Why not “Dead of Knight”? I thought this series liked a good pun. I am disappoint.
Let’s get started!
Some caretaker is showing a couple an old Victorian. He says the workmen who were renovating took off after they saw ghosts. The dude says he’ll be redecorating, and orders the caretaker to find him some lights. The woman turns out to be his realtor, and she says that the current owner of the house specifically stipulated that the caretaker comes with it. JerkDude is all, “Like I give a shit. Where is the stupid owner, anyway?” because apparently in Canada, owners have to show houses. Why?
She says she’ll call the guy from her car phone. (Oh, 1995. Don’t ever change.) JerkDude heads upstairs and starts hearing voices. A set of French doors opens by itself, and behind him, we see a menacing shadow, just before he falls out the window – or is pushed, perhaps, by the woman in 1920s clothing we see staring down at his body from a second-floor gallery.
After the credits, the caretaker explains to Tracy that it’s not the house that’s haunted – it’s the people who go in it. Nick says he’s heard of the house, that it’s a portal to the other side, or something. Because of course Nick has.
The realtor says that she saw him fall, and looked up at the house. She thought she saw someone, but when she looked again, whoever it was was gone. Tracy keeps telling people to call their lawyers before they head downtown to give formal statements. Apparently in Canada, the cops don’t care if people lawyer up? Because, like, on Law & Order, they hate that shit.
Nat gives Nick her preliminary findings: JerkDude fell, died, the end. She tells Nick that if she didn’t know better, she’d say he was afraid of the house. He kind of smiles nervously, then tells her to keep that between them.
He wanders away, and some uniform asks Nat to sign the crime-scene duty roster. Nat sees her nametag reading “Natasha” and makes some comment about how her grandma used to call her Natasha. Uniform’s all, “Uh, jigga what?” and when Nat looks again, the nametag reads “Kate Nash”.
Tracy’s in the attic, which is where JerkDude fell from, but also it’s like the second floor? So…I don’t know. I’ll blame Canada. Anyway, she’s snooping around, like detectives do, and this weird girl in a huge puffy quilted coat is just chillin’ in a closet behind her. Tracy doesn’t see her, though.
Nick is snooping around the…basement? No, wait. Tracy was in the basement? Nick’s at the French doors through which dude fell. He steps out on the gallery, and he sees a woman in a cheap-ass white cloak with fake fur trim, like some low-rent Tilda Swinton from Chronicles of Narnia or some shit.
Nick runs downstairs, but of course the woman is gone, because ghosts.
Tracy comes out of the house – she was in the basement! – and Nick says they should go talk to the landlord. Tracy goes to get in the car, but puffy coat kid is sitting in her seat. Of course, Nick doesn’t see her, and she’s gone almost immediately, because ghosts.
Landlord is very excited about his “reverse medium” house, where the dead go to the living for closure. He’s wearing a legit smoking jacket, you guys, and a goddamn ascot. Like, what? Who is this dude?
Nick asks for an alibi, and he’s all, “Oh, I was home, exercising.” He says that his very much younger, very blonde and pretty assistant is also his “personal trainer”. O…kay then. They ask him if JerkDude (no, I won’t learn his name) believed in ghosts, and he says, “Well, he didn’t yesterday.”
Nat prepares for the autopsy with only a red light on? Because this is a darkroom? Or because this is spoopy? In any case, her grandma is standing in the corner, complaining about how awful the morgue is. She’s pissed that Nat didn’t go to the hospital to say goodbye, apparently, but this really doesn’t seem like something serious enough to agitate the dead, yo.
At the precinct, Reese is all, “Psh, ghosts are not real, give it the fuck up, bitches.” Turns out there’s no record of the agent making a call from her car. She has no alibi. Caretaker has no alibi. Clearly, someone killed JerkDude. Nat comes in and says that the death looks accidental, and Reese lays down the fucking law: “I hate it when people get away with homicide on my watch! Now we’re going to take a fresh look at things, and figure out who did it! Go home and sleep on it!”
They all sort of nod and shuffle away, by themselves, not as a group. But Nick isn’t alone for long! Sickly-looking Snow Queen soon makes her appearance, reminding Nick that he said they’d be together forever. He calls her “Alice”, and she says she’s his wife. Doesn’t he remember how she loved him?
Flashback Time! Nick’s getting married! In a church! In a ruff! In front of a bishop! And Lacroix’s there!
And that’s the end of the flashback, so none of my questions are answered. None of Nick’s or Alice’s, either, because she disappears.
Oh, he’d gone back to the house for this little chat. As he’s leaving, he finds a weird pin on the ground near where JerkDude landed. So, score one point for evidence of a real murderer.
Tracy, meanwhile, is having nightmares about her childhood friend who got her mitten stuck on the railroad tracks when they were kids and got run over by a train. Tracy clearly feels some guilt for not helping her, but, um, wtf was she supposed to do, exactly? It’s like ten seconds between “My mitten’s stuck” and “TRACY HELP ME” SPLAT. Like, no one could have helped in that amount of time, Trace. You’re fine.
I gotta say, so far, these ghosts are pretty lame.
Nick and Tracy go to see JerkDude’s boss. He doesn’t seem very broken up about Jerk, and says the guy had no friends. He wanted to buy the house because, I guess, they’re developers or something? It’s not really very clear. Tracy asks the boss if anything weird has happened to him since he went to see the house last week. He’s kind of a jerk, too, and says that you only see ghosts if you believe in them, and he doesn’t. Nick tells him not to leave town, and he’s all, “I’m in Alberta tomorrow” and Nick’s all, “Well, change your plans, jerkface.”
Back at the station, Tracy confesses she saw a ghost, and she blames herself for the girl getting hit by a train, despite neither putting the girl on the tracks nor driving the train. Nick listens, but doesn’t say anything, and Tracy walks away.
In the morgue, Nat carries on a lovely conversation with her Nanna that’s interrupted by Nick and Tracy. They all confess to each other that they’ve seen ghosts, but Nick says he’s not willing to say that ghosts killed JerkDude. Tracy ignores that completely and tells Nat that Nanna will be back, since Nat didn’t tell her the reason she didn’t go see her in the hospital. Nick turns slightly away in the world’s awkwardest segue to a Nightcrawler segment. Like, is he hearing Lacroix in his mind, now? Is Nat piping the show in through hidden morgue speakers?
Lacroix talks about how ghosts are just regrets, hallucinations about our bad decisions. And the Nightcrawler is just a segue to Flashback Time.
Nick’s making promises he won’t keep to the Snow Queen. They’ll be together for eternity, only she doesn’t actually know what that means, and he decides that telling her on their wedding night is a great idea. He chomps her, and I imagine he kills her, but we’re back in the car with Nick and Tracy talking about Tracy’s friend before we get the end of that.
JerkDude’s boss – JerkFace – calls Nick and says that “a dead someone” has been tailing him. Nick and Tracy head off to his office, and Tracy completely ignores police work to chase after PuffyCoat. While she’s doing that, some woman sneaks out of JerkFace’s office, leaving behind his corpse for Nick to find.
JerkFace died of a massive heart attack, and Nat’s all confused, but, um – potassium chloride, anyone? Why aren’t you checking that body for excess potassium and puncture marks? It’ll make anyone have a heart attack. Jeez, Nat. I get all my medical examining experience from Forensic Files, and I still do a better job than you.
Reese is really annoyed with everyone’s ghost hunting, and does Nick’s job for him: the pin was an Army service star. Tracy looks up JerkDude and JerkFace and finds they were frat brothers. Explains the jerkiness.
Nat goes back to the morgue and gets dating advice from Nanna, who likes Nick. Nat finally confesses that she didn’t want to see Nanna because Nanna was an abusive bitch to Nat when she was a kid. Nanna apologizes, and Nat forgives her, and then Nanna goes away.
What. the. fuck. No, Nat, you don’t have to forgive Nanna for being a grandbitch. In fact, abusing kids is pretty much unforgivable territory, for me. This is why you were haunted? You didn’t go see your abuser in the hospital?
Nat. You need all the therapy. Right now. Maybe you and Tracy can get a group rate. (But not Nick. Nick’s a dick and deserves to feel guilty.)
Nick comes in as Nat is saying goodbye to Nanna – who’s in fucking heaven, by the way, and no – and Nick’s all, “Um, maybe you should go home and rest.” And then he hands over the pin he found, like, two days ago.
Back on Nick’s wedding night (ew), he’s trying to turn Alice into a vampire. But, you know, she’s dead, and he’s wasting time pouring his blood into a glass for her. He seems to think she’s had enough to drink, and goes off to sleep for the day, but she’s still dead the next night. Lacroix comes in and basically tells him, “LOL, no, you can’t bring her back from the dead. You have to keep them alive, dummy.” Which, you know. Nick should know, even if it is his first attempt at making a vampire. You can keep people from dying, but you can’t bring them back if they’re gone. It’s vampiring 101.
Nick goes to the house and apologizes to Alice so she’ll go away. She shows up and tells him that he’s in danger at the house, and he’ll die there, and because he’s so awful, he’ll go straight to hell. Good to know the moral boundaries of the FK universe. Someone actively trying to atone for sins he hasn’t committed in a century or more? Hell. Someone who beats on a defenseless child and never admits it or apologizes? Heaven.
Tracy’s done some actual detecting. The Jerks were frat bros in Ohio. There was a rape/murder of an Army nurse near their university while they were there, and Tracy thinks they might be involved. Reese is all, “IT’S NOT A FUCKING GHOST GO DO YOUR JOB” and Tracy’s all peeved by that until Puffy Coat shows up again, right there in the precinct. Reese can’t see her, of course, and is rightfully concerned about Tracy having hallucinations in the office.
At the haunted house, Alice forgives Nick, and tells him again to get out of the house. “Others are coming,” she says, meaning that other ghosts are coming for Nick. But before he goes, she can help him solve the case, and she leads him to another clue – a pearl? Oh, a pearl earring. Just like the ones Smoking Jacket’s “assistant” was wearing the other night.
Puffy Coat tells Tracy to go to the house, too. She runs off, and a uniform hands Reese a pic of the unsolved murder victim – who looks just like the assistant.
At the house, all of Nick’s victims are coming for him, which seems…excessive. He’s running away from them when he stumbles on Smoking Jacket’s body, and the murderer. The unsolved vic was her mother, and she came to her in the house and told her the Jerks murdered her and had to be killed in revenge. She killed Smoking Jacket because he said he’d protect the house – the only place she’d ever seen her mom – but he was planning to sell it to the Jerks, who were, in fact, developers.
She shoots Nick and runs away. Tracy’s on the lawn, following Puffy Coat right into traffic. MurdererAssistant is about to shoot Nick and Tracy again, but luckily Reese has followed them and shoots her before she can shoot them. Of course, we couldn’t let this go without Reese seeing a ghost, too, but at least his is friendly and just wanted to say hi.
In the coda, Nat asks about Nick’s ghost, and of course Nick doesn’t give her any answers. The house is now city property, somehow, so it’ll probably be torn down. They talk about ghosts in general, and Nat calls it “a religious experience”. Poor Nat. All the therapy. You can add Reese, who’s now thinking about his old Army buddy, and keep Tracy, who’s laying roses on train tracks.
Next week: Virtual Reality! Back when that was a thing! And we thought it was cool! And Nick plays some dumb vampire game!Show SGRoA Post List