SGRoA: Vampire Diaries, S3 E4: Disturbing Behavior

What, are they all gonna turn into fascists? My bar for “disturbing” is… uniquely American at the moment. Let’s get started!

We’re back in Chicago with the horrible vampires, trying on clothes that look like a “prostitute” would wear them and listening to music that “sounds like a cable car accident”. Love it when vampires complain about the future. Makes them seem very able to adapt through the centuries, yes?

Stefan steps out for some air and sees Katharine, so he follows her.

Damon and Elena are preparing chili for the Founders’ Day Party!

look how excited Weyoun is!

Ric wanders in and Elena asks when he wants to go, and he says it’s not really his thing. Damon complains that everyone is going to be bringing chili and Ric asks why the fuck he’s there. Damon apparently thinks Elena is going to “break” because Stefan “broke up” with her in Chicago. Which, yeah, sort of, but like, he’s on a killing spree with Smarmy the Smugmeister? He has to keep Elena’s being alive a secret, so, like, no? he can’t just go back to Mystic Falls with you and play house again? This is neither an actual breakup nor something to be any more upset about than you’re already upset about Smarmy making hybrids and all that other nonsense. The writers just need an excuse to make Elena fall for Damon, but she’s a teenager. She shouldn’t be in a long-term relationship for at least another ten years. Let her date whoever, maybe she should stop seeing men who are centuries older than she is!

Katharine confirms that Elena has the necklace Klaus wants, and Stefan says he has everything under control. Katharine says he has to have more of a plan than that, but Stefan won’t tell her what it is. Look, Stefan, I understand why you would think Katharine isn’t to be trusted, what with her layered tank tops and layered scarves and layered hair. She looks ridiculous, we all know that, but she’s evaded Klaus for much longer than any of you have. Maybe you should ask her for some tips and tricks?

Jeremy wakes up to Anna in his bed, and she’s very focused on whether he can hear her. He can, and she says she’s been trying for days, and then neither of them explains or questions anything else.

I am concerned I will not be able to identify the disturbing stuff if this is normal

Caro comes to Elena’s bearing a bowl - “Please tell me that’s not chili” - and a Bonnie. She’s back! I don’t know where she was, but she’s back! She “left town for the summer”. Anna - in a mirror - looks on as Jeremy kisses Bonnie, looking displeased. Bitch, you’re dead! Let the man move on!

Liz and Damon are back on friendly terms; she wants him to compel Horn Rimmed Glasses minus glasses to - well, I missed it, I was looking for a gif. Forget that Caro’s a vampire, is my guess. But apparently the vampire torture chamber is in the basement of the town jail?

super normal

It’s gonna be a “two lines and then we’re onto the next scene” kind of day. Y’all know how that thrills me.

Stefan meets back up with Smarms and Sister at Gloria’s bar. She’s trying to find the necklace; Rebekah offers her help. Stefan looks nervous.

Bonnie complains that her dad’s “normal” side of the family was very boring all summer, while Elena moves around an unplugged crockpot full of chili. Bonnie asks when she learned to cook.

Oh, we’re intercutting the scenes. So Elena gets burned by the necklace; Gloria concentrates harder; Bonnie reaches for the necklace; Gloria squeezes her eyes closed; Bonnie touches the necklace and it sparks and falls to the counter.

“I found it,” says Gloria, and we cut to commercial. Oh, but then we come right back! She can’t just tell us where the necklace is: “that isn’t how it works”. She can see a girl with her friends; she’ll have to go back in for more detail. She says she’ll need more time and space, and Klaus tries to threaten her, but Stefan defuses by taking everyone to get “dinner”.

Bonnie brings her grimoire to do a spell on the necklace at the Founders’ party, only to find the necklace has its own magic. But it gives Caroline enough time to yell at Elena about Damon.

Meanwhile, Damon - frowning at the seven different chilis people brought - tells Ric that the Founders’ Day events are just excuses for the ruling families to gather in back rooms and plot against vampires. Instead of taking this information and asking a shit ton more questions, Ric decides to yell at Damon about Elena. Before Damon can get too mad, he’s pulled into the Council meeting.

The Chicago vamps are killing people and being mean to each other.

Anna says she’s fine with Bonnie, and asks why Jeremy hasn’t told her about Anna. He fobs her off, and she explains being on the other side - apparently Jeremy can sort of pull her through, even though she can’t be seen or heard by anyone else. And she’s warned him against Vicki because it feels like Vicki is trying to shove her out again.

Stefan goes back to Gloria’s, because they both have a secret. The girls she saw in her vision were talking about Stefan, and she didn’t tell Klaus because she’s not going to help him with anything. But the necklace is a talisman from the Original Witch, and Gloria wants it. Stefan says he won’t help her, and she gives him a headache and tells him he will, even if she has to do things the hard way.

Gloria paralyzes him and starts a spell, and he keeps saying he won’t tell her anything. But like, why not? You could use a friend, Stefan, and even if she’s not a friend-friend, she’s at the very least the enemy of your enemy. Seems like you could have bartered about the info before you just let her go HAM on you.

The Council meeting takes like five minutes, because “it’s been quiet lately” according to Liz, and Carol has “nothing else to add”. And luckily the room clears out before Horn Rimmed Glasses minus glasses (his name is Bill, apparently? but that’s not as fun, sorry) wanders in and asks Liz, Carol, and Damon if they think everyone on the Council is stupid.

I mean, I do, Bill, but that’s probably the last fucking thing we’d agree on, and I would like to see you dead.

so, like, the opposite of this

Bonnie doesn’t have access to the Mystic Falls coven of dead witches anymore; they kicked her out since she brought Jeremy back to life. She and Jer are looking through grimoires (again), for necklace stuff this time. Anna appears and says “The darkness is here!” and then all the books burst into flames. Bonnie stops the fires; Jeremy asks her what happened. “I have no idea,” she says.

More witch torture from Gloria to Stefan. She figures out that Elena was the Doppleganger, and then Katharine stabs her.

Ric, Elena, and Caroline are heading out from the party. They’re looking for Damon when Caro sees Horn Rimmed Glasses minus glasses and skedaddles. Damon finds Elena and Ric on the front porch, and tells them that HRGmg is impervious to compulsion and is threatening to out Damon.

Woulda been nice to SEE THAT SCENE, writers, but I know whom I’m dealing with.

He wants to control the Council and put vervain in the town’s water system. Elena and Ric do not seem worried about this, so Damon wrings Ric’s neck. Well, after making sure Ric has his ring on, so no harm done. And frankly, I WOULD BE CONCERNED ABOUT A CHILD TORTURER.

Fuck’s sake, you think letting this moron run around ABAing vampires is going to make everyone safer?! Fuck outta here with that.

Stefan won’t trust Katharine, either, though she does offer him some tips on handling Klaus. He finally tells her that Klaus and Rebekah are running from someone more powerful, and he intends to hand them over to that someone. Katharine wants in, but he won’t let her. (Yet, I’m guessing.)

A nice moment with Tyler and Caroline, where Tyler offers to kill her dad, and she says “at the end of the day, he’s still my dad,” and I cannot recommend estrangement enough, Caroline. Go ahead and cut that asshole off. You’ll feel so much better, trust me.

Damon attacks HRGmg! PLEASE DIE PLEASE DIE PLEASE DIE

That’s how you know vampires aren’t real. If they were, IT would have happened already.

Damon says he’s not going to kill Bill -

pictured: Caroline?

he’s just going to have fun fucking with him and draining him almost dry. But Caroline saves him, and then she and Damon vamp-fight a little, and Caro escapes with Bill.

Elena comes in as Caroline leaves, and Damon finally asks why it’s so important for him to all of a sudden not be Damon. And of course it’s because Elena doesn’t want any of these vamps to be what they are - killers - and especially not Damon, because she’s got a crush.

Jeremy tells Anna to leave, and she begs him not to shut her out, but he does, and then he finally tells Bonnie about it.

Stefan tries to get Rebekah to tell him what Klaus is afraid of, but she won’t: she’s too scared of Klaus. She kisses him, and then Klaus comes in and she’s all, “He’s not with us, he was asking about Mikael,” and first of all, because he’s still in love with his very-recently dead girlfriend and because he’s only with Klaus because he saved Damon, of course he’s not “with you”. He was never “with you”. This isn’t news.

And second of all, you just told him who you’re scared of!

Rebekah is … not smart.

More Damon-Elena nonsense.

Caroline trying to make up with her dad.

Who fucking leaves, thank god.

Ric demands of Liz and Carol to be added to the Council, because he’s been looking out for the Gilberts, who are a Founding Family. He points out that Liz and Carol both have reason to bow to the wolves or the vampires because of their children, but he thinks that the humans should be looking out for themselves. And he intends to be the human voice of the Council. He’ll see them next meeting.

Elena gets the necklace back from Bonnie, who then brings up Jeremy’s ghost-visitations. Before she can even finish a thought about it, Elena is gone to see Damon.

No, wait, it’s Katharine! Titties covered, hair straight. She’s here to kidnap Damon; she needs “a partner in crime”. She offers to drive, and Damon takes her up on it. Where are they going? Away, is all she’ll say, but she has the necklace, so it’s going to be good.

Stefan wakes up in a …truck? full of coffins? with Klaus being smarmy. He says Stefan’s “holding on” to something from his “old life”, so they’ve come back to Mystic Falls to - well, who fuckin’ knows, certainly not the writers’ room. They just know they have to have all the players in one place, no matter how ridiculous that would be.

And that’s the end! Kind of a weird rollercoaster this week, and I still don’t know whose behavior was meant to be disturbing, but who cares! Another recap in the books!

See y’all next time!