Snowflakes! I know I owe you a RITS, and I’m going to do double chapters on Friday. I was ill over the weekend, and just couldn’t find the energy to blog. I promise, I’ll do better! Let’s recap!
We’re watching “The Jerry Show”, and the subject is people who have sex with weird shit. Ghosts, etc. One of the guests claims that her boyfriend is a vampire, and the shot pulls out until we see Nat watching this on one of those tiny 90s portable TVs in the lab. And then we’re back in the studio, and Tracy’s in the audience!
Jerry turns to a psychologist and asks her what she thinks about the relationship. The good doctor basically says that normal people are healthy to fall in love with, but vampires aren’t – Maggie, our guest, is just living a fantasy to cover up for a bad relationship in which the sex is non-existent. Which Natalie sort of shrugs at, because yeah, we all know how that’s going for you and Nick. Poor Nat. You can do better!
Jerry goes into the audience for reactions, and picks Tracy, asking her what she would say to someone who thinks they’re in love with a vampire. “Um. They should get help!”
Natalie agrees with me, judging by the look on her face, watching Tracy.
Later that night, Maggie gets stabbed – presumably by her “vampire” boyfriend. If he is be-fanged, he’s not vampiring very well, is he? All that wasted blood.
OMG OMG OMG. YOU GUYS. “Jerry”, the talk show host? IS GEORDIE JOHNSON WHO PLAYED DRACULA IN DRACULA: THE SERIES.
I was obsessed with this show, right before FK. It was on Saturday mornings, and I think it was, like, for tweens? Like Saved By The Bell, but with fangs. Geordie Johnson informed a lot of my confused little teenage sexuality, let me tell you. So hot. So evil.
And you know what else? Geraint Wyn Davies played a vampire ON THAT SHOW, TOO. He was “Klaus Helsing”. For 5 episodes!
The series is available on DVD – for NINETY AMERICAN DOLLARS. Whut. Now I’m sad.
Anyway… At the crime scene, Nat and Tracy both recognize the victim, obviously. Tracy tells Nick all about the show, and his smug little smirk is hilarious, as is his aside to Nat that “her boyfriend was a vampire!” He tells all this to Reese, who makes the obvious Jenny Jones connection and tells Nick to find the boyfriend – fast!
Tracy and Nick go to the Jerry set to talk to Jerry. As they’re walking in, Tracy brings Nick up to speed on Maggie – she was quiet, didn’t have many friends, kept to herself. Nick asks Tracy if she believes in the whole vampire boyfriend thing, and Tracy overreacts deliciously. Nick can’t get rid of that smirk. I don’t blame him.
Tracy thinks maybe the boyfriend really believed he was a vampire, and he killed Maggie to shut her up. Good theory. Makes sense. I don’t know how someone from MetroPD came up with it.
Jerry’s taping a completely disingenuous plea for people to not connect Maggie’s murder to the show and thereby trivialize it.
Feel like I’m going to get a lot of mileage out of Mercutio, there.
Neither Jerry nor the producer asked for the boyfriend’s name or address, because the story was about what the need for love does to people, instead of actually getting down to the bottom of vampire myths. Jerry then changes the subject entirely by suggesting Tracy be on the show – something about women in dangerous, male-dominated fields.
Nick says they should get back to the precinct, and Tracy says she has to stop at home to let the plumber in. Nick smirks and says, “The plumber. Okay. Sure.”
Because Tracy’s running off to Vachon, obviously, to see if the boyfriend really was a vampire. And Nick knows it, everybody knows it but Tracy, and I’m annoyed all over again. Especially when Tracy starts talking not-very-abstractly about relationships and not knowing where they’re going or if they even exist. Like, just use your words, Tracy. Stop being passive-aggressive and giving us Vachon Flashback Time!
Vachon and Screed and some other dude have picked up a bunch of wenches. But Vachon gives everyone some lecture about being “gentlemen” and treating the women like “ladies”. They think he’s interrupting their fun, but then he pours champagne all over his wench and everyone’s back to literally rolling in the hay.
No, I don’t know what that was about, either. I think the theme of the episode is “relationships”, which is just so boring. I mean, I know Nick’s trying to be more human and we’re defined by how we relate to other humans, yadda yadda, but I don’t need a bunch of women being passive-aggressive and the men around them being dumb about it. At all. That Mars-Venus shit has got to fucking go, already.
In the lab, Nat’s all snippy. Nick asks her point-blank why she’s upset with him, and she says she feels a little like Maggie – used by her boyfriend. And it all comes down to Nick not doing the work to become human – still drinking blood, not taking his meds or using his skin cream. It hurts her, and Nick doesn’t know what to say to that.
Maggie’s place has been under surveillance, and Tracy goes to check on it. Someone’s in Maggie’s apartment, and Tracy hustles across the street to catch him. The surveillance guys call Nick, who tells them not to move till he gets there, and they’re all, “Well, your partner’s already there, you know.” Nick flips out, flies there, and grabs the “perp” with Vachon’s help before Tracy can even turn on a light.
The guy – George Upton – is in a combover and a bad sport jacket, and claims to be an “acquaintance” of Maggie’s. Nick takes him out of the house, while Vachon and Tracy bicker about whether Tracy needs his help or not. And no, George isn’t a vampire.
At the precinct, Nick pokes holes in Tracy’s story about why Vachon was there, and makes a pointed remark about her “plumber”. JUST TELL HER, NICK, JEEZ.
George says that he and Maggie were dating, and that Maggie was “a real kinky chick”.
George is, of course, married. He was in Maggie’s apartment to get rid of anything that could link them, because his wife’ll kill him. He claims the vampire thing was all just role-playing, and there’s no reason not to believe him. They cut him loose.
Tracy goes on a rant about cheating men who won’t commit, and YAWN. They check on Mrs. Upton’s whereabouts, and she’s been in Winnipeg for the last week, so the jealous wife angle is also out.
Reese is on a tear about reality TV and people being dumb and all I can think is the comment I got a few episodes ago, about how Reese’s whole character is just trying to be logical, and being thwarted at every turn. Poor guy.
Nick brings up Jerry’s invitation for Tracy to do the show, and Reese orders her to do it since it’s “case-related”. Nick smirks. I have to say, I like this jerky, smirking Nick more than regular Nick. He’s a lot more fun to watch, at any rate – even if he’s probably a shitty partner.
At the Raven, Lacroix is making bad BDSM jokes about love injuring us – it “whips and spanks us”.
Only if it’s done right, Lacroix.
Against this backdrop of Lacroix bitching about love, we have Nat sitting in Nick’s loft, and Nick coming home to her breaking up with him and walking out.
On the Jerry set, there’s a fistfight. No chairs are thrown, however.
You know, I may know too much about 90s talk show scandals.
Anyway. Tracy shows up for her background interview, and they assure her it’s a good time, despite the fight still happening in the background. Jerry, Tracy, and the producer (Charlie) all head to Jerry’s office. The psychologist from the other night barges in, trying to make sure Jerry’s all right. Charlie is super icy to her, and I wonder what’s going on there, because Charlie is all over Tracy.
Jerry wants to film Tracy getting into a bad part of town, having a car chase – something exciting. Tracy says she doesn’t get into a lot of situations like that, and Jerry says they can stage it – but Charlie says that’s not in their budget. She suggests a meeting with a criminal informant, and Tracy says she has a snitch she can call.
“Great!” says Charlie, still sitting almost literally on top of Tracy. “Now, about your makeover….”
Tracy’s complaining about the whole interview to Vachon, at home. Vachon is going through her refrigerator. Why?
Tracy’s afraid she’ll look dumb, and she’s describing how she thinks she’ll look – dress cut up to here and down to there, “Babe Cop” – and Vachon, standing behind her, stares at her ass and contemplates all of that. Which is cute, actually. I’ve seen Mr. Winters make that same face. I have not then gone on to yell at him for staring at my (admittedly, fabulous) ass, like Tracy does. Vachon says he was remembering a different time, but he doesn’t want to share that memory. Tracy doesn’t push; she just asks him if he’d like to be on television.
Nick tries calling Nat, probably for the umpteenth time, and gets her machine. He heads out…somewhere.
Dr. Talk Show (sorry, I missed her name, because I didn’t think it was important) gets in her car. Her car phone rings, right before someone lands on her roof, and then bashes all her windows in with a tire iron. He kills her.
Jerry and Charlie both say that Dr. was working late, and they left before her. Tracy asks if Reese still wants her to do the interview, and he says yes. Nick tries to get Nat to talk to him, and she’s all, “Um, nope. Said what I wanted to. We’re done now.”
Tracy corners Nat and compares Vachon to Nick, saying that maybe relationships take a long time. Nat’s all, “Um, nope. We’re done now. Good luck with your loser, but I’m fine without mine.”
HA! Tracy’s on the street for her interview, waiting for Vachon, dressed in something that tries to be a Chanel suit paired with a crop top, a ridiculous beehive, and enormous hoop earrings.
Vachon walks up and spouts some movie dialogue – even Charlie is like, “This sounds familiar”. A dude with a knife walks up to them, and Vachon disarms him. He runs away.
Reese demands the footage, and Charlie hands it over. Reese takes a look at Tracy, and there’s that look again: “What am I doing here? Why is everything so bizarre?”
Tracy mentions her “informant”, and Reese is all, “You set up a meeting? Where is he? I need to interview him!” Nick helpfully adds that his name is Vachon, and he’ll go get him. Tracy is not pleased about that.
Nick goes to the Raven, and of course Vachon is there. He says he couldn’t catch the guy with the cameras rolling, because that would give away the whole vampire thing, wouldn’t it? And he didn’t get a good look at the guy. Nick asks if he thinks it was planned – like by the show crew.
Vachon doesn’t answer, but segues into ogling the girls in the club. Lacroix comes over and talks about how the modern “female” is so demanding, and nothing is like the good old days.
All the wenches are dead, of course, and even Screed ate one. The three vampire dudes are all talking about how great murderous one-night-stands are. O…kay? I mean, you do you, but it seems a little…stereotypical, yes? More Mars-Venus shit. I would think that the alienation of immortality would make them crave deeper connections, but what do I know? I just write vampire novels, after all. About people. Not stereotypes.
The knife-wielding attacker intentionally hid his face from the camera – the hidden camera. So it was a set-up by Charlie and/or Jerry. Tracy asks if they should bring ’em in, and Nick’s all, “It’s circumstantial”, but Reese is like, “They did a show last week on hitmen who married their intended victims. I’m glad I listen to my wife talk, like a normal human being, instead of being an idiot like all of you who just babble past each other. Obviously, they hired a hitman. Go get ’em. I’ll get a warrant.”
Tracy and Nick head off, but Nick stops to harass Natalie some more – going so far as to block her up against the wall with his arms. Not cool, Nick, not cool. He’s all, “How can I convince you I’m not using you?” and she’s all, “Um, but you are, because that’s subjective, and you need to shut up and go away.”
And he does.
At the studio, Tracy goes for the control room and Nick goes for Jerry’s office. Tracy’s going through a Rolodex when Charlie sneaks up on her with a gun, giving the villain’s standard confessional rundown. She hired the hitman to kill Maggie and the doctor AND Tracy. Tracy thinks it’s for ratings, but it’s really because Charlie is bonkers and thinks everyone is sleeping with Jerry – who’s obviously “hers”, duh.
Nick finally finds them – they’re on set, and Charlie is talking to an imaginary audience – and he tries to mojo Charlie, but, you know, bonkers.
Jerry shows up, because Charlie called him so he could witness a live execution that will bring them ALL the ratings!
Jerry’s all, “Um, excuse me, but no.” Charlie’s all, “But I love you! And you love me! And I’ve gotten rid of all my rivals, just for you!” And Jerry’s all, “Um, I know my accent is out of control and I totally sound like Bela Lugosi, but it’s still a no. Murder is not cool. Also, I just wanted to bang you, not get all involved.”
Charlie goes on a whole rant, and ends up shooting Jerry in the shoulder, because he’s the bastard who – I don’t know, took her for granted, or something? Nick grabs her gun and subdues her.
So, really, this whole episode just boils down to “Bitches be crazy.” Lovely.
Look, I could write a whole other blog post about why this is straight-up bullshit, but honestly, it’s not that kind of blog. And I know FK isn’t a show that deals with a lot of social commentary, but seriously, guys, you could have done better.
In the coda, Tracy gets the serious on-camera interview she wanted with Jerry, and Nat comes to see Nick because he got her flowers and a card. There’s something about how Nat could see how much he cared, and she just wanted him to say it, but neither of them apologizes for anything or talks anything out in any substantive way, so….
Next week: A stripper wakes up with a vampire victim in her bed! She can’t remember how he got there! Even the synopsis says that no one will tell Tracy that everyone knows about vampires! It also promises a fundamental misunderstanding of dissociative identity disorder! My head is already hitting my desk!
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