SGRoA: Vampire Diaries, S3 E6: Smells Like Teen Spirit

Here we are now, Vampire Diaires: Entertain us!

Elena’s crying in bed in full glam, and turns off her 5:15 alarm. It’s already full daylight outside, too, so we’re off to a good start.

She’s going out to train with Alaric to kill vampires. She has some sort of wrist device with two stakes on it, and she’s supposed to like, punch with it, and then it stakes the vamp. Problem is, she’s not strong enough to stake a vamp. Ric says she has to start lifting weights and put some meat on her bones and moves on to vervain grenades and our opening sting.

Oh, school is just now starting apparently.

Senior year. Bonnie wishes it felt more empowering and she, Elena, and Caroline are all wearing things that absolutely will get them dress-coded anywhere but on TV. Caro’s dress looks like a nightie, and I’m not trying to slut shame or anything (I am a slut, I love sluts), it literally looks like pajamas.

Elena realizes that technically this is hers and Stefan’s anniversary. Oh, good, we’re gonna boo-hoo our way through this episode. Delightful.

Stefan is still living in Castel Salvatore, so clearly the writers have forgotten that Elena owns it and can kick him out. He’s got a bunch of women over and is drinking them and playing Twister and I absolutely cannot care.

Rebekah comes in because Klaus has left her in Mystic Falls. Just walks right in. Saunters, even. To a house she doesn’t own, isn’t public property, and INTO WHICH SHE WAS NOT INVITED.

Look, I wish I could give this show more credit. I do like it! I do like the characters (just not usually Elena or Stefan)! I want it to be better than it is! But they made a HUGE deal about the boys signing the house over to Elena specifically so she could control who came and went. And now, what? That’s just… gone? Imaginary? Forgotten? Because it’s inconvenient to the plot?

Elena needs to rescind Stefan’s invitation to be in the house, because it’s not his anymore, and she doesn’t want to be near him. And Rebekah shouldn’t be able to come in AT ALL! This is not “deep lore” that you can’t expect people to follow for a new season. This is a plot point that you, as a writer, are supposed to remember! And you have a bunch of people writing, so a bunch of people should be like, “Hey, WTF, Elena owns that house and can control the vampire invitations, right?”

Jesus. It’s so fucking stupid, it makes the whole show look like - I don’t even know, an exercise in nonsense? Kids playing Barbies? But even then, at least one of them would REMEMBER THE FUCKING RULES OF THE GAME.

(and this is a side rant, but I’ve been trying to build a series bible for my novels because I do actually have memory trouble! I have been writing these characters for decades and trying to remember every little plot point is very difficult! but I’m so glad to know that people who claim to be professionals and are actually paid a steady income to keep track of this shit just don’t have to! good to know I’m busting my ass to make absolutely zero fucking money while they get to put trash on screen and no one notices! love how rules only apply sporadically!)

…We are five minutes in, y’all. Pray for me.

Bonnie is mad that Jeremy is talking to Anna and Vicki? because he “loved” them and they died, and now she has to “share space” in their relationship with them. Jer rightly points out that Anna had information they needed, but Bonnie says that he has the power to choose, like, not to see her again?

Literally none of that makes sense to me, please feel free to explain in the comments, but I have to tell you, I probably still won’t get it.

Matt is still seeing Vicki, including today in his truck as he pulls up to school. They’re reminiscing about “last” year, when Matt and Elena had just broken up and then Elena went on to meet Stefan.

But - uhhhhhh - this one I might be misremembering, but hasn’t every season started at the start of the school year? So that would have been two years ago, yes? because it was 2 seasons ago?

It might be, Barbie who’s not Barbie. It might be.

Vicki tells Matt there might be a way to help her come back, but she is interrupted by Tyler exuberantly banging on Matt’s door, excited about the new year. And being a hybrid, probably, seemed like it really juiced him up, y’know? He says he’s just excited to be a senior to Matt, and Matt looks wistfully back at his truck. Don’t do it, Matty. I don’t trust Ghost!Vicki. Feel like it’s probably gonna be a baaaaaaaaaad idea.

Katharine is trying to wake Mikael with a mouse. Not even a nice, fat, juicy rat. A teensy little mouse. What is that, like a teaspoonful of blood? I have first-day periods bigger than that. Probably why she’s not having any success. She spies a mourner out on the lawn of the cemetery and decides to try something bigger.

Damon calls Elena to tell her not to come by the house, since Rebekah has moved in.

Caroline asks Elena if she’ll be at the bonfire, and Elena says she will. Tyler comes up to them, kisses Caroline, and then they both notice blood on his shirt and hustle him into the men’s room. “Vampire 101,” says Caro, “never wear your breakfast to school!” and where did he even get blood anyway.

Rebekah “hooked him up” because she’s protecting Klaus’s “asset”. Caroline is disgusted and cannot understand why Tyler seems amused by all of this. But he’s the first successful hybrid!

Elena leaves them to fight, only to literally run into Stefan, who’s back in school! Go Timberwolves! He tries to drag her to class, and she tells him several times to take his hands off her before Alaric is able to separate them. I mean, he only does because Stefan shoves him up against a locker and makes some idle threats, but you know. Tomato, tomato.

Elena and Alaric take a sidebar; Elena says they have to do something about Stefan being there. But they have to start class, complete with Stefan and Rebekah! Delightful.

Matt goes “looking” for Vicki in what she calls “the stoner pit”. He asks about helping her come back, and she explains. Currently, she can only come through when he’s thinking of her, but she can be free of that. She has help there, on the other side, but before she explains what that help is, Jeremy comes out.

He pretends that he can’t see Vicki, and says he was just looking for his lab partner, and he’ll catch Matt later. He then goes into the bathroom to talk to Anna (they must have spent a fortune on this bathroom set). He says that Matt was just talking to Vicki in the open and that Vicki’s talking about coming back.

Vicki then tells Matt that she’s been talking to a witch who says she can do a ritual to push Vicki from her side to ours.

We cut back to Anna and Jer: Vicki could come back, if she had a stronger foothold in our side. Anna has only a tether to Jeremy, but now Vicki has Jer and Matt, and if she could get stronger….

Vicki says she’d be able to come and go as she pleased, won’t have to rely on anyone.

Anna says that Vicki is bad news, she has darkness everywhere. If she’s using a witch’s energy, Jeremy knows the price she’s willing to pay.

Matt could see Vicki all the time: he wouldn’t be alone anymore.

And that seals it, of course. He asks what he’d have to do.

One of the cheerleaders is missing, so Rebekah steps in. Caroline tells her she can’t just intrude on their lives, and Rebekah says she’s not intruding: she’s taking over. She wants Caro’s life, her spunk, her popularity - maybe even her boyfriend.

Said boyfriend tells coach they’ve had enough practice, even though it’s barely started, and coach asks if he’s had a mental breakdown. So Tyler compels him to end practice, so they can all head to the bonfire early.

Caroline catches it and tells him he has to be more subtle, and they start arguing again, because Tyler seems really into Klaus. Rebekah, meanwhile, is showing off her tumbling, and Tyler looks over to say she has “moves”.

Stefan is badgering Elena on the track, and tells her if she thinks he’s “annoying” now, just wait till Homecoming! And then he almost beats the crap out of a guy who barely bumps into Elena. Because he has to protect “the walking bloodbag”.

Katharine is still trying to get Mikael up, but this time she’s dangled an actual human over his mouth. She realizes she remembers him from Chicago, and doubts his power, considering how pathetic he looks.

Elena is training… somewhere. Alaric’s apartment, maybe? when Damon comes in to harass her. She tells him she wants to lock Stefan up until the compulsion from Klaus breaks. Damon says it won’t work, and then sexually-harrassily shows her where to try to stab a vamp to kill them: under the ribcage, on the back.

VD writers rn

The bonfire has begun! And the school is using buses to get kids there! So they can then drink underage!

Because there is not a single adult in this town, apparently. Or because vampires and werewolves trump regular laws? Who knows!

Elena, Caro and Damon are going over the plan to… I don’t remember. Or they never mentioned it. Lock Stefan up? I think that’s it. Anyway, Elena says she’ll lure him away from the bonfire and then when he’s distracted, Ric will shoot him. Damon asks why Bonnie can’t juju him, and Elena says she’s keeping Bonnie out of it because Stefan will hurt her. Caroline says she has the Forbes jail cell all ready to go. Damon asks what they’re doing about Rebekah: it’s his job to keep her away. Charm her.

Tyler comes in and they ask him to raid his mom’s vervain supply, but he says they can’t do anything to Stefan, because it’s not in Klaus’s best interests. Damon tranqs Tyler and then explains that Tyler has been “sired”: he’s too attached to Klaus and there’s not much they can do about it.

Stefan meets Rebekah at the keg, and she says she’s looking for Tyler, since Stefan won’t give her the time of day. Elena interrupts them to “down” a beer (I have doubts she’s actually drinking, even though she acts drunk later. Oh, yeah, this is the one where I lost half the recap! So I kind of know where we’re going, but I’ll be damned if I remember any of the obviously amazing jokes I made on the way there.).

She taunts Stefan and tells him she’s having fun, he’d better not stop her (essentially), and he immediately tells her to take it easy on the beer, because she’s a lightweight. “Oh, really?” she says, finishing the cup and refilling. “You think I’m going to let a blood addict tell me how to drink?”

And then she walks away.

Ooh, Elena, getting spicy. I like her when she’s not moping!

Matt is at home, doing the spell Vicki’s requested of him. He has a bunch of candles, a picture of the two of them as kids, and he cuts his palm open and bleeds all over the pic. Vicki tells him to say he accepts her, and he does. The candles burn high, the picture’s on fire in the frame, and then she’s corporeal.

Bonnie and Jer are at school - waiting for the bus to the drinking party? at the drinking party? is the bonfire just… at the school?

You know, there’s a thing everyone tells you not to do when writing: don’t make your characters “floating heads” with no description of the space they’re in or the things they’re doing in the scene.

I think I would prefer floating heads than whatever the fuck VD is doing.

Jer and Bonnie are going by the same bathroom set the producers spent a gazillion dollars on, so it’s in every episode now. Jer says that Anna told him that Vicki has been talking to a super-powerful witch. Bonnie’s pissed that Jeremy’s been talking to Anna about witchcraft instead of her, and Anna is apparently RIGHT THERE, and tells Jeremy to tell Bonnie that she’s just trying to help.

just the most excruciating game of your life

Bonnie is immediately pissed off that Anna’s there and that Jeremy is also talking to her, and ditches Jeremy to go deal with Matt.

Vicki’s psyched to feel things and lets it slip that she has to help the witch “restore the balance”. Klaus’s hybrids can’t be allowed to live, and if she’s going to stay, she has to kill Elena. Matt tries to stop her, so she hits him with a big-ass plumber’s wrench and then leaves. I remember being really concerned the first time I saw this that she’d killed him, because in the real world, that’s what hitting someone in the head with a metal tool that big will do. But you know this isn’t real. This is Vampire Diaries! He won’t even have a concussion later.

Stefan and Elena make eyes at each other; Damon tries to charm Rebekah. Sometimes, I wish I could watch these at 2.0x speed, like on YouTube. I’m remembering what actually happens, and I don’t think there’s a lot of fun in these scenes. At least we’re more than halfway through.

Matt’s a-ok and calling Bonnie, or answering Bonnie’s call, who knows. Vicki’s already at the bonfire, not letting herself get distracted by weed.

Rebekah stakes Damon through the gut with a s’more stick because she figures out he’s distracting her.

Caroline has brought Tyler home, and when he wakes, explains siring to him and why she’s pissed off at him. He promises to be more thoughtful and careful and they make up and make out.

Elena ends up on the bleachers, so I guess the school is sponsoring a teenaged bacchanal and letting them all get super drunk. Sure. Why not.

Elena falls off the bleachers, but Stefan catches her, obviously. They have some sort of moment where Stefan seems normal-er, and then Ric tranqs him. He remarks that Elena looks “not sober”, but, uh, no. She looks exactly sober. She tells him they just need to get Stefan out of there.

So they put him in the back of an SUV, all while Vicki is looking on with her lit joint, which she drops into the pool of gasoline she’s dumped up to the car. Elena and Stefan are trapped inside - the doors won’t open - and Ric is trying to get her out.

Meanwhile, Bonnie and Matt are in a classroom, trying to stop the magic. Bonnie slices Matt’s other palm; poor kid’s not going to be able to use his hands, like, ever.

Stefan wakes a little and kicks out the back door of the car, while Ric is still trying to get Elena out.

Vicki gets sucked into the classroom, and Bonnie tells him that Vicki is still there because of him. He has to let her go. This is sadder and more affecting than anything Elena and Stefan have said to each other, damn.

Vicki disappears; Ric gets Elena out of the car; Stefan manages to drag himself along.

Rebekah brings Tyler a snack, conveniently right after Caroline leaves him, after telling him he has to “earn the overnighter”.

Mikael explains to Katharine that he has been denying himself human blood for “as long as I can remember”. He tells her he can kill Klaus, and that he will, but he needs to be freed first. She removes his chains and suggests he eat something. He tells her he doesn’t feed on “living things”, and when she questions what he does eat, he eats her.

They don’t lock up Stefan, they just leave him at Castel Salvatore. I mean, there’s a bunch of dialogue about not giving up and him being normal again and blah blah blah, but does it really matter? Though it is nice when Elena uses her wrist gun to stake him in the gut.

Jeremy keeps calling Bonnie and leaving messages, and Anna points out that she shouldn’t be there - because he shouldn’t be thinking about Anna when calling Bonnie. Even though that’s why they’re fighting. Anyway, Anna’s corporeal now, too.

Oh, and Mason’s back! That should be great. I’ve really missed his incredibly dumb face (not).

And that, as they say, is the end of that, and I’m sorry the second half of this recap sucked, but I promise the first time I wrote it it was amazing. Try again next week for new jokes!