I…don’t have anything to say in my preamble this week. It’s been a boring week, y’all, so let’s get to it!
We open on the end of a first date, and a headless couple at her door. She’s apologetically trying to rebuff the guy’s advances, when he fakes a page from “the hospital” and asks to use her phone. She lets him in and he promptly assaults her, then kills her for not giving up the sex. I mean, he paid for dinner and everything! Ugh.
The media have already shown up at the crime scene, and a reporter is speculating that this is a serial rapist/murderer. Nick shows up – late – and Nat gives us a rundown on Victim #3: Strangulation, no forced entry. Schenke finds a video of the vic from a dating service. Do you guys remember that? When people did video dating? And it was a big taboo, too, like you were “resorting” to a dating service – as Schenke says, wondering why the victim, who was attractive and seemed to have her life together, would have done such a thing. Nat responds that it’s “the 90s”, and dating services have their place, but she hasn’t used one, of course. Yet. Maybe. Anyway, who has time for dating?
And then Schenke tries to set Nick and Nat up. No, Schenke. Bad Schenke. Leave that shit alone, trust me.
Back at the lab, Fabulous Bitch and the rest of the assistants have a cake for Natalie. It’s her 30th. Huh. I always thought she was mid-thirties at the young end. I guess Botox has totally fucked my estimation of age.
Anyway, the assistants bought her a black negligee for the occasion. Schenke grabs some cake on his way through for lab results, and Nick asks whose birthday it is – because he totes forgot. Which is weird, because we learn in Nat’s Flashback Time that two years ago, Nick came through the morgue after an explosion. I can only assume he wasn’t anywhere near the bomb, because I’m pretty sure itty bitty pieces are not something you heal from, vampire or no.
Nick and Schenke go check out the dating service, and find out the vic hadn’t had a date in six months, and the other two vics weren’t clients of the dating service.
Nat goes home to a cat, of course, and an interesting orange paint scheme I kind of dig. But I have a thing for bright colors after 12 years in Phoenix, land of twenty-seven different names for “beige”.
Nick’s thinking time comes early this episode, while he’s in his silk pajamas, hitting golf balls on one of those little home putting-green things. Instead of, you know, getting Nat a card or taking her for a late dinner or something. You’re a good friend, Nick.
Nat runs down to the local bodega to buy some groceries, and as she’s walking home, she literally runs into some dude. Like, bloodies his nose all up. Nat, how fast are you walking? Anyway, he notices that she has a cat (cat food), and tells her not to worry about the nose and then they do that looking at each other, looking away thing that should be flirty, but just looks dumb. And just when she’s starting to get along with “Roger”, Nick comes around the corner with daisies for her birthday. One of his vampire powers must be cock-blocking – and the card says, “Happy Birthday, ‘with affection’, Nick”.
“With affection”? Seriously, Nick? It’s in quotation marks? Your affection is sarcastic?
You are a giant dick biscuit.
Anyway, Nat gives her number to Roger – well, she tells him her name, and that she’s in the book. Yes, children, once upon a time, people listed their phone numbers in this thing called a book that was made of paper and distributed free of charge. I know. It’s weird. But it’s why WhitePages.com is called that.
Schenke comes down to the lab to give Nat a number – Myra’s cousin’s sister’s friend, or something. Nat’s understandably angry, and tells Schenke to beat it. And then it’s back to two years ago, and Nick waking up on the table in the morgue, all vamped out. Nat’s understandably curious, and kinda terrified, as Nick gets up off the table and steals some blood to drink. “What are you?” she whispers. “Something very different from you,” Nick says.
Dating service lady shows up at the precinct because the other two vics were members – their memberships had expired. She also says the only person who would have “known” all three vics is a dude she let go for sexual harassment who had access to the computers. His name’s not Roger, though.
Speaking of, he calls Nat at the lab, since she left the number on her answering machine. She likes to be helpful to stalkers. He asks her for a late lunch, and she meets him for an impromptu picnic in the park. He’s in a suit and tie, so we can hope he’s white-collar, and he’s sort of relentlessly cheerful.
Nick’s cock-blocking senses are tingling, so he calls the lab. Fabulous Bitch tells him Nat’s on a date, and he’s not happy.
Meanwhile, Nat’s telling Roger that she hasn’t been out in the sun in a while, and we’re back to the morgue, where Nick’s telling her he’s a vampire, and he’s dead. And then Roger pulls her back to the present and suggests playing hooky to go fly a kite.
Guys, I know he’s the perp and all – and if you didn’t, you really don’t understand how this show works – but I like Roger. He’s fun. I wanna go fly kites instead of hanging out with vampires who won’t bang me.
Nick and Schenke go stakeout the dating service guy’s apartment, or something, and he runs when he sees them, so he’s under arrest. They should name the guy Red Herring, see if anyone notices.
Nat comes home with Roger, and her pager goes off at the door, but she’s all, “It’s not important” and invites Roger in. She opens the door and starts kissing him, only to have Nick – who is standing in her apartment, paging her from her own phone – clear his throat.
Woah. Dude. No. None of this is okay. Not even a little bit. Especially not when Nick starts a fight with Nat about how she’s too familiar with Roger for a first date.
Nick. You know what your job is? Policing criminals. You know what your job isn’t? Policing Natalie’s sexual choices. The woman is thirty. Just because she isn’t 800-something doesn’t mean she isn’t a grown-ass woman who’s allowed to set up the sex swing and the nipple clamps in the living room with some guy she just met if that’s what she wants to do. You’re not her boyfriend – as you keep reminding her. You don’t get a say in who she fucks. Or kisses on her doorstep. Are you giving Janette these lectures? No? Then don’t start being a dick with Nat.
God. Sometimes, Nick, you are just the grossest worst.
Anyway, the captain calls Nick at Nat’s place – and that’s probably a problem, but we’ll deal with it later – and they’ve found another victim in the woods. She was a client of the dating service, but of course Red Herring couldn’t have done it, because he was in jail for two of the four dates of the murders. Nick’s not convinced by that, though, and goes to rough the guy up and threaten him with some prison rape.
Turns out, dude sold the info to some guy in a van with a flower on it. For $50.
In the lab, Fabulous Bitch forgot to get a fourth sample for DNA comparison from the crime scene, so Nat offers her scarf with Roger’s blood on it. Nick comes down to force Nat to forgive him for being such an asshole, because he’s such a Nice Guy and she should just forgive him already because he just wants her to be happy and
Sing it, Tina. He goes on to say that maybe he’s standing in the way of Nat’s happiness – YOU THINK, DOUCHEBAG?! – and he thinks it’s great she’s dating other people and he totally won’t mess it up.
Nat’s not having it. She gives him a terse, “Yeah, thanks, whatever,” and goes back to work. And Flashback Time. Apparently, Nick tried the mojo on her and it didn’t stick. He’s stalking her already, seeing if she remembers him. She does, and she wants to help him after he whines about being a vampire.
Nick insists he’s evil, and can’t be helped, and I’m inclined to agree with him, Nat.
Nat calls Roger and sets up another date, and she’s all cute and grinning on the phone and I really wish she weren’t going to get punished by the writers for daring to want someone other than Nick.
Roger’s driving Nat’s car, and – wait, why? I see this a lot on TV and in movies, guys driving women’s cars. No one drives my car but me, unless I’m impaired in some way. And even then, I’m not happy about it. It’s MY car. Other people just mess up the seat and the mirrors and shit and then it takes months to get it back the way it’s supposed to be and you know what? Maybe I’m a little bit of a control freak, but whatever. At least my way, dudes can’t drive me to a flower shop and lock me in. Which is what Roger does, though Nat thinks he’s an attorney and wonders why he has keys to the shop – “A friend lent them to me.”
Nick goes to the lab to snoop through Nat’s shit, and finds a journal of all her experiments with him. Fabulous Bitch finds him and is actually grateful, because she’s gotten the DNA results back and of course Roger’s come up as the perp. Nat didn’t tell anyone where she was going, and FB did some digging and found out Roger’s not a lawyer, so Nick goes to her place to see if he can find anything out. And he does – a florist’s box, with a flower on it like the flower on the white van. Nick takes to the roof and flies away, off to save the day.
Nat’s making out with Roger, but thinking about how Nick said he didn’t want to hurt her, but he might anyway. Roger’s unbuttoning buttons, telling her she “won’t be sorry”. Gee, thanks, Rog. That’s not creepy at all.
Nat shuts him down with “Maybe we’re going too fast” and he gets all mad, because “half [her] clothes are off already and now [she] want[s] to slow down?!” Roger gets hold of himself and asks to start over, and Nat placates him until he turns his back and she runs. And, of course, trips over a garden hose, so Roger catches up with her. I mean, we can’t have Nat saving herself. That wouldn’t allow Nice Guy Nick to save the day, would it?
And save the day he does, of course.
Next week: Nick’s version of The Volturi are after some journalist, and it’s up to Nick to save her from getting killed for having evidence of vampires. Jeez, guys. Isn’t it easier just to turn these people?Show SGRoA Post List