SGRoA: Vampire Diaries, S2 E22: As I Lay Dying

So annoyed I can’t find the clip I want from 1995’s Kicking and Screaming, one of Noah Baumbach’s early films. Max is home alone, reading the spines of the books on the shelf. “As I Lay Dying… Heart of Darkness….” He starts singing: “In this heart of darkness….” It’s the first thing I thought when I saw the episode title. Well, that, and the video essay I saw about it once where the person didn’t really get that the title was past-tense? Strange little detour in an otherwise solid essay.

Let’s get started!

Damon shows up to apologize to Elena for the assault-by-vampire-blood. Part of an apology tour, I’d guess, before he dies by werewolf bite. Elena says she’ll need a lot of time to forgive him, and he just says “Okay” and goes home.

The bite is advancing as slowly as befits a main character who definitely is not going to die - and by that, I mean way slower than Walking-Dead-Girl’s bite, which seemed like it was over in all of 20 minutes.

Damon opens his curtains and takes his ring off and stands in the sun to die until Stefan tackles him and shuts him in the downstairs dungeon, because they’re going to solve it and no one in this show has any autonomy of almost any kind.

Do you think they got the full season order for The Originals as they were filming the last episode, and that’s why it was such a dud ending? Like, seriously. Elijah and Klaus just… flew away? I thought I was over it, but I’ll tell you what, I am absolutely not. What a shitty trick to pull. And now we have to slog through a maudlin, stupid episode that was probably written last-minute, too, and deal with Stefan and Damon being - well, themselves, but it’s always better when they’re aimed elsewhere, I think we can agree to that point.

ANYWAY.

Klaus wakes up naked in a meadow, or some shit. He’s been a wolf for two days, at least according to Elijah, who also tells him that the full moon came and went, and he stayed a wolf. Apparently that means he can change at will.

Ugh, Klaus’s face is so smug and stupid. I really do not like this guy, and I’d hate to be mean to some dude just doing his job, but, like, is his face stuck like that? He only ever makes two expressions: gleefully smug and annoyedly smug. That’s it. Just… smugging and smarming up my screen with his dumb, dumb plot.

He “remember[s] every single kill”.

And also:

Elijah’s been cleaning up after Klaus, and reminds him that he said he would take Elijah to the bodies, which were not buried at sea, as Elijah thought. Or so Klaus says. Shoulda killed him, man.

Ric’s drinking at The Grill - like, hardcore, taking the bottle of whisky and walking around with it, drinking. In the middle of the day. In the town where he teaches high school.

Stefan calls and asks him for help with Damon’s bite. Ric says he’s not allowed to help, he’s just allowed to sit by and watch while his girlfriend dies. Yeah, no, I knew why you were drinking; I still don’t know why you’re doing it in public. In any case, he agrees when he hears that Damon is dying, which would be so riveting and concerning if it were true.

OMG, a BCE! Mystic Falls is celebrating Gone With The Wind, not because they’re connected to it in any way, but because they needed an excuse to put people in the ugliest fucking Party City dresses I’ve ever seen. And because we’ve gone like, I dunno, two episodes without a Big Community Event? Scandalous, when you think about it.

Oh, it’s movies in the park, and it’s GWTW today. Elena has dragged Jeremy to see it and have a picnic with Caroline. The Party City dresses make more sense now.

Bonnie and Stefan are doing a seance to contact her witch ancestors and ask what to do about Damon. Bonnie channels Emily, who says there is no cure, and that nature is balanced. Stefan argues, and she says she won’t give him what he wants - which indicates there’s something to give.

The witches then kick Bonnie “out”? of her own head? but that’s where she is? where did she go? - The witches push Bonnie back into her own head, accusing her of abusing her power. But she heard them say a name: Klaus.

Carol Lockwood storms into Sheriff Liz’s office and they proceed to pass the Bechdel test. Carol wants to know where they are with “the vampire situation”. Liz says she’s handling it, and Carol wonders if she is. Because she pays Liz to keep this town safe, and it doesn’t really seem like she’s getting what she’s paid for, lately, does it? Liz protests; Carol tells her to handle it, or she’ll find someone who will.

Stefan shows up to the movie picnic. But he’s not here for fun: he pulls Elena aside to tell her about Damon. She asks if Damon is going to die, and Stefan tells her yes, but, y’know.

Stefan says some other shit about going to find Klaus but I wasn’t listening because I was looking for that gif.

Damon’s delirious, having Flashback Time all by himself. It’s about Katharine, obviously, who’s wearing a cheap Frederick’s of Hollywood corset without a shift. Hair down - say it with me, now! - TITTIES OUT!

Stefan goes to see modern Katharine who says she’s been waiting TWO DAYS for the compulsion to wear off, and I - well:

THAT WAS ONLY 2 DAYS AGO? WHY? HOW? THERE HAVE BEEN FUNERALS!

Anyway, Stefan shows up right as Klaus and Elijah do. Oh, good, they’re back in town (she said, irritated). Stefan asks for help immediately, and Klaus says he can’t right now, he has to help Elijah find his family, but by that he just means he’s going to kill Elijah, with the dagger that is for some reason still in Ric’s apartment.

No, right, you’re right, it’s not convoluted or contrived at all, sure.

Damon tries to get Ric mad, and then outright begs Ric to kill him. No dice, of course.

Elena shows up at Castel Salvatore, only to be grabbed by Liz, who’s decided to storm the house tonight. Just what everyone needs. She promptly lets Damon out of his cell and gets knocked out for her trouble.

Ric calls Jeremy to protect Elena. Bonnie tries to stop Jeremy, but he points out that he was held behind from the last battle, and Jenna’s still dead. He’s going to protect his sister. So Bonnie and Caro just… watch him go. Good job!

Klaus smarms all over Stefan and werewolf bites Katharine and then feeds her his vampire blood and that’s it, that’s the cure. More smarm to make a deal.

Damon is wandering at the park, seeing Katharine where she isn’t until Jeremy finds him. Damon’s looking for Elena, who is… at the police station. Sheriff’s office, whatever. Elena’s trying to talk Liz down, but Liz won’t have it, and tells her deputy to keep Elena there.

Jeremy brings Damon into the (closed) Grill. He gets on the phone to Stefan to tell him, and lets go of Damon. Damon moves away from him just as Liz has entered The Grill and SHOT AT DAMON.

She hits Jeremy.

Bonnie and Caroline are hot on her heels, and Caro tries to feed Jer her blood, but no dice. Jeremy is dead (where is his ring?!). Bonnie says she knows what to do, they have to take him somewhere, and Liz tries to stop them - it’s a crime scene, you can’t move anything. Caroline tells her to stuff it. Liz lets them go.

Elena tries to get out of the sheriff’s office.

Klaus wants Stefan to go full bad boy or whatever happens when he drinks blood, in exchange for the werewolf cure. Stefan does what he’s told or there’s no cure. He starts with a blood bag. Very terrible, very vile, I can see why you hate it, Stefan.

The witches won’t help Bonnie bring Jeremy back, not until she says she loves him, which as we all know is the greatest magic of all.

Elena manages to get out of the sheriff’s office, to the park, and finds Damon, since everyone else is occupied. Ric can’t get out of a cellar, but Elena can jailbreak, cool. Good thing there aren’t any actual criminals in Mystic Falls: there’s clearly nowhere to hold them.

Damon’s still delirious, still seeing Katharine, and at one point literally says, “I choose you, Katharine.”

I laughed out loud - LOLed, you might even say. I know, it’s because I’m not locked in for this episode, everything’s boring, but come on, now. “I choose you”?!

Bonnie calls Caroline to tell her the good news. She and Liz have been standing around in The Grill this whole time. No looking for Damon, no checking on Elena, no trying to find Stefan - nope. Just standing around, probably not even talking to each other, knowing these two!

Caroline takes this moment to beg her mother to mend their relationship, and they end in a hug, so it seems like Liz is going to try to come to terms with the vampirism? But probably not, I don’t think she has it in her. She wants to love her daughter, sure, but I think Liz probably has a religious sort of fervor for eliminating vamps. It’s been this town’s entire identity, and the town is her entire identity. I hope I’m wrong! but I don’t think I am.

Jeremy googles “back from the dead” like a weirdo on television. He tells a face-timing Bonnie he feels weird, and she says that yeah, he was dead, so….

Elena manages to get Damon all the way home and into bed by herself. Girl, wtf. You’re unstoppable. Go use that strength for something useful!

She tells Damon she’s here for him till the bitter end. He tells her to tell Stefan he’s sorry. There’s still 8+ minutes in this episode.

Klaus is making Stefan glut himself on blood. How big are these stomachs? There can’t be any more room in Stefan, he’s fucking rosy. Fatted up like a tick.

Klaus compels Katharine to take the bottle of his blood to Damon. Stefan thinks she won’t take it, but Klaus definitely did weird pupils with her, it’s supposed to be compulsion, why wouldn’t that work? And if it doesn’t work, you don’t owe Klaus anything, right? I mean, yeah, Damon’s dead, but you were pretty sure Damon was dead anyway, and if you could just understand that PEOPLE FUCKING DIE, we could all have a much better show, with actual consequences, and you wouldn’t have to deal with Klaus’s smarm any further.

But Katharine does bring the blood, and does give it to Damon, and is also apparently free. Sure, why not.

She tells Elena that Stefan “gave himself” to Klaus, and Elena shouldn’t expect him any time soon. And she shouldn’t: they’re leaving town, right after Klaus makes Stefan kill a girl.

And in our last two minutes, it looks like Jeremy did, indeed, bring something back from beyond the pale: Vicki and Anna. All his regrets.