Hello, Snowflakes! It’s time for the next installment of Super Giant Recaps of Awesome! Are you ready to finish the cinematic masterpiece that is a remake of a movie with Rick Springfield? Of course you are. Let’s get to it.
When we last left our intrepid bunch, ancient Mayan blood ritual cups had gone missing, a bunch of drained bodies were popping up, Nick was not doing so great at hiding his vampirism or policing, and Lacroix was sending not-entirely-cryptic radio messages to him. Oh, yeah, and homeless people were dying, including Nick’s random homeless friends (whom we will never see again).
Flashback time! Lacroix’s voiceover is asking Nick if he remembered all the cheesy, over-the-top vampiry we saw in the last episode. Then we get our recap, all narrated by Lacroix mocking Nick for being a cop, mocking him for wanting to be mortal, basically, just snarking the fuck out of Nick’s life. Which, let’s be honest, I’m not going to disagree with. Nick is my least favorite character in this show.
But oh, snap! Lacroix admits he has the other cup, and wants to know if Nick is going to answer his summons. Duh. Come on. We wouldn’t have a show if he didn’t, and true to form, he shows up at Lacroix’s AM station. AM. Really? Well, I guess maybe Lacroix’s like George Noory, and can only get the weird middle-of-the-night time slot.
Elyse, the museum curator, is still following Nick. I should make a drinking game for all the bizarre unprofessional behavior in this series, but I’m already kind of a drunk, so maybe I don’t need the help.
They all end up at a…warehouse? Laboratory? It’s like a warehouse, but then there’s a slaughterhouse inside? Or maybe just the one pig? Look, guys, it’s weird:
So Lacroix picked it to have a “midnight snack”. Look, y’all, I never get tired of over-the-top cheesy-ass vampiry, let me tell you. Probably why I loved this show. And Nigel Bennett does so well with it, it’s delightful. So whatever it is, lab, slaughterhouse, who knows, at least it lets Lacroix be a little ridiculous and drink from a ladle that’s been left in the bucket of blood under that one pig, before pulling the other cup from his jacket and using that to drink from like a civilized vampire.
There’s a conversation about how Nick has turned his back on Lacroix and didn’t Nick want this and blah blah. You know the drill, Snowflakes. I’m pretty sure it’s a standard convo in every story about a tortured vamp.
Nick says he wants the cup; Lacroix tells him to “come and get it” and then flies to the rafters. They scuffle; Lacroix tells him he hasn’t the courage to get the cup, and then Nick vamps out and Elyse screams, because brains.
Vamp-outs on FK are pretty boring, but then, they didn’t have a big budget for makeup like Buffy The Vampire Slayer or a big budget for SFX like True Blood. (You really want to click that last link. Trust me. SFW, and it will make your day.) So vamps go from this:
Some contacts and some fake fangs. It’s almost not worth the effort, you know?
Lacroix will smash the cup or kill Elyse, it’s up to Nick. He saves Elyse, and Lacroix rightly points out that either way, he won. Elyse runs, Nick falls to his not-death. Lacroix offers Nick mortality, through fire, or a stake, or decapitation, while brandishing a giant cleaver. Just before the death blow, Nick kicks him into a big rack of…stakes? What?
Is it some sort of meat-holding device? I am so confused by this labwareslaughterhouse that I suppose it’s for the best that this is the entirety of this fight. 800-year-old vampire, at least 1000-year-old vampire, one kick, end of story. I know the budget isn’t that big, guys, but for reals. At least have them punch each other a couple of times or something.
Flashback time! Turns out Nick never really wanted to be a vampire. He’s whining seconds after birth. More musing about the nature of humanity and the nature of immortality. Which…Look, I’m not really complaining. These are themes that vampire fiction is meant to deal with, and it’s necessary to have these conversations. I just get a little bored with there always being a reluctant vamp getting schooled by a ruthless vamp.
Nick tells Lacroix he’ll repay him for this gift, and then we’re back to the labwareslaughterhouse and Nick being all regretful that he had to kill Lacroix. But we’re 14 minutes into the episode, Snowflakes, so I think we all know that Lacroix isn’t dead.
Nick smokes and smoulders his way to his trunk, because the sun is up. So at least we know he only uses that trunk space for one body.
Elyse calls the station looking for him, and of course he hasn’t checked in, and the Captain and Schenke and Nat are all worried that he hasn’t been seen since the crime scene the night before. The captain says he’ll have a great time explaining that to the mayor. Yeah. Knight’s really important, I guess? Or the case is? But the captain knows about Nick’s “sun allergy”, so…I don’t know how he’s supposed to show up during the day, anyway. I guess he could call, but would that really reassure the mayor? “Yeah, so, the cop on the case totally went missing today, but it’s cool. He called.”
Nick’s car gets towed to the precinct, and of course Schenke picks it up and takes it for a ride, giving us a rundown of his teenage years in Wisconsin in the process. Why Wisconsin? Why not!
The bloodmobile is at the blood bank, and we finally see our killer is…the blood-bank guy. Duh.
Nick climbs out of the trunk in the parking garage and then does a little innocent B&E on a doctor’s office to steal patient records.
While Schenke and Nick are busy, BloodBankGuy cuts the brake line on the car. Nick and Schenke get back in, and it’s a close call for polka-playing Schenke as he goes down a hill. Fortunately, no one’s hurt, despite what the timing of the commercial break leads us to believe.
Elyse has fallen asleep at her desk, and her alarm wakes her just after dark so she can call Nick at work, and then at home. When she can’t find him, she copies down the first four numbers on the wall glyph which Nick oh-so-helpfully told her were his alarm code and sets off. You know what? Maybe these two stalkery non-professionals are made for each other. Maybe they can really make it work. They’ll certainly always know what’s going on in each other’s lives.
So Nick’s car is banged up, and the precinct mechanic says it’s only good for scrap metal, but it’s a ’66 Caddy. No. You buff out those dents and it’ll be fine. Nick decides this is a good moment to come out of the trunk (HEE. Can we make that a thing? Like, for gay mechanics or something?) and OMG LOOK AT THIS AWFUL OUTFIT:
Dad jeans with a sweater TUCKED IN and one of those uber-dork dusters. Nick is sexy, you guys. And smarter than the mechanic: He identifies the cut brake line. He also tells Schenke that he was right: The museum guard and the homeless murders are not connected.
Elyse goes to Nick’s apartment, and of course she’s followed. She wanders around his apartment and sees the other cup. She hears something from the elevator, and opens it to reveal Nick’s homeless friend who’s been missing. She’s all bloody, curled up on the elevator floor. But at least she’s alive, right? Elyse sets her up on the couch and calls an ambulance, but Homeless Girl is all freaked out and wants “no hospitals” because “he’ll be there”.
Nick and Schenke are at the blood bank – hospital? It’s not clear – sniffing around for their murderer. They discover who it is, and that he has a tragic backstory about his mom dying from a tainted blood transfusion. The murderer isn’t at the hospital, but at Nick’s apartment, so he’s obviously been following Homeless Girl? Elyse? Whatever, he poses as the paramedics Elyse called and she lets him right up.
Nick conveniently calls to check his answering machine (It’s the 90s!), and Elyse picks up, then leaves the phone off the hook to answer the door for the murderer, so Nick can hear that she’s being attacked and runs out of the hospital to go save everyone.
He flies, of course, despite Schenke wondering how he’s going to get to his place.
So BloodBankMurderer is tearing the place up, and HomelessGirl fights him off with fire, like you do. BBM takes her fire and tosses it across the room, which seems like an odd way to deal with something that might kill you, too. Nick breaks his own window to save the day, and almost chomps BBM, but settles for knocking him out instead. HomelessGirl gets out okay, but Elyse needs some help, and in that moment Lacroix busts through another window and chomps BBM.
This is a hell of a lot going on.
Obviously Lacroix is alive, because a steel stake isn’t doing shit. You’d think Nick would have a handle on what’s lethal to him, but you’d be wrong.
Nick’s all out of energy, and it’s because he hasn’t fed, so obvies Elyse offers herself so he can fight Lacroix. Because cliches are the best. Elyse thinks he’ll turn her, though, instead of just killing her, and she claims she wants that FOR SCIENCE. Nick passes, and starts waving torches around all willy-nilly to kill Lacroix. So here’s the fight we wanted in the beginning of the episode, only Nick’s trying to beat Lacroix without using vampire powers, and immediately gets knocked out long enough for Lacroix to chomp Elyse.
Luckily for Nick, Lacroix left a flaming stake in the wall next to him, so while Lacroix is distracted, Nick impales him. And we never see Lacroix again.
HAHAHAHAHA, no. You know that motherfucker is coming back. And thank god.
Elyse is dead, Nick gives his Mayan cup to the museum, and he and Nat have a conversation about how vampires don’t fall in love.
I don’t – I – What? Vampires don’t love? They’re suddenly, what, devoid of all human emotion when they die? Is this the excuse that Nick gives Nat for not being able to bone her on the regular? Because I think “We work together” would make a lot more sense.
They walk out of the museum with Schenke, and just when we think everything’s hunky-dory, we see vamped-out Elyse staring down through the skylight. Oh, snap! Too bad you’ll never be in another episode, Elyse!
I get that these two eps were originally all together, but Jesus, that is a lot of shit going down in one hour. Homeless people, blood bank murders, car tampering, Mayan cups, vampire fights…From now on, the episodes get a little more manageable, and thank goodness.
But nobody ever really gets their shit together re: vampires and normal emotion. I understand that vamps see the world differently, that their relationships aren’t the same as human ones. But “We can’t love, we’re dead” is just bullshit, though it goes a long way toward explaining Nick’s ridiculous quest to be mortal.
Until next week, Snowflakes!
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