SGRoA: Vampire Diaries, S3 E1: The Birthday

HELLO, SNOWFLAKES! Been a minute, but y’all expect that from me, I’m sure. I got a new job, and I’ve had to figure out new schedules and yadda yadda, y’all know the drill. Or you’re neurotypical, and you don’t, and I wonder how you got here, but it’s nice to have you! It’s just when an autist like me adds something to her schedule, it takes a couple months at least to get used to it and have it be routine. During that time, a lot of stuff I liked doing falls by the wayside, because I’m processing too much new, and I have to rest a lot. Sucks, but the alternative is yet another period of burnout, and the last one was like three years. I can’t do that again.

SO ANYWAY, hopefully I will be semi-regular with these again. We did finish season 2, so if you missed that, go ahead and take a gander, and let’s get started on season 3!

(Oh, real quick, I have been rewatching Strange New Worlds, and the new season begins on July 17, so expect more Kirk jokes than usual. Ok, back to the recap!)

The “Previously On” is all about Damon being werewolf-bitten and Klaus being the cure.

We open on a farmhouse in Tennessee, and a woman looking for her dog. Klaus shows up with an American accent and his smarmy fucking face, asking to use her phone. He compels her to let him inside, and she does, but she’s also crying about it? Is she compelled or not?

He’s looking for a guy named Ray Sutton, and the girl’s roommate says he’s on the road all the time, he isn’t home now. But he does come home once a month, says Klaus, and everyone looks around meaningfully. So Ray’s a werewolf, I assume, and not just a dude with a period.

Which - have y’all ever wondered why werewolves aren’t more, like, feminine? Womanly? A curse that strikes you every 28 days? That makes you mean and snappish? That’s painful and transformative? That begins suddenly, and can’t be gotten rid of? That’s a fuckin’ period, man!

Roommate tries to run out the door, but is stopped by Stefan. She gives up Ray’s whereabouts immediately, but Stefan gets invited in anyway, to kill both of them. Which he does, with much screaming. Why not use compulsion to make dinner a little more peaceful? I don’t believe anyone likes screaming. Not actually, that’s a metaphor for “evil” from people who don’t understand what evil is. Screaming is awful and all it does is raise everyone’s cortisol levels. That can’t taste good.

Back at Elena’s, Jeremy is late for work and Elena is talking to Caroline about 1) a party Elena never said she would go to; 2) an “animal attack” that Liz wants to discuss with Elena. All while Ric is in Elena’s kitchen making coffee. I was about to ask if he was their guardian now (probably 15 hours after the last episode, insert ICP here), and then I remembered this is The Vampire Diaries and nothing in it follows any sort of real-world convention. There probably exists no CPS in the lawless hellscape of Mystic Falls, Virginia, where teenagers can get up to absolutely anything and no one notices, because there are only 4 adults.

anyone else remember this show? no adults!

Caroline hangs up, because she’s meeting Tyler. Elena chats with Ric: she believes Stefan is still with Klaus, because the alternative is thinking he’s dead. And Ric doesn’t have to sleep on the couch, as he’s done “half the summer”; he can have a bedroom. Ric declines, because the bedroom is Elena’s dead parents’ room, or Ric’s dead girlfriend’s room, and either way, he’ll pass. (So why don’t you move into the master, Elena, and have Ric in your room? Also, this house is huge. No guest room?)

It’s Elena’s birthday.

Damon, in a bubble bath, complains about being out of champagne while his reporter girlfriend whose name I cannot remember gets ready for work. He gets up to get more - because she’s “not your slave” - and she complains about him dripping on the floor. Why? Do you clean the bathrooms around here?

Elena wanders in - it’s her house, after all - and is immediately hit with naked Damon. Hell, girl, it’s your birthday, enjoy the view!

Apparently, Sheriff Liz has been giving her leads on where Stefan might be? because she says “Sheriff Forbes found us another lead. Memphis.” as soon as Damon gets a towel. He’s sarcastic about it, but Elena seems determined: she’ll check every lead because it means not thinking Stefan is dead. Damon may have all the time in the world to wait for his brother to come around again, but Elena is human (right? Isn’t she? Yeah, I think we ended last season like that.). Oh, Klaus thinks she’s dead, so she can’t go check it out, Damon has to. And he says he will. Reporter Lady says she can’t go with him because of work, but she will try to get him an actual address for the lead.

Jeremy is working at The Grill, and facetiming with Bonnie as he stocks glasses. The lights flicker, and Bonnie asks what’s going on, but Jer says it’s nothing, even as he’s seeing Vicki and Anna again. Matt comes through to demand a section change because Caro and Tyler just sat down in his, and he doesn’t want to wait on them. So give away the table? You don’t switch a whole section for one table, do you? What about the people Matt’s already waiting on?

Is there a single occupation that Hollywood writers won’t fuck completely up?

gettin’ some mileage outta this one today

Caro tells Tyler that his mother was “eyeing” her today, and asks if everything’s all right. Tyler says it is, and then Jer’s there to take their order. Caro asks if Matt made him switch sections. Girl. Come on. You can’t expect him to be happy for you.

Klaus smarms his way into a bar and up to Ray Sutton, then smarmily complains about how long it took to find him. Ray tries to leave, but apparently Stefan has compelled everyone in the bar, so Ray shouldn’t try to fight.

The unbelievability of that aside, Ray Sutton is played by the little kid on Seventh Heaven!

He looked so familiar, but all I can think now is that ridiculous “I smoked pot” clip that was going around. Fun fact: The mom and dad on that show were both in Star Trek movies. He was in 1, as Decker, who leaves with the weird lady who becomes V’Ger. She’s in 4 (The One With The Whales) as the whale biologist. Simon has been in none, I would have remembered that, but here he is with the future Lt. Kirk!

Anyway, Ray concludes they’re vampires, and Klaus has to tell him that he’s something more and better, or whatever. I dunno, Klaus, if I had a bunch of weird super powers that made me harder to kill than all the other monsters, I would keep that on the downlow until I absolutely had to use it. Certainly wouldn’t roll up to a bar&grill on lunchtime and tell everyone there, compelled or not.

Klaus wants to create more of himself, and says Ray is the only werewolf he’s come across -

- so if he could direct Klaus to his pack, that would be lovely. Or, you know, in rude words, because that’s all Klaus knows. Ray obviously refuses, and Stefan says they’ll play a drinking game: Truth or Wolfsbane. I don’t understand why drinking human blood makes you an asshole, Stefan, but sure, VD, I’ll play along.

In Tennessee, Ric and Damon pull up to the house from the opening. Ric asks Damon why he didn’t tell Elena where they were. I mean, my guess is because she literally sent Damon here? But Damon says it’s “a half-lead” and he doesn’t want to get her hopes up. Is Ric still sleeping on the couch?

Well, yeah, he says. He’s waiting for them to kick him out, and they never do. Which, like, is maybe because THEY ARE CHILDREN, AND THEY WANT AN ADULT TO TAKE CARE OF THEM?!

Look. I’m a mom. I know that teenagers don’t seem like children, children. I get it. They can drive and have jobs and clean up after themselves. Sure. But they are NOT adults, and they need guidance! My kiddo is in their 20s, and I know they’d be fine if their dad and I like, died, or something, but they want us here! They want to live with us and have us take care of the adulty-adult stuff, like taxes and lawn mowing and insurance and car payments! Like, does Elena know how to pay the mortgage?! Because I don’t know how to pay the mortgage, it’s not my department, and if my partner kicks it, I’ll be fucked!

(not really, I know where everything is and could figure it out, but come on. you know you’d react badly to your parents and any guardians leaving you alone at 17, too. you get the point.)

They find the girls sat up on the couch, throats torn out, blood everywhere. Damon says it’s definitely Stefan’s work, because he “blacks out” when he feeds too hard, but there is no way on this green earth that Stefan drank any of that blood. It’s all over! It’s on the girls, on the furniture, on the doors, on the walls. There’s only what, 6 litres in a person? No, that’s for a 200-lb grown man! No fuckin’ way Stefan did anything but kill and mutilate. Gross.

At… somewhere, maybe Tyler’s house? Caro and Elena and Tyler are talking while… setting up a party? Oh, the one from the open that Elena didn’t want to attend. Elena says she feels like she has to fight Damon to get him to check the leads on Stefan every time, despite the only time we’ve seen it being when Damon just agreed, instantly.

Tyler posits that Damon doesn’t want to find Stefan, because Damon’s into Elena. Caro gets mad at Tyler for letting slip a bunch of things Caro told him about Elena, which is cute, and then ridicules him for the… DATE he’s bringing to the party?

Are you guys… polyam? not dating? WTF. These writers need to start telling us what’s going on. You show me Tyler and Caro hanging out all the time, going to lunch, yadda yadda? Those bitches are dating. Come on, now. Also, Caro slut shames the girl he’s bringing, and that’s awful. Be a girl’s girl, Caro.

Then they both talk about how horny they are all the time.

First of all, you’re teenagers, of course you’re horny all the time. Basic horniness had me thinking I understood sexual attraction until I was in my 40s, when it slowed down, and I realized people had always been serious when they talked about body parts being sexy just… by themselves. Not attached to a person you know and like, or anything. Just… pants feelings because boobs exist. That’s gotta be fake, right?

And second of all, YOU’RE TEENAGERS. I don’t want to think about it. Feh.

Damon and Ric find the werewolf basement, and then set fire to the house. “I’m covering their tracks,” says Damon. “They may not want to hide, but I do.”

Stefan is throwing darts into Ray at the bar. I love that we can’t show a tit on television, but someone covered in blood with literal pointed weapons sticking out of his face is fine, A-OK! This country’s culture is sometimes so awful.

Some girl comes up to Klaus and tells him Damon is up at the farmhouse. Stefan overhears and asks Klaus to let him deal with Damon. How does Klaus know he won’t leave? Stefan says he owes Klaus, and Klaus counters that he should be having fun being a fuckin’ dick. Stefan tells him he’ll make Damon “leave us alone”, which I suppose Klaus takes as affirmation? but Stefan definitely doesn’t look like any of this is fun. Can’t even smug it up with the Smarm King.

Ric found Elena’s vervain amulet in his apartment, so Damon gives it back to her for her birthday. She asks him to put it on her, and frankly, this is not the behavior of a person who doesn’t want to fuck Damon, girl. I guess they’re gonna force that down our throats soon.

Elena’s throwing a party for herself at Castel Salvatore. Maybe it’s Castel Gilbert now? But in either case, Tyler brought a stunning amount of alcohol for people who absolutely cannot be drinking legally, and Caro invited enough people to make it a rager.

Matt finds Jer in the study (or somewhere) lighting up a joint, and asks why Jeremy’s on a “downward spiral”. Because of some weed?

“Is that why you’ve never held down a job?” Isn’t that kid like 16? Jesus, that show should never have been on regular television.

Anyway, Jer tells Matt that he’s seeing things after dying and coming back. He doesn’t say it’s Vicki, and Matt asks what Bonnie says. Oh, I haven’t told her, duh, says Jer, and sparks up.

Elena and Caro come in, and Caro says, “Stoner den. Buzzkill!” Well excuse me, girl, some of us like to giggle without hangovers. Matt comes up and says hello to Elena, but obviously not Caroline, who then laments that his hatred of her has driven Matt to drugs. And then Elena spies Jeremy and knows that she needs to go be a bitch.

Oh, wait, no, she just goes to tell Ric to talk to him about smoking weed, while she is actively drinking Damon’s Scotch.

Reporter Lady is trying to leave the office after working late again. She’s the last one in the building, she says on the phone to someone named Dave. She has a party she needs to get to! (for an 18-year-old’s birthday! just what every adult loves to do!) She walks through the set to leave and someone turns the spotlight on her so she can’t see them. Uh-oh. Is Stefan going to “teach Damon a lesson” or some other violent nonsense?

Yup. 100%. Poor Reporter Lady. I never even knew your name.

Matt and Caro fight about Tyler. I have to say, I like all of these people better than anyone else on the show, but this nonsense is boring. She also fights with Tyler once Matt leaves.

Elena goes up to Damon’s room and finds Caroline, drinking blood. Elena says she’s thinking of bailing and going home, and Caro is insistent that she cut her birthday cake. Because she can’t move on with her life until she makes a wish!

Elena’s hackles rise. “Is that what you all want from me?!” Because all she wants is to know that Stefan’s alive, first of all, and secondly, it’s probably only been like ten minutes. She can’t possibly move on in that short a time! Give her two days, at least!

Caroline’s apologizing, but Elena is drawn to the closet where Damon’s been keeping all his Klaus-hunting records. He’s been tracking Klaus without Elena, somehow. Did you think he would take you on every field trip? That he doesn’t care for his brother? Of course he’s been tracking without you. He’s better at it, has more resources and knowledge, and actually stands a chance at finding Klaus and coming up with a way to kill him. You, once again, are a teenaged girl. Take every seat available, ma’am.

Damon has gone to the studio to find ANDIE, aka Reporter Lady. Elena calls to find out where he is and tell him she saw the closet, but he hangs up on her.

And promptly finds Stefan, who tells him to stop following them and let him go. Damon says Elena won’t allow it, and reveals a compelled Andie up in the catwalks. He makes her jump, obviously, and stops Damon from saving her. “Let me go!” says Stefan, but obviously, we won’t be doing that.

Back at the party, Jeremy finds Matt looking for his truck. Jer says if he can’t find it, he shouldn’t be driving it, and offers a ride home. He gets in and Vicki’s in the passenger seat. “Help me,” she says, slowly, deliberately.

Matt gets in and asks Jeremy if he just said Vicki’s name. Jer denies it, cranks the engine, and sees Anna in the headlights. “On second thought,” he turns off the car, “maybe we should walk.”

Caroline and Tyler are fighting about Tyler bringing a date. He tells her to say the word and he’ll stop dating. So she kisses him.

Damon comes home and goes straight to his room, where Elena is waiting to berate him for not sharing information with her and treating her like an idiot for having hope they’d find Stefan. He says they were both idiots, but he cannot do this right now, she needs to return to the party.

“Why didn’t you tell me you were tracking Klaus’s victims?” she yells, and he yells back that they’re not Klaus’s. They’re Stefan’s.

Elena refuses to believe it. All the rage Damon has for Stefan comes out at her, snapping at her to give up hope, Stefan’s a killer now, he’s not going to come back. Not in her lifetime.

Home stretch, no more ad breaks! Jeremy and Matt are having ice cream? cereal? something, because munchies. I’m surprised they’re that high off one joint, but they’re kids in Virginia 15 years ago, not chronic pain adults in Colorado in 2025. I also used to get high off one joint. Halcyon days.

Matt says he should get going, and takes the ice cream for later. But he turns back at the last minute. He has to know about Vicki. Jeremy confesses he’s been seeing her, and Matt takes it for a metaphor. He misses her so much, he wants to see her. But he doesn’t want to add ghosts to the toxic paranormal mix of Mystic Falls, and Jeremy picks up the hint and blames it all on dying and coming back.

Klaus is still torturing Ray, now by force-feeding him vampire blood. Stefan comes back during this, and I had to look up what the driving times are. By all accounts, Mystic Falls is probably in the middle of Virginia, right? Maybe it’s right on the border of Tennessee, but that still means it’s EIGHT HOURS to Memphis. So far, in this episode, in ONE DAY, Damon and Ric have driven out there and back, and Stefan has driven back to Mystic Falls and back.

Ah, you might say, but Elena only said the lead she had was in Memphis! We don’t know that’s where all this is going on! Sure, I would say, fair enough on any other show, but do you think anyone meant these people to be anywhere other than Memphis? And I’m sure that’s only because it’s the only city in Tennessee that they could recall, and no one ever bothered to pick up a map.

Sixteen hours of driving. Twice. In one damn day, in reaction to other things happening.

It’s the last five minutes, you have to let me rant a little.

Klaus needles Stefan about caring about his family, and omg.

I mean, that’s not entirely true. I do think it’s a rich vein of natural drama to force Stefan to give up his family and Elena. I just think it’s fucking stupid when Klaus does it and tells him he’ll stop caring eventually, when he’s had enough blood. Fuck outta here with that, man. God, I hate you.

Elena gets home to find Ric packing up to leave. Because she’s “18. You can do this all alone now. You don’t need me.”

A verrrrrrrry uncomfortable love scene between Caroline and Tyler. For me, not for them. They seem to be having a great time.

Damon destroys Stefan’s room.

Stefan goes out for some air and fondles his phone.

Elena gets a call from an unknown number. She guesses from the silence that it’s Stefan, and she tells him she loves him. “Never let that go.”

Caro tries to slip out of Tyler’s house while he’s still asleep, only to be caught by Carol Lockwood -

WHO FUCKIN’ TRANQS HER!

See y’all next time!