Evening, kiddos! I have been baking and candymaking up a storm in preparation for my annual Christmas Eve party – or, as I like to call it in honor of my birthday, Catemas! Tomorrow I have to brave Costco and Target, but tonight, it’s nothing but Nick.
OMG YOU GUYS. This is the one with Nat’s brother! Fun fact: I was once flipping channels and found some Lifetime movie with Nat, Lacroix, and the guy who plays Nat’s brother. I was so damned confused when everyone was walking around in sunlight. This was well before DVRs and digital everything with built-in guides; I still have no idea what that movie was. I just know I thought I’d found some FK reruns, and I hadn’t. It gave me such a sad.
Okay, anyway. So Nat’s brother’s car broke down, and she goes to get him because he’s called her on that weird middle-phase mobile phone that wasn’t quite the AT&T brick, but not quite a flip-phone, either.
Some greasy guy is being arrested? I guess? and insults Schenke’s tailor. The greasy guy is Saul Craven, which seems a little obvious, even for this show. Right behind him are a blonde and her lawyer. Blondie’s testifying against Saul, and Schenke thinks she should give her deposition right now. So she sarcastically agrees, and then says, “And I’ll give you a back-door key to my bedroom, too.”
Okay. Sarcastic or not, offers of anal sex are a little sexxxier than I like from my late-night CBS crime dramas, thank you very much.
Oh, Nat’s brother is the Crown Prosecutor, and he’s offered someone immunity. Blondie, I guess? She wants it in writing.
Some guy getting booked has grabbed an officer’s gun, so of course Nick goes out to put the mojo on him just as Nat’s brother – Richard – comes in the door behind the guy with the gun. We know where this is going, right? Despite having an officer as a hostage, the guy shoots Richard, and he’s off to the hospital.
Richard’s in a coma or something, and Nat’s complaining that he “had to be the hero.” He’s got a wife and kid, too. From what I saw, though, he just…walked into work. Nat’s all angry, blah blah, but I might be, too, if I were wearing that scrunchie.
Wow, Richard’s wife has a HUGE head. And their kid is at least three years too old to still be all “Mommy” “Daddy” and holding a teddy bear. But wevs. We’re supposed to think he’s awesome because Big Head Wife and Weird Daughter exist.
Nat stays at the hospital roughly all the time, even when Big Head Wife isn’t there. But good news, everyone! Richard wakes up!
And now it’s flashback time. Some woman is running along a beach, dressed in rags. She’s stolen food, and now some dudes are trying to rape her in “payment”, but find out she’s a leper. So they stab her, like you do. (Based on accents and clothing, this is 19th century British Isles.)
Nat comes to see Nick at his loft, crying about how Richard can’t die, he’s a good man, Big Head isn’t going to survive this! Nick has to save him! But of course Nick doesn’t want to, because the consequences of this are HUGE. Bigger than Richard’s wife’s head, you guys.
I actually really like this episode. I know the conceit is kind of a cliche – humans know a vampire, humans can’t deal with death, humans want the vampire to fix it, vampire knows better – but this is one of those big existential questions that vampire media can explore really well. What are the consequences of meddling in life and death? Who’s capable of judging who deserves death? How does immortality – or the perception of it – change someone’s character? Does it? Who can tell? These are big questions, questions we don’t really get to think about in real life. Philosophy. They’re interesting, and there are very few avenues to entertain them, so it’s no surprise when vampire stories go there.
Nick sticks to his guns, though, even after Nat gets understandably angry and yells that he owes her, that it’s not fair that he should be the only one to live forever.
We’re back on the beach, and Nick finds the woman. She’s still alive, but barely, and Nick offers her vampirism.
Cut to The Raven, and Janette’s excellent lace gloves. Nick needs advice: has Janette ever brought anyone over? She advises him to let Richard die, but it turns out she’s never turned anyone because she can’t ever stop herself from draining her victims. But is Nick prepared to be bound to Richard forever? Oh, Nick doesn’t believe in that.
Okay. I get not “believing” that there might be a magical bond between a sire and a child. Sure. But does Nick really think that you’re ever disconnected from your progeny? I mean, as long as they aren’t dead? I get that he wasn’t a parent when he was alive, but isn’t making vampires a lot like having kids? You’re never not connected to your children. I can’t imagine that you would ever just let your vampire child go, just let him wander around without a little contact, without wondering, without hoping they’re all right. Or not all right, whichever, but come ON, Nicolas. You can’t just make someone immortal and then be all, “So, here’s twenty bucks, catch the next bus, have a good life!”
Blondie doesn’t want to testify against Craven, so Schenke’s trying to make the case some other way.
Despite telling Nick that Richard was going to die, and having her own medical degree to back that up, Nat tries convincing the doctor on Richard’s case that he’ll totes make it. Um, no.
Nick makes Leprous Lucy into a vamp. Like no one saw that coming. I hate the way the flashbacks are intercut in some of these episodes. Like, I get why they’re here, but can’t we just have more of the story at once?
Nick also makes Richard a vampire, with Nat critiquing his performance. Nat takes Richard “downtown”, using her license and Nick’s badge to gloss over all the objections of the medical staff.
They fake Richard’s funeral and then tell Big Head Wife that Richard’s still alive. Which is obviously much better for everyone, psychologically speaking. I mean, I get that’s why Nat wanted him turned, but still. Thinking he’s dead, then having him back, but not really back, because he’s going to have to learn about his new life, and dumping vampirism on another human? None of this sounds like a good idea. Not even a little bit.
Leprous Lucy isn’t so leprous anymore, and her name is Elizabeth. She looks super familiar, but I can’t place her. Nick tells her she’s beautiful again, and he’ll teach her everything she needs to know.
Richard’s waking up, too, complaining of being hungry, and is just now getting around to asking Nick what’s going to become of his life, which triggers another flashback: Lacroix teaching Nick.
So Nick gives Richard the rundown. But – there’s already been a funeral. Hasn’t it been like a week since he died, then? No one has a funeral the next day. Unless Richard’s Jewish? But apparently crucifixes will hurt him, so I’m guessing not.
Richard wants to see his family, but Nick says he’s not ready. Richard has to learn to control his “urges and desires”, and it’s the world’s weirdest masturbation speech, boys and girls!
He has some vision/dream of Craven, and Big Head screaming, so he calls her to make sure she’s okay. Big Head is really happy he’s alive, and everyone’s going to need so. much. therapy.
Richard starts watching the news, because that’s a good idea, and vamps out when he hears that the Craven case is falling apart. Nick is at work, of course, because where else would you be when there’s a Newborn in your apartment? Even Grant Black takes a couple days off to deal with Newborns.
Schenke got Nat flowers, and then asks when the service is. So it has only been a day? Two? Someone needed to fix this timeline, yo. Nat says it was very small and already over, and pulls Nick into another room to ask how Richard is. Nick says he’s fine. O RLY? You’re not there, Nick. You don’t know that he’s vamped out and flying over Toronto, do you? No. You don’t know that’s he’s killing random rapists. But he is, Nick. He is.
Nick and Schenke get called to the scene, of course, because Richard left a body and a witness, and then goes on to kill two more people in the next three hours.
Nick goes down to The Raven to see if Janette’s seen Richard, and she’s understandably pissed. And hasn’t seen him, either. She tells Nick to fucking find him, now, or he risks everyone’s exposure.
Richard, of course, has gone to get Saul Craven, now that the case has fallen apart. Nick flashes back on Elizabeth’s revenge, and figures out that Richard’s going to go kill a fuckton more people – including the witness against Saul Craven.
Nick goes home and tells Nat all of this, in a lovely I-told-you-so tone. Richard’s there, though, and claims it’s all Nick’s fault. And, really, I’mma have to side with Richard, here. I mean, yeah, he’s passing the buck, but dude. You do not leave a Newborn alone.
Richard’s all high on power, and he doesn’t want to control his urges, because he can kill killers. Which – yeah, Dick, you can, but not, like, twelve a night, yo. And not without getting rid of the bodies.
Big Head Wife wanders in, and Richard’s all vamped out for her, but Nick holds her back, so it’s time for a vamp-fight! Nick stakes him and shoves him in the sun, and that’s the end of Dick the vampire. Nick does the mojo on Big Head Wife, and she totes forgets everything that happened. Richard’s just dead. Which – props to Nick, I guess, for thinking of it, but did she tell the kid? What about that daughter?
“I’m going to tell her that Daddy’s death was something God wanted.”
SO. MUCH. THERAPY.
Next week is Christmas Eve, Snowflakes, and the week after is New Year’s Eve, so I won’t see you until January. Until then, love, kisses, and plenty of fudge!
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