Oh, the puns, they burn!
Some blonde in a patent-leather trench walks into a club, finds Kenickie from Grease, and starts making out with him. She takes him home because she is obviously not lousy with virginity. He tells her they’re going to do “something new”, and she says, “After the video.” Oh, but no, this is better than the video. Of course, he doesn’t actually tell her what it is because consent is for suckers, and then he’s choking her. Because breath play is something you just spring on your partner.
She punches him in the junk and crosses the room, and then someone’s shooting him. We’re supposed to believe it’s her, but that would be the lamest mystery in the history of the genre, so.
The press is all over the crime scene before Nick even shows up, followed closely by the captain. Apparently she’s saying self-defense, that some dude broke in and choked her. Why? Well, she’s a cop’s wife – the inspector’s wife. So either she did shoot the dude, which seems unlikely given the time between her catching her breath and the shots, or she’s covering up for someone so she can keep her kinky secrets.
Holy crap. This is the first guy on the scene:
Nick’s asking about Blondie’s state of mind when he showed up. Apparently, she kept saying it was all her fault, and this triggers Flashback Time.
Nick’s posing for an artist with some woman who’s crying her eyes out and telling Nick that it’s in his power to remove her guilt. DaVinci 2, Electric Boogaloo (aka Master Painter Bosch) is having none of their stalling, however, and glares fiercely until they pose again. Behind a sheet. Which just seems weird. Like, they’re obviously supposed to be naked, but all we can see are their heads/shoulders and the arm Nick holds out over the sheet. And why is Nick an artist’s model, anyway? Is this what he does for fun? It didn’t pay well, did it?
I’m so confused.
Back in the 90s, Schenke’s harassing the forensic tech. Why? Who knows? Because the kid’s a nerd? At least he’s quiet and polite, unlike some techs I know.
Back at the office, Stonetree’s reminiscing about his relationship with Inspector Fiori, Blondie’s wife. (Her name is Lynn, bee tee dubs.) Schenke gives Nick the lowdown on the vic, who has a very long rapsheet, obvies. Criminals deserve to die; no one’s very upset about this case. Nick thinks the case isn’t coming together as simple self-defense. The captain is having none of this: Lynn’s a crack shot, trauma or no trauma, and even though Nick has other objections, the captain is clear that this case is fucking closed, bitch.
Schenke and a room full of cops are watching the porn that was left at the scene when Nick comes in, and everyone leaves real quick-like, while Schenke gives his critique of the “film”. He advises Nick to drop the case, too, in a supremely awkward bit of expositional dialogue that announces Fiori is Stonetree’s best friend.
Schenke takes Nick’s car, and Nick walks over to the video store to see who rented the porn. (Thank God for the internet, right? Can you imagine having to leave the house for porn? That is way too much trouble for a boner, right there.) The owner of the joint – who is wearing a lizard like a brooch
– demands a warrant, but Nick just puts the vampire whammy on him, and boom! Illegally-obtained information he can’t use in court. HA! Just kidding. He’ll totes claim the dude cooperated voluntarily. Lynn Fiori called in a couple days ago and said she’d found the tape and would return it. Of course, that doesn’t tell Nick who rented it, but he seems happy with that info.
Stonetree is advising Fiori to take Lynn away so she won’t have a nervous breakdown. Fiori’s worried about the tabloids, and Stonetree tells him he promised a press-conference. But there’s three weeks between that and the preliminary hearing, so it’s totes cool if they skip town.
Village Person cop drives by the porn shop where Schenke has picked up Nick, and he says that Lynn’s neighbor recognized the vic (Cubbins, which is such a damn cute name for a bad guy who likes non-consensual sex acts.). Schenke still wants to drop it. Nick tells him to get a warrant, because he goes flying over to the Fioris’ house to eavesdrop on their conversation about Lynn indulging her “abnormal, contemptible appetites”. Oh, sluts. Stop being so unwomanly! So inhuman!
Lynn wonders why Fiori won’t just divorce her, and he says it’s because he loves her. He’ll always love her. She yells that she doesn’t want him to love her and storms off. So…why doesn’t she file for divorce? You can get divorced even when one person won’t sign. Yes, it’s an expensive, ridiculous pain in the ass, but I’m sure that even in Canada it’s possible. Dude is a judgmental dickface. Drop him and find yourself a sweet kinkster to settle down with, Lynn. Everyone will be happier.
Flashback Time! Model lady wants Nick to kill her, because she’s committed a “woman’s” crime: Seduction. Oh, I see. It’s the anti-slut-shaming episode. Some nobleman raped her, because she’s an artist’s model, and duh, she’s always open for business. Model lady is totes buying into the patriarchy – because why wouldn’t she? – but Nick’s having none of it. So enlightened for a 13th-century knight. Who is now in the 16th century. I don’t know that I can buy any of this.
Model Lady goes behind the screen to undress, and Bosch comes over to see how nobleman Nick is enjoying his “artistic experience”. He says art has its rewards, and Model Lady is one of ’em. “She puts up strenuous resistance, but she’s worth it.” Gross.
Nick goes back to the apartment to find the bullets, and then returns to the station where someone drops some sort of proof on his desk. Cubbins didn’t break in, and the bullets weren’t in the wall like she said they would be.
Schenke hasn’t got the warrant because the judge said the Fiori case is a “dead issue.” I don’t know why the judge has an opinion on this before it ever gets to his court, but – oh, no, wait, I totally do.
Nat and Schenke lecture Nick about dropping the case, and then Lynn comes in to give her statement. In the interview room, she’s telling part of the truth – that yeah, she let Cubbins in, and he choked her. But then she says that Cubbins came after her after the junk-punching and that he threw things at her, so she shot him twice.
Flashback time! Model Lady can’t have asked for it, because she fought the dude off. She’s no seductress! Only those terrible bitches who are drugged or freeze up when they’re in danger are seductresses. Duh.
Nick tries to poke holes in Lynn’s story, and everyone’s pissed at him for it. But her answers, along with the location of the bullets, prove to him that she didn’t do it. Nat thinks that Cubbins deserved it, but Nick says that’s not the point. He also thinks it’s weird that Lynn feels guilty about it.
Back in the Renaissance, we have a totally gratuitous rape scene. Nice, guys. Thanks for that. Model Lady begs Nick to kill her, because she’ll always be seducing guys to rape her.
Oh, yes, the Raven! Janette knows all about Cubbins, apparently. She gives Nick the lowdown on his known associates, one of whom is in the club right that minute: Morgan Delitchky. Oh, it’s porn video store owner! He says Cubbins never would have died if he’d known that “bimbo” “belonged” to a cop.
Guys. I will need such a shower after this one. Blech.
Delitchky lied about who rented the video, so now he’s in an interview room and Schenke’s going to show him a photo of Fiori and Lynn to see if he recognizes either of them. Only he gets caught by Stonetree.
Model Lady has poisoned herself, obvies. In the studio. Bosch is all put out that he’ll have to pay to bury her.
Nick goes to see Lynn and tell her he believes she’s innocent. She tells him she can’t take much more of this, she just wants the case to be over. I’mma go out on a limb, here – a big, sturdy, low-to-the-ground limb – and say that Fiori did the firing, not Lynn. She shuts the door in Nick’s face.
Turns out Fiori threatened Delitchky into lying about the video, because Lynn rented it, and Fiori was trying to get out ahead of the scandal. Stonetree goes to see Lynn to tell her they all know she’s not guilty, but she thinks she is because obviously if she hadn’t been boning him, her husband wouldn’t have killed him. She’s reluctant to implicate Fiori, but eventually, she hangs her head and says she’ll have to go get dressed – to make another statement, presumably.
Schenke calls Nick to tell him that Stonetree’s over at the Fioris’, and Nick’s worried that shit’s going to go down. Fiori comes home to find Stonetree in his house, and instead of giving up his weapon and going quietly, he brains the captain and then tries to cover things up. There’s a lot of boring cover-up scenes and people driving and uniforms at the Fioris’ house and of course the captain isn’t dead, just knocked out.
Long story short, YMCA picks up Lynn to find out where Fiori took Stonetree, Nick finds them mid-villain-exposition, there’s a lot of gunfire that doesn’t get him, and Nick and Stonetree take the guy down. I’ll be honest, I watched this on fast-forward, because zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz. At least up until the captain gets shot and then says it’s just a flesh wound.
Blah blah denoument at a ball game, and we finish the episode with some rah rah feminism yeah!
Feh. This one was boring. It felt three hours long, and that’s not just because I stopped for lunch in the middle. And gross. You can’t just toss in some “feminism is great” dialogue at the end to excuse rape scenes and general grossness, you know.
Thank God next week is Schenke hiding out at The Raven. Comic gold, thy name is John Kapelos.
Show SGRoA Post List