by the fire and Annie being near the fire to the ice heart, so they’re gonna try fire to kill it. Henry doesn’t think it’s their job, and he’s stayed alive by “picking his battles”, but Vicki rightly points out that there is no one else. Guy died, and he was the only one to even know what it was. Cops aren’t gonna touch this. Henry gives in.

Cellucci meets Mendoza at a dumpster, nice place. Mendoza maintains that Henry is just running around seducing and killing women all over the place for the last half-millennium. he says he needs Cellucci’s help, needs him to use some weird object on Henry to sap his power so Mendoza can kill him. Cellucci is hesitant, so Mendoza throws in a little misogyny to get the job done: it’s the only way to save Vicki from Henry’s clutches.

captain kathryn janeway, rolling her eyes

Vicki has a super soaker flamethrower, which is a choice on the prop master’s part. Explains why it was only a hundred bucks, though.

Oh, look at that: Mendoza has his “murder victim” imprisoned, and he’s going to let the sun kill her, because she’s a vampire. He tells her that he’s going to “save” Henry, too. Yup. That’s a canon cop.

Cellucci goes to find Vicki, but runs into Coreen, who presses some silver bullets on him. She describes them as “supernatural penicillin” – even if they don’t kill a creature, silver will almost always hurt one, or weaken it.

Vicki and Henry find the Wendigo, but Vicki’s flamethrower craps out at the last minute. Cellucci saves them with the bullets – yay! But then puts the object on Henry and reveals Mendoza – boo!

Mendoza takes Cellucci’s gun and locks him and Vicki out of the room he’s got Henry in. (Why the sewers have rooms with gates and locks, I have zero idea.) Vicki and Cellucci leave Mendoza to it, and the episode ends.

TWO-PARTER! I would have preferred a more drawn out battle with the Wendigo, then, but I guess we have to leave a full 40 minutes to defeat poor Julian Sands. See ya next week!

SGRoA: Blood Ties, S1 E8: Heart of Fire

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Y’all. I will not lie to you: I am high as shit rn, had a whole bowl and then remembered it was recap writing day. But! I will not leave all, like, 4 of you who read these in the lurch! And who knows, I’ll probably be funnier, that would be my luck. Let’s do this thing!

You may remember from our last episode that Mike “Goddamn” Cellucci put an amulet on Henry “Fucking” Fitzroy (yes, I gave them nicknames) so that Julian Sands could capture and kill Henry on behalf of The Church. This was all after killing a Wendigo and solving the last case, as well. Busy bees!

So we open on Mike and Vicki exiting the sewers. Vicki is pissed. They have a huge fight in the street where Cellucci blames his bad behavior on being a cop, and for once, I agree!

Julian (I forgot his character name, sorry) is torturing Henry, obvies. I don’t know what’s actually more painful: the physical torture, or the quoting of Revelation. A hundred smutty fanfics have been inspired by Henry on that St. Andrew’s cross though, I know that.

At Vicki’s office, she and Mike have stopped fighting, and he’s telling her about the amulet. It’s called the iluminacion del sol, shaped like a sun with 8 rays. Vicki sends him back to the precinct to look up everything he can find on Javier Mendoza, which is Julian’s character!

Oh, lol, I completely forgot there was another case, with the vampire-bitten sex worker. Oops. Dave found out her name: Amy Davidson, street name Champagne. Captain Lady is on a rampage, so that Kate girl says she’ll cover for Cellucci’s absence and babysit his I guess unauthorized search for Mendoza’s background.

not that sorry, but, y’know

Javier is reading Henry’s biography, for some reason? or, like, charges? court charges of… vampirism?

Wait, it’s a flashback, Julian is the priest in both timelines. Really getting the vibe that part 2 here was not written by the part one writers, tell you what. It lasts like 15 seconds, anyway, I don’t know why it’s here?

Mike and Vicki question a friend of Champagne’s, ask if she ever had a date with Javier. Friend doesn’t know, but Friend definitely did. He took her to an old church, where he had a woman chained in the basement. The woman tried to bite Friend, who pepper sprayed everything and ran.

So that would be the vampire that Henry made, and Javier killed in the last episode to “save her soul” after repeated torture. Nice. Didn’t think this storyline was gonna go anywhere, seeing as how I forgot it existed, but I take back my earlier critique.

In Flashback Time, Henry asks the girl…guarding him? (ok, sure jan) for water. It’s the mid 1500s, and she’s got a loose veil hanging long from one pin in the back of her long, flowing hair. Historical accuracy is, uh, not a concept for these guys, eh? And then we’re back in the present, where Javier attaches some tubing to the Iluminacion del sol and starts emptying Henry of his blood.

spock and kirk from TOS. kirk says "whut?"

Like. Can you use vamp blood like that? Just, like, throw it on your plants or put it in moisturizer or something? Will it weaken Henry to lose it like it does humans? Why does Henry have blood flowing like humans do? Is that vampire biology, do they make blood? All the time? I’ve been thinking they eat the blood, and then the body converts that to whatever systems/substance animates them, like we do with food, just, like, way more efficient. And maybe magical, I’m not sure, it’s fantasy, after all, and I’m not a world-builder. This is just so… weird.

So Coreen is researching the Iluminacion, and she goes to see some professor named Dr. Sagara, and clearly we are supposed to know this person, who also knows Henry – but you guys, I have no clue who this bitch [affectionate] is. Never seen her, hadn’t heard the name except when Vicki said it a couple scenes back.

More torture – ohhhhhhhh, the bloodletting is so he’ll be hungry! Doesn’t explain why it’s in his veins, tho, but whatevs. Blah blah God, blah blah torture, blah blah Flashback Time.

Vicki and Mike roll up to the church, so confrontation and rescue are imminent – or are they? We’re only halfway through.

Javier shows Henry Delphine’s “confession” for more torture. A lot of monologuing from our villain.

Plot Twist! Delphine is alive, in the church Vicki and Mike went to. But before they can rescue her, the blinds open automatically and she’s sunlit toast. They search the church and find that Javier had been surveiling them. Mike is getting cold feet about being a dick to Henry: he thinks no one should die like Delphine did. “She wasn’t alive,” sneers Vicki, but to his credit he won’t be needled like that. “No, I mean, no one should have to be so vulnerable and alone.” Right on, man. Maybe someday I’ll take the “Goddamn” out your name

They head back to the precinct to regroup, and Kate has the results of the background on Javier Mendoza: bupkis. But she googled the name on the off chance, and he was a Grand Inquisitor who specialized in getting confessions out of witches.

to be honest , I kinda saw it coming this time

Apparently at the church they found a cup with stuff in it. Turns out that’s a Chinese herb for longevity and vampire blood. Javier has been making his own immortality potion to hunt vampires. Damn! Van Helsings could never. They do some actual investigative work and figure out Javier is hiding in another church – walking distance to Chinatown, just like the last hideout.

Vicki and Mike are checking churches, she wants to split up, he doesn’t, so obviously they do. I assume this was solely so Mike could complain about Vicki’s demon tattoos and how they seem to protect her, and so she would be in more danger when she finds Javier.

More Flashback Time with Henry and 2007 1500s girl. I’ll be honest, I don’t care, but it does show us that Henry isn’t hurt by holy objects. Girl lets him out and he eats her, which seems mean. Oh, wait, he changes her. Seems like that would need more consent, but ok.

Dr. Crusher rolling her eyes with the caption, Sure, Jan, from the Brady Bunch meme

Vicki is indeed in a bunch of danger: Javier grabs her before she even knows it’s the right church. He uses her as another form of torture, and reveals he’s still mad about 1500s Girl, cuz he had to kill her.

Mike calls Coreen when Vicki doesn’t call in. She has news about the Iluminacion: it steals the vampirism out of people, and Javier will have a key for it that will release if turned counterclockwise, but will destroy the heart if turned clockwise.

Javier leaves Henry and Vicki alone, but Vicki saws through her ropes. Mike runs into Javier on his way out; his pistol-whips him and takes the key. He bursts into the room and Henry attacks him, but Mike still gives up the key and the way to save Henry. But Henry doesn’t drink that much, just enough to go after Javier – whom he summarily devours, after saying a decidedly post-Vatican II Catholic grace.

Vicki pockets the Iluminacion, and everybody goes home. The end!

Gotta say, everything picked up with this two-parter. I was much happier doing these two recaps than I’ve been since FK ended, truth told! Decent pacing, a pretty good story, adequate – sometimes good! – writing. Let’s hope they keep it up!

SGRoA: Blood Ties, S1 E4: Gifted

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Y’ALL. I have been watching that LuLaRoe documentary on Amazon and OMG. OMGOD. These people are something else. Have you been watching? Have you ever been involved with LLR? Let me know in the comments or on my socials, because holy fuck, is that some good trainwreck watching. Almost couldn’t pull myself away for a recap this week. Almost.

We open on a… comic shop? It’s named “Beguiling”, which screams “boutique clothing” to me, but sure, it can be a comic shop. Vicki is hanging around, reading “Blood Price”, one of Henry’s novels. Convenient that it’s one of yours too, Vic! A couple guys who work there try to talk to her, and they’re acting like their super nerds who won’t ever see a woman’s unclothed ankle, but this is 2007. I can guarantee nerds hot enough to be cast in a television show were drowning in it – just like all nerds, everywhere, when they’re just regular people. Why we keep hanging onto this nonsensical 1950s high school hierarchy as a society is baffling to me, and I need it to stop so I don’t have to take a giant paragraph to bitch about it at the beginning of my supposedly funny tv recaps!

Blergh. Anyway. Henry’s in there every week for new comics Wednesday and they banter about getting to know each other – Vicki says the books will tell her a lot more than he will, but honestly, I wouldn’t take the author’s views as the person’s, Vic. I write a lot of shit that looks absolutely nothing like my life, trust. I am very boring in person.

Somewhere else, a lady is trying to get her daughter down for the night because the movers are coming in the morning, and they are apparently going to pack every single item in this house before they move it anywhere, because this kid has art on the walls – in frames and out – and toys everywhere and fancy curtains still up and clothes on the floor. Like, come on. My places have all looked like depressing squats the night before moving: bed on the floor, nothing on the windows, every trace of human levity or joy replaced by builder-standard finishes and ugly beige paint. I wanna know how much these luxury movers cost, man!

So, kid refuses to move and says she hates her mom, and then the whole house shakes and a monster appears in the kitchen. You know, normal kid stuff. And then it’s time for the theme song!

not pictured: that kid’s monster

Coreen has run an ad for the PI biz, proclaiming no case too strange and that they specialize in the paranormal. Vicki protests: “I’m not Ghostbusters!”

nope, she’s defs not in this pic

But it’s getting them clients, and clients mean money, and Vicki’s 10:30 is already here. They tell the story absolutely super backward – clearly we’re supposed to assume that this woman is related to the lady and the kid we already saw, but there’s literally zero indication of that until the end of the conversation. So in order, here’s what happened: Old Lady (Emily) came in to get help finding her daughter’s husband. Her daughter, Celeste, has been murdered, and Emily knows that Steve (the husband) didn’t have anything to do with it. But Emily’s granddaughter, Sarah, is living at her boarding school now, and she’ll have to go into foster care if they can’t find Steve. I think. Again, they told this fucking backward for zero reasons, and I am assuming that Celeste and Sarah are the mom and kid and demon imaginary friend.

SO. Vicki takes the case, obvies. Emily is sure that Steve had nothing to do with the murder, so Vicki gets to work.

First stop is watching the tapes of Sarah’s interview with police, where she’s a little too adamant that no one else was in the house besides her and her mom. Celeste’s wounds look like bites and scratches, and they have no leads yet. Steve and Celeste split a year ago, and Steve seems to have vanished, so much so that no one thinks he’s involved in this murder. Mike’s boss tells Vicki in no uncertain terms that she’s not on the homicide, so stop asking difficult questions and stick to your stupid missing persons case.

Vicki manages to leave without fighting with Mike – but that’s just because Mike manages not to say anything misogynistic or ableist while she’s standing there.

But then Graham (his partner) comes in with the background check on Henry? which he already did? so I guess this is, like, a deeper one? I guess we just have to rehash Mike’s reasons for being such a dick, though it won’t provide any justification, MIKE.

Vicki heads over to Sarah’s school and talks to the headmaster. It’s a school for “gifted” children, which is a whole other boondoggle of a term that I’m not going to get into here, but trust, it’s all bullshit. Sarah is supposedly a talented artist, but Steve wasn’t into the art, or Sarah’s education at the school. The headmaster wasn’t impressed with him, but we don’t get any more of that because Sarah’s brought in to talk to Vic.

Sarah maintains that her father doesn’t want her – that he, in fact, hates her, and left because she was bad. Vicki reassures her, as you would, but Sarah runs off. So Vic goes back to ask the headmaster some more questions about Steve.

Meanwhile, Henry’s getting his drink on at a club while Mike is interrogating the weird-ass doorman dude at Henry’s building. Doorman lets slip that Henry tips well at Christmas, keeps night hours, and has a revolving bed of women in and out of the penthouse.

Vicki cuts short Henry’s meal to request company at Celeste’s house. Vicki’s searching for anything that might indicate Steve’s whereabouts – she finds it hard to believe that he would just abandon his family and never talk to them again, though that sounds like a tale as old as time, to me. All she has so far is Emily’s word that Steve is a stand-up guy, but everyone else says he just up and left. I understand she has to do her best for her client, but wouldn’t it be easier to check DMV records or something?

While going through mail scattered on the floor, Vicki finds one of Sarah’s pictures in an envelope from the school, with a note for Celeste to call Sarah’s teacher. It’s dated one week before Sarah died, and the picture shows Sarah standing over a dead Celeste in the kitchen, a giant monster standing next to her.

Vicki and Henry head to the ME’s office to ask about Celeste’s murder. Claws again, though clearly not from a dog or wolf or bear or anything. Also, whatever it was kept clawing at Celeste after she was dead. Henry asks the ME if the thing Sarah drew in her picture could have made the wounds on Celeste, and she says sure, if that thing existed. Vicki and Henry head out, but she’s not happy about him showing the pic around, because it doesn’t mean anything, monsters aren’t real. Henry disagrees.

So, Steve’s a mechanic and into classic cars, and Coreen finds him by calling classic restorers in the greater Toronto metro. So, Coreen is the PI now? Vicki just hangs out with Henry doing unnecessary B&E’s?

Dr. Crusher rolling her eyes with the caption, Sure, Jan, from the Brady Bunch meme

Before going to interview Steve – and, presumably, have to tell him about the death of his ex-wife and the orphaning of his child, since the cops didn’t know where the fuck he was – Vicki tells Coreen to “get on the Net” (yes, it’s capitalized and everything!) and research anything supernatural that could be Sarah’s monster.

Huh, Steve’s a short king, and very much not in the mood to be asked questions about his ex. Oh, he does seem like a jerk: he gives Vicki an alibi immediately, and says he cannot help Emily, she’ll have to find someone else. Vicki protests that that’s his kid! but he does. not. care.

Vicki thinks it’s all hinky, especially now that Steve won’t have anything to do with Sarah. To be fair to Vicki, Steve definitely didn’t act like a guy who hated his family, or didn’t want to be a father. He seems like someone who literally cannot help, and is tired of being asked. Vicki talks it over with Mike, and she’s pretty insistent that something’s weird, but Mike, as usual, thinks she’s wrong.

a "keep calm" poster, but it says "fuck this guy"
every episode, apparently

So Vicki goes back to talk to Sarah, who maintains that Daddy left because he hates her, but he never hurt her or her mom. Vicki asks about the picture, and Sarah says that’s not her dad; that’s Buttercup, her stuffy! Buttercup wouldn’t hurt ANYONE, and she resents the implication, and she runs off to her room.

So Vicki talks to her classroom teacher. Sarah’s been drawing weird shit for over a year; Steve never seemed to care about her; Teacher was trying to get hold of Celeste to discuss it. While they’re talking, though, the headmaster goes through a locked door to a hidden part of the school, where they’re doing psychic experiments on the kids. Sarah’s in this weird bit, and he says that they “have to talk about Buttercup”.

He tells her that Teacher betrayed them by sending the pic to her mom, and Teacher must be dealt with, or Sarah will end up going away. Sarah says, as the school starts shaking, that she doesn’t want to hurt anyone, but the headmaster goads her into producing Buttercup and attempted-murdering Teacher.

Mike shows up at the school because the paramedics called him because Vicki was involved.

a "keep calm" poster, but it says "fuck this guy"
STOP MAKING ME USE THIS

Mike asks what happened, and Vicki tells him, and Mike thinks she’s lying or crazy or hysterical or whatever. He brings up Henry again, because OF FUCKING COURSE, and then leaves in a huff, luckily just before Henry shows up to accompany Vicki to interview Steve again.

He tells her that she has no idea what’s happening, and she should stay away. Besides, Celeste wouldn’t let him help Sarah at all, anyway. Steve’s super stroppy until Henry mojos him, and then he says fuck it, I’ll tell you.

Sarah’s imaginary friend kills and hurts people. They were desperate for help when Headmaster found them, and at first the school seemed good – incidents stopped around the house, Sarah seemed happy. But then she would want something, and Buttercup would just take it. Things escalated until Buttercup attacked Steve, and he knows that’s what killed Celeste. He’s terrified of Sarah, and with good reason, and he will not take her out of that school. He stalks away, though he can still hear Vicki as she screams the house down about abandoning fathers. Look, Vic, your dad sounds like an asshole, but your psychic-powered imaginary friend didn’t try to kill him, so mayyyyyyyyyyybe these situations are a little different?

Mike is still trying to figure out Henry, so he’s at the comic shop, being condescending about From Hell and asking rude questions. He learns basically the same things: night owl, lots of hotties throwing themselves at him. He obviously follows this up with staking out (heh. stakes) Henry’s apartment.

Steve is going around the damn bend. Drinking at work, pulling a gun out of his toolbox and loading it. He calls Vicki’s office and leaves a message about taking Sarah out of the school, and Vicki goes after him, trying to get Henry’s help on the way. She runs into Steve immediately, and says she’ll help him get his daughter.

Henry gets Vicki’s message as he leaves his place; he hurries to his car and Mike follows.

Headmaster goes to the secret door and unlocks it; Vicki and Steve accost him and follow him in to Sarah. Steve says he’s taking her out of the school, and Sarah starts wilding out. Henry and Mike stop for a small spat in the front driveway about Mike’s following Henry, but then they’re headed in to “save” Vicki, who’s having to listen to Headmaster monologue about… Satan? giving Sarah her powers? Weird addition, but sure, makes a good monologue.

Henry breaks down a door that Mike couldn’t budge, and how long is it before Mike figures out the vampire thing? Or won’t he, because that’s too “hysterical”?

Sarah’s being a bitch, the room is shaking, Buttercup is on the loose, Henry breaks in and is choking Headmaster, Vicki and Steve are talking Sarah out of her bitchery. Sarah acts nothing like a child, just for the record. I don’t know any children who have ever acted like this, or ever would, no matter who was influencing them to use their freaky telekinesis. Pretty sure Sarah’s like, Fae or some shit, man, but this is the end of the episode, so of course they convince her that Steve loves her and Headmaster is a bad guy, and Buttercup is a dick. Everyone goes home happy, Headmaster goes to jail, and Mike is reduced to asking Henry “what” he is.

So Henry answers.

And Mike promptly overreacts about the vampirism.

a "keep calm" poster, but it says "fuck this guy"

SGRoA: Blood Ties, S1 E1: Blood Price, Part One, Triumphant Return Edition

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Yo yo yo yo! How are you bitches? I took a little vacation from the recapping scene to recover from Moonlight, which I think we can all agree was extremely warranted. But I’m back! I’m recovered! I’m ready to get back in the game with our newest offering: Blood Ties!

Blood Ties is a 2007 series that aired on Lifetime, based on the series by Tanya Huff, a fucking LEGEND in vampire fiction circles. I read a bunch of these, but honestly, might go looking for them again, since I don’t own them. Our main character, Vicki Nelson, is a detective-turned-PI when she’s diagnosed with Retinitis Pigmentosa, which ruins her night vision first, and I believe she slowly loses more vision over the series? but I could be misremembering that part.

Anyway, she teams up with Henry Fitzroy, bastard son of Henry VIII and a vampire! And they solve crimes and have adventures and I loved, loved, loved this show when it first ran, so I hope it holds up. I had only a very vague recollection of Moonlight, and I think I understand why after a rewatch, so here’s hoping my fond memories of Vicki and Henry aren’t also misremembering! Let’s get started!

you can hear it, can’t you

We open with Vicki walking down the street, talking to her mom. Vicki is played by one of our very own recurring guest stars: Christina Cox!

You may remember her from her TWO appearances on Forever Knight, as both a traffic cop and Jeanne d’Arc, and IIRC she was in a Moonlight ep, wasn’t she? (I’m already wiping it from my memory, with only this blog to serve as a grim reminder of what I must never watch again.) Anyway, she’s talking to her mom and serving up some bad dialogue to let us know her mom is on her case about finding a husband. Boring, but it was on Lifetime, so, you know.

Meanwhile, in a basement somewhere, a dude is chanting in Latin in a candle-lit room. Seems to be summoning a demon, I think? I mean, nothing good is going to come of this, regardless of demonic existence. We cut to a dude walking down the street on his phone, and he sees a guy in a long coat, which he says is cool to whoever he’s on the phone with. And then there’s some super weird editing nonsense, but in a nutshell: Long Coat attacks Dude on phone, across the street from where Vicki is standing.

She darts into traffic because she wants to help Dude, obviously, but also because she hasn’t really changed her life to deal with her RP. Long Coat is already gone, of course, because this is set up like a vampire attack, and Vicki is mystified as we head into our opening credits and rockin’ theme. (All of these people have insanely chiseled chins, it’s bizarre.)

Hokay, so! Vicki calls it in, looks like Dude is dead. Detectives Graham and Celluci have caught the case, and Vicki mutters about Celluci. My money is on former partner that will be a maybe love-interest, especially since he’s played very handsomely by Dylan Neal:

Graham – Celluci’s new partner – has heard a lot about Vicki, who is apparently a legend for running through partners like water. She fires back that she wonders how long Graham’s going to last, so my money is now solidly on the “fractious ex-partners, maybe lovers” trope for Vicki and Celluci.

Vicki gives her statement, and then she and Celluci start fighting about it because we have to lean really hard on dialogue to establish character here, for some reason. We could have understood the bickering even if it weren’t shouted like they were a football field apart. Shame no one let the audience do their job. But, turns out that this murder is “just like the other one”, though Celluci refuses to tell Vicki any more about that, because she can’t expect to be treated like a cop anymore.

At her office the next day, a goth girl comes in demanding to know what happened last night, because “you were there!” Turns out, Dude was her boyfriend, and she knows who killed him – a vampire. Her name’s Coreen, his was Ian, and she wants Vicki to help her find the vamp who did it.

Vicki is obviously skeptical, but she takes the case – though she says she’ll only put a few days into it unless something really pops. And she warns Coreen that probably, nothing will.

Meanwhile, a vampire is getting a woman out of his bed and out of his apartment with a little good sex followed by a bite and a little innocent hypnotism. Once she’s gone – happily and alive! – he heads out for something. His doorman stops him for chitchat on the way out, mentioning the “vampire murders” he read about in the paper. Vamp Dude overreacts to that, yelling about how vampires aren’t real and the people who write that kind of shit are “idiots!” The doorman is like, uh, yeah, sure boss, whatever, and then Vamp Dude walks out with his newspaper.

This has to be Henry.

Vicki is back in the alley, scene of the attack, at night for some reason, but at least she has a flashlight this time. She takes a pic of what looks like some sort of sigil on the wall, and heads further down for clues. Behind her is Henry, right on time, to pass his hand over the sigil and Flashback for us ever-so-briefly, to being held down by men in black robes, chanting Latin. Vicki turns from collecting something out of a crack in the wall and hails Henry, but he uses a passing van to disappear before she can ask him anything.

Next stop is the medical examiner’s office! Mysteries are nothing if not predictable, which is probably why Moonlight pissed me off so much. There’s a formula! There’s beats to hit! Blood Ties is certainly doing its job in that respect. The ME is more involved in solving the kid’s murder than that Vicki isn’t technically a cop anymore, so she lets Vicki sit in on her preliminary examination. She confirms that there was another murder just like this, victims punctured by something super-sharp, both drained of blood. Vicki gives her the stuff she pulled out of the wall; a quick test confirms it’s blood. If the ME finds anything else, she’ll let Vicki know.

Demon Summoner Dude – Norman – is hanging out at the coffee shop where, surprise surprise, Coreen works. He has a sketchbook full of her, and some friends trying to say hi. He brushes them off – no time to hang with undergrads, he’s going through changes, he’s going to end up with the money and cars and girlfriend. They’ll see.

Coreen comes around and he settles up the bill with a huge tip. The friends wonder where he got all that money, but he just mentions again that “things are changing”. It is clear that Coreen doesn’t know him and isn’t interested, and I’m annoyed that we have been writing incel villains for roughly forever and it’s changed absolutely nothing about incel behavior. Delightful. Love it.

Celluci calls Vicki’s office to bother her about her visit to the ME – who’s actually a coroner, sorry, she didn’t even get a name in that scene, so, y’know. Vicki suggests sharing their info on the case, and Celluci says sure, meet me for dinner. She’s a little surprised, but agrees.

Norman goes home to an apartment full of arcade games and a jukebox, opens the door to his demon room, and summons his pet demon guy. Norman demands more of everything – more money, new clothes, a Porsche. His cockney demon says that he knows what it costs – “blood and souls”. Norman says yeah, I know, go do your thing, and the demon scampers away.

Celluci and Vicki get Chinese takeout and Mike (Celluci’s much-easier-to-type first name) doesn’t want to give up the goods on the case. It’s too hot, the info can’t get out, she knows better! Then he starts telling her she should try yoga for her RP.

Not literally, but, like, he’s telling her all about the latest research or some shit. She calls him out on it and he says he just “cares” about her, and if she’d just made some simple adjustments, she could have lived “a completely normal life!”

The fuck, dude?! No, for real, the fuck? I hope I’m not supposed to like this guy, because I really, really do not.

Mike makes her a deal: she tells him why she’s on this case, he’ll tell her SOME of what he knows. She makes him go first: they assume a perp on drugs, a razor for a weapon, the blood is ritualistic. Occult. Standard nonsense. Vicki gives up that she’s working for Coreen, and that she thinks a vampire did it. Mike dismisses it immediately, but Vicki points out that the blood had to go somewhere, and she didn’t see a blood vacuum at the scene when she was there. But then again, vampires are ridiculous, so clearly that’s not a real option. Let’s have another beer.

Our third victim gets into her car in a garage, and is promptly taken out by the demon – who stabs her with a sharpened fingernail. A claw?

Vicki had too many beers: she and Mike are making out at her cab. She says something teasingly mean, and he puts her in the cab without another word.

Henry is reading his paper at a diner; the waitress says vampires are a sign the city is world-class. She never mentions the city, but I remember this being Toronto, and in that case, girl, where have you been? That shizz is overrun with vamps. Vamps out the wazoo. Vamps out our ears. Vamps from here to the dance floor (to understand this joke, please see the 1990s Noah Baumbach movie, “Kicking and Screaming”).

He leaves and heads to a club, where Vicki is waiting outside to get in. From the clubwear of the patrons, I’m guessing this is a goth hangout, and thus both our protagonists are here to check up on Ian and Coreen’s friends and enemies. It is not, unfortunately, The Raven.

Vicki gets in and Henry asks her immediately what she’s doing there, with something like gloss on the words, but Vicki shakes him off and leaves. Henry stops a waiter next, and asks him about Ian; waiter says he had words with two guys, and Henry goes to talk to the guys. Real toughies, too, probably think they’re going to rob him or some junk. Oh, Ian was a waiter here, too. Henry establishes that they didn’t kill Ian – they aren’t that kind of evil – and of course has to beat his way out of the situation.

Vicki asks at the bar about Ian, and gets the same story from the bartender. He calls over other waiter about the two guys, and other waiter says they all went outside, so Vicki follows. She finds the guys, but no Henry, and no memories.

Guys, this show is pretty good, I am digging it! It can’t hurt that it’s based on actual books that were actually edited and already made sense, of course, and some of these directing and editing choices are a little weird, but it’s a pilot! I’m just so relieved that we’re back on more Forever Knight-esque footing than whatever-the-fuck Moonlight was. It’s like sinking into a featherbed after a long day of hard work.

Cate, overdosing on vampires

So it’s late, and Henry gets caught by the sun just before he makes it home. The doorman comments on his hand being burned – “I was making a friend dinner” – and Henry flees upstairs. Pretty standard lore exposition, but I can’t fault them for using a winning formula.

Graham and Celluci talk to the hot dog vendor who found the third vic, and the light is…bizarre. It’s daytime, sun shining, but there’s a blue filter over everything? Like, more than Twilight, even? It makes me wonder about day-for-night shooting: like, maybe they’re making the daylight shots look purposely strange so the night stuff, when it’s not really night, might not look bad? Or something? Because it continues into the next scene with Norman trying some PUA shit on a college girl, and it’s just like

Anyway, aside from everything being blue, I spotted a BMO Bank of Montreal, so yeah, we’re in Canada. And Vicki’s back at the coroner’s. The blood in the crack was Ian’s blood, and there was a substance on the victims’ throats like saliva. And the cells under the third vic’s nails is almost like batwing, but not quite. Seems like maybe a vampire – “Count Dracula on a bender?” says Vicki. Probably not, says the coroner – but then again, who knows?

I haven’t really been covering the banter here, but this cast already gets along well with each other. Vicki and Mike, Mike and Graham, even Henry and his doorman – everyone gets some quips, some jibes, a little chance to show the relationships. These people get along with each other, they like each other. It makes us more likely to like them, too; even Mike and his stupid yoga.

Vicki pops into the station to talk to Mike about the coroner’s report. He shoots down the vampire talk, but Vicki says she can’t just dismiss that it might be something weird. She storms off to continue her investigation, and Mike is annoyed that she’s not giving up.

Henry is at the scene of the third murder, where that same sigil is on one of the walls. Another brief flashback. This sigil is bad news bears, y’all.

Which is why Vicki is investigating it. She asks Coreen about the pentagram in it, because when she plots the murders, they could be three points on a pentagram. She calls Celluci to tell him she thinks she knows where the next murder could be – just as Norman starts to summon and Henry has drawn his own pentagram, so we can get everyone nearer to the big climax.

Slight problem, though: Norman needs a more powerful demon to get Coreen. Current demon tells him that he needs to do a couple more murders, and then a sacrifice right in the center of the pentagram, and they can get the big guy to get him the girl. Norman says to make it happen, no matter.

The fourth vic screams in the park where demon runs into her; both Vicki and Henry come a-running. The demon is scared off, but not before he tells Henry that his master is “coming for you!” Then he explodes into bats, which is pretty cool. Henry goes to the girl, but she’s already been slashed and is dead. Too bad that’s when Vicki finally gets there; she thinks Henry’s her guy. She threatens him with a nightstick, so he charges her, and when she can actually see his vamped-out face, she faints.

Which is when the police show up, so Henry flees – with an unconscious Vicki still in his arms.

And that’s Part One! I thought about doing both parts of the pilot, but I am old and tired, and I can’t actually sit still that long. But! Perhaps! I will drop an extra recap this weekend, if you’re all good little Snowflakes.

See you next week!

SGRoA: Moonlight, S1 E4: Fever

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Welcome back, Snowflakes! I actually remember this episode a little, so I’m looking forward to this one. As I recall, it is very silly, and of course includes the must-have trope for all vampire television ever: The Vampire Drinks From The Human and there are CONSEQUENCES. Let’s get started!

We open on a tight closeup of Mick’s face, eyes yellow, head all sweaty. The camera is doing this weird pulsating thing that makes it difficult to watch if your eyes or brain are weird (I have both!), and we get Mick’s signature useless voiceover about drinking blood: “What if the one thing you needed to survive is the one thing that would make life unbearable?”

“I’d do it so much better.” We know, Meredith. We know.

Obviously, he bites Beth, and then we’re going to work back to this moment, I assume. Though somehow next thing Beth is gone and there’s just Mick, in a bathtub full of water and plastic ice cubes (like, super-obviously plastic, no one was caring on set that day), doing the Record-Scratch, “I bet you’re wondering” trope. He bets we’re wondering how he found himself “near death in no-star motel hell”. I mean, I read the summary on the DVD box, so I’m not really, but I know that’s how the meme has to go, so continue.

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Moonlight, S1 E2: Out Of The Past

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Happy Thursday, Snowflakes! Like every week since March 2020, this one has not been eventful, but it was pleasant just the same. We’re working up some plans to redo our lawn this summer, which I know is only exciting to other 40-something homeowners with lawns, but it’s also the only piece of news I have, so there’s that. Let’s get started!

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Moonlight, S1, E1: No Such Thing As Vampires, Triumphant Return Edition

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SNOWFLAKES! IT HAS BEEN A VERY LONG TIME! I might write about why I’ve been absent – it involves autism, too many jobs, my weird-ass personal life, and a broken brain – but for now! we have! NEW RECAPS!

MOONLIGHT ran for one season in 2007-2008. It stars Alex O’Laughlin, whom you may know from his recent (very long) stint on the rebooted Hawaii 5-0 (Five-Oh? 5-Oh? Five-0? whatever, it was copaganda anyway) as our Nick Knight main vamp, Sophia Myles as his human love interest, and Shannnnnnyyynnnyynnnyyynnnn Sossamon as – I forget, honestly. His dame, maybe? Or some girl he turned? I’m like 80% sure she’s a vamp at the start, but it’s been over a decade since I watched this, and my memory is shit at the best of times, so! Oh, there’s also this dweeby little vamp guy played by Jason Dohring who was in Veronica Mars, so some of you may know him, but I never got into that one.

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RiTS: Forever Knight, Intimations of Mortality, Chapter 3: Legalization Edition

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OK, you guys, here’s the thing: I have read ahead in this book. I’ve been through about 5 chapters now.

It is so. boring.

Maybe I’m jaded. Maybe I study too much story structure. Maybe this plot just feels stale because this book is 20 years old already. I don’t know.

What I DO know, though, is that I have a beautiful bong and a whole bunch of high-quality flower in my garage, and that shit makes everything interesting. So here, thanks to the good voters of Colorado and the awesome folks at my local dispensary, is Chapter 3, enhanced. Continue reading

SGRoA: Forever Knight S03 E07: Hearts of Darkness

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Snowflakes! I don’t really have anything to talk about here, because life has been boring lately, but! I do have a recap for you! Let’s get started!

So, the Raven is a strip club now? And it’s amateur night? Lacroix seems awfully happy to proclaim that his customers are going to “reveal their inner selves by GETTING NAKED!”

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