Snowflakes! I need a vacation to recover from my vacation. But no matter! Recaps wait for no one!
Schenke’s arguing with an Asian family in the reception area of the precinct. Nick comes up and says one word in another language – I’m sorry, I don’t recognize the people or the language – and they quiet down. Cut to some dude outside duct-taping a gun to his arm. He walks up to Natalie as she gets out of her car, asks if she’s going in to the police station, and then brandishes the gun, saying, “We’ll go in together” and holding up some sort of – noose, I guess? To control her? That seems like a safe bet.
Schenke’s only got three more night shifts – or, you know, two seasons’ worth. Nick asks him what’s up with the family, and apparently they’re under police protection because the dad killed a gang-banger who was harassing the son. So, I guess in Toronto, murder’s cool if it’s for the right reasons? Not that I disagree with defending your family, but…yeah.
Shady dude comes in with Natalie, and everyone freaks out, and we cut to Nick putting up his gun and looking extra-concerned before the credits roll.
Oh, Nick’s still in the squad room with Schenke. Shady dude wants his brother released; the brother robbed a bank. Schenke’s under a desk, so Nick tells him to stay put, because SD doesn’t know he’s there, and he’ll be able to take a shot. Stonetree and Nick go out into reception to talk to SD, and Nick offers himself as a hostage, all while wearing a creepy little half-smile that I’m pretty sure is not going to help his case.
Look, Nick, I know you have no fear of guns, because duh, but that smile? No. Laughing in the face of danger is fine if you’re alone, but you piss this guy off, and everyone goes BOOM.
This vampire. This fucking vampire.
Having a gun in his face triggers Flashback Time! when Nick had a gun in his back in a library. Oh, wait, it’s just a stick, which is kind of a bigger deal for a vampire. He’s being held up by some dude with an atrocious German accent who checks Nick’s passport and sees he’s American. He says something about papers, but I’ll be honest, it’s all just a Cold War German cliche at this point. Nick grabs the stick and pins the guy with it up around his neck, then says he’s looking for a book. Who’ll help him? “My fahzer,” says Terrible German Dude. “Hee eez the night custodian.” Also, I feel I should mention that TGD has the world’s most heinous haircut. Sort of like that secondary priest dude in The Fifth Element? But worse.
Anyway. TGD takes Nick down to the basement, where the father threatens him with a knife and Nick asks for “the Abarat”. Dude says he hasn’t heard of it, and that Nick should go back to America because he’ll get no help from them. Nick says he might not give them the choice when in walks Hot Daughter, who looks like Olivia D’Abo but isn’t. Which will not stop me calling her Olivia for the remainder of the recap, mind you. Anyway, Olivia says the book won’t help Nick, unless he reads Ancient Sanskrit. Which, you know. Dude’s had 800 years. I think he can pick this shit up.
She wants to know why he’s interested in “The Ancient Book of Miracles”, and he says it’s because it contains cures. She tells him to go ask the military or the SS or something – I’m not really listening – because they’re very accommodating to American spies. Nick says that obviously they’re all looking to get out of East Berlin, and he can help, but Olivia’s having none of that. “Whatever way you came, you’re going back.”
“With the Abarat.”
“With us.” She’ll help him find the book, and translate it, if he gets them out of East Germany. How anyone is going to find a book that Clive Barker won’t write for another 36 years is beyond me.
Anywho, she takes him further into the basement through some tunnels and gives us some boring-ass exposition and OH MY GOD, THIS WHOLE EPISODE IS FLASHBACK.
So, blah blah, there’s a shitton of books to look through, but Olivia can read the covers because languages are her specialty and they’ll find it. I. Don’t. Care. Like, so hard. I’m tempted to just skip to the end and tell you everyone was fine and then have a gif party. No? I have to do this? *SIGH* FINE. I HOPE YOU LOVE ME FOR THIS.
There’s a bunch of exposition about the Luftwaffe and Nick wanting freedom and blah blah. Olivia tells Nick that he has to go show her dad and brother how to get out of the city – something about catacombs? – and she’ll see him tomorrow night, and I think it’s supposed to be, like, romantic or some shit?
Nick takes the dudes out on the street, and he hears Lacroix whisper his name.
They consult some map, and then there’s more whispering, and now I’m paying some attention, because LACROIX, BITCHES. There’s some vamp flying and then we’re…in a church? But it’s all busted? Nick finds a sarcophagus and pushes the lid aside, then calls for the dudes. I guess that’s the entrance to the catacombs? Everything’s really dark and boring, you guys. Brother wants to leave right away, but Nick says no, no one’s leaving until he says it’s safe and until he has his book of the future. Which is a good book, and everyone should read it, but I don’t know that it’s worth all this when he can just wait till 2002 and buy it at Borders.
They all leave the church-thing, and Nick says they’ll leave the city tomorrow at midnight. But oh, snap! Lacroix’s been watching you plan your little plans. $10 says this goes south real fucking fast for our defectors.
Back at Metro PD, it’s still a standoff. Stonetree is doing a shit job of talking the perp down, and Schenke’s still under the desk, holding his gun like a moron.
Stonetree tells the guy he’s never getting out alive, and the building’s surrounded, and even if he gives him his brother, they’ll get taken out immediately. Is dude ready to die here tonight? Nick starts to put the mojo on him, and now it’s back to the book basement, where we have a talk about how shitty communism is.
Meanwhile, Lacroix – calling himself a “friend of the State”, which makes me sad – is tattling on the defectors to the border patrol, or whatever it is. Nick, why did you not pay attention? You’re going to get these people killed – an outcome that they suspect of him, anyway, when he says he’ll go through the tunnels first. He wants to make sure they’re passable, but the family thinks he might be leaving them behind for the police.
Brother is at home packing, and decides not to wait for Nick to show him the way. He’s going now, and fuck his family. He leaves the house and heads for the church-thing, but the police get him instead.
Nick and Olivia are still looking for the book, but Nick’s taking some time out to sexually harass her. Oh, no, wait, this expression is supposed to be lustful:
because they sort of almost kiss. I’m seriously just grossed out at this point. Seriously, tell me this isn’t bad touch:
I mean, she follows this up by threatening to kill him if he turns out to be secret police.
Shady Dude shoots a bunch of people, including Stonetree. Schenke’s still holding his gun wrong, just waiting for his shot. SD wants all the cops out of the precinct, which – then who’s going to let your brother out? Isn’t that where he’s being held? Or did you just go to any police station, thinking this would work out? This is not the world’s best plan, yo.
Father German goes to fetch Brother from home. But of course he’s being tortured so he’ll give up the identity of the American “agent”. To his credit, Brother isn’t talking. But I wouldn’t tell anything to fake Germans with bad accents, either, even if I were one of them.
Father sees all the squads at his house and watches from the shadows for a while, then goes back to the book basement. Too late, though: the head of the fake Germans knows where they are, and sends people to collect everyone. Lacroix says that he won’t be able to arrest the American, and that he wants him, anyway.
Lacroix, I have to ask: Why don’t you just give up on Nick? For cereals, he does not want to be involved with you. I’m pretty sure he’d just forget about you if you’d leave him alone. Why is he worth all this trouble? He’s whiny and annoying and you could do so much better. Also, you know, No Means No, and all.
Back at the precinct, SD lets some people go, but then wants to see his brother. Nick says no way, the only way he’ll get out alive is if he lets Nat go and gives up. So dude pulls the pin on a grenade. Nice. He says that he wants Nick to go outside with him – in the sun – so that he can make it through the police barricade. If Nick won’t go, dude’s going to blow everyone up.
The SS or whatever they are show up at the library, and Olivia and her dad are sure that Nick sold them out, but Nick’s also their only option for escape. They lock themselves in the basement and go out the back way. Olivia and Dad go for the church, and Nick vamps out to rescue Brother. They make it to the tunnels, but so do the police, and Nick finally figures out it was all Lacroix. He sends the family ahead and says he’ll deal with the SS. Olivia goes back because she has sexual harasser Stockholm Syndrome and sees Nick all vamped out. Instead of running like a normal person, she’s all, “Oh, that’s why you want the ancient book full of cures? Cool story, bro.”
Nick causes a cave-in to seal the entrance of the tunnels, so you’d better hope you can remove any cave-ins along the way, because there’s only one way out now. Of course, he can, and they make it out, and Olivia’s going to keep his secret, because OF COURSE. But Lacroix finds the Abarat and takes it with him, even though he burns the rest of the library. When Nick shows back up, he’s all, “Is this what you want?” and tosses it in the fire.
Back in the future, Shady Dude heads toward the door, but lets Nat go just before they leave. Schenke shoots him, but he throws the grenade anyway. Nick catches it so it doesn’t go off, and everyone’s fine. Bored, but fine.
Next week: Ladies, your vanity is turning you into homicidal maniacs. Don’t you know you’re just as pretty without makeup? I should probably warn you, it sounds like there will be at least one rant about beauty standards and misogyny from me, and probably very liberal use of this gif:
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